It’s February. So let the rambling’s begin. Or so says Shail.

What shall I ramble about today? Is it my life which suddenly is so full of people and activities after a lull of years and years together? Don’t get me wrong though, there have been people in my life alright, but in smaller numbers and spread out thinly over the years.

But it was not always so.

Let me tell you a story about someone else before I go further with my own. There was this boy, all of five or maybe almost six. Every evening after school, once he had finished his snack and had done his homework, he’d run out to play. Games were a passion for him. Cricket, basket ball, you name it, he wanted to try it all.

His mother soon noticed that by the time he was done with school work, after first having had his snack, there would be a group of boys of similar age, outside her door. Who were they?

‘They are my friends’ her son said on being asked. Hmm.. This was something new for her. Her first son had always had one or two close friends who’d come looking for him, this on the other hand looked like the whole playground had descended on her.

That mother, no prizes for guessing, was me.

What amused me on seeing his many friends was that he probably took after his mom. Not this one, but the one from the past. My aunt once told me that during the time I spent at my ancestral village, and attended the local school, I had had many friends. Apparently all my classmates were my friends and stopped to talk to me, amazing them.

What happened in the intervening years to make me wary of people, to weigh and measure before letting them close, and even then keep my distance from everyone mentally? Was I as an introvert, hurt by the actions of those around me that I had lost confidence in people? To let them close to me anyway. They could still hover around the periphery.

Then how did it happen that such a social being as that became a recluse down the years? (By the way, I describe myself as an introvert, in the garb of an extrovert and a doctor actually agreed with my assessment of myself)

Did my parents policy of strictly scrutinising anyone that I brought home (here I am talking of girlfriends because boys were a big no-no in my part of the world during my teens) and criticising and mocking them in my hearing, and sometimes even forcing me to distance myself from them, had had an influence?

I have no clue. Suffice to say that I became a loner. Of course I did make friends along the way, but they all stayed outside the invisible circle I had drawn around myself. It’s second nature to me now though I am slowly trying to unlearn that lesson.

BUT (and this a pretty important but that’s butting in)

It’s difficult when people around you begin giving you unsolicited advice. I HATE ADVICE unless specifically asked. The moment it happens (most people cannot keep their mouth shut), I am back inside my shell, thoroughly and utterly disappointed in them. They are then moved permanently to the outer region of my protective circle.

But hey! The outer side of the circle though is teeming with friends. Hmm… That’s what I meant to write about. But look how I wandered off. But then, February is when I ramble, right? Umm.. er.. I can do it any time of the year actually, but an excuse to do it officially is good to have handy, right? 😉

©️ Shail Mohan 2024