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This article (Not once did she ask her son why he punched the new boy) reminded me of an incident that happened some years back. We were stationed at a place called Sevoke Road, a sleepy little cantonment area, with not much in the form of entertainment (but which place I would give my eye-teeth to to go back and live in for its proximity to nature and the quietness) for you to pass the time, unless of course you make the effort to drive up to Siliguri. The chances of that were dim considering the Lord & Master and the rest of the officers of the unit were a busy lot, busier even than the proverbial bees.
Most days, they left for office before the children had woken up and returned after they had gone to sleep. The rest of the days they weren’t there at all. So we wives and kids were left to fend for ourselves and find our own resources for amusement. This we did by visiting each other, going for walks, making trips to the market, watching movies etc. during our spare time. The nearest video parlor with its regular supply of Bollywood as also Hollywood movies, helped us with the last of them.
We, the L & M and I, were proud owners of a VCR and whoever had one in those days, invited others over to spend the day with them to watch a movie. Lunch was thrown in with some dishes being brought over by the guests too. Kids were usually thrilled by this arrangement. Apart from getting to watch a movie with friends, they got to eat a variety of things as well.
One day my nearest neighbor Mrs U requested that we make the next day (a Sunday) one such movie day. Her kids it seemed, had been asking to watch a movie since long. She would cook something and bring it over. It was fine by me. Our respective husbands were away with the Unit on IS duty. The days stretched long before us. This way, we’d kill some time on a lazy weekend and the kids would be happy too.
My sons were ten and four at the time. Mrs U had a girl and a boy. The son, older of the two, at seven was a willful boy who threw tantrums at the drop of a hat, bossed over his mother and generally behaved in an obnoxious manner. I disapproved of the way she seemed to give in to him always, sometimes even at the expense of her younger daughter, a sweet little thing of four, who was always ready to oblige and give up to her brother whatever he was demanding at the moment. Many times her son has been the reason for my junior son expressly disobeying my orders. But unlike many parents my solution was never blaming the instigator or complaining to his mother even. If he disobeyed me, my son had to face the music (mine). So it was up to him to decide what to do and choose to do it.
Anyways, movie day dawned bright and clear. Mrs U came over with the kids and the snacks she had prepared. We settled in the TV room. Mrs U’s son had grabbed a comic book from the book rack and had his face in it. The two younger ones, the classmates the bosom buddies were chattering, excited to be watching a movie together. My senior son got busy with the VCR. But the cassette wouldn’t play. All we could see was ‘snow’ on the screen.
I got up to see what was wrong. Mrs U’s son was already fidgeting in his seat, impatient at the delay. He started whining to his mother asking her why the movie hadn’t started. His voice low at first increased in volume. His mother put in a tame ‘Abhi ho jayega beta’ (Will be ready soon, son) a couple of times, after which she relapsed into silence.
The boy now started banging on the chair in annoyance in addition to vocalizing his displeasure in more strident tones. I looked up from where I was trying to make the cassette work. My face outwardly was serene but inside I was pretty annoyed at the mother’s complacence. But they were guests. I kept my mouth shut.
All of a sudden the boy shouted at his mother (just like an Indian husband shouting at his wife for things beyond her control) and in a fit of rage, crumpled the comic book he had been reading, tearing it in the process, and threw it right across the room. My children looked at him, at his mother and then back at me. For a few seconds, I pretended not to see and went on with what I was doing. Of course my intention was to give the parent the opportunity to correct the child. I didn’t want to be staring when she did that. But my wait was in vain, the mother remained silent as if it was not her problem at all.
THEN, I stepped in.
“Pick up that book” I told the boy in a nice, firm voice.
He sat surly and unmoving.
“I gave you the book to read. You cannot throw it around. Pick up the book.”
I repeated, this time in a firmer and no-nonsense tone. He did not oblige. After all, his mother was sitting right beside him not saying a word, why would he listen to me?? But this was a lesson for my children too. So I was not about to let it go. Besides which Mrs U’s placid silence infuriated me.
“Okay, since you are not showing good manners by refusing to pick up the book in spite of my asking you to, I am going to do it myself. “ I said and added, “ and also because books are not for throwing around.”
I walked to where the comic was thrown, picked it up and straightened it out.
“But since you have crumpled and torn a book of mine by throwing it in anger, you will no longer be allowed to touch any of the books here.”
The lady was still sitting mute, not saying a word.
“Why have we all gathered here?? To watch a movie, right??” I carried on. “Not just you, all the rest of us want to watch it too. Is throwing books going to make the movie start??”
I pointed to my senior son.
“That’s why bhaiyya is doing what he can…”
I pointed to the two younger ones sitting quiet as mice.
“And these two kids younger than you are waiting so patiently.”
Mother and son were both silent, staring into space: one expressionless, the other sullen. The rest had their eyes glued on me. I continued,
“If you feel this is taking time and don’t want to wait, either go back to your house or go out and play. But…” Here I paused, “you will NOT throw any more tantrums here. Is that understood??!!”
No answer. But of course it was understood because there were no more tantrums. He remained morosely silent after that.
I was younger back then. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. But I am sure of one thing, if kids misbehave in my house and the parents keep mum, they, the kids, will surely hear from me. There is a saying in Mallu-land that goes, if you don’t thrash your child, they will surely be thrashed by the villagers in later years. That is sort of literal translation. It only means that if you don’t punish and correct your children when they do wrong , they will in all probability learn their just lessons the hard way from strangers.
I have my pet peeves. One of them is parents who will not discipline their children or even make an attempt at it. I dislike (perhaps despise too) them for their misplaced sense of affection which makes them spoil kids rotten. Many parents want to be adored by the offspring and so do not deny them anything, dance to their every tune. They think saying ‘No’ to a child means you don’t love the child. Oh really?? What absolute balderdash.
Do they really think children have no brains?? Excuse me, you may have sent yours to the dry-cleaners, but the children have theirs in place. The minute they gather (rightly) that they can get away with anything and everything, they have branded the parent as nothing but a namby-pamby, a nincompoop who can be tied into all sorts of knots for their pleasure. Then they proceed to do just that. Oh well, if someone wants children to trample all over them, it is of course their prerogative. But they should NOT expect that the neighbors or whoever else their child comes across will love to be trampled upon by their precious kids as well.
Of course, I kept my promise and no books were allowed to be taken out of the bookshelf after that. But you will be surprised to know that during a get together at my place, Mrs U went to my children’s room (behind my back) and tried to bully my children into opening the bookshelf and giving her son some books. Why couldn’t she have asked me when she knew that I was the one who ordered my children not to open the book-shelf?? If there is something I hate more than parents who don’t discipline their own children, it is those coward parents who bully other people’s children! Grrr…..
This is the first instance I have seen when a mother is scared of her kid instead of the other way round 🙂
Shocking !
@Ruchira, many parents bring up kids as though they were princes and princesses and bend over backwards to please them. I have seen that happen a lot. Those kids are insufferable so and sos
@Ruchira,
Ohh no, no! There are a lot more out there like Ritu says. Their Raja bata (or Rani bitiya) can do no wrong. They expect the rest of the world to have the same attitude. Like hell I am going to. I do pity the children though, because it is not entirely their fault. The parents are the ones who need correction.
Way to go! I hate that too. And these are the kids who will be perpetrators of road rage accidents or even shoot outs. Since they are reared to think that the world owes them what they want, they wont be able to handle any thing other than that. Wish parents did not find it hard to be authoritative
@Phoenixritu,
Exactly, these kids grow up to think the sun rises specially for them. I want to shake such parents till their teeth rattle. Maybe then they will wake up enough to see what’s happening. I do have high hopes, don’t I?? 😛
I have seen such parents and loved your reaction. Can’t say I could do that, I mostly fumed inside. Loved the last lines, the cowardly parents who bully other people’s children – I have tackled such kinds twice, was cornered into reacting, and realised such parents are bigger cowards than I ever imagined, after one polite confrontation, they left my kids alone.
@Indian Homemaker,
Oh I was fuming inside alright! Actually I would have loved to explode, but I did not (luckily for me). I found the lady bullying the sahayak who was in charge of the children at another house while a party was going on. She insisted that the man give her ladla some expensive game or gadget that the hostess had expressly asked not to be taken out. I hate such people who try to manipulate those either lower in rank or smaller in age. She dare not ask the hostess and be denied, so she bullies those she can. That is pretty mean I feel.
I cant believe that lady didnt say ANYTHING! If I had done this, my mom would have literally torn me apart into bits (Not that I would have had the guts to do it) I remember once going to someone’s house and eating up all the biscuits on the plate (how rude!) and ma giving me a piece of her mind there and then…R has her tantrums, and if its reasonable, I do give in..like an extra piece of fruit or one extra page to colour, but something like this, I will tear her apart into bits..yaa guess am becoming my mother 🙂
@R’s Mom,
My parents would have killed me for sure, Be that as it may, yes, the lady did not say a word or even budge from her seat. What signal does a child get when its misbehavior goes uncorrected?? I hope the parents do understand it does not help their child any. Or are they least bothered?? Has me once again thinking about license for being parents!
I find that when my (still young) children act up, it’s a combination of tiredness and low blood sugar from not having eaten. Not only do I discipline my kids, and they know that there are lines they can’t cross, I also feed them when I sense hunger leading to meltdowns. Of course, a first class twit like the one you describe who neglects discipline would also be quite likely to neglect her kids’ needs in every other area. Just stumbled across your blog, btw.
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Sharmistha, and thank you for the comment. You have a point about children acting up when hungry. My two used to bicker on their return from school and I knew hunger as the reason behind it. I actually forbade them to speak to each other unless and until they had their lunch. After lunch it used to always be milk and honey between them 🙂
I love the way you handled the situation, Shail. Why did the mother give in to the boy’s tantrums? I agree some kids are born difficult (I’ve experienced this first-hand!!), but the parents HAVE to make efforts. They cannot just sit quiet, afraid of the child! It is pathetic.
@Writerzblock,
That’s what I feel too that parents have to make an effort. Yes, some children are hyperactive and a handful.
I loved what you did, Shail. It is so annoying when parents can’t handle situations and prevent their children from behaving like proper brats! Mrs U is a proper coward, who else would do things like this! But the sad thing is that this sort of behaviour is so common 😦 I have the same rules for my daughter, she has to behave, no matter who else doesn’t. It annoys the hell out of me, when mothers ignore it when their children badly. But then, what else will these children learn? They have learnt from a very young age that their parents can be manipulated, and that they will give in to their tantrums 😦
@Smitha,
I was very angry that day because the lady kept mum at her son’s errant ways. If I did not say a word, I thought it would send wrong signals to my own children too. Here the boy was misbehaving in my house and throwing my book around. Wouldn’t they have wanted to know if the boy could get away with such tactics with their Mom??
I have experienced a similar kid and parents too. When we go in group for outings the same behaviour continued. It took long time for the parents to realize their mistake. As you said, his mother was always protective than controlling her son ( so was the father too). Then the frequency of our get together reduced just because of this one reason.
@Maddy,
Such kids are a real nuisance for everyone concerned and a bad example for other kids. The sad part is the parents or sometimes the grandparents ‘create’ them.
Reminds me of my childhood 🙂
But then, ma never had to tell me how to behave. It was not necessary at all … children learn from their parents. They need good examples to follow. I feel, something was very wrong in that particular family, overindulgence perhaps.
@Aditi,
Yes, I guess the boy was rather over indulged. The raja beta. I have noticed that children quickly ‘hear’ the ‘no nonsense’ tone in your voice. But parenting has to start early. Grandparents stand in the way many times, not letting children be disciplined saying they are too young, there is still time for disciplining. Inevitably it then becomes too late. In some cases the women just do not have the authority (or believe they should) to discipline children. They depend on the ‘man’ of the house. That is a problem when it comes to army wives coz your husband is not going to be around all the time to discipline the children.
Checking kids is very essential. Even if they don’t agree they know they r at wrong inside and the scolding will eventually bring results. As parents we should never take it easy.
A gr8 way to handle the situation Shail 🙂
@Abha Midha,
I agree with you. Whether the child obeys or not, the parent has the duty to at least tell the child he has done something unacceptable.
Thanks Abha.
Well i guess the old saying spare the rod spoil the child still stands.. and it has not done any wrong to me ..
I always maintain that if you cant be responsible for your kids then dont give birth to them. Simple.
I cant beleive that women did nothing.. I mean WE were so awe of our parents and they did keep a strict eye on us, no harm in that..
you handled the situation pretty nicely, I would have asked the kid to leave my house simple no second thoughts about it ..
@bikram,
My philosophy as well: “If you cant be responsible for your kids then dont give birth to them. Simple.”
Yeah maybe I should have done that too. It never struck me then. But perhaps its the parent I should have asked to leave taking her precious son with her! 😉
Would love to see more posts on parenting from you Shail 🙂
@Krishnaleela,
I have been asked to by some friends some time back when conversations on parenting ensue. but I have brushed them aside because I feel each one has to find their own ways (This is my philosophy for everything in life 😛 ) to deal with things. But may be yes, I should write down my experiences and observations. Who knows it might help someone. Isn’t that so??
Thanks for the suggestion 🙂
@Shail, I agree with you Shail . Every one has to find their own way . There is no easy- to- use- ready – made -kit for parenting . I also believe in that school. That is why I have included this line on my about page .
” It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection” – Bhagavad Gita
But , experiences from persons like you will be a great help for parents like me 🙂 and a great read for the boys 🙂
eeh !! I can imagine how difficult it would have been for you to put up with women like the one here .
Ashwathy,
Glad to know you too think the same. 🙂 I noticed that you haven’t read these posts about my monkeys : The FB and the SB and yeah there are a few more posts about the sons 🙂
I had a friend who used to listen with great interest to how I dealt with things. He was the one who suggested to me that I should write about the way I dealt with things. I admit I am a lot different and did not let ‘elders’ in any way interfere with my upbringing of my children 🙂
Wow!! That was some case of disobedience. You handled it great. I wonder if I would do the same, maybe. If polite ways of pointing out don’t worry then I will be firm and persistent about it. I sometimes wonder why parents such as in this case do what they do. Maybe they are just tired of hyperactive kids – but then like someone said if parents don’t take care and teach the kids then the rest of the world will and should!!
@Simran,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you for the comment. I do agree that some parents maybe tired of the hyperactive kids. But the secret is to channelize the energy the parents have for the more important things and let the minor things go. And misbehaving so blatantly falls under the category to be checked and dealt with pronto. Don’t you think so??
Interesting story.
You were more patient with that kid than I would have been. Feminine quality perhaps.
I would have picked up that kid from the sofa, right in front of his mom, placed him next to the book and ORDERED him to pick up the book.
I would warn him, “no movies, no snacks or goodies for you in this house till you do it”. I would then order him to say “Sorry”. Out of the corner of my eye, I would take a look at the Mother to see how she was reacting. If she still does not step in to take charge I would risk my friendship and face unpleasantness head on by asking her to do her job of parenting and frankly state that we can’t tolerate such behaviour even if it is only a child.
If she argued, or felt offended, I would call off the day’s program and then maintain my distance from the family in future.
I have had a similar experience with a five year old spoilt brat. He had accompanied his mother and aunt who were our guests one evening. This boy insisted on opening our show case and wanted to play with some expensive show pieces which were all fragile.
A polite “No”, followed by an attempt to distract him and turn his attention elsewhere did not work. He threw tantrums.
Since the mother and aunt continued to be absorbed in conversation with my wife, and showed no interest in tackling this boy, I firmly lifted the child and took him out of the room while the rest of the family continued to engage in conversation over the din created by this brat. The child did not come willingly with me had to be dragged kicking and screaming but I did not care.
He wailed for some time, and then later quietened down and forgot the matter. He found something else to amuse himself with.
Sometimes, you need to be ready to face unpleasantness in situations like this.
The only thing I am incapable of doing is to raise my hand to beat a child. I have never done that. Not even to my own children except for a rare occasion when a firm rap on the buttock became absolutely necessary to control indiscipline. Of course it was followed by expressions of regret, and facing the ire of the wife for being a brute, consoling the kids, and compensating with a Cadbury’s chocolate bar. That was over two decades ago.
Thanks for this opportunity to reminisce.
Regards
GV
@G Vishwanath,
It is not for nothing that I describe myself as Patience Personified 😉
In the army a Unit is like a family. The families in the Unit are thrown together whether we like it or not. We have to keep meeting each other. So you try your best to avoid things coming to a head in spite of temptations. But of course when I had to I have done what I have to, in spite of the ‘family’ bit (Story coming up soon) 🙂
I have taken the occasional ‘spank’ route when verbal commands/requests don’t have the desired effect. So long as punishments are not the result of emotional outbursts on the part of parents, I think the message reaches the children clearly. Of course unconditional and frank apologies are also called for if parents make mistakes.
I love your reaction. I have seen quite a few who are like this. It feels like, since they are working or have ONLY one or two kids they feel compelled to give up their position as the Parent or Adult in the relationship. It really annoys me.
Usually, I fume inside and I stop Letting/Inviting them in my house. After a while they get the message and stop sending their kids over and sometimes even the Adults stop coming…Ah! my gain!
@Rashmi,
Oh but believe me no amount of trying to send a message across worked with these neighbors. 😉 I can actually fill a book with anecdotes, experiences of being their neighbors for two long years! 😉
You are so right when you say that some parents think they should be their child’s friend to the exclusion of being the parent.They are doing an extreme disservice to their children.
As a former preschool teacher with a degree in child development I can say with authority that 3 year olds (and even younger)are ready and somewhat willing to learn social behavior appropriate to the situation.It was very easy to tell which children were spoiled at home,but even those children could learn what was allowed in school and what was not.
You did precisely the correct thing in giving the mother an opportunity to correct the behavior and, when it was apparent she would not,stepping in to teach the boy what is NOT allowed in your home. Children are quite adept at realizing that rules can be different in different places.My grandma had different rules at her house than we had at home.She was more flexible on certain issues and more strict on others.One rule was always consitant in both places.You never,ever abused a book (though some got loved nearly to oblivion).
It was Mrs. U who seemed blocked in her perceptions, as she had no understanding that the rules in your house didn’t change from one visit to the next.I don’t know that I would have the patience to ever have them over again.Bravo Shail!
@Sally A.,
Yeah I have noticed that the children KNOW when you mean what you say and react accordingly. I have more stories on that. Thanks, I did want the mother to correct him. To tell you the truth, I feel it is Mr U who needed some lessons! ‘Blocked in her perceptions’ fits her so well.
Like I said when the husbands belong to the same platoon, we are thrown together by force. So I had to have her over as part of a larger group.
oh I just loved the way you dealt with it..
I remember feeling the same way, a few of years back, on a Trivandrum-Bangalore train trip. 4 adults boarded the train at some intermediate station with a 10yr old boy. Their destination was a couple of stations away. The kid threw a tantrum for the window seat. I had one. I didn’t bother. The gentleman sitting opposite me wanted to feel largehearted and offered the kid his seat. It started raining soon after and everyone started pulling down the window shutters. It was a long distance train and the last thing that people wanted was wet and dirty floor + their luggage drenched in that dirt. But this kid wouldn’t let his parents close that window. and they laughed it off. I waited a while for the parents to do what they are supposed to, and then I told him sternly to close the window. That was all. He did it. and then he opened it again after a while. I told him once more to close the window and told him ‘and don’t make me repeat that, ok?’. He closed the window and sat without uttering a single word till they got down the train. The adults just sat there thinking in unison ‘ahankaari!’, but yeah, being the kind of people who are incapable of teaching their kid some discipline, none of them dared to speak.
@usha,
Nice to see after long 🙂 And I love the way you dealt with the window-seat boy! 🙂 I especially loved the ‘and don’t make me repeat that okay?’ 🙂 The adults with him should be ashamed that they should have a ‘ahankari’ come long to do the job which they should have done in the first place.
Hi Shail,
Here from IHM’s…I absolutely agree what you did was right, I have had similar incidents at my house when my kids were a little younger. I have reacted the same way, barged in after the mother didn’t react at all. I made sure the kid knew his tantrums wouldn’t work with me or at my house. I have had many situations when I have to step in like that. At times the parents are not at my house and their kids are having a sleep over or just playing…I make sure all kids go by my rules as long as they are at my place. There is another kind of parents I dread, those who tend to over-do their parenting especially when they are visiting some place. This one time I had a langar sewa at my place and a mother smacked her little daughter really hard on her face ‘cuz she had accidentally hit my son who was barely walking then. I was left feeling so sorry and guilty for the child ‘cuz I could feel her pain through her sad eyes, but mainly very angry at the mother the rest of the time they were there and I was embarrassed before the other guests as well. My son was hurt, but it was only a minor physical injury and he stopped crying after a while but the girl was emotionally hurt, the insult and embarrassment stayed with her the entire evening, probably even longer.
@J,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. I am also horrified when I come across the other kind of parent you mentioned, the one that over-does the punishment bit. It is a humiliation for the child and will definitely leave a scar. Better to be firm or take the child aside and talking to her would have been a better way to deal with it. Then she could be asked to apologise.
Sigh, a lot of parents need more parenting than the kids themselves, 😦
I wonder how some parents leave their children even when they behave bad at others homes.I have seen a lot of them and I strongly believe parents are to be blamed for not parenting properly
@lahari,
Of course! I agree, it is the parents who need parenting, so that they learn to parent the children better.
I shudder to think what the boy is like now…
@Sraboney,
Yeah, I wonder too.
I am sure it was son-fixation that made Mrs U treat her kid like a deity. I am more worried about the little girl, about the kind of upbringing she would have had. Constantly pandering to the whims of her bully of a brother with the Mom’s tacit support. What a shame!
@Purba,
Well, yes, there was a definite bias towards the son. It was the younger one who was told to adjust to the Raja beta, which she obliged with a smile. Come to think of it, I had never once seen the daughter throwing a tantrum!
correction …it was *the* son-fixation
WOw. Good give me similar strength to deal with such situatitons.I am taking down notes right now 🙂
@Anita Menon,
Lol @taking notes. Yeah Anita you come across some parents and you are fit to blow your top, but you have to handle it right for the sake of your own children too.
God*
Hi,
I can see the frustration and anger. This is what I felt when I traveled to Bangalore recently. Both the times, (to and fro), I have seen unruly kids, and parents and grandparents indulging them. They are all software professional parents wearing their new found wealth on their sleeves and in their conversation. But the way the kids were throwing tantrums were seen to be believed. The entire party was disturbing all the other passengers !
it is sad to see such behaviour , and the parents have to take the responsibility.
We are having loud and unruly children in the middle classes..
@Pattu,
It is extremely sad indeed. It is undoubtedly the parents responsibility. I have no two minds about it and tell people who care to listen (including my children) that they don’t have to prove their reproductive capacity by having children; they should have children only when they are mentally and emotionally and physically ready and willing to take on the responsibility, not just financially.
BTW, Welcome to Shail’s Nest 🙂
I totally agree with what you did…. Its actually disgusting when the children throw tantrums and parents won’t do anything to keep a check on it.
@Prats,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you 🙂 It certainly is inconvenient for all concerned when parents let kids misbehave in this manner.
Most irksome! I think you did the right thing.
Havent had to deal with such ones yet 🙂 But it is a disturbing thing…
The Mallu saying rings so true… spoilt brats cant have things their way all the time…
@Priya,
Yeah sometime or other such kids have to face reality in life. I hope parents who spoil children remember that they are making things difficult for them.
Your experience was worse than the one mentioned in the article. I have a cousin who has been very lenient with her second child. Its a complicated case involving some horoscope issues for the child and the fact that he had severe medical complications as an infant. This made her fearful of ever doing anything and losing him. She is today totally dancing to the whims and fancies of the child. Moreover both the children have a habit of expecting gifts from everyone who visits and if you haven’t got anything, the kids actually ask you why you haven’t got them gifts. There is a lot of dysfunction in that family and now that the kids are growing older, my cousin is realising her faults and is in a depressive state. Sometimes I feel sorry for all of them.
@cheesychic30,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. I read a short story once about a mother neglecting one child because the horoscope foretold the other would expire soon.
Won’t your cousin take the children for counseling?? I don’t know if there are really good ones around. But I feel some kids who have been spoilt and their parents do need counseling to get back on track. It is really sad.
I have seen some children who fall on the ground and scream till they are blue in the face. The parents immediately give in to whatever they are asking for. But I have also read that no child can come to any harm if they do that. Many parents don’t even know that as they believe in some old-wives tale about the child holding his breath and fainting/dying. Since this thing starts when children are quite young, the foundation is laid very nicely for future tantrums.
@Shail, Yes, they have started counselling I believe. Hopefully things should get back on track, though my cousin has a long way to go before gaining self confidence that it is ok to be who she is and that she doesnt need to conform to the societal definition of things.
I agree with GV here. You had the patience. I’d have been more drastic and curt. Like literally lifting the boy and ordering him to take the book. Or maybe not.
I cannot judge until I am a parent or in a similar position.
But bottomline is, I would not have tolerate such nonsense. There is nothing more that irritates me than cowardly parents who do not discipline their kids. In your case, keeping in line with the proverb, literally strangers had to discipline the child as opposed to its parents. You handled it very well I must say.
And for the life of me, I cannot imagine why I hadn’t followed you earlier. Adding your blog to my list now 🙂
I kind of agree with Purba in this. It seems like a son fixation…where the son has his say in everything and the daughter has to adjust to the situation 😐
@Ashwathy,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and I am honored by its addition to your blog list 🙂
Your comment (I cannot judge until I am a parent) reminded me of what my sister said long back. the time my son was around 2+ and was throwing a royal tantrum. I asked him what he wanted, more wails and garbled words, which I could not make head or tail of. I told him ‘stop crying and then tell Amma, coz she cannot understand what you are saying’. But he continued wailing and mumbling whatever he wanted… I let him be, ‘stop crying and tell me and I will do that for you, or else keep crying’. I was totally cool when I said that to him.
I calmly went about what I had to do. My sister who was unmarried at the time said she would have been impatient and irritated in my place. In fact even my mother said the same. They could not understand how i could be cool. 😆
My patience paid off, of course after our ear-drums took a beating. When the royal ignore got to him, he stopped crying and told me more clearly what he wanted. I gave it to him. This one lesson taught him at 2+ that he could not get his way through tantrums, what he had to say had to be said normally, not in wailing/screaming tones.
In real life (I will not say today’s parents, that’s a term I hate and don’t agree with) most parents are more bothered about pacifying the child on a temporary basis than teaching long term lessons. The truth is none of the extended family members or friends give support in teaching children valuable lessons. Most want an easy way out and in the process create little monsters. Parenting is hard work and those who are not willing to put in that work, should opt not to have children. Strictly my opinion of course 🙂
Yes, in the above case, the lady had a son-fixation as well.
also interesting to see that most times, the terrible behavior of a child reflects only the mother. the fathers are rarely held responsible. i once witnessed a child’s power of mass destruction. in a matter of 40 minutes, he had broken my specs (pounded is more like it), emptied all cosmetic lotions into water bottles and smeared the gloop on every shiny surface possible. when this was discovered (towards the end of their visit), his mother gave him a sound spanking and she apologised profusely. i felt sorry for her. after they left some of the ‘elders’ promptly discussed that ‘this is what happens if the mother is working’. yeah sure. it is because the mother trusts these elders to take care of the child when she earning money for the family…she is the one who brings in steady income, while the husband is into ‘business’ – and it is these morons of elders who have done the damage. what is worse, i bet they prevent the mother from punishing the child, undermining her authority as a mother. the child knows that his mother is powerless…all he has to do is run to his grandparents.
@Sumana,
Ahhh there you have touched a topic I can writes lots about: the grandparents, the elders, who will not let the parents parent their children and then heap blame on them. I MUST write about that. It is a sore point with me.
I consider myself lucky that I stayed miles away from grandparents and elders of the family while bringing up my kids. Not that I would have let them interfere, but it saved me some trouble as I avoided scenes where I would have given them a piece of my mind.
And of course it helped that I was a SAHM (though not all SAHMs are able to stand up to the interference from the ‘elder gang’). In those cases where the elders are caretakers of children while the mother pursues a career, they succeed in turning the child into a monster who undermines authority.
Well most of the time, mothers get blamed. In our (army) case at least, it is a fact that the fathers aren’t around that much. And when they are, they indulge the kids, putting the mothers at a disadvantage. Then there are mothers who invoke the father’s name as a sort of threat to discipline the kids. You can bet your bottom dollar that I did not let either happen 😉
At least the mother had the grace to apologize and correct the child in your case. Specs to a pulp?!
I’ve done my share of disciplining someone else’s kid too — mostly, my nephews/neices/cousins. It’s horrible, ita annoying and it’s injust! To the kids and to others.
I LOVED what you said to that kid.
@Scorpria,
Thank you. You know its surprising (or may be not) how kids obey those who mean what they tell them. Very rarely have I been disobeyed by other children when I have had occasion to discipline! 😉
Bringing up children is not a joke,
though it is here, most parents choke.
And Wise we might call these folk
who know there are times for rules to invoke
And times when it is enough that they just spoke.
I too would ‘discipline’ tantrum throwing kids,not minding what their parents would think.Luckily most of them were thankful that I took charge of the situation.Maybe now I have mellowed down. I don’t know how I will act when I become a grandfather. Will I spoil them(children and grand-children in particular)? I don’t know. 🙂
@Govind,
I know how some parents like or want you to discipline their children too. It makes it convenient for them. 🙂 Now now, don’t go around spoiling your grandchildren! 😀
This is the problem with us – the mother giving in to her son’s tantrums !!! And later she might be lamenting if he kicks her out of his house !!!
We do the upbringing wrongly and just go on blaming the others….
I am glad u spoke all that Shail….sometimes even I do that to our relatives’ kids who behave well at my place – becos they know that tantrums wont work with me.
Thanks for the comment Uma. I don’t know how I missed replying to you! :O
Oh I so hate the dialog many parents give: “bachhe hai”. Especially on train and other public places. somethings are excusable as kids but some are not. Parents need to know the difference.
A lot of time it is the parents who need to be parented before they can parents kids.
Just my kinda post shail.. 🙂 these days parenting seems to be all about giving all that money can buy to children. Ipads and I phones to 13 yr olds and cars to 16 yr olds. When kids have nothing to look forward to / want/ work toward, I guess they resort to tantrums (from boredom maybe?)Love seemes to be all about great expectations..the children expecting instant gratification for all their wants and parents expecting super kids who are sent for a zillion classes! I realize there is no perfect parenting, but a kinder, gentler, less materialistic gen next would be nice!
You have a point Suchismita. Sorry for the late response.
It was your house, your rules, and your book! You had every right to scold him, especially since his mom did not. And you gave her every chance to step in! Wow!!! Did she really try to bully your kids to give him a book even after that?!! That’s just ridiculous!! He’ll turn out to be a complete mess if this is still the situation!!
That lady should send her son to the United States..he’ll be working hard to make ends meet and learn that he should not disrespect other people’s possessions ;). The younger generation (which I’m in) sucks these days and many don’t get the value of hard work since they are given everything and don’t care. There’s no respect from them these days and with their big egos, they walk all over others and act so arrogant (seen it in nursing school myself). That kid should have been BEAT black and blue !! I don’t agree with beating your child black blue normally, but situations like this…HECK YA !!, It’ll straighten him up for sure !!