Tags
adrift, memoirs, musings, personal space, postaday, reminiscences, space
Personal space is not a concept easily understood or accepted in an Indian family setting. Women and girls are the ones who come off worse, not that men and boys aren’t equally affected. Parents don’t think twice about going through the effects of children without their knowledge, never mind if said children are in college, or are even married and have kids of their own. By the same token, the young don’t give personal space to the older folk too. It happens all the time. And no one thinks it is wrong in any way.
I must have been around eighteen or so when one day mother found me writing a letter. It was to my friend Razia, I remember that detail to this day. Yes, I told mother the same when she asked me, all suspicious-like, what I was doing. Any sort of communication between the genders is anathema to most Indian parents, and it was especially so all those decades ago during my college days. Meeting or talking with those of the opposite gender was a big no-no.
Anyways, there I was, writing a letter to a friend, having left her behind and moved to a new college for my graduation. Teenage years. I chuckle thinking of it today, but at the time the problems were serious enough for the age. Somewhere halfway through my long newsy letter, I slipped into a more somber mood. Very theatrically, I likened my predicament, and myself, to a ship adrift in the sea. No land visible anywhere, I wrote. Soon I settled in, the words coming off easily enough, good for more outpourings of pure teenage angst to fill the pages. But it was not to be.
Mother, who was in the room, folding clothes or so, and had been eyeing me from time to time, walked over to where I was sitting at the table, and asked to see the letter I was writing. I am sure most girls of my age in that era would have felt resentment of a sort while still obeying the order pronto. Not me.
I was angry and SCANDALIZED. I did NOT want to hand over my personal letter to mother. What did she mean wanting to read MY letter to MY friend? It was bad enough that every elder around seemed it was okay to open any letter that came for me, but to want to read what I send too? NO WAY! These were the thoughts running in my head.
Perhaps that’s what prompted me (ahh, the joys of righteous indignation when you are innocent of any wrong-doings!) to look at mother defiantly and firmly say, “No!” By the manner in which she paused I knew she hadn’t expected my answer to be a bold refusal. Her voice rose the second time around when she demanded that I hand the letter over to her, Right Then. “No!” I repeated, and then did something she did not expect me to.
She had extended her hand to snatch the letter off where it lay so innocently on the table, but I had already snatched it up and deliberately tore it to little bits. I threw the pieces into the wastepaper basket and turned to look at her triumphantly. She (or anyone else) was NOT going to read my letter. So what if I had to write it all over again, and this time I made sure it was when no one was around.
Some people claim to have an ‘open’ system of doing things, an open house where all members of a family have access to all cupboards, tables, draws, wardrobes, handbags. They have nothing to hide from their family or close ones, they say. Well, we are all not the same. I am definitely not the sort. And it is certainly not a matter of having anything to hide, but a matter of respecting personal space. I am a private person and simply do NOT take kindly to anyone nosing through my things without my express permission. With the exception of Luci, but of course.
It is strange, the association of words. The letter incident was what came to mind when I saw the Daily Prompt today to be the word ‘adrift‘.
©Shail Mohan 2017
Shail's Nest 
Your post brought back a memory that was forgotten under the piles of time.
I write a letter (inland letter) to my bro in another city ( Yes, those days we did write letters) and as i was about to seal the Inland letter my mom-in-law asked me to read . I was aghast. I didn’t answer and sealed the letter firmly. She understood my intention and in a very sweet voice said that her eldest daughter-in-law read out all letters written to her mom/bro . I ignored it.
But today as I recollect the incident, I laugh. Back then it was an invasion in my privacy. In India there is nothing like personal space and personal matters are dissected openly in public.
Space is very important and am not sure most of the people understand this. I remember writing a love letter to a crush and Mom saw it…she happened to know the girl. I was a bit ashamed. Sadly that we all barge into each other’s space and it’s important for us to respect privacy. It matters the most. It’s the reason why I could never survive in an extended set up with all kind of nosy relatives barging in. I normally enjoy living alone and there are plans to move out, not that Maa interfere too much now but love it that way. I am so happy to read your thoughts on space which is sacred to my eyes.
Oh God, this is something I feel passionately about.
My dad has gone through my letters when I was a teenager – ones that I got and ones I sent, and has commented on the content. The memory of it still rankles.
I am fanatic about keeping my daughter’s privacy. When she was eight, she got her own room, and apart from the time that her room needs dusting, I don’t enter it. And when I do, I only look at the dust.
I so relate….
I confiscated my nephew’s (in plus 2) phone and promised to buy him one when he goes to college. It had some 300+ apps and something marked ‘personal notes’. It never even occurred to me to go through it. I was finding some difficulties in uninstalling certain apps and I gave the phone to my friend (who’s an expert in these things). The minute she saw the notes, she started reading out loud. Exclaiming ‘oh sooo cute’, ‘he has a good vocab’ etc. I told her to not read out aloud, but somehow didnt stop her from reading for a good 5 minutes. Then I came to my senses and snatched the phone back. This happened last week. I feel so guilty. I know how sacredly we safeguard our secrets. My family too had an annoying habit of going through my personal diary when I was in school. Later I started locking my diaries and letters. My nephew apparently didnt bother to delete/lock everything because he forgot or trusted me. I feel I let him down.
ha ha i used to write after school to my classmate and Male !! he was and is my best buddy, he brought an diff perspective to my problems and i hope i did the same. however after one episode of letter opening and the resultant tantrum no one at home touched them. i agree we all need to stress personal space, irrespective of if we have something to hide or not.
I respect the stance you took with your mother, she seemed determined to have her way, you must admit, it was a good lesson for her. Parents seemed to be more concerned about their Children’s Welfare back in the days of writing letters and notes. Today with the massive Social Network access there is little or no parental control. I think parents should have an idea on the location of their children and the kind of messages they do on social networks. I find some Facebook messages disgusting. Old fashioned me.