All ye sisters of mine (and you brothers, stay well out of this one!! Grrr….), lend me your ears or rather this being a blog and all that, your eyes please. I recently came across a ‘prescription’, and a mind-boggling-ly easy one to swallow …errrr I mean follow, for that ‘very liberating’ feeling we the sisters have always been on the look out for. The first thought that struck me after the initial reaction which rendered me speechless and immobile with shock on perusing it, was a jubilant
“Woweeeeee!!!! I gotta share this with the gals!”
Yessir, generous to a fault is what I am. Not for me, keeping such path-breaking finds all to myself. How can I, when I know that you my dear sisters are also badly in need of that feeling of liberation which has been eluding us women since centuries?! Just when we were about to throw up our hands in that final gesture of despair and defeat and withdraw dejectedly to yonder dark corner to lie down listless and ruminate on what exactly that ‘very liberating’ feeling is all about, along comes a Messiah in the garb of a psychologist (and sister psychologist at that!) and reveals all.
I know for a fact that the brothers are all ears (rather eyes) now and beside themselves with curiosity in spite of the fact that they know or should, what it did to the cat in the adage and also to the lizard in my house. They want to know the whys, hows and the wherefores of this ‘very liberating’ feeling that we are about to experience. But like hell we are going to divulge our mind-boggling-ly simple secret to them.
Besides do you really think, excuse me while I guffaw not in glee, but in amused derision at the thought of any of the brothers actually being able to swallow ….errrr follow this prescription (however ‘liberating’ the result) being given us gals by our esteemed sweet sister psychologist (and let me add, without our ever having asked her for it). Not only will the brothers find it too bitter a pill and spit it out pronto, believe me you my dear sisters, they will also chafe, roar in anger, break whatever comes in their way, scream blue murder, snatch a gun and shoot, go crazy with grief, drink themselves to death, go into a fit, foam at their mouths…. in short make a sorry spectacle of themselves.
Now, we are made of sterner stuff, aren’t we? Even though we are not born bitter-pill-swallow-ers as such, that is the role which has been expected of us down the ages and haven’t we risen admirably and taken the bait fulfilled the vocation? You see, we have neither been cosseted by society nor pampered silly like the brothers have been by fools among our very selves, may I add? So when one of us sisters, with not enough brains to know what is what, takes the time out to write a book to ‘enlighten’ us and asks of us what no man can ever think of doing and thereby become the recipients of that much coveted ‘liberating’ feeling, we have to strangle her (gulp, sorry) throw bricks at her… (errrrrr…. ummm… sorry again, the tap dancing on the keyboard fingers of mine seem to have a mind of their own right now) just do the needful.
Coming to the res of what the respected sister found from the dubious excellent study she seems to have made up has conducted, i throws light on facts hitherto obscure to us. Did you by any chance know what indicated that your marriage was a really healthy one? The extramarital affair of your Darling Husband is what proves conclusively that your marriage is alive and kicking. Aha! Bet you didn’t know that. Does he have a mistress stashed away whom he goes to meet clandestinely? You bet your bottom dollar that he loves you to distraction.
Don’t run after the philandering chappie with a knife, advises Miss Psychologist. And a good thing she adds that bit, for times have changed and women now resort to martial arts and use of lethal weapon when faced with such situations rather than the ancient method of shedding copious tears which only resulted in over-salted and watery curries due to the waterworks, puffy red eyes the morning after, not to mention the stuffed up nose and the swollen look which does no good to your self esteem when you peep into the mirror and recoil in horror seeing your own reflection which is as far as can be from that of the celluloid tragedy queen who manages to remain tantalizingly beautiful in spite of crying worse than the skies in Cherrapunji.
What misconceptions we labored under till she of the psychology fame came along to wake us up from our slumber of ignorance! We grew up believing that the man who stepped out of the marital home in search of a paramour was erring. Time to change such old fashioned ideas gals! When he goes for that secret rendezvous with his mistress all he is doing is trying it ‘improve’ your marriage. What do you mean if you as a wife can also contribute to the ‘improvement’ of the marriage by taking a lover?? A noble thought I admit this wanting to assist the DH in such a difficult endeavor but, the lesson we got to learn is that it is only when a man has an extra marital affair that a marriage becomes strong. It is such hard work and we don’t make the grade for such sanctions to come our way in spite of being made of stern stuff. Worse luck. *sob sob*
Everything said and done, spare a thought for the monogamous chap among the brothers, dear gals. Until now he thought of himself as the cat’s whiskers, the Devoted Husband to his Devoted Wife. But now poor fellow finds himself holding the shorter end of the stick, the sister psychologist having put him under the microscope and come up with unflattering conclusions. “Prisoners to an idealized image of a man of duty” is the verdict. From now on all those in the know-how will point at the (rare) Monogamous Man and sigh with sympathy at his “lack of suppleness.” The non-Monogamous Men and their proud womenfolk will whisper among themselves,
“There goes the poor sod, the Monogamous Man, the one whose father was physically or morally absent … during his childhood.”
Which Devoted Wife is going to like that my dear sisters? I can imagine her shedding profuse tears unmindful that it would wash away her carefully applied make-up because her man lacked what it takes to ‘strengthen’ their marriage. “You don’t have a mistress!!” she will say petulantly and when the Darling Husband, the much maligned Monogamous Man, tries to make himself scarce behind the ever useful newspaper of the day at this onslaught, the Devoted Wife, breaking into uncontrollable sobs at her predicament and the callousness on his part in neglecting to do the right thing by her, will add for good measure, “You don’t love me any more!!” making the DH aka MM feel a Worm of the Worst Order. In all probability he will be ordered by the DW to go find one and ensconce her in some secret place as ‘proof of love’ before he can enter her good books again.
‘Shail, you are a Blabber Blogger and you have been blabbing away to glory for pretty long now while we have on our part been Patience Personified. Hurry up woman, we don’t have all day! We have kids to see to, cooking to do, office work piling up…. and most importantly, other blogs to read and comment. Not to mention our own blogs to write! You beguile us, with cries of ‘all ye sisters of mine’ and promise us ‘liberating’ feelings. But pray WHERE is that promised ‘liberating’ feeling you assured us was coming, you silly woman??! You have spewed forth One Thousand Two Hundred Thirty Seven words of pure drivel without nary a glimpse of liberation anywhere in sight as yet!’ grumble disgruntled voices. I hear you gals and I say, Patience!! We are finally there, all ready to be liberated courtesy our sister psychologist.
The brothers need ‘breathing space’ says she to us. What do you mean they could have got an apartment with more carpet area? What do you mean you like fresh air too? I like the free open spaces too, for that matter. But this is not about us, remember? This is about the Darling Husbands and their need for breathing freely. If they don’t, they will go blue in the face and conk out. Now we cannot have that, can we, Devoted Wives that we are??! Besides the learned woman who needs her head examined has conducted the study tells us “infidelity is ‘essential’ (Now who is that who said ‘My Foot!!’? No disorder in the ranks please!) to the “psychic functioning” of certain men who are still very much in love” And isn’t life all about the ‘psychic functioning’ of man running on well-oiled wheels??!! How could you think otherwise??!! So now that we know what life is about let us see how we can feel ‘liberated’ in our airless cubby holes.
All we have to do is accept…. (OMG What an uproar! What do you mean why the word ‘accept’?? What is the objection you have to the word ‘accept’?? It is a nice English word that means…. What do you mean we sisters are always the ones being asked to ‘accept’?? What do you mean how about asking men to ‘accept’ something for a change?? Hell, ladies, do you want to enjoy the tingle of liberation or not??!!! I thought I was the harbinger of good news!! I am baffled and hurt by your reactions!!) Okay, let me start once again, when women (so says the all-knowing psychologist) accept the “pact of fidelity is not natural but cultural” for the man (Now don’t interrupt with cries of ‘Why not for the women??!’) who is still very much in love (with you the wifey, not the woman he trotted off to rendezvous with secretly) it can be a “very liberating” for women.
Well, that’s it sisters mine. I have done my duty and spread the word. Now if some of you feel they want to throw red bricks, in appreciation of course, at a particular sister psychologist and need someone to lead them, please…. Hell, no. I will send you messages privately. We don’t want the brothers to know. I have this sneaking suspicion, illogical though it may seem, that the brothers are not going to like our gesture of appreciation one wee bit and might even sabotage it. So shhh…. Not a word to them.
Response in jest (or is it?? …your guess is as good as mine 😉 ) to this.