chameleon, funny, funny story, humor, insects, jurassic park, lizards, tongue in cheek, tongue-in-cheek
I know they talk about me all the time. I can feel their eyes on me as I walk across the room. One winks to another as if to say, “She is the one!” They probably laugh. Hmm… Do lizards wink, I wonder? And can they laugh? I am not too up on my zoology about that, but I am sure they must be doing whatever the human equivalent of winking and laughing is. When they congregate behind picture frames or behind almirahs for their lizard conventions, I must be the chief topic of discussion. They will have plenty to discuss alright.
I don’t know what it is with them, the insects/reptiles and me. If I had my way, if our paths were to cross at all, I would prefer them to take the low road and I the high road. Well I am not particular about it. If they so want they can take the high road and I shall be delighted to take the low road. All I ask is that we do not take the same road. Is that asking too much? I shall be East and they the West (Thank you, Rudyard Kipling) or vice versa, so never the twain need meet.
What’s my grouse you wonder?!
Our sideboard had broken its leg and had to be sent to for repairs. We are transferring the glasses and other cutlery from it to the old wooden cupboard. There I am, surrounded by glasses, cups, plates and other fragile things, wiping away, nodding to the music playing from across the room. That’s when I feel a sort of weight on my dress, look down and see this albino house lizard clinging to my dress.
I try to scream, but no sound comes. I merely go “Ggg…gguu ..gguu…” My normal routine in such situations is to shriek a good deal, enough to wake the dead, and make a dash for somewhere other than where I had been initially. If I had followed the usual pattern there would not have been much crockery left so to speak of. My brain, showing great presence of mind had assessed the situation, paralyzed me and saved the glasses and cups and plates and jugs and whatnots.
Heads turn at the “Ggg…gguu ..gguu..” and the Lord and Master, my savior is soon by my side, flicking off the offending lizard, and promptly leading me to safety.
He: Why did you have to go and stand there? Something like this was bound to happen!
I: (Silent, still remembering and mentally shuddering at the experience of an albino lizard staring me in the eye)
Children give amused looks. The rare occasions they find their Mom helpless tickle them pink.
You think this is all? No siree!
I walk in to my kitchen after a brisk walk and take the pet bottle off the kitchen counter to have a drink of water. My hand touches something cold and I send the bottle flying across the kitchen. There had been a lizard sitting on it. What the heck was it doing on MY kitchen counter and on the pet bottle to be precise?!
Someone has left the kitchen drawer open. About to close it I see some sort of string inside. “What’s that string doing in the drawer?” I ask myself, always the one to want to get to the bottom of things, and pull it, when it quickly slips away. Let me tell you, that was one surprised lizard and one shocked lady. And it makes the day for my family. Sigh.
I make chikki (peanut candy) and walk over to the room where the Martians have congregated to announce the glad tidings. I carry with me the scrapings from the vessel, having left the chikki to cool. Watching the delighted faces with pride, I take just that little bit of extra time to return to the kitchen. On my return I find Mr. Lizard (It could be Mrs. Lizard too) helping itself to the chikki. I throw the whole thing out in frustration. Having second thoughts I go out and get the plate back. I can’t afford to throw plates around in this manner each time.
Is all this fair, I ask you?! Do I go and sit on the walls and try to throw a spanner into a lizard’s dinner by eating up all the moths or insects or mosquitoes or whatever their dinner is?!
This is not all.
There is this house where I used to stay which was haunted by a chameleon. ‘Haunted?’ you ask, with that sly grin. Off her onion, you think about me. Ha, but little know you the truth! Years back when I used to stay there, there was this regular visitor. A chameleon. There is a saying in Malayalam that goes, “Onthine kandal thalli kollanam” It means, if you see a chameleon, beat it to death. (I hope Maneka Gandhi is not around or else my goose is cooked). Now as to why the old timers thought it should be beaten to death I have not a clue. But I sure know their hearts were in the right place.
This chameleon (or maybe there were more and they were taking turns to harass me) would come in daily and park itself at one place or another. Most mornings I found it silhouetted against the curtains in the drawing room. Since it was on the other side of the curtain, very bravely, I used to attempt to chase it off myself. After all, my baby was sleeping inside. Suppose it crawled in? One day I found it in the bathroom. I promptly ran out, my heart in my mouth, the scream well and truly stifled. My maid very helpfully chased it off the premises. Another day, I found it sitting on my sewing machine. Sewing Machine! Was it going to stitch itself a dress? My one year old was sleeping in the same room. I sat next to him keeping an unceasing vigil on this chameleon aspiring to be a tailor. When the doorbell rang, I made a dash for it, let my 7 yr old who had returned from school, in and ran back. With his help and a good deal of muffled shrieks (the sleeping baby!) I chased and trapped it in the tiny toilet with no means of escape. Come evening, and enter the Lord and Master the Savior. Things were soon resolved with the chameleon taking to the open spaces again.
Well I ask you again, is this just?! Do I go and sit behind bushes and scare the chameleons to death?! Haven’t I left my garden free for them to run and frolic? Yet they have designs on my home. Unfair!
Once I was sitting out in the enclosed verandah, talking on the phone. Sometimes dry leaves blow in from the nearby tree and entangle themselves among the small green leaves of the plants in the pots kept there. I idly pick out the dry leaf from one such plant, as I usually do, all the while talking on the phone.
I look down to where I had dropped the leaf. Not one dry leaf on the mosaic floor. Surprised, I look up. No dried leaf on the plant either. Strange. I literally jump off the verandah (and out of my skin too) when I realize what I had thought to be a dry leaf had all along been a small brown chameleon. It is sitting on a lower branch of the plant and staring at me balefully, justifiably offended for having pulled its tail for no reason at all.
The Lord and Master had plenty to say apart from the mirth that I could hear flowing freely down the telephone lines from far away Bishnupur. “Hahahaha. You better leave things alone…..I am warning you in advance. I bet your next phone call is going to be about kicking some stick on the road, and it turning out to be a snake.” Well I do have this habit of kicking off anything lying on the road, being a considerate soul and not wanting anyone to trip and fall. Now I have wisely given it up, this service I had been providing free of cost to humanity.
There are the cockroaches whom I take pains to avoid but who take greater pains to find me and sometimes by flying in. Ugh! There are spiders that jump out of dark corners with the sole purpose of scaring me. Then there is this mouse or its whole family perhaps, who regularly upset the lamp I lit before the Gods. I asked around and none of my neighbors had this problem. That says a lot, don’t you think?
Hmmm.. …I stick to my theory. There is this big conspiracy against me. They are all in it together. Shhhhh…….Can’t you hear them tittering??
Another one: Operation Spider
And then again, more empathy! I live with them too, but I have attained that level of acceptance, as they too have I suppose, with me :D!
Delightfully caricatured is the lady of the house, and her congregation at convention :D!
I loved reading this!!!
Oh yes, these creatures do conspire
Of scaring us they never tire
Spider, reptile and roach
Peace of mind they poach
Worst of all, they multiply and sire!
Side splitting!!! that was one hilarious account of your encounters …of the creepy crawly kind 🙂
lolzz!!! a refreshin read 🙂
It is such a pleasure to read you ! I came to this because it reminded me of that old spider post … and to my delight I find you have linked it here 🙂 Thank you.
As regards the lizards, my sympathies are with you, chechi 😉 and I agree its not fair at all !!! So just injustice day after day. Btw there was a nice touch : “Is all this fair, I ask you! Do I go and sit on the walls and try to throw a spanner into a lizard’s dinner by eating up all the moths or insects or whatever their dinner is??” Such things will occur to none other than you, the gift of humor is such a rare gift ! Absolutely hilarious.
Now, off to read the spider post 🙂
Wonderful account of your adventures with insects and reptiles!:)
In truth, we are not the owners of our own homes, these creatures are. They were there before we ever came to live in our homes, and will still be there when we have moved on!
Nino's Mum said:
They’re out to get you I say!
ROTFL!! I am sure your shrieks frighten them more than they scare you 🙂
Usha, oh yeah sigh, I live with them too. Just the other day I saw this spider hip=hopping along the wall next to the TV. I was all poised for flight but mercifully it decided not to scare me any further and did the disappearing act. Glad you enjoyed reading it.
Gulshan, you bet they multiply and sire. So its lone me against scores of them! :O
Ganga, That would have made a lovely title, ‘Encounters Of The Creepy Crawly Kind‘!!
Sashu, thank you. Glad you found it refreshing!
Aditi, aahhh, you found your way here. Thanks for the lavish praise showered! 🙂 Well aren’t I right?? Do I go and sit on the walls?? 😛 😉
Manju, absolutely right! They were there before us and will be there after us too, but I hope they would leave me alone in the in-between! 😉
Nino’s Mum, laugh dear, I know too that they are out to get me!! 😦
IHM, interesting that you should say that. It is something hotly debated here. L & M says I scare them (not to mention the neighbors), while I maintain that they scare me. Hmm…
LOLLL, the eternal war between the insects and the female humans. Wonderfully written
Ritu, sigh, yes the same never-ending war between female humans and the insect/reptiles.;) Thanks!
They are crawn to you like moths to a flame, my dear. Face it, you are a modern day Pied Piper, a Dr. Doolittled, a Noah. The creatures are drawn to your purity of spirit.
Then again, if one were to believe in reincarnation, perhaps it is merely your friends and relatives who have gone before paying you a visit.
Hope your Diwali is peaceful and filled with light!
DRAWN, drawn to you….
Yes, I can type and spell even!
DeeAnne, delighted to see you. Diwali was excellent with Junior home. I guess you are right, they seem really drawn to me!!!!! Modern day Pied Piper/Dolittle/ Noah Effect or reincarnated relatives and friends?? Hmmm… worth thinking over that one!! 😉 Hehe… I can see that you can type!! 😉
That was one creepy blog. Well written, as usual, and earns you a ‘blogroll’ on my site! 🙂
By the way, in my wife’s house in Palakkad, in addition to all the animals you have mentioned, mosquitoes (and XXL sized ones) and snakes too co-exist with humans. Can you take that?
Keep them coming.
this was funny..considering it wasn’t happening to me…:D
Salil, *taking a bow* Thank you, am honored. Ahh tell me about Palakkad!! I remember the ‘flying’ tree frogs that made me go round the bend. I was simply terrified of them. Then the rat snakes and the cobra that my brother saw at close quarters one day. The pond was struck off my list when I saw the neerkkoli slithering away. I’d rather sit on the steps and pour mugfuls of water over myself! BTW there is a snake story in the pipeline. As for mosquitoes, they give me a wide berth and approach me only as a last resort, when there are none around for them to feast on. Now., I wonder why!!
Suma, aaahh an empathetic soul! 🙂
Shail, all cold blooded creatures leave me cold. I still vividly remember a ‘neerkoli’ slithering over me and looking me in the eye as I am backstroking in the kulam,some 20-25 years ago.
Yikes PRG, a neerkkoli slithering over you?? :O I would have drowned then and there probably. On second thoughts I would have drowned anyway as I don’t know to swim!! 😉 Lol.
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Jithin V Mohan said:
Ha ha ha…
But I think I should not read further… I’ll laugh to death!! Ha ha ha!!
I’m still laughing and so is my whole family!!
Me: Hello again! Glad to have you all laughing at my plight! 😛 Lol.
sigh …if only you had watched discovery wild life more closely …you d know they taste better in food !! some people actually eat them…
Me: OMG Gyanban, I’d rather be a veggie. I don’t think meeting one on a social level on my plate is going to do my insides any good! 😛
LOL!! Yuck,yuck and more yuck! And what about the frogs? They lord it over the gang of baleful-look-givers!Croaking from below the kitchen sink and behind the throne in the bathrooma!As if THEY are actual occupants and not us temporary two year allotees!
Me: Ahhh the frogs. But I am more scared of the tree frogs that come out at night and sit on walls and jump at us unexpectedly scaring you half to death! The first time I chased one aggressively off was after my first son was born. My mother started laughing watching the scredy cat moi bravely chasing off a tree frog. ‘Ahhh… How having a child changes a woman from a mouse to a tigress!’ she remarked.
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Oh my god! This was so much fun! 😀
I have an aunt who is shit scared of cockroaches. Of lizards, she says thy make her all shy; especially when they’re in the bathroom, they can see her naked. Buhahahahahaha 😀
Hahaha. Your Aunt is funny! 😀
Vasudha Rao said:
I can understand your situation…even I am as scared as you areor maybe more …. of all these creepy things….I also scream & nobody notices them, as most of the times I am screaming !
//I also scream & nobody notices them, as most of the times I am screaming !//
Sigh, so true.
I think I may be odd compared to others regarding this but..I kind of adore lizards and wouldn’t mind them living in my home. Strange as it sounds but I think they are cute ! 😀 Don’t know if you heard of a bearded dragon…would like one as a pet one day ;). Though I”m not a fan of spiders, I do like tarantulas that people keep as pets hehe :p
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