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This is a translation of a post (in Malayalam) by Firefly. Thank you Firefly for the permission to translate and post it at Shail’s Nest.

Advice is something that anyone, any time they feel like it can dole out free of cost. Some people might of course want to be paid for the trouble. But what one usually finds written on blogs fall under the ‘free’ category. So here is one of a similar kind.

It is being widely touted that sexual harassment against women is on the rise in our land. Is there something we can possibly do about it? Yes of course. And what would that be?? What else but give out some of that free advice? But please take note of this fact, the advice is not for the boys, it is only for the girls. Okay?! After all, aren’t they the ones who have something to lose, namely, their much valued chastity? So let me start by outlining probable sexual harassment scenarios followed by ways of avoiding them. Here I go. Now pay close attention, will ya??

1. Men grope and rape women after watching skimpily clad women cavorting on TV.

So from now on girls should not watch television at all.

2. Girls who travel all alone are the ones who land in trouble.

Girls should not travel by themselves. Now, if at all they are arrogant enough to do so, when night falls, don’t you dare move from the spot you are standing. Wherever you have reached, stand immovable like a rock on that very spot. Apart from that, the Government should be requested to soon implement the One Bodyguard Per Woman Policy at the earliest.

3. Girls get into trouble because they do not know the psychology of men.

Girls should immediately start reading and learning by rote, the book ‘Man- a Psychological Study’. Once you have studied the book, no man will ever get close to you. Instead they’d run away in fear.

4. Girls wearing jeans and other modern dresses give out signals of ‘molest me’.

Girls who are particular that they wear such dresses, do not forget to hang a notice around your necks proclaiming, “I don’t want to be raped”.

5. It is all because of the obscene dressing sense of the girls that boys (Poor things, they are in reality extra decent; but if girls try to seduce them, what can they possibly do??) end up doing what they shouldn’t.

Not a single girl should be seen on the streets without a purdah. Is that understood?? (The solution given above is hereby cancelled)

6. Mostly molestation happens from people who the girls are already familiar with.

Girls should never meet or get familiar with anyone. They should always keep to themselves.

7. Sometimes it is strangers who molest girls.

Ohhh is that so??!! In that case, girls should meet all the 110 crore people of India and get to know them. All problems will be solved. (Point number 6 stands cancelled)

8. Most harassment happens outside the home.

Girls should not get out of their homes. In fact they should not be allowed out on to the verandah even. If girls express the desire to study or have a career, in the manner of Balan K Nair of old Mallu movies, roar ‘Kheri podi akathu’ (To know what it means click here). If that does not work, heat a rod and beat the shit out of them, then lock them up. Ha! Not even a drop of water will be given you. Problem solved.

9. Many times, harassment happens inside homes.

It is strongly recommended that the Government build safe sanctuaries for girls. It should be ensured that all girl children are immediately transferred to such sanctuaries as soon as they are born. To make sure that girls as young as one day old as also feet-in-the-grave grandmothers are ensconced in such centres a new department itself should be formed. Our mothers, sisters, daughters, wives et all can be safe-guarded only in this manner. Women please co-operate!

10. Flesh trade exists wherever women are.

OMG. That means even  sanctuaries for women aren’t going to work either!! Now what??! Hmmm…

Listen ye Mothers, Sisters, Wives and Daughters! Under the circumstances, you all canNOT live peacefully in any corner of the world. Wherever you live, you will be sexually molested. No, you must not let that happen. You should not let the purity of Indian womanhood to be sullied. You all know don’t you, that your chastity is the only wealth you possess?! Your hard earned education, job and even your little ones mean nothing before your honor or that of your family. So go forth and commit suicide en-masse.

This will have some other benefits too. Though you women are not counted as humans, your numbers are included in the population of this country. Imagine, when you are no more, the population will reduce itself by half. As a result, we will see the last of the country’s economic problems. With you all gone, there will be no reason for dowry and the practice will die a natural death. But most significant of all, we will be filled with pride thinking about you women who have taken your lives for the sake of honor. Elegies will be written for you and monuments erected in honor of martyrs such as you. Wouldn’t all that be more than enough to make you blissfully happy, watching us from above??  There is no joy over and above our happiness and comfort for you all. Is there??

This post, though satirical, touched a chord, especially after reading/hearing lots of views expressing (in recent times too), the view that girls and women are responsible for the way men behave. In the original post by Firefly here, there is a comment which says, the easiest (and hence one that should be favored above all else) solution to stop sexual harassment of women is their covering themselves. Short of hitting the guy who said that (and more, quite an “interesting” thread) over the head I can think of no way to put some sense into him or any of his ilk.

You can take a horse to the water, goes a saying, but you cannot make it drink. You can show statistics and throw examples at such people by the millions that shows they are wrong, but like the proverbial Mallu guy Sankaran, who always is back on the coconut tree however much you try to make him stay put on the ground, they would also go back to their zombie like existence of repeating baseless conclusions over and over so that it is established in more number of heads as undisputed truth. How do you reason with people who have already made up their minds?? How do you reason with people who disregard facts staring them in the face?? How do you convince mere spectators/perpetrators who brush aside the experiences of millions of those who have faced harassment, the victims?? Isn’t it the same old story?? The victims are disbelieved and baseless theories by spectators/perpetrators and their cohorts propagated.

This above is a satirical post. But with my experience with the supposedly educated but thick-skulled, I am disheartened enough to secretly wonder, if this is indeed the only solution to drive home the point.