Tags
Motherhood, as in bringing up children, is far behind me now. Both my sons are adults in their own right. But I will take time to look back and tell you what I thought fit to teach my children before letting them loose on the unsuspecting world, so to speak.
By the time I was at the threshold of motherhood, I came face-to-face with the scourge of them all as far as women are concerned, the institutionalized practice of women making life hell for other women. Until then it had been something I had heard of as happening to women far removed from my world, or seen as a tale unfolding on the screen in movie halls. But I found out the hard way that it was a stark reality and so widespread a practice that it had almost become an accepted part of married life. No one turned a hair when the young married woman was harassed, least of all her own parents, shame on them. Disadvantaged as she was, she was left to fend for herself as best as she could with not even the man she married willing to put in a word for her.
Tell me again, how an unhappy, discontented, frustrated, downtrodden, controlled, belittled woman can be of any use to society or to the yet-to-be born-children of hers? How can infantalised sons, frustrated and unhappy themselves, kept secure under the thumb of dominating mothers make good husbands, fathers, create happy homes for his children? What I saw around me seemed to be a an ongoing process. Mother controlling son and as if to get her own back the daughter-in-law, the next in line, falling into the same trap and doing the same thing in a couple of decades to her own son.
I decided I was going to break that pattern and give a future family the chance at a happy life, free of guilt-tripping by a possessive mother pulling strings, reining the son in at every step. Besides, where is the joy in bringing up yes-men?
Thus was born the first and most important lesson I wanted to teach my sons. Be your own persons, not mere extensions of the one who gave you birth. It was okay to speak up to mother and air differences. The umbilical cord is cut at birth for a reason. The truth is, even when inside a woman, a child is never her part, but a new life form using her body and the resources therein to grow to term. The moment the child is pushed out of her body it is a clear message to her that it has become a whole new being and has to be treated as such. But how many hear or heed that message, even in the present?
When you teach a child to be their own person, everything else pretty much falls into place without extra effort. They learn to think for themselves and make choices. They not only take decisions on their own but also take responsibility for those decisions instead of blaming those around, or the world, for their lapses. But you will have to be patient and wait for the difficult teen years to pass to see the results of your work manifest.
As for other lessons of life, like the values to uphold, I have relied more on being an example myself rather than getting down to teaching them as lessons. Children pick up things unknowingly, or with just a nudge, and that according to me is the best way to teach. At this point I have to admit that I failed miserably in one thing, and that’s in making them keep their rooms tidy for longer than ten minutes, and/or stick to a definite sleep schedule each day and surprisingly enough it was for these I yelled the most. You win some, you lose others.
Before I wind up let me just add one thing. Moms can definitely make the world a better place, but let’s not forget, so can Dads.
©Shail Mohan 2015
Written for the #MomsforaBetterWorld Project at Women’s Web.
McGuffy Ann said:
Important post. It isn’t always this easy, though. I can attest to that. There are so many factors in life, and in people. Children today are so influenced by peers, the Internet, media, and anyone who will meet their wants. Too often that is not healthy. A mother should give her child roots and wings. But that still does not guarantee they will use both. Sadly.
shail said:
True. I do agree with you . I have been a pretty strict parent where it was demanded of me. It definitely is not an easy job and I have had my share of pulling-hair-out days. 🙂
Being free-spirited myself, giving wings came easy. I am not so sure about the roots 🙂
Gulshan. said:
In addition to multi-tasking
A mum’s also multi-teaching
Through words and deeds
And healthy feeds
More often practicing than preaching!
shail said:
In a nutshell, er.. in a limerick I mean! 🙂
Sandhya Kumar said:
I agree with you here, Shail! Single mothers mostly control their sons more than the normal ones, I have noticed. Sons also have the protective feeling more here. My sons seem to be independent. They should get married and start having their own family and then we will know whether we have brought them up properly…we should give margin for their own nature before judging them, isn’t it?
I love the way you write ‘to the point’ always. I start writing big long ‘ramayanas’!!!
shail said:
Sandhya, I once believed this too, as it was constantly repeated by those around me, but I no longer do. Women living with their husbands are equally bad in controlling and dominating sons.
Hmm.. who is being judged here? I didn’t get that. Aren’t we talking of what we want to teach our children?
J1289 said:
Agreed,
Allowing children to be their own person is a must. I find you tend to learn about life better when you make decisions, make mistakes and learn from them. You also learn things better when you are alone and experiencing life yourself. Parents should be there to give advice when needed and help them to achieve independence, not control them or become overprotective of them. However, I do agree that parents need to be strict in the sense that their children do not go on an unwanted path (like doing drugs, becoming a criminal, or rapist) and make sure they become good people with good hearts who can make hearty contributions to the world. Unfortunately, this is never the case almost. I think the world is going down to control and power where mutual respect is diminishing, and it is mutual respect that is needed to make the world a better place.
shail said:
i don’t believe the world is getting any worse than it already was 🙂 In the past, control rested in the hands of the senior-most, usually a male, and everyone else had to obey him. In the present family has a more democratic structure. I’d say mutual respect is more in now than it ever was in the past.
Parents can only give the right lessons when the children are young. The path they finally choose depends on them, and them alone.
tikulicious said:
As always very well written Shail. I totally agree with you. Children are not our extension and should not be treated as one. It is very essential for one’s own growth and that of the life we bring into this world to respect each other’s identity. I know of children who tend to cling and demand too. Restricting the freedom of the parents esp mother. Important lesson in life isto let each other be above the relationship status.
Deeps said:
Ah, what a worthy lesson to teach your kids- be your own persons. Loved every word you said revolving around this one lesson, Shail. I hope to teach the same to mine too. I look up to you, always 🙂
And yes, hugs to you! Cant imagine how restrictive you must have felt when you couldn’t find the support and space you needed, in your elders. So glad that you didn’t fall prey to those restrictions, and chose to bring your sons up in your own independent way. Kudos!
Nandana said:
Lovely post. I loved the last line 🙂
I couldn’t agree more. The moment a baby pops out. It has already become its own person. Conditioning it to be like parents and thwarting attempts at self-growth is just plain wrong. I always say “what is the fun in life, if we are all going to be like our parents. Also, that wasn’t the point of evolution either. “
Virginia Nygard said:
As a former teacher, I couldn’t agree more. Good for you! I was a ‘mother’ as well as teacher for so many children of physically or emotionally absent parents.
D K Powell said:
Well said!
UmaS said:
Finally got to reading this Shail 🙂
As usual…the punches were gentle yet firm – the words I mean 😉
Totally believe in the fact that we need to treat them as individuals and not as extensions of us…
The last line takes the crown – yes Dads can make a difference too in the lives of children and it need not be a mother’s job alone !!
Awesome post and you truly deserve the win 😀
shail said:
Thank you, Uma. Love your comment, especially the mention of ‘gentle but firm punches’ 😀
UmaS said:
You do that in every post 😀 😀