The picture was fading at the edges, its reality disappearing into the nothingness I feared so much. I looked at it once more, hungrily, intently studying its every feature, the colors, the contours, again and again, trying to imprint it into permanence, onto my mercurial mind that was day-by-day refusing to acknowledge my wishes in the matter. I wanted the picture to remain, forever.
Forever. A word few understand. It surprises me though, the ignorance, the ambiguity surrounding it, for I have always known what it means, what it is meant to be. And yet, forever was now deserting me, slipping through my fingers, leaving nothing in its wake for me to nurture and be nurtured, in my loneliness.
I carefully tucked the picture back into the recesses of my traitorous mind, taking care not to enrage it, stilling the rising panic that might usher the nothingness in, earlier than it should. In which corner of which crease of my brain was it embedded, I mused. Once more, cautiously, I tried to feel its serrated edges, to make sure it resided safely where I could reach it at short notice, when the desire struck.
All I could feel was nothingness.
I tried to dig deeper, desperation making me clumsy. Nothing, there was nothing where some time back there had been….. what? What had been there some time back? I knew I was looking for something, something important, something that was dear to me, something without which life was meaningless. I had to ensure that it was safe. What was it? My mind drew a blank. I felt trapped. Fear gripped me. I had lost. Nothingness had won.