It is a strongly held belief among our people that anyone who suffers at the hands of children do so because they failed to treat their own parents well. This *suffering* could be anything from browbeaten children gathering enough courage to finally say a few words in their defence to oppressive parents, to wayward ones willfully beating up parents for selfish reason. Such are the extremes we are dealing with, with various degrees of *misdemeanors* in between these two.
Indian mothers (yes, it is mostly mothers) have at least once in their lifetime bitterly cursed, sorry *blessed*, their daughters [and it is daughters at the receiving end, sons can MOSTLY do no wrong and even if they do, they are magnanimously forgiven, the insults meant for them swallowed and later dumped on the easier targets, daughters. Anyways…] with a, “Wait till your own daughter makes you cry in the future, the same way you are making me do now!” Pssst. If you are one of them who hasn’t ever been *blessed* so *beautifully*, fall on to your knees right away, raise hands heavenward and chant a sincere prayer of thanks for being one among a lucky few.
You only have to see the soppy stories shared on social media to see how deeply this belief in ‘as-you-sow-so-shall-you-reap’ is entrenched in brains. Take the story of the old woman sent to an old age home by the son, who on her death bed requests that he install fans in the same home. The son is puzzled. “Why mom?” he asks, “Why now, when you no longer need it?” His mother’s reply takes his breath away as it does that of the readers, just as it is intended to, turning probably the son, but definitely the readers, into a sniffling mass of mush. The mother replies it is for him, his comfort, for the time when his son (her grandson) would drop him off at the same place. Who can miss the, you-will-get-the-same-fate-that-you-gave-your-parents moral of the story?
Well, I am not discounting the selfless nature of a mother that even in her death bed makes her think of her children. It could definitely be the case, of course. But one usually sees such stories being used to *preach* and control offspring, to pass judgement on parents whose children may not be conforming to accepted norms, and also to emotionally blackmail people. I just finished a novel by Mira Jacob in which the words uttered by his brother, (“You wait. Your own children will leave you and never come back!”) returns to haunt the protagonist’s father during his own period of trial later in life. Books, movies, real life, everywhere it is the same, your children will *punish* you suitably, just you wait.
Not all are dazzled or intimidated by such tales, or else who would be left to ask inconvenient questions? Who will tell what is needed to be told, the obvious that is begging, screaming, to be noticed in all such tales real and imaginary, but remains unseen, unspoken of. At this point you frown and ask me, Pray, what is it that is unseen and yet so goddamn obvious? Never mind if you haven’t, I am going to tell you all the same, which by the way, is the beauty of blogging, pretending questions have been asked and going on an answering spree. So here it is, the very obvious, missed or willfully ignored, your guess is as good as mine.
A parent standing in a future similar to the one predicted for the erring child and yet not realizing the simple truth that what she is facing could be the result of *blessings* previously *earned* from her own parents. What are you looking shocked for? Isn’t that a possibility? Why look only at the forward thread, what about the ones behind, that probably tell a different story of parents who were little terrors in their own right to their parents? Come to think of it, isn’t this a classic case of chicken or the egg?
That brings us to the question, how are you so sure that children are the wrongdoers and not mere instruments for bringing about the fate that parents deserve? Shouldn’t the script (for parents) in such cases read, “Gorblimey, I bet I am getting what I justly deserve!” instead of, “Remember you will suffer too!” to a child who could possibly be nothing other than Just Desserts Suitably Disguised As Offspring? Well, that is if you believe that sort of thing, of course. In case you were wondering, I DO NOT. Period. No one is here on Earth to mete out punishment to the other the tit for tat way. I wrote this post only because I wanted to say there are two sides (more actually) to everything.
Disclaimer: I am not against old age homes and downright pooh-pooh the bad press it gets everywhere from everyone. On that, another day.
©Shail Mohan 2015
Shail's Nest 
Shail, this topic has been mulling in my head
‘Tis truly, in us all, deeply imbed
‘One finger pointing — three back’
Triply does not cut any slack
A guilt-ridden karma then fills one with dread!
But, as you say, there’s no tit-for-tat
Seen glaring examples of precisely that
Sinners sing scot-free
Troubles, to the Good, hurry
Then, Who, in judgment, thereby sat?
Gulshan, yes ’tis the same thing that I think of, the glaring examples that won’t let you accept the tit-for-tat theory. You have, as usual, put it down pat in limerick form! ❤
You know, I for one firmly believe that what happens to us is the result of our own actions. If we give love and respect, we will get it back. As with Indian parents, it is the melodrama and the belief that they need to ‘control’ the kids is what kills relationships…
Thank you for your comment. I disagree with it 🙂 Let’s just take a simple case of parental neglect. What actions of a newborn child could have brought it upon itself? Now if the child in later life ignores the parents it is understandable, it is the neglect that could be the reason.
I was not talking of melodrama of Indian parents at all, but about the ‘you will suffer the same’ theory that is thrown about freely and the lack of logic behind it.
(giggling) @ “fall on to your knees right away, raise hands heavenward and chant a sincere prayer of thanks for being one among a lucky few.” I have removed the word for such “Luck” from my dictionary…Most everyone I know has heard of that dialogue. Along with the “I told you so” when the grandchildren fall short of their parents expectations. I wonder why Human beings(ok not all, its mostly Indians and other Asians) want to go against Nature, especially when you hear them also say “When they chicks are old enough, they will always fly the nest”. Do they forget that they flown ones dont come back?
I will tell you of a reply I gave to the, “Wait till your child talks to you like this and makes you suffer!”
Me: “Rest assured in that event I will not ask you to share that sorrow with me. I will suffer it all on my own.” 😉 And I have stuck to my word to this day. 😉
Indian parents needs to get a life of their own and will have to stop depending on kids to make them happy or be caretakers for life. You let the kid live her/his own life. Give them the love and respect they deserve. And they will return it when parents need it the most.
I believe that strongly. 🙂 You do your part, and let the rest take care of itself. Even then there is no logic in saying children will suffer in some future for example for talking back to parents. Like Gulshan says in her comment above, “A guilt-ridden karma then fills one with dread!”
Oh, the power of guilt!
Absolutely nailed it, Ashok 🙂
‘How are you so sure that children are the wrongdoers and not mere instruments for bringing about the fate that parents deserve’ – You’ve said it! This post needs to be read by oh-so-many-people!
Yes, if they do believe the karma-thingy, then why don’t parents accept that it is their karma unfolding? 😛
Just because some parents see their kids ( sons?/) as life insurance or old age insurance doesn’t make the kids responsible. I cnat understand how grown adults responsible for raising kids dont give a thought to their old age. and we call them wise !!!!
First parents have to realise kids don’t ask to be born and having birthed them it s your duty to raise them, its not a sacrifice, its a DUTY!!!! if that’s so hard , if that stops you from saving for your old age ,don’t have kids.. simple.
I concur absolutely with what you say, MR. But my point here was only the illogical assumption/claim that erring child will suffer in some future, but never questioning from whence comes one’s own suffering 🙂
I don’t understand this ‘reap and sow’ clause for parenting; as you said, it seems to be too preachy for me!
Too preachy, you bet.
I def see where you are coming from, because I agree and feel the same. I am guessing that it’s a cultural thing where following the required norms is a must and that the younger ones are responsible for the elders..hence having children is a must so they can take care of you, which is 1)never a guarantee because things happen in life (what if your children pass away, then what?) and 2). Like you said, you should have children only to enjoy them and watch them flourish into their own being, not become something that you WANT to fulfill yourself. The only thing I feel we as parents (ok I’m not a parent but you know lol) should do is make sure they turn out to be good human beings and have equal respect for everyone (please don’t impose arrogant show off attitudes like us Indians typically do have ! Respect and embrace everyone regardless how “less” they are than you ) I feel everyone has their own path in life, young and old, and regardless or not we like it or not, we have a path set for us. Asian parents (believe me, Indians are not the only ones, and honestly I think Chinese are the worst regarding this) tend to think they can use their children for their own self fulfilling desires and wishes and hence strongly control their children, even as adults they dictate the kind of life they should live, rather letting their children discover themselves and their own talents that may bring new perspectives and enlighten others rather than just doing what is the usual “routine” and being a robot to satisfy parents and society (which is crap in today’s world.).
And the abuse the children get from their parents for failing to confine to societal standards is outrageous. Not only are the kids emotionally scarred and have their self esteem destroyed, the pressure on them to perform well and please others is incredibly high that it starts from intense stress to suicidal thoughts. Here in US the suicide rates among Asian-Americans (Indians included) is enormously high. It’s a shame really. Reminds me of Amy Chua, the “Tiger Mother” who really lashed at her daughters for not being perfect in everything and fulfill the expected requirements. (Can’t get less than an A in this, must be number 1 in this and that..etc). This later made one of her daughters infuriated that the daughter smashed a violin in half and screamed “I hate being Chinese”. Well, if parents think they can treat their children like that, the children will no doubt retaliate, rebel, and later break their relationship with their parents. One thing I realized that if you want your children to respect you, you must respect your children. This goes for anybody, if you want to be respected, you must respect others. Respect is not a one way street, it has to come from both ends. I don’t agree with the fact that just because you are older you are the only one with a sense of entitlement and can treat those beneath you any way as you wish while they have to “respect” you regardless.
I admit I have been in situations where I have been put down (not much abused, though I have received harsh words and comments that are uncalled for) and lambasted for not being the “same” like “other” kids, as well as being pressured to be an expected notion so that I don’t get “shunned” by society and be considered “good”. However, I kind of do know how to handle it and realize now that it’s ok to rebel (respectfully and not go out of line) as being a people pleaser does not always have good benefits as you can easily be taken advantage of, and most importantly, you won’t learn to say “no” whenever necessary and for your own good.
On the other hand, I sort of give benefit of the doubt to Asian parents as many of them are not really that educated when it comes to being aware of global changes and are still stuck in 18th century. Luckily the newer generations are aware of this and are trying to change this mentality, though it’s extremely difficult.
I agree with what your comment says. But I think even uneducated ones should be able to see easily enough how ridiculous it is to curse children when they themselves might actually be suffering their parents curse after all 😉
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You said it. Brilliantly and honestly. There is so much of a guilt ride that the kids are put on, because of those expectations, and more so the daughters. I agree with that entirely… and the Just you wait, (I always find myself singing ‘enry ‘iggins… from My Fair Lady, every time I read Just you wait 😛 😛 ) gosh! One time too many I’ve received it too! Sigh. Not that it has made me any less of a rebel. But I feel sad sometimes. Sigh sigh.
Like I told Rashmee above, I had my answer ready: “Rest assured in that event I will not ask you to share that sorrow with me. I will suffer it all on my own.” 😉 Bringing up children is not an easy task and everyone has their fair share of troubles in differing degrees which is all part of life. But attributing it to how you treated your parents, or telling your own children to wait and see what troubles await them… it is all utter foolishness.