I know there are people who would swear by the fact that I was born crazy and others who would disagree with it on grounds that the craziness is wholly acquired, nothing to do with heredity at all. Either way it must be true that I am, for who else spends valuable time to regularly check the cache of spam?! Akismet, the successor to the very bad Bad Behavior ever so efficiently catches them for me, with the cyber equivalent of the fishing net, and I dutifully present myself each morning for my daily dose of giggles at the expense of the spammers.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the regular comments just as much, if not more, whether from friend or foe. There also are some overzealous types, one of who was quick to condemn a story of mine as following the imperialist path (Whatever is that??!), all because white and black figured prominently in that allegorical tale, which colors, true to form, and without any originality whatsoever on my part, were meant to convey good and bad respectively. The man felt that by doing so I was belittling people of darker shade by depicting them in a negative light in a country that has always admired (WHAT??) ‘shyama‘ (dark) varna (color). Excuse me for being skeptical, but when, where and how are our countrymen actually appreciating shyama varna in real life??!
What amazed me on the occasion and also had me shaking my head in disbelief was the person’s obvious effrontery. Imagine someone belonging to a country obsessed with procuring fairest of progeny, for the purpose of which they unabashedly advertise for fairer damsels to bear and birth them, someone from a country that puts Contented Cheshire Cat grins on some faces, by cheerfully contributing from their hard earned money to the coffers of makers of fairness creams, someone who probably lathers his face (this is pure conjecture of course) with said fairness cream on a daily basis should choose to accuse me (Me!!!!!!!!) for a symbolic reference in a story when he could as well have utilized the time fruitfully educating the fairness-deifying junta?!
Much as I hate to sound the Pompous Know-it-all, I cannot help but point out something that seems to have escaped the attention of the person, which by the way is obvious to the meanest intelligence. Rummy as it may seem to you dear man, days and nights were already in existence ages and ages ago, before I was ever born. I really and truly had no hand in their creation. Besides which, the early humans, when they attributed evil qualities to darkness and equated dawn of day and light with goodness, they failed to consult me (Of course they were handicapped by the fact that I wasn’t as yet born). So how can you blame me for what the colors mean to the populace, including to myself?! Literature (especially from our ‘glorious’ past) practically bristles with allusions and incidents, where evil is always dark (don’t tell me asuras or demons were depicted as fair chaps?!) while white denotes purity and goodness.
All this nit-picking (for there was more) is enough to make any a sensitive blogger dissolve into tears at the least, and have a nervous breakdown at the most. But I being I, (not that I can be you, he, she, it or anything other than I of course) did neither. Having as yet (sadly so) not mastered the art of raising a single brow, an art which I still gawk at with girlish glee of admiration, I simply raised both mine in unison on reading the comment, said ‘Oh really?!” to myself, bunged it into the cyber dustbin and moved on to the next interesting one. You see, I am allergic to people who think West is the root of all evil and everything ‘past’ and Indian is just too wonderful for words. Gawd, give me a break.
Leaving the overzealous and the jump-to-conclusion types behind and coming back to spammers, Ahhh, I say, what would I do without them! They brighten up my drab days and put a smile on my face by their diligence in regularly popping by to fill my spam folder. They sometimes even put dirt on my dress, as I end up rolling on the floor helplessly with laughter. Remember how one of them wanted to know where he could find a toothbrush?? (Click here if you want to know)
Of course there are those who very boringly and with total lack of originality post links, and more links, and slink away into the unknown. Paupers, with no ideas fit to entertain. Sheesh. I don’t pay much attention to this lot. Then there are those who want you to check out things like evening gowns, handbags and the like, their messages always stressing the word cheap. The impudence, suggesting that I’d want only cheap things. Grrr….
Recently there has been a surge of spam trying to get me interested in wedding dresses. Why wedding dresses, I thought. I am well past ‘marriageable’ age and considering my personal views on marriage, they are the last people who should be spamming me. Errrr…. Had they come to know that I have a son of ‘marriageable’ age perhaps? Relax guys, I’ll let you know when the time comes. It is too early to be looking for wedding dresses right now.
Inevitably there are those who want you to watch interesting sights at sites whose subject matter I do not want to mention here for fear of being bombarded with more of them. But then with a world obsessed with the one thing that they (the world at large) do not seem to have enough of, what else can be expected, is my philosophy. But these and others are minor players in the spamming field when compared to certain others.
The larger chunk is taken up by this persistent group who offer unasked for advice to enlarge non-existent body parts. To read them one would think they believe Earth to be one glorious Planet of Males with size issues. Hello Ignoramuses! We women share the planet too you know. Though we do have body parts that can do with a bit of re-sizing (and both ways, mind you), they are NOT what you think they are. Besides which, and here I believe I speak for my sisters as well, however much you bombard us with tempting offers, try to entice us with visions of unbelievable ecstasy, we politely decline to grow anything new, leave alone consent to enlarge it. Very inconvenient, you see. So thank you, but no, thanks.
The one who got my wholehearted attention recently was dear Jarvis. Of course I do not know Jarvis from Adam and I am sure he does not know me from Eve. But dear Jarvis for some reason has it in for the Lord & Master. Sinister the way Jarvis suggested to me in his comment, “Spy on your Spouse!” He went on to outline how I could go about doing it with ease with the L&M none the wiser. You poor man you Jarvis, you are speaking through your bally hat, if you wear one. I don’t know who you think my spouse is that you want me to spy on him. I appreciate your misplaced concern for a stranger like me, but I assure you, it is wholly unnecessary. But errrrr… if you aren’t too careful about it, dear Jarvis, you are the one who will be spied upon, and sure as not dear Jarvis, the episode rather than ending on an all’s well that end’s well note will do so with a broken jaw…. yours, dear Jarvis. So you better scoot when you still have the chance, dear Jarvis.
Pssst! For those humor challenged ones, yes, this is supposed to be funny. Don’t take things too seriously and also try and laugh after reading it. 😉
A related post:
I also get links to movies that make me go pop eyed. When I was young, I may have been tempted to emulate the acrobatics these double jointed ladies and gentlemen perform, but not now.
Poor Jarvis 😀
Lol @double jointed acrobatics. Yeah poor Jarvis is gonna have a broken jaw if he goes around advocating people to spy on their spouse! 😉
I still remember you story about how your L & M broke a coconut on your head at Guruvayoor…or is it vice versa?!
You have got great sense of humour and Jarvis should know that!
OMG OMG OMG Sandhya!!! Do you think I would be here at all having this conversation with you if the L & M had banged a coconut on my head??! :O The six footer who used to box??! Of course it happened ‘vice versa’ and at the Pazhavangadi temple 😉
Lol, I wish Jarvis would come back and read this! 😉
ha ha ha….next time, I’ll remember to read them all…I’ve missed out on so much humor from my spammers… 🙂 🙂
LOL @ Jarvis !!!
You must read them Uma, it is sheer fun! 😉
Oh my my
Jarvis please tell me why
she should spy
on a guy
who can’t hurt a fly.
🙂 Am I being too kind?
Too kind to??
Ahem, I guess he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but he would certainly kill a spider for me! 😉 😀
G Vishwanath said:
Enjoyed reading this.
Will comment later and include some of my experiences with spammers.
ROLL OVER THE FLOOR material. Literally.
Damn! You always get me into trouble with my boss. He now has a weak idea of blogs and blogging, but doesnt understand why i do it at work 😀
And this is total Wodehouse. I wanted to be Wodehouse; I, I, I. Damn! 😀
Glad you enjoyed it 😀 Sorry about your boss though 😉
And of course, Wodehouse rocks! 😀
LOL 🙂 I also enjoy going through spam 🙂
One interesting spam message, the same message posted frequently, is the one that wants to thank me for ‘this is very useful information for me, I am researching on the subject and this well written post has been extremely helpful’ and the post that is so useful for this ‘research’ is a blog post about ‘The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post’. What could this spammer be researching on?
I get this message too and sometimes it is on the Foto Friday picture! Rotflol.
LOL!!! Good use of trash…
Appreciation of Shyama Varna LOL!! maybe he belongs to the company that makes Fair and Lovely cream…of course they would appreciate Shyama Varna for all the money in their coffers.
My spammers are a confused lot when it comes to Enlargement issues. They send me stuff for parts I have and parts non-existent.
Wedding Dresses? Think they thought you were the Middletons?
LOL!! Please, Please, Pretty Please, May I be part of the jaw-breaking squad if you find Jarvis?
Now how could I have missed that!!! Rashmi you are a genius. Of course, those who appreciate ‘shyama varna’ the most are the makers of fairness creams!!
The spammers are a confused lot when it comes to who should enlarge what!
Of course you can join the jaw-breaking squad. What fun! 😉
G Vishwanath said:
I was in a hurry the last time I read this post and had promised to comment later.
Here I am again.
Thanks for a hilarious piece.
I can empathise.
My Yahoo mail In box receives it’s due share of spam mail.
Inspite of filters, folders and sorting rules, there are some spammers who give the slip and somehow sneak into my Inbox. I dare not empty the box without looking at the subject, as some genuine mails too somehow find their way to my Spam folder.
The Viagra spammers and the Nigerian Mails are easy to filter out. Even without any effort from my side , Yahoo does a good job of sweeping them into my spam folder.
Some years ago, I was inundated with mails from a persistent spammer who I shall call Sivraj, instead of Jarvis.
He was peddling a wonder cream that would add length to to a particular unmentionable but easily guessable part of the male anatomy.
After ignoring it several times, one day, just for a lark, I responded and told the spammer I was satisfied with the linear dimensions of this particular part of my anatomy about which he was so concerned.
I assured him that the biological functions for which this part had been designed have all been completed and at my age, I no longer needed or cared for an increment.
But I could do with a couple of extra inches to my height and would welcome an opportunity to get a little taller.
I inquired if the same cream that worked wonders in the horizontal direction would be equally effective in the vertical direction if I applied it on my pate and under the soles of my feet. Would this increase my height?
I have always wanted to be as tall (and as rich as) Amitabh Bachan.
I haven’t heard from Sivraj since.
Hahaha! You had me laughing with your comment GV! Sivraj has probably gone to try out some of the stuff on his head and soles before getting back to you! 😆
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Oh Gosh!! “Shyama Varna” indeed!! LOL!!
*wiping tears off my cheeks*
Great humour Shail….loved the Wodehouse touch 😉
BTW, I once got a search string on my blog that went like , “because the desire to be a servant had been bred into me: hammered into my skull, nail after nail, and poured into my blood, the way sewage and industrial poison are poured into mother ganga.”
I swear, try as I might, couldn’t understand how this person landed on MY blog with this string 😐 !!
Anyhow, keep the humour coming 🙂
Lol, that is one odd search!! Glad to have you laughing Noor. As for ‘shyama varna’ I tend to go with Rashmi’s suggestion. 🙂 Hugs back 🙂
“The larger chunk is taken up by this persistent group who offer unasked for advice to enlarge non-existent body parts”
LOL!! 😀 😀 You are not crazy. I too go through my spam but only to check in case any valid comment has been marked spam by mistake.
I have recently been inundated with spam regarding pay day loans (I’m retired, so I don’t have a pay day anymore) and from a “pharma” site hawking coronavirus cures.
Thanks for stopping by and reading this really long post 🙂
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