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–  A short story

She was miserable. Her heart felt heavy. The tears ready to flow. He doesn’t love me. I know he doesn’t love me. Loneliness enveloped her. Unbidden dark thoughts filled her mind. Cutting through it, like a ray of sunshine escaping the dark clouds, memories of the times she had felt so close to him stole into her mind, warming her for a moment. She remembered the oneness she felt when they were together. She closed her eyes, basking in its glow, remembering the unalloyed joy. How happy she had felt with him!!

The clouds closed in again shutting off the ray of sunshine. Why did she feel miserable now?? Her throat ached. There seemed to be something stuck there. The tears stung her eyes, threatening to flow. Does he love me the same way now?? Will he love me the same way in the days to come?? Will he leave me?? How would I even bear it if he did?? Misery spread through her whole being at the thought and made her feel more wretched. She let her tears flow. She could not hold them back any longer. She was glad no one was around. Or else she would have had to force them in for much longer.

She walked aimlessly from room to room. There was so much she had to do. Her work was piling up. But she did not feel like doing anything. Outside, it had started to rain again. She stopped by the window watching the rain. The pitter-patter of the raindrops on the leaves usually uplifted her, making her heart dance with joy. Today the sound only made her feel depressed. Why had she done it?? Why had she given her heart?? She stood with unseeing eyes trying to analyze her feelings. Why had she believed again?? She had learnt some bitter lessons early on in life. Never again, she had promised herself. My heart is mine. It shall not be given to anyone. Had she spoken too soon??

He had come along one fine day and she lost herself to him. Why?? Why did she lose her heart to him?? She had guarded it so well for so long. What had she seen in that first look to make it so special?? I want to know this man more. What made her give him a second look, then a third, a fourth, a fifth…and finally decide against odds that she wanted to know him after all?? Against all odds, it had been. The dice was loaded against her ever agreeing to meet someone like him. She had thrown caution to the winds and broken her own iron clad unwritten rules. There had been no good reason she could console herself with for doing so.

She remembered his perseverance. She had loved it. She loved the way he talked, the way he made her laugh. She had felt some unknown force propelling her to him. I want to be with him. She found herself inextricably drawn. What was it that made them connect so easily?? Was it because they laughed over the same things?? Was it because they loved to do the same things?? Was it because they had the same thoughts?? Was it because they found it so easy to talk to each other?? Was it their ability to read each other’s minds?? Or was it because they just enjoyed being with each other?? It was always heaven to be with him. He charmed her to distraction. He made her feel so alive. He made her smile. He made her feel like a woman all over. He made her love life again. But did he really love her??

Insecurities plagued her mind. Why was it so difficult for her to believe?? Was it so improbable that he loved her?? She struggled for an answer. Doubt reared its ugly head in her and the tears stung again. She did not even attempt to stop them this time. She sobbed silently succumbing to her own fears. Why was she so afraid now?? She had been so happy earlier. Why had fear intruded?? Was it because she had lost her heart completely to him?? She felt defenseless now. She had fallen in love. She had given herself up to him. She had lost control of her life. And now she was afraid, really afraid. She feared rejection. She feared loss. Flames of uncertainty consumed her every moment. Has he changed?? Was he changing?? Will he leave me?? Will I lose him?? I cannot go on. I cannot live in this uncertainty. She was being pulled apart, in all directions. It was tearing up her insides. She berated herself for her stupidity in falling in love. Why did I have to give my heart??

She stood watching the rain. The tears had now dried on her face. She felt empty. I must make a decision. I just cannot continue living this way. She felt all churned up. I can’t bear this pain any longer. She had to decide one way or other. Did she have a choice really?? Hadn’t she surrendered her heart to him?? Weren’t they as one?? How could she wrench herself away?? Wouldn’t it be like cutting her own heart in two?? How would she bear that pain?? What else can I do?? I do love him so much. I don’t know how I will live without him. She knew how empty the days would seem without meeting him or talking to him. But the unsurety of it all was killing her. I will cut myself off.

She walked to the sink and doused her face with some cold water. Her decision had been made. She wanted neither the happiness nor the pain. She would give up both. It was going to hurt so much. Today she would tell him that this could not go on. She had to leave, go back to her bland world, her island, where no feelings touched her, where she was in control. She sat there, lost in thoughts, waiting for the time they would meet next.

The phone rang bringing her out of her reverie. She dragged her feet listlessly and picked up the phone.
“Hello!!” came his voice.
Her heart skipped a beat. It sang. The sun suddenly burst through the dark clouds, lighting up every nook and cranny of her life. She could see a rainbow in the distance, its vibrant colors wiping away the grays. Her eyes sparkled. Her pulse raced. Unknown to her a smile spread across her face. Each and every cell in her body was alive. In a soft whisper she replied,
Hi darling…

Show-cased post from shail-mohan blogs @ sulekha.com