I am participating in the 30 Days Letter Challenge where you write one letter each day. The 4th in the list is a letter to ‘Your sibling (or closest relative)’
Dear Siblings,
One day a friend of mine asked if we siblings ever quarreled. No, she was not talking of the times of childhood but of adulthood. I was nonplussed. Why would we, as sensible adults? I tried to imagine a scenario where we would go at it hammer and tongs. I couldn’t for the life of me come up with one. So I asked her if she could tell me why she had fights with her sibling.
It seems she criticized her sibling on the way she dressed, and was in turn criticised about her hair style or whatever. They poked their respective noses into the way each others children were brought up, gave unasked advice freely, which was clearly resented. Words ensued and they ended up walking away in a huff.
For good (and I mainly think of it as good), or bad, this never happens with us because of the space we give each other. We share the good times when we meet, but keep off the turf otherwise in other matters. I believe ours is a more mature approach than getting into fights, but of course I am willing to concede to each his/her own. Personally, I wouldn’t last a minute in a quarreling relationship. So it has all been for the good for us.
Then of course the the world has examples galore of fights of the more serious kind, about who the parents’ favor, and who got the better land, or more money, more gold, you name it. We have seen it all happening around us while growing up. Luckily we have been mature enough to be above such petty squabbles as well, so far anyway. And no, I don’t see it happening in the future either because for me, as for you I am sure, relationships matter more than land, gold or money or dare I add, ego too? When nothing else intrudes, ego does, especially with age, as we have seen, again while growing up.
Where we are today is rather great considering that the lines between us were drawn pretty early by our parents. You were on the inside and I on the outside. Growing up, I hardly spent time with you. I was never allowed the freedom that you got. So while you played in the open, I struck up friendship with books and daydreamed. In that light, I find it absolutely amazing that we grew up to be who we are. It is definitely an effort from all our parts that has brought us here.
In spite of being the eldest, I don’t think I have ever taken the liberty to dole out any advice to you. But I feel compelled to give out a piece of gyan today which I feel will stand you in good stead:
The context and meanings you choose to give to words spoken by another, are yours alone, including the consequences.
Let the good times continue.
Your older sibling who is only one in age.
* * * * *
I HAVE to share this post from my dear bro Count Bawa: Dear Carrot Tyrant (That’s me in case you were wondering. So what are you waiting fro? Go on and read it!)
Whoever is participating in the 30 Days Letter Challenge, please hop over to Hrishikesh’s blog and add the links to your respective posts to the linky he has at the end of each of his posts for the challenge.
©Shail Mohan 2014
Shail's Nest 
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I remember seeing photos that you took of your sister and her husband and marveled at the closeness of your relationship! 🙂
I also have a brother, Roshni 🙂
I too hope that my sister and I don’t end up hating each other…I think one has to make a conscious decision to stay out of each other’s business if one wants to maintain a good relationship…
I agree with consciously staying out. In my case i am least inclined to interfere or advice. I just am not cut out for it.
Nice series you have here, letter writing is indeed a lost art in today’s world. And yet, a handwritten letter or even waiting for one to arrive gives so much joy. Loved your counsel to your sibling too. But what should one do when the other person does not speak openly and only insinuates? Still give them benefit of doubt?
I hate insinuations. That’s the time one is unable to defend oneself or clear things up. One can of course ask up front if they have something else on their mind. But then how many will admit that if they have been insinuating? Tough situation to be in. But yes, I try to ignore if something like that happens. 🙂
Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment 🙂
Though my elder sister used to beat me up when we were children ( to be honest, I provoked her mercilessly), she is now my closest confidant. I have been in many a jam that I wouldn’t have pulled out of without her help and wisdom. My other sister is a paragon of efficiency and usefulness. My youngest brother and I have a wonderful relationship, though we are miles apart in politics. My other brother is most special to me as I took care of him for the last 17 years of his life. I feel I owe our good relationships to my mother, who, though exhausted by all of us, showed us what it is to love and care for people. The only breach I have had with one sibling was when she said something that was true, and meant only to be helpful and I took it to be meddling. I got over it. We do have to tread a little carefully with those closest to us. Advice can work, but it can be easy to step in to meddling.
P.S. My mother wrote a book about us…really about the brother I took care of. I think it may still be available on Amazon, though it’s a little sappy. “Thank You Davey, Thank You God.”
Whoa, Sally. You were a naughty girl, eh? 😛 It’s nice to see how your mother laid the foundation for you all.
I agree. Advice can indeed easily become meddling if we the steps we take aren’t careful. But I suck big time at giving advice or getting involved 🙂
That book is still available on Amazon. I just checked! There seems to be no Kindle version.
I like the name Carrot Tyrant.
I made it up 😉 Here: https://shailsnest.com/2014/04/03/count-bawa/
Criticism, especially from a sibling can hurt
More so, when a thoughtless word is blurt
Rumours deliberately twisted
Make relationships distorted
And then, one can’t help but be cut up and curt!
That’s it in a nutshell (or limerick) 🙂
I believe every relationship needs space, even if it our immediate family. I agree that a relationship is more important than ego, but we seldom realize that. Carrot Tyrant’s letter is so adorable 🙂
Space is not something that our culture has provisions for. But thank god that we give each other lots of space.
It’s amazing that a Carrot Tyrants can inspire a letter such as that ❤ 😉
Space, something we don’t have it in us to give each other. It is a cultural failing I think. Space makes all relationships healthy
Cultural failing, Bingo. Not giving space in a relationships is glorified so much! Time to change this perception of space as undesirable.
I wish I had an older sister like you :-). Freedom and space is what my older brother gives me and for that I am most grateful.
Well, you can say I am a long distance one 😀
It is important to give space and a bit of understanding. I often realize how different I am than my cousins. I get my space but then then no acceptance and understanding of the fact that my lifestyle, thinking, practices – just everything is way too different than theirs. Not that we quarrel but unnecessary expectations build up at times.
i can relate. You start feeling hemmed in when you don’t have enough space.
As mature adults we ought to give each other space. Sometimes too much space happens, and that is just as bad as not getting enough space. That’s a story for another day.
I like the way you closed the letter. About contexts, words and consequences. I only hope more persons thought that way.
Loved Hrishi’s letter to you too 🙂
Thank you, Usha. A balanced approach is always the best, neither too much or too less. And each getting space according to their preference 🙂
Almost all relationships thrive on space. Distance does matter. It is kind of opposite for me with my elder sister. We have no space but somehow we never fight. I wonder why? Because in any other relationship I would always need space. May be it is her. She never makes me feel suffocated. I guess some relationships can’t be understood . 🙂
I especially agree with that last bit. Some relationships cannot be understood. 🙂
I can imagine you to be the goofiest of the trio 😀
I am goofy with strangers and friends 😀