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As girl children, we are born into a world that says celebrating others is what womanhood is all about. Put others before you, always. My life was no different. The indoctrination is so deep that the little snatches of “me, myself” that you enjoy like reading a book or wearing something you like or simply wanting to look at the sky and daydream become reasons for being branded as a ‘bad girl’ and fills you up with permanent guilt, enough for a lifetime. Questions of ‘why’ turn a home into a battleground where the enemy, you, wage a lone battle, only to be put down ruthlessly, made to conform. What IS there to celebrate in being me, you are left to wonder.
Some are lucky. They are born into positivity. Others are not so. Negativity swamps them and they look for the proverbial straw to pull themselves out of the mire. I read somewhere that one of the most wonderful things in the world is how a child emotionally crippled (not just a girl child or for being a girl, but all children for various reasons) blossoms into someone normal. I read this decades later as a grown-up, when on the wrong side of forty and that’s when I understood something. I had always been celebrating myself. In spite of the pessimistic and non-nourishing state I found myself in time and again, the constant reminders that I was not good enough (no, not just because I was a girl child) that sapped my energy levels, I had somehow got hold of something to celebrate and survive. Instead of wilting, I had blossomed.
What could be that magic ingredient? It seemed to have helped me throughout. Each time life thought it would be fun to see just how I would extricate myself from successive negative conditions that it piled on me, it was there helping me to dust myself off. What could be that something that picked you up each time the world pushed you down with a vengeance? For something there definitely was, that made me stand on my feet, look people in the eye and refuse to be cowed down.
Was it faith in myself? Was it the knowledge that I was right? Was it the fact that I knew with certainty that I have never hurt anyone knowingly? Was it my integrity of which I was aware and terribly proud? Was it my ability to reason and arrive at answers? Could it be my empathy and patience? Is it because I was always just myself? I don’t know. Perhaps it could have been all of them. But the truth remained, that whatever it was, whatever anyone tried (and they have without doubt), though it hurt a lot and made you want to give up many times, it sprung me back on my feet, returned to me the conviction of what/who I am which nobody could shake out of me.
Years have gone by, half a century plus some more. I have realized what that special something in me is, that sees me through, and that is my spirit, the spunk that resides somewhere deep inside me and comes to my aid without fail to face life’s trials and tribulations. It has not let anyone cow or push me under, not permanently. It has helped hold my head high and look people who have wronged me, in the eye. It has stood me in good stead all my life, helping me rise again during the many times I have almost fallen. It has let me be myself without the need for any outside certification or approval to feel good about myself. It has dared me to reject and question. It was the source from which I drew while making a home, bringing up my children the way I believed they should be, with conviction.
My spirit is what made and makes my life a celebration. Momentary lapses happen, when something or someone hurt enough to make you stumble in your stride, for thorns always prick and draw blood, dimming the celebration briefly. But, sooner or later, the knowledge reasserts itself: I am I. None can take that away from me. I celebrate the knowledge I have about myself. I celebrate my indomitable spirit.
This is written for Women’s Web contest Celebrating Myself
Updated to add: This post shares the second place with five other contestants. Results can be seen here.
So uplifting! Wonderful read 🙂
Thank you Sumana 🙂
Super Lovely Post!!!!!!!. I was feeling low today, your post has recharged my energy. Thanks a ton 🙂
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Neha, and thank you 🙂 Glad you could find sustenance from my words 🙂
That was wonderful to read, Shail! Here’s to your indomitable spirit(which by the way shines through all that you write)!
Thank you so much Smitha 🙂
I could not have put myself in better words. Shail Aunty, you have reflected my thoughts as they come to me. Generation gap does not affect the true celebration of life 😀 I will read this again with concentration 🙂
Generation gap is for those who look at life as something stagnant. #shailism 😉
Thank you Cat 🙂
Shail, I was nodding my head vigorously all throughout this wonderful read. Its amazing , how even if you have never met someone in person, you build up a persona in your mind, , and you actually think you know the person !
Great post ! And the best for the contest too !
Thank you Suranga 🙂 Yes, I know just what you mean. 🙂
What you are, shines through in how you write…and its beautiful. Thank you for the gift of you
Awww… thank you 😀
Good one.
Thank you 🙂
Beautiful. All the best!
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Arundhati 🙂 And, thank you 🙂
testing testing
🙂
What an inspiring post. Gave me goose bumps!!! LOVED your post and love your indomitable spirit!!
Thank you IHM 🙂 That’s something I value so much 🙂
“…the truth remained, that whatever it was, whatever anyone tried (and they have without doubt), though it hurt a lot and made you want to give up many times, it sprung me back on my feet, returned to me the conviction of what/who I am which nobody could shake out of me.” Hats off!!
A heartfelt thank you 🙂
I had to read it before replying you Shail! I always admired you and now, do it more! Superb post!
Thank you Sandhya, I am humbled.
“But, sooner or later, the knowledge reasserts itself: I am ” How true!
I agree, and have myself experienced that we try too hard to seek approval and that is what weighs down on our ability to be ourselves. But that is natural when we are growing up, and with age and maturity and experience we learn to overcome that.
Came here through the contest on Women’s web. Its a lovely post. Liked your poems too!
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Poet Mamma. 🙂 Yes, we do try too hard to seek approval. And the day we overcome that to some extent and start being our own persons we win.
Thank you for stopping by to read and leaving a comment. 🙂
So inspirational! I love that you have such a strong spirit that has helped you celebrate you to this day!
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Mikael 🙂 Thank you so much 🙂
Posting twice (some goof up wordpress did or maybe didn’t let me do a post from my office network) and now I lost my immediate thoughts on reading the blog. I sense what you must have gone through and how you would have overcome! ..
Reminds me of some poems I had written long back for my sister in their quest to do something similar :
http://anilsinghal.blogspot.in/2011/09/happy-womens-day.html
http://anilsinghal.blogspot.in/2009/07/if-you-have-learnt.html
Whether to be silent and be the ideal one or speak up and be the bad one is a conflict that is tough to resolve.
Read the poems now and loved them 🙂
This post was an amazing read..congrats on the win !
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Gauri and thank you 🙂
I so loved reading about your little chatter-box. Will be back to comment 🙂
Congrats Shail you deserve the honor.
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you Padma 🙂
I had tingles down my spine when I read this. Totally identify with the battling negativity to come out on top bit.
Thank you Thumbelina 🙂