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The place was the Thalasseri railway station and the time 8 p.m. The train to Kasargode had just arrived. A mother hurriedly boarded the train, intent on finding the berths allotted so as to get her brood settled for the overnight journey. She walked ahead clutching the youngest one’s hand looking for the right number in the dim light, while the two older children hastened after her, carrying their own bags, trying their best to keep up.
In the darkened confines of the compartment, illuminated only by a sickly yellow bulb, the hand of a young man walking in the opposite direction shot out towards he chest of the eldest one, feeling her, before he quickly got off the train and vanished into the night. For the shocked girl, all of 13 years, it was her first direct introduction to the phenomenon called groping, a hobby indulged in by a sub-sect of homo-sapiens called by the mild name of eve-teasers by an over-indulgent society. That night as she cried herself to sleep, she learnt of one more thing she had to adjust to in life for the simple crime of having been born with two sets of X chromosomes.
Adjust, they tell us from the moment we are born, if we are lucky and get past that amniocentesis that reveals our sex. As life unfolds, we learn just to what extent this adjustment goes. It is not the normal adjustments like: I don’t have coffee. Will you adjust with drinking tea today?? I have not had work for the past week. Will you adjust with one meal a day till I find a job?? The roof is cracked. Will you adjust with the wet room?? So on and so forth…
Unfortunately, the adjustments women have to make go much deeper. It is all about control. We have to adjust to being controlled. Period. No looking here. No going there. No wearing this. No talking loud. No speaking to boys. No standing there, no sitting here. Do this, don’t do that. Eat this, don’t eat that. You get the idea, I don’t have to elaborate. Adjust to the control of our life and everything connected with it, is what is expected from us.
On top of all this is the adjustment of having to live with sexual harassment as an unavoidable part of our life. Even the best of men who are supportive and sympathetic to women and their causes have absolutely no idea what it is to lead such a life. How and why is it that society expects its females to adjust to the existence of such human beasts among us?? Why does society and its exalted members supposedly so concerned with protecting the females of the species, not isolate the afflicted and cleanse itself of such a disease?? Whose benefit does society have in mind by dragging its collective feet??
They expect (all else but their own) women to adjust to the situation, and save ourselves. The onus is of course on us for the unaccaptable behavior of such slime. Is it because the men are all in it together?? This is a question that haunts the thirteen year old who still remembers the lustful leer in the eyes of some of those who were mere onlookers that day, witnesses to the scene in the train. Where was sympathy for her plight?? The unholy glint only told the tale of a vicarious enjoyment at her plight, making her skin crawl in remembrance to this day. Adjust. It reminds her of the story of the Highest Expectation of Adjustment enacted in a court of a long gone era, when a wife was pawned by her husbands, stripped by her brothers-in-law, while elders, family members and others watched (in suppressed glee??) supposedly helpless, hiding behind some stupid reason for letting it all happen and for not coming to her aid. Had there been a similar glint in the eyes of the watchers too, she wonders.
Here is another. A nineteen year old was trying to get off a crowded bus. It is true that the bus was jam packed. In spite of knowing that the girl wanted to get down at that particular bus-stop, the men refused to budge an inch. They didn’t even make a pretence of making way, instead they stood even closer together. After repeated entreaties, with bowed head, got no results, the surprised girl looked up, only to find them leering at her in a meaningful way. Disgusted, she roughly pushed her way through, unmindful of their bodies purposely pushing against her. This is a perfect case of total strangers forming a cohesive group to get some cheap thrills. Opportunity had knocked and the respectable citizens of society, who would otherwise have condemned eve-teasing most vehemently, had risen to the occasion as one. Why not, if they could get away with it?!!
Years back, as students and hostelers of a well known city college, some of us were forced by the nuns to make up the audience of a poorly attended function, Boring speech after boring speech followed as the girls sat in the auditorium inside the college premises. Since the function was open to the public, a few of the boys from the nearby (notorious) Law College hostel barged in, making good use of the opportunity to do some ‘girl-watching’. Word spread (even in the absence of cell phones), and more of the boys started trooping in. A couple of friends and I, got bored listening to the speeches and slipped off back to the hostel without the nuns noticing. Those who remained had a horror tale to tell on their return, which made us thank our lucky stars for disobeying the nuns.
When the speeches were over and the audience had dispersed, the men students from the Law College lined either side of the narrow corridor with malicious intent. They manhandled (and worse) the girl students as they walked past. The girls screamed, ran back to the auditorium for help, only to be sent back by the nuns. Don’t make a noise child. Their complaints were brushed aside and they were told to be on their way. The boys had a field day feeling and touching the girls and worse. They did so with loud laughter and cheers, egging each other on. What could the girls do?? Adjust.
I still remember the unbearable and intense feeling of anger on hearing what friends had to say. Why?? Why should we of the female gender go through this sort adjustment?? Apart from the fact that our supposed caretakers failed to protect, they had the audacity to shout at the girls to keep quiet, as if the girls were unnecessarily making a fuss. What makes parents, teachers and other elders scold the girls/women when they are the victims?? In situations that the elders cannot help, isn’t showing synmpathy, the least that they can do?? If things are inconvenient for the society/elders, just pretend nothing happened and reprimand the victims. Is that it?? Adjust.
I sometimes wonder at the other gender. What goes through their mind (apart from the obvious) when they grab and feel us at their leisure and discretion, that is supposing they have a mind at all?? Are they so blind and unfeeling (they must be, of course) as to be unable to see that we are humans too?? Each man wants his mother, sister, wife, daughter and girl friend to be protected from sexual harassment. The rest are ‘game’. If you object to harassment, some have the audacity to laugh along with the perpetrator and tell you condescendingly to not make a big issue of nothing. Adjust. Where and how did they get the idea that it is alright to treat girls/women thus?? Isn’t it the same society that asks us to adjust that gives the scum its tacit approval to harass??
How about those men making some adjustments themselves like not letting their wandering hand or other protruding body parts peculiar to their anatomy from brushing a female form standing near by?? Instead of expecting women to adjust and co-exist with such vermin, how about some teaching centers coming up, where they can be taught what they can do to themselves when they feel the urge to rub against women in buses and public places or anywhere for that matter?? Everyone has to make adjustments, you know.
How about giving a public platform and a mike to those who think calling out the names of body parts is a great sport?? They can then be asked to shout out loud whatever they want to say while the audience claps and encourages them openly. Instead of the tacit support they seem to have from society right now, let us all acknowledge them openly for their achievement of knowing so thoroughly, a limited portion of the human anatomy, and be suitably awed by the display of their biggest talent, that of knowing the names of the relevant body parts of a woman/man.
If I were given a boon, I’d wish for such pests to be turned to women (with their memory of their previous form intact) for a day, and that they are grabbed, poked, groped and touched as if they don’t own their body, yeah, just for one single day. At the end of that day, when they are turned back to men, I am sure they will realize how great is the adjustment that women make sharing the space on this beautiful planet with such scum as them.
Written for the Women’s Web Great Adjustment Story contest.
I preferred to write on a different sort of adjustment.
Here are 3 Adjustment Stories of another genre.
Loved it, Shail. Sadly, most often women are made to feel like they are the culprits instead of the victims. I like your wish to transform every abuser/eve-teaser into a woman for a single day!! Will teach them a lesson or two, for sure. All the best for the contest.
@Writerzblock,
Yeah, it is always the woman’s fault and by saying that, what we call society is granting license for sexual harassment.
Thank you. 🙂
Yes, I cannot agree more with you on this! Shail, you have superbly enumerated the pain and anguish in living such a life of ‘adjustment’! A simple walk to the station to catch a train to college was an ordeal. Dadar is full of these scum bags and everyday was a battle to reach college unscathed. I used to carry a ‘divider’ from my geometry compass box in my pocket, to poke a lesson back if some ******* tried to grope me! 😦
May all eve-teasers be washed off the face of this earth this new year 2011..:) SIGH!
@Vibhuti B,
No one thinks why we are forced to resort to carrying a ‘divider’ and such. We used to carry safety pins to movie theaters to discourage these slime from over flowing on to our seats in case they were sitting nearby. I myself have used it effectively on one such. Nothing has changed much in all these years, has it??! 😦
I feel anger, complete anger even reading this blog post, at the helplessness that has been forced on us century after century, just because we are women. Why isn’t self defense class for women made mandatory? We need it so much!
@Phoenixritu,
I feel we need new ways of drilling information into a few heads, including women. If a chip could be implanted inside the heads of the men involved, that contains the info that women are humans too, perhaps we could make some progress. As for women, in any of these situations, you can bet your bottom dollar that half of them (at least) will criticize the girl, her dress or her way of carrying herself.
Anger, yes, that’s the predominant feeling.
You Said it! Maybe we can all wish for your boon to come true and mete out fitting punishment for such acts. Really heartfelt post and close to my heart!
@suchismita,
Thank you. Putting yourself in another shoe is not something possible for everyone. And trying to be in a woman’s shoe is next to impossible for the average man. So the only way seems to change them all to women for a day.
I agree Shail to what is written and pray to God for ur wish to come true….. also wish something really changes the so called minds (truly said.. if they have one) to really feel and understand what women goes through with such harrassment. Can never understand what pleasure they get from such acts….. actually u ask any men, they cannot answer this???
@Jayashree Kannan,
They cannot answer or they don’t want to answer??!! When one individual indulges in harassment, we can at least say he is sick, but what when men gang up?? Then it shows how sick the society is. And it is the same sick society which dictates and controls us. How can that work out for the betterment of women?? We will always be at the receiving end of such degrading acts.
Agree with every single word here.
There have been times when I have hit back, beaten him up, taken the guy to the police. And there have been times when I have suffered silently (when I didn’t know better). At all times, the witnesses were mute spectators or jeering onlookers that encouraged the act. And every single time, I have felt disgusted – at the molester, at the crowd and at the system. Its a shame.
I do not understand how lady conductors perform their duty.
Having said that, I know of many instances where men have been groped (by other men of course). Even there the victim is shamed and silenced. It is a sad society we live in that allows the attacker to live and emboldens him to repeat.
@A colorful story,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. Good for you that you hit back at at least some of them. I have had onlookers tell me, ‘Let it go sister. It’s no big deal’ Can you hear me grind my teeth?? It still angers me.
If a man were groped (by other men of course) NO ONE would blame him for it or say something similar. No one would ask how long or short his trousers were, if his shirt was unbuttoned, whether his attitude was inviting etc. Skewed world!
Agree
Must compliment – a very well written article. I just hope some of those horrendous eve teasers(so omnipresent in our society) read this and get an idea of what they are upto.
@dreamz2achieve,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you 🙂 I want the harassers and also other men to read this and understand our plight. Though many of them are not harassers, they tend to blame women for ‘inviting’ it upon herself.
And did you notice one thing?? Not a single man has commented yet. 🙂
Yes, we have had to adjust, there have been times I didnt and even that had a price to pay. A price for not putting up with nonsense. That didnt make any sense but that is the world we live in. For most purposes I like keeping Peace and Harmony, but every encounter with these monsters(directly or indirectly) were the times I wished Capital Punishment. Groping – cut both hands off. Learing – poke both eyes off. Verbal eve-teasing – Tongue cut off. Any inappropriate touching – 15 years Jail without Bail.. 2nd offence of the same kind – Death by Hanging after the victim is given a free hand to torture the person. Hoping for a New Year where such monsters become extinct, where Justice is not based on Gender, where Arya/Aryah is not a wishful thought.
@Rashmi,
I knew you could say it better. You are my twin 🙂
One of your best, Shail ! Not even a word wasted !!
@Krishnaleela,
Thank you Aswathy 🙂
Congrats on winning Shail. Feel nothing but pure anger just thinking of the topic. And felt it boiling up as I read your post. You are so right, the best of men don’t udnerstand. As bad as groping is, even just walking down a street having men leering and using their X=ray vision on us, and even just having to watch where our eyes go, because they think even eye contact means they have scored…it’s constant, constant adjustment, and every girl and woman is carrying so much rage because of it.
@starry eyed,
Thanks Starry. Anger is the pre-dominant feeling and yes, ‘every girl/woman is carrying so much of rage’ (as you said) due to this adjustment we have to make. It is epic failure on the part of society, not acknowledging this vast anger consuming one half of it, that definitely is detrimental to the other half and to the society as a whole.
You have portrayed all those unsettled emotions so well…Felt really happy to read the post..Happened to read in an old edition of a Malayalam magazine ‘Vanitha’ about a woman who caught a man by collar,while he groped her stomach, right in the middle of the road, and later handed him over to the police. She talks to the magazine that she has little public support when this happened and all of them who gathered around asked her to let the man go and not make this an issue. You need a great deal of energy to withstand this kind of a situation. I try to caught this instance to all when they talk about being eve teased or groped, in the hope that they (and me) get some kind of courage to react to these bloody so called eve-teasers
@Zaira,
I am so sorry for not having replied to this message for so long. How remiss of me. I simply don’t know how I missed it. My apologies one again.
I can well empathize with the woman in ‘Vanitha’. ‘Not make an issue’!! Is that all people can think of??!! I feel those who suggest that should also be put in jail for ‘aiding and abetting’ sexual harassment. Disgusting!
A school girl, of about 16, was going home in an auto when the the driver tried to kidnap her. Instead of stopping where she wanted him to, he sped away. The auto was forced to slow down at the Jagathy bridge because of a bus ahead and with great risk to herself, the girl jumped out of the auto. The auto driver was promptly caught by the policeman on duty at the bridge.
When the girl’s father went to the police station, this auto driver fell at his feet and said he had a family and three children, to please have mercy on him. Did the fellow think of his family and 3 children when he tried to kidnap the girl?? People suddenly become so concerned about the ‘family’ of criminals! Every criminal has a family and the crime anyone commits is not to be judged by ‘what would happen to his family’, ‘think of the bad name’ and such.
If this can happen when a child is kidnapped, just imagine what the public would do when it is a case of sexual harassment on roads, which the society seems to think is the lot in life of women which we should accept as part of life, as part of being woman. Ugh!! Not make this an issue indeed!! How the very phrase angers me.
BTW, welcome to Shail’s Nest. Hope you keep visiting. I promise not to be so late in replying to your comment! 😀
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This is a really frank post. I realised why I always walk with my hands crossed. Why I hate people coming too close to me. I’ve adjusted so much to the frontal assault technique that I feel comfortable with only side hugs – even from my kids.
@Careless Chronicles,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you for the comment. I know exactly what you mean. The rage I feel when I think some people can do this to half of the population and dismiss it with a mild term like ‘eve-teasing’!
Congrats on the win Shail! Well deserved!!
@Priya,
Thank you Priya. Am very late in doing that 😦
Very well written. I remember an incident some time back when My grandmother and I was travelling in a bus. The guy was groping my grandma from behind her seat(just imagine , these barbarians wont even leave grandmas) . Though she gave a few angry stares he wouldnt stop. She got up from her seat, turned around and hit him hard :).. Instead of appreciating what she did there were women in the bus who dint approve of it. I feel there is a need of a chip to be implanted in some women too.
@utopia,
Well I really cannot understand these women or how they have been so brainwashed that leave aside not helping someone in trouble, they go all out to show their disapproval of someone who dares stand up for herself!! Unbelievable!! Couldn’t they at least have looked the other way?? That would have been more respectable than disapproving. Retards! Of course, a new chip needs to be installed in their heads.
Wonderfully written, Shail! This mental conditioning in the name of ‘adjustment’ is very harmful indeed. It makes us incapable to recognize the true nature of harassment and more often than not, blame it on women for making it happen.
@vawawareness,
Thank you. Yes, recognizing takes a lot of effort.
(Can you please put the VAWAM badge on this post?)
@vawawareness,
Sure, thank you!
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A much needed post Shail! I happened to see a few episodes of a TV serial called Bhaskar Bhaarti – where a misogynist called Bhaskar is turned into a woman, Bharti.
And then what happens? Was it handled well?
Typically Shail, after a while it started becoming a saas-bahu sort of serial… I stopped watching then 😦
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Congratulations 🙂 This post in one of the winners of ‘Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards – 2011’ (TRBA 2011). We would like to create an ebook with all the winning entries in 47 categories on Feminism and Gender Issues in India (and one category on Animals Rights). Please do let us know if you are fine with your winning post/s being included in this ebook. ( Please click here to let us know).
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