Some years back I came across a woman who had lost her husband quite early on in life. Her children were still young at the time of her husband’s death and she had to face considerable difficulty in bringing them up by herself.
One would expect such a person to be more understanding about the plight of those placed in similar situations, right? Not she. Each time a story of a struggling widowed mother was told in her hearing she was dismissive about it and stated disdainfully, “I have no sympathy for such as them!”
The first time I heard it (and all the subsequent times too) it shocked and saddened me. Here I was, someone who had not even faced such a calamity, but who could still empathize with, and appreciate the efforts of the widowed mothers struggling to bring up their children, also willing to extend help, while she who knew what it meant to not have any such help, was being so heartless.
By and and by as I moved on in life, I realized, the fact that one had suffered in life did not automatically translate to empathy for the the plight of others similarly placed. At the same time, being lucky in life did not mean lack of empathy, contrary to the impressions of the general public.
©Shail Mohan 2015
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Shail's Nest 
Situations and circumstances shape us to a certain extent
But basically, ’tis one’s heart’s content
That will sympathize
Or antagonize
Opinions and attitudes with respective intent!
Yes, I tend to agree with that.
Am intrigued… would want to know what went on in her head and why she said out loud that she had no sympathy for them?
The first time I heard it was from one of her children who said, “I don’t have any sympathy for those who have grown up without a father. After all I grew up without one!” To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Then I met the mother and heard her, and realized where the children got it from.
Yes, I am intrigued as well.
Hardened by hardships? Or is it to tell the world we don’t want anyone’s sympathy and pity so we won’t be a part of anyone else’s pity party…. I can only guess!
One would expect them to reject sympathy, but why the dismissal of those in the same boat as them? No idea. Your guess is as good as mine.
true that!
I am not sure if I relate with you Shail in this one.
From where I see it. she might have want to see it as part of life and everybody has their own share of of not so nice things. She had her own and embraced and lived with it and subsequently she might have applied same logic in other case to.
If she does not look for sympathy for her own ( due to the reasons you mentioned, i.e. loosing her partner etc.) why would she extend same to other?
First of all. This post is not about her, but about empathy, whether those who have suffered feel more of empathy than those who have not gone through the same problems.
Second: Of course she can live her life as she wishes, with no sympathy or empathy towards anyone. There are millions like her out there. But it shocks me all the same that someone who has seen a hard life says, “I have no sympathy for such as them!” yes, there are people like us too, like there are those like her.
Third, there is no question of her extending sympathy to others, nobody asked for it, nobody wanted anything from her. It was her way of dismissing the troubles of others that was the problem.
And from that comes my fourth point. I don’t know what gave you the idea that she did not look for sympathy for herself. Isn’t the fact that she thought other’s troubles not big as her own proof enough that she craved all the sympathy and empathy for herself, even though I may not have mentioned it in so many words?! (because I had to say it all in 8 sentences only!)
I think I did not say my point as clear as it should be. let me try again.
You felt shocked because you expected her to show empathy
Definition of empathy and deserving candidate can be different for different people.
P.S. Forgive me for assuming she does not empathy for herself.
Empathy means the ability to share/understand another person’s feelings. And ‘deserving’ is being worthy of being treated a particular way. You are confusing both. This is about empathy.
It does not make sense to me in situations like these why empathy can’t be given, especially if the person with no empathy has gone through the same exact thing. You would think seeing someone else going through the same exact thing as you have would allow you to relate and thus form a internal connection. However it’s kind of funny because if you show no empathy towards the person who has gone a tragic situation like you have, it’s like indicating that you yourself don’t deserve empathy. I personally believe people who are widowed, especially with young children really deserve empathy. Losing a spouse early can really damage you and plus your children will grow up without a father, and it will be hard on them as much.
Just my two cents.
I agree. it does not make sense other than the fact that maybe some people just don’t feel for others.
I do think some people struggle to relate their own feelings and situation to those of others. I wonder if she felt she had no sympathy from others, and that she’d had to struggle and found it hard but never complained, so maybe doesn’t think others should get sympathy? An odd way to think, I know!
I do agree with you though – that you don’t have to have direct experience of something to show empathy or understanding. Just the willingness to try to understand.
She complained alright and never let anyone around forget how she had suffered ‘so very much’ to bring up her children as long as she lived. Yes, I found her thinking odd, alright. 🙂