I firmly believe in the adage, ‘change is the only constant in this world’. Needless to say the change I am talking about here does not refer to it, but to the ‘change’ that is expected of a woman.
Recently IHM wrote a post ‘What would you not change for love’ which actually translated to what a woman would not change for the man she gets committed to and his family. If it had been about love, the incurable romantic that I am, my answer would unequivocally have been, “I’d change everything and nothing for love” But since this is about more practical matters, my thoughts took a different direction
I belong to ancient times when changing oneself to suit the ‘man of your life’ was THE thing to be done, be it ‘love marriage’ (rarer those days but still in existence) or the more ubiquitous ‘arranged’ one. A complete makeover from whatever or whoever you had been prior to that particular point of time, to merge with the new man in your life and his family, was what was expected of you. Your wings were suitably clipped to discourage flying and a string was tied to your leg so you never wandered far.
If there were exceptions, for there are always are, they were few and far between and any of the girls who were so lucky were looked at with envy by the rest. Truly speaking, though one desires it weren’t so, things haven’t changed all that much in the present times almost a quarter century or more later, except in a few pockets and that too not to the extent one would like to see.
If you ask me NOW, (yes IHM has and hence the post) my advice would be, don’t change, be yourself. But when you have grown up brainwashed into thinking that changing to suit your new family is what life is all about for a woman, then that is the ultimate for which you strive. I was no different. I wanted to be the best and win the appreciation, understanding, affection and respect of my new family and left no stone unturned to achieve my goal. I learnt the hard way that you may turn as many stones as you wish, but changing yourself does NOT get you any of these things automatically. Such things happen only in Bollywood (or any) movies and soppy books as also the regressive K –serials.
You may come across one odd instance of a sacrifice or change on someone’s part getting her instant respect or transforming her life for the better at her in-laws place or something of the sort. But believe me that is not the norm. The truth is, a man or family that cannot respect you as a human being first, is not going to respect you with any amount of sacrifice or change on your part. They have to accept you as you are and leave it to time to let you both find your levels not expect you to change overnight to fit into their scheme of things.
Mutual respect and acceptance as human beings comes first, not AFTER you have changed. I believe there is no reason to even change your religion to that of your spouse’s in case you are in a mixed-marriage (whatever that is!) and all that old lament of what religion will the children grow up in is nothing but bosh! It is up to the couple to decide or even fight over it. Not something to be used to force one of them to ‘change’ religions.
If you do the changing yourself bit even when you don’t want to, just to buy affection and respect, it only diminishes your own self confidence and lets others treat you like a rag cloth. And you bet they will treat you as one. If you don’t respect yourself, who is going to??
In the old order of things ‘me-time’ was an unheard of thing as far as a woman was concerned and I know that many in these times also aren’t aware of it. Even the time available after all work was done was not hers to call her own. Once while I was immersed in a book, for I am very fond of books and reading, AFTER all the work was done and everyone in the household was free I was sarcastically asked by the respected mother in law,
“Is this a library??”
It sure makes me laugh now at an age I myself am poised to take the step to be a mother-in-law myself and when I know what I can say in reply. But back then it didn’t seem funny, only made me feel miserable especially when I was categorically asked to close my book and had to sit staring into empty space in silence like the rest. It seemed and still does, unbelievable to me that I was really expected to give up such an innocuous hobby just to please the higher-ups and their unreasonable whims. There are countless others who are victims of such mindless actions, that seems to be aimed at just showing power.
When we give up our past, our friends, family, even our hobbies and likings for the present, we end up with zilch for the future. Why not, keep the past and the present, let them mingle and enrich you and thus walk into a glorious future?? People will tell you otherwise, especially Ekta Kapoor who single-handedly is trying to achieve the impossible of turning the clock back.
We have been conditioned for so long to believe it is the woman’s duty alone to change. So it is not easy for all to get out of that mindset. Luckily for me I have burning in me a spirit which could never be quelled (and to subdue and neutralize which many have tried in vain from the time I can remember). I guess there has always been a rebel in me. So when I realized the futility of all the ‘sacrifices’ and ‘quiet suffering’ which would look good only on celluloid or books, devoid of which the happily ever after ending cannot be achieved, I went back to being ‘this is moi’ and the take me as I am or leave me type. Of course it took decades for the transformation to occur not in the blink of an eye. And though that gets raised eye brows and whispers and gossip in return, who really cares?? The fresh air smells really good.
My conclusion:
I wouldn’t change anything… other than the change that occurs naturally in the course of time, when two people come together. That in reality is adapting to each other and finding an equilibrium… which is totally different from expecting the woman to transform into a different personality overnight!!
Shail's Nest 
I so agree with everything you’ve said here. Although I got married much later, quite recently in comparison, I still wanted to make my married life as smooth as possible, and to be honest, even tried to change things about myself which my in-laws were not happy with.. Innocuous things, things like reading, as you say.. But within days, my unhappiness and resentment grew and I decided that it was just not worth the trouble.. So now, I have set their expectations at levels which work. And all of us are much happier when I am myself rather than, someone, somebody else wants me to be..
Me: Being ourselves is the best thing. That’s the first step to happiness. All this talk of trying to merge with the family and the unnatural expectations of changing to fit in with the husband’s family is total crap. From what I have observed too, those who are themselves right from the beginning, don’t get the doormat treatment and after some initial sparks things settle down faster. The quietly suffering sati-savitris just suffer longer and strangely enough many of them turn out to be tyrants themselves when their time comes. So its better to be oneself on two counts. To save your sanity and also not to end up being a tyrant yourself..
Thanks Smitha.
Brilliant Shail!! Loved it.
A complete makeover from whatever or whoever you had been prior to that particular point of time, to merge with the new man in your life and his family, was what was expected of you. Your wings were suitably clipped to discourage flying and a string was tied to your leg so you never wandered far.
If there were exceptions, for there are always are, they were few and far between and any of the girls who were so lucky were looked at with envy by the rest.
Loved how you clearly you explained this! It’s so true and nobody even realises that it’s so outrageously unjust and even impossible.
I feel if a girl has to give up so much and get nothing (except err.. precious respect from some people she may or may not be able to respect) from a relationship, then why get married into a Joint Family at all?!
The whole concept of how a woman must give up for others – and then knowing no intelligent person will accept it, just ensure that she has no choice. We called this a civilised society!
Me: It is certainly outrageous and unjust. She has to give up her identity for a little bit of approval and affection and if she is lucky some respect. Not done at all. How can society go anywhere but backward when one half of its population is suffocating??! Cannot call such a society civilized. Thanks IHM. I took your suggestion and wrote the post 🙂
Great post Shail. I remember a few days before my wedding I developed ice-cold feet thanks to the well meaning advice of older, wiser (?) female relatives which went “marriage is all about adjustment….always the woman only has to adjust…you will have changed completely the next time we see you”. And thanks to all these “nuggets of wisdom” at first it really did seem so hard to fit in with the husband’s family and friends.
Like you the harder I tried the more unhappy I became, till one day the husband asked in his usual matter of fact way “Who the heck is asking you to do all this? Hmph!Don’t bother.I liked you the way you are and so will everyone.” I never realized that being myself could be so liberating! To be honest no one ever nagged me or compelled me to change, it was just that I thought it was expected of me.
It’s been more than a decade now and I have to admit I have changed, both of us have changed and these changes were not made to please anyone. They are the normal changes that all human beings undergo with time. Attitudes and perspectives change. But that’s about it. Losing your own identity to prop up someone else’s – majorly dumb idea!
Me: When both change in the course of time, its different isn’t it?? And these wise(?) know it all-s make me positively bristle with annoyance. Soon after my marriage, when my husband left for the border as part of his duty, some of these women who heard that he and I write to each other daily, would look me up and down coolly as you please with a mocking smile and say, “Ithokke puthumodi alle??” (all this is coz you are newly married). For twenty five years we have been writing to each other every single day except for the days we have spent together in one place. I wonder where those catty females are now.
Yep, its dumb to lose your own identity to prop up someone else’s. And I think the lessons should start in one’s own home. Instead except for a lucky few, it is the parents themselves who start inculcating the ‘lose your identity and merge’ lessons to their daughters. Thank you Dreamer
Ahem! Am I the first male to comment on this thoughtful blog? The question is…is it necessary to change or merge to be accepted in a family? If a girl is going into a family where the atmosphere is almost the same as her home she may not have to change at all (of course this does not prevent any ego clashes with the husband’s relations such as mother and/or sister). The main issue unfortunately is a power struggle. In most cases the husbands family feels that their authority and power is being challenged rightly or wrongly. In reality the girl is not even trying to do what she is accused of. Why does a mother feel threatened by a daughter in law is a mystery to me. So many mothers lament ” My son was such a good boy. He married this girl and he changed” (even if the girl is chosen by them). I think it is insecurity which breeds this antagonism and desire to dominate a newcomer. Of course as Shaila has said there are exceptions that go on to prove this rule.
Omg Shaila I have almost written a blog…very devious of you ..haha
Me: Of course one doesn’t have to change to be accepted as part of a family, but change seems to me to be considered the ‘ideal’ by society as such and expected from most all women after marriage. Marrying into a family with a similar atmosphere is no help either Vivek. An ordinary music lover ending up in a family with the tradition of classical music running in their veins is enough to set off problems, even though atmosphere of the families might be similar. Methinks the solution is accepting the differences and living a life of harmony or accommodating the wishes of both.
The main issue is indeed power struggle. Why a mother feels threatened by the DIL, like you say, chosen by her, is indeed a mystery and you have given me an idea for a blog!! 🙂
OMG Vivek, by any standards, this is a loooong comment from you! :O
Well said, Shail!!! Often, the challenge is not about adjusting to the guy, it’s about adjusting to the myriad other roles you take on….and the role media plays…honestly, I think a lot of girls grow up on this media-fed junk…the newly married girl who reforms the wayward younger brother, who becomes closer than a “real” sister to her sister-in-law…and of course, becomes the “daughter” who runs the house…..all utter nonsense! Fact of the matter is you cannot mutate into that “more-real-than-a-real” daughter/sister….you are what you are, the earlier both sides get used to it, the better!
Me: Media fed junk on which seems to thrive a good part of the society! They expect this superwoman of a bahu who does all that you mentioned and more. Such unrealistic expectations from someone so young while the older ones behave unreasonably! You said it girl, the earlier both the sides get used to ‘you are who/what you are, the better. Parents of daughters should play their role as well! Thanks for that sensible comment!
When something hot is added to something cold it only turns warm
to expect the cold to become hot and the hot,cold is a psyche that’ll harm.
Times are changing and we have more people who are willing to transform,
we need to be patient and let the winds of change become a deadly storm.
Think I don’t need smileys for this comment. :0
Me: lol @Think I don’t need smileys for this comment.
Hot and cold to make it lukewarm is what is expected 🙂 Waiting for the deadly storm.
yes, shail.. agree with you completely and so this comment isn’t going to much you can actually reply too!! But there are so many comflicting thoughts in my own mind tht sometime i get confused about wht i say i want and what i actually want and what i get are all the same!!
Gosh, am i making any sense!! 🙄 guess not!!
So just lemme put it this way… this is a brilliant post. 🙂
Me: Yes Sakhi, you made sense! 🙂 And thank you!
Hi Shail,
Mine is an arranged marriage and I suffered trying to fit in. The very folks I trusted and cared about hurt me. I finally found the courage to put an end to my misery. It is funny how folks who drag you through elaborate process (horoscope, bride seeing, engagement and marriage) once you enter their house start to change you. You are right most times it is the girl’s own family who begins that process and why then the in-laws would spare you? For the sake of pleasing the society every wrong is overlooked. It is not due to want of courage Shail that most times us women keep quiet. When one has been brought up with certain value system it becomes hard to fight the elders despite knowing too well that they are just screwing your happiness and interference will never stop unless you take the initiative. Your post made me cry. I will never ever forget the sarcastic remarks, rejections and public insults. Thanks for being the voice of so many like me. I had feared ending up in an asylum. Books, cooking, gardening and dancing, keeps me sane, though the hurt persists especially when painful memories cloud my thoughts…
Me: Welcome to my page Geetha. I only understand what you write too well. I agree we have been brought up a certain way that is why we keep quiet and take lot of b***s***. “For the sake of pleasing the society every wrong is overlooked” I agree wholeheartedly to this too. Indeed, why do people go to great lengths to ‘search’ for the right person for their son, match horoscopes and simper and smile at the wedding?? And how come when that is all over their attitude changes?? Then the girl becomes an unnecessary liability and their punching bag. And why do parents let this happen?? Is this why they brought up their daughter, to be given to a household to be insulted and humiliated??
The hurt never goes away! I can ‘see’ clearly the path you have been through. I am glad you stopped to write about what was in your heart.
Great post!
You have put this brilliantly..’When we give up our past, our friends, family, even our hobbies and likings for the present, we end up with zilch for the future. Why not, keep the past and the present, let them mingle and enrich you and thus walk into a glorious future??’ I think every girl needs to be taught this so that she does not venture into this business of changing…esp to please and gain respect.
My advice to my sisters ad close friends has always been…Be yourself! and sooner or later they also realized that this is the way to be.
Me: Welcome to my page Priya. Changing just to please and gain respect gets you nothing in return. You are right, being yourself, is always the best. Good advice to your sisters and friends!
Thank you.
Shail I had an arranged marriage and I was fortunate that I was not,in the slightest manner,made to feel that I had to change myself. My husband and parents-in-law,in turn made sure that I was comfortable and gelled well in my new home as soon as possible.
I remember how mom-in-law,who used to hate cooking,especially in the evenings would make mutton curry for dinner,a favorite dish of mine and wait for me to get back from work to surprise me. Oh how elated I used to be with that kind of a surprise after a hard day 🙂 ! When it was the season of mangoes,despite parents-in-law and R hating even the sight of them, pa-in-law used to go in search of the sweetest of mangoes and bring home just for me.
So when Mummy,a devout follower of Mata Amritanandamayi,expressed her desire to take me to Vallikavu,I agreed to go with her despite having my own reservations about ‘Amma’. I felt this was the least I could do for someone,who cared for my minutest likes. The look of sheer happiness when she showed me around the place and when she introduced me to her friends in the ashram was hard to miss,Shail. I was so glad I didnt let my rigid stance come in the way.
You know I used to be very shy and meek before marriage.But over the years I learnt to be more assertive and surer of myself. And I would give sole credit to my husband for making a stronger person today. He used to always push me into coming out my shell,to speaking my mind out.He still does that when he senses I’m pulling myself back in.
R,on the contrary used to be this detached,blunt to the point of being insensitive person before marriage and now over the years he has mellowed down a lot.He is much calmer and a lot more sensitive and tolerant.
So I believe any change,which is for the better and of course two-ways should be welcome.you cant expect only one person to accommodate.if the other person is as sensitive to your needs and likes,only then can a relationship work.
That is what love,for me,is-to make a better person out of each other.
I’m sorry to have used up so much of your space. Had so much to say!
Thank you so much for this brilliant post,Shail 🙂
Me: That was an excellent comment Deeps. I wish more people would read it to see how much happiness lies in growing. changing together, rather than making one person take the brunt. Life is about give and take which seems to be the case in your household. And yes, individual pluses and minuses rubs off on each other and makes us better persons. That is the way it should be. It is sad that there are people who still think the ‘great sacrificing bahu’ is the best species for their homes. What such households need are trained ‘zombies’ or robots not ordinary human beings!
Came over from Dreamer’s blog…
You have summed up the truth pretty well…. there is no use if one changes just to please others… they shall never be pleased and one will continue pleasing without any happiness for oneself…
as for me, I can relate more with Deeps..my MIL and FIL are caring persons… though I have an independant streak in me being an Aquarian, it was actually my Hubby who taught me to be assertive… we had our clash of personalities but I think it has helped us both in a positive manner and we may both have changed for the better over the years…
I think every girl should just be herself and also remember that none can please everyone….
Me: Welcome to my page Happy Kitten and I really love that name! Your last sentence sums it up excellently. Being oneself is the best and yes we better learn early on in life that we cannot please everyone. Parents MUST play a role in inculcating self-respect not making doormats out of their daughters before they marry them off. Thanks for dropping by.
There are some things I don’t fully get.. A woman goes to a man’s place to spend what could be the rest of her life.. to sort out things for a man.. and she’s the one has to sacrifice, to change and adapt. and the man just sits there and says “i didn’t do this before the marraiage, why should i do so now?” The woman didn’t do it as well you bloody rocket scientist.I mean the pampered little apple of her parents’ eyes comes over.. does the work.. while he sits and reads the paper.. She dresses more conservatively.. while he eyes all beings that move.. Change? Change should be from both ends…
Me: You ask them that Hrishi! The situation as I see it here is totally skewed. First the girl’s family gives dowry (shhh… not legally but everyone knows they do!) and then sends the girl off to the boy’s family (one wishes the girl’s family had more sense and gave her the money and set her up in a job rather than squandering it on a man and his family randomly chosen out of the blue on the basis of matching horoscopes!!! Sheesh can it get any worse??) and then she has to adjust make sacrifices and have a ‘wise’ head on her young shoulders and take things philosophically from the cranky older woman who is hell bent on making her life miserable because she is plain jealous of her role in her son’s life and then there is our hero, who watches all this and says, ‘love my mom as your own!’ and goes back to reading his newspaper or TV watching coz like you said that is what he did before he got married (how can he change??!!!) at that particular time each day!!! Will you call this an extreme case scenario?? I wouldn’t. I see it all around me even today. The best part is I see women taking it. Sad!
I really wish more people understood the way you do: CHANGE IS FROM BOTH SIDES!
I am here for the first time…through IHM. Nice post.Thought provoking.I feel that the change you are talking about is quite natural. Don’t forget the changes you go through from being a kid to a teenager, married, mother(father),MIL(FIL),granma(granpa)and so on.Its not that you change as an individual but as a person. Life is all about adjustments. Say you are a non-veg and the family you are being married into is totally veg, you may have to forgo eating non-veg at their place. Does this mean that you have lost your identity? Does a person who used to return home by 10pm comes back by 7pm after marriage lose his identity? We all change from time to time as per requirement because we want our family life to be intact and happy. Change as you said is constant and inevitable. So why should not we change for the betterment of our life at the same time keeping individual liberties intact. Apologies for the long comment.
Me: Welcome to my page Oldmonk. Looks like you have not read my conclusion. I have ready talked about the change that lets us ‘adapt and find equilibrium.’ and also about how the mingling of ‘past and present’ can lead to ‘a glorious future’.
I cannot equate a man returning home earlier after marriage or the changes of growth from a child to teenager, parent etc to an adult woman (DIL) being forced to stop doing something in her spare time just because the MIL feels she has to show off her power. ‘Quite natural’ is not how I would describe the changes so asked from a DIL, but as ‘dictatorship’ over her or plain masochism.
We all change from time to time as per requirement, definitely, BUT that change should not be because someone feels insecure and wants to test their power and for that reason alone oppresses the one easily available.
You find little boys by the roadside throwing stones at a sleeping dog and making it yelp in pain. We don’t call that ‘natural change’ even though we know many boys go through this stage. We scold the boys and tell them not to hurt the dog. The only difference is that in our society, when a MIL/husband’s family in effect does the same things, the DIL is advised to ‘adjust’ and is even supposed to accept it as ‘natural’ and for the ‘betterment of the family’!! Strange logic, I must say.
BTW my father is a pure vegetarian and my mother a non-vegetarian and we managed quite well, without any drama of anyone changing for the other. I cannot see a single justification in asking a person to change his/her preference in cuisine for the other, unless the person does so willingly and of their own accord.
Life is indeed about adjustments, for ALL concerned not the ‘skewed adjustment’ we see as of now, making one person (DIL) adjust to the rest (husband and his family) and that unfair change requested is the topic of this post.
Thank you for the comment.
I totally agree with you that the change should neither be forced upon nor should it happen out of a feeling of insecurity. Though this is a problem generally faced by women I know husbands going through such situations.
Me: The fact that many women as a rule face this situation without any eyebrows being raised, as if this is how life should be for them in itself makes it different from the one faced by a man. It does not mean some men aren’t facing the situation as well. (Well, its something like this. The backward classes need special help because they have gone through lot, been oppressed and never allowed to be educated etc etc. But that does not mean there are no poor and needy among the forward castes.)
The difference is when a man faces a similar situation others including women sympathize with him. Besides he does have the opportunity to walk out without facing stigma or ostracism from the society. In fact he can remarry as well without any problems. So, as far as I am concerned the situation faced by women is different and far worse. Unless women are taught self respect and self-reliance and are able to stand on their feet, they are left with no choices except suffering silently. lunatic asylum (like one of the commentators said above) or in extreme cases suicide when they face unfair situations where a whole family which is supposed to care for her turns against her.
Thank you for the comment.
Oru cheriaya doubt… Ithengane humoril file cheyyappettu? I can’t understand the humor in this post. Do you find humor in this discussion only after you are married??
But a stimulating thought (as always)!
Me: Enikkum oru cheriya doubt, how did this happen to be tagged ‘humor’!! *Answering Jithin’s question in all seriousness* No you won’t find any humor in this post even after marriage! 😛 So quit pestering your Mom to look for a girl for you to get married to (that’s in case you aren’t married and are a supporter of the variety of marriage that falls under the category ‘arranged’) 😀
Thank you!