Finding names for your new-born or as yet-unborn child is an activity that gives immense joy and satisfaction to new or about-to-be parents. Of course tradition, culture and that much touted respect for elders, whose every whim and fancy you are supposed to meekly indulge, all play spoilsport to this innocent pleasure. But then trying to snuff innocent pleasures and transform the young to jaded elders as early as possible is the aim of society as far as I have observed.
It is believed by many that being born under such-and-such asterism means the baby’s name has to start with a certain alphabet. Belonging to a particular religion/caste /whatever automatically puts some names out of bounds for you. Then there is numerology to confound things even further. If you are a believer or are forced to comply, you will end up tying yourself in knots trying to find a name that appeals and also generates the right number for all that luck waiting to be gathered into your baby’s folds (or is it yours?).
We, the L & M and I, had no such criterions to consider. So, even before we had decided when we wanted our baby to arrive, we were blithely discussing what we could possibly name the one who would make that eventual appearance. The L & M had a few suggestions. I had only one. I don’t know (to this day, because I never asked) on what he had based his selection of names. As for me, I wanted my children (oh yes, I had decided I wanted two of them) named after ‘qualities’ rather than any Gods. Yeah, I know many of the qualities are attributes of the same Gods whose names I wanted to avoid. That was okay. Didn’t those qualities describe humans too? NOT for me any of those popular and ‘so obviously associated with Gods’ kind of names.
So there we were with a few names from the L & M and only one name from me for a male child and a few more from both of us for a female child. It so happened that the L & M too liked the one and only name that I had put forward for a boy child. Pretty soon we were agreed and settled on the name for a girl child as well. No prizes for guessing what that ‘only’ choice of name had been for the yet to be born conceived senior son. You can read about my cosmic connection to the name Vivek, here.
I had assumed at the time that the nickname would be a derivative of the actual name. But the L & M had other plans. He chose Ruby as pet name for the first born.
Errr… Ruby? (To myself I thought, ‘Why Ruby? Did he have a girlfriend by that name who he wants to remember forever?’)
Yeah Ruby, very firmly replied the L & M.
But… isn’t that a girl’s name?
Of course not!
I detected a slight belligerence in the tone. So in the typical bhartiya nari style, I backed off and said not another word. After all, my other choice had been accepted. I couldn’t possibly clear this point with him (Why Ruby? Why? Why?) after he so very nicely agreed to my choice. One should be grateful for the offerings, right? Yup, that had been bhartiya nari inculcation at work again behind that thought. So I gave in gracefully.
Soon the inevitable happened. It was during my last trimester that the Mother in law out of the blue dropped a bomb-shell. Our first-born had to be named after his paternal grandfather. Ahh, do I see a ‘what’s wrong with that?’ stance on the part of many out there reading this? Yes, I will tell you what is wrong. She already had three grandsons to her credit, courtesy her other sons, by the time I stepped into her house. Her very first one already carried his paternal grandfather’s name. Her next wish had been for a grand-daughter and to name her Lakshmi. I decided not to mind and to make the adjustment if at all a daughter was born to me. But just a few months into my pregnancy, her eldest daughter-in-law made her wish come true. My niece was named Lakshmi. In fact the brother-in-;law also added his mother’s name to it, an added bonus. MIL was happy and contented, or so it seemed. Why the sudden order masquerading as a request, out of the blue? (That’s a longer story, not to be told here)
I expected the L & M to inform his mother that we had made our decisions. But of course I was being quite naive. Not many Indian men do anything of the sort. Mother says, sons obey. Society does not think that as odd, instead the sons are praised. I have never understood how that is any different from listening to your wife. But mothers think so, sons think so and Society too thinks listening to the wife is the nadir as far as a man is concerned. I realised I was expected to accommodate the MIL’s wish. But I was damned if I would.
The strange thing about Indian in-laws is that they isolate the daughter-in-law soon after she is accepted into the house with so much pomp and fanfare, but in spite expect her to fall all over the in-laws and worship, love and cherish them. How foolish. When they have it in their power to wind the daughter-in-law around their little fingers and make her dance to their tunes, the in-laws prefer to behave like out-laws and still expect to be treated like Gods, with utter devotion. Crap. Of course at that point of time I had not yet graduated to viewing such behaviour as crap. I was still at the stage when you believe all your obedience and ji haanjis will get you some goodwill and succeed in eventually opening some closed eyes and hearts to your true worth. Did I say crap already? Okay here it is, once more. Double crap.
So there I was being treated as any daughter-in-law commonly is anywhere, like an outsider within the walls of home. (Oh puhleeease, spare me the exceptions, I know they exist. Remember I am at the age where I aspire to be an MIL soon.) But I was still expected to accept with gratitude, a name thrust on me for my own child for no reason other than to show where power actually lay. Control, was the issue. Inside me was conflict, the need to remain the true to form, the ever obedient daughter-in-law whose worth would be accepted some day in true filmi style and contrasting it, the need to speak up for my desires.
I very gently pointed out to the L & M. Though my parents hadn’t put forward any conditions for naming the child (like hell I would entertain them if they had), but, what if they had? Am I not the eldest in my own home? They probably have their wishes about their first grandchild. Would he have agreed? To those of you who are horrified on hearing this, we belong to a matrilineal community. Our husband’s family actually has no role to play in our lives. But all your Bollywood movies, the K-serials etc are fast catching up and the MILs in our community are trying to cash in on the fad.
The logic in my argument was self-evident. But some mothers have arsenal with them which they don’t hesitate using to their advantage. All they have to do is talk of how much they have done (the oh-so great sacrifices) for them and the sons, all guilt-ridden, become putty in their hands.
Anyways that’s how things stood, a guilt-ridden husband and a conflict-ridden wife of his. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just give in? Of course not, why should I? What good did giving in get me so far? Who cares anyways. Let them name him. In whatever name he is still my son. But I I do care. I wish to name my child. Why must I buckle under the pressure? It went on and on inside my head.
The L & M in the meantime was trying to get me interested in combo names, names with a part of the departed father-in-law’s name added to them. I was not buying. Silence was my only answer. The day of naming the baby dawned bright and clear. I was in poor health after my delivery, so was not part of the arrangements. I got ready and when it was time they told me to sit on the low wooden seat. The baby son, twenty-eight days old, was put in my lap. I don’t remember very much of what happened that day. There was tying of thread around the baby’s waist, putting glass bangles and other things like that. Finally someone told me, ‘now lift him up and whisper his name into his ears’. I looked around, my eyes searching for the L & M. My eyes could seek his permission, if it was okay to call the name we had chosen, together. He was busy and here people were hurrying me. I lifted my baby son close to me and whispered in his ear,
“Vivek, Vivek, Vivek” Thrice, as instructed.
The rest of the ceremony went on. Surprisingly in the hurry-burry, no one asked me what the name was until a little while later. I was about to get up, the ceremony having gotten over, when my cousin smote her forehead with her hand and said,
“Ayyo… forgot to ask you. What IS his name?”
“Vivek” I answered.
When she heard my answer, the sun literally set on my MIL’s face.
If you think that is the end of the story, you are wrong. She waited almost six years to pull strings to name the second born. Life became hell for me over the issue, that I gave up. I was given two names to choose from. I kept clear of one of them, the name of a Hindu God and chose the other. I don’t know what Vishakh exactly means. Perhaps one of you can enlighten me. I have tried infusing it with meanings of my own. But anyways, the second-born seems happy enough with it and shudders at the name I had in store for him, Vinay (a quality again, meaning ‘humble’). So perhaps it was all for the best. Oh, by the way, the second-born’s pet name was also chosen by the L & M and does not derive from his actual name. But I am not at liberty to reveal it. So shh…..
I hear of so many couples who long to name their children, but are ruthlessly brushed aside by autocratic elders. Some couples do get out of it by naming the children according to the elder’s wish at the naming ceremony and using their own choice in the certificates. But I ask you, where is the need for all this? Why can’t you just let the parents name their child? What happiness do the elders get by being autocratic?
Let me wind up with a funny story. This happened while the L & M was posted at Sevoke Road. One evening, I went to visit Mrs A. K. Singh, wife of the L & M’s colleague. I was knitting a sweater for the L & M under her tutelage. Since I intended to continue my lessons for some more time, I requested that she send the sahayak (helper) to inform the L & M that I would be late returning home.
The man reached our house (which was at the other end of the lane) and told the L & M that memsahib would be late returning. Then L & M suddenly remembered something and called after the departing man,
“Ruby udhar hai?” (Is Ruby there)
“Hai Saab. Baandhke rakha hai,” (Yes sir. Tied up) replied the man.
When the sahayak was back at Maj A.k. Singh’s home, he said to Mrs A. K. Singh,
“Saab ne Ruby ke bare mein poocha.” (Sir asked about Ruby)
My ears perked up at the mention of Ruby and I lifted my head questioningly.
“Aur tumne kya kaha?” (What did you say) asked Mrs A.K. Singh.
“Maine kaha, koi fikar nahi Saab, baandhke rakha hai.” (I told him not to worry. She is tied up)
I burst out laughing. So did Mrs. A.K. Singh.
We explained to the puzzled man that Saab had only wanted to know if his son Ruby was here. The man had been under the impression that the Saab, worried about the memsahib’s safety was making sure that the Major’s huge German Shepherd, Ruby by name, was tied up.
Hrishi said:
in sanskrit we use the prefix vi- to mean the opposite on diminished form of the following word.. So vi-shakh could mean some one without branches..or some one who doesn’t branch out
shail said:
Yes, someone did tell me that, but I wasn’t sure. But that sort of made me feel okay 🙂 Now you have corroborated 🙂 Thanks.
Hrishi said:
FTC
shail said:
Yup! Congrats 🙂
Bikram said:
he he he 🙂 ruby is name of one of my very good friends back home ..
Keeping names is a big thing in all families I can see/ and influence of inlaws and parents even other other family members is there , why dont they let the mother and father decide I dont know ..
shail said:
I am sure that is a friend who is a girl, right? But in all these years I did meet a man whose pet name was ‘Ruby’, a Colonel and from Punjab. He was mighty pleased to find another person with the same pet name as him 🙂
Yeah, one should just let the parents decide on the name. 🙂
Indian Homemaker said:
I have a friend who had to change the name to the one chosen by her mother in law, when the child was many months old. Don’t the older relatives realise or value their relationship with their daughters in law? Why doesn’t it matter that she would think of them as arrogant control freaks? And it’s clear that her feelings don’t count… We hear no talk of teaching the ‘elders’ about maturity, and mutual affection and respect – the daughters in law aren’t the only ones who are unhappy in such families, how can any family be happy when one member is being bullied like this?? Strange family values we have.
shail said:
I really don’t understand such behavior. I have seen many sons say in a lighthearted manner that ‘It is only that Mother enjoys a little bit of power’ as if that explains everything. Why should the DIL be expected to cater to the MIL’s power-hunger? The wonder is how this ‘arrogant control freaks’ are seen as acceptable by society!
You can say that again: “Strange family values we have”! If the DIL insists on something she becomes someone who is ‘ziddi’ but if the MIL becomes unreasonable over something then it becomes “wisdom”? Like hell!
Mysoul said:
Sometimes Distance is a good thing. No one interfered with the naming of my children. Of course they had “suggestions”, which we very respectfully listened to.
I dont understand the concept of MIL’s wanting control over their DIL or Son’s life…didnt they want “No interference” from their MIL’s within their own marriages? Makes me wonder if they were suckers for unhappiness.
Vishak – variation of Vishaka, one of the Nakshatara(sectors in the in the Hindu Astrological system…Meaning is the same as what Hrishi above, has explained.
shail said:
I will underline that and slightly modify it: Distance is the best thing ever as far as I am concerned.
I have the same question. How can they make their DILs go through what they went through? But then I see my peers repeating the same mistake. I simply cannot believe it is happening. Yeah, suckers for unhappiness perhaps.
He is not born under the Vishakha asterism. But my mother did give me the same meaning (as Hrishi above) for the name and that’s when I felt more receptive to the name. 🙂
Orczy said:
Yeah..I completely agree with you..In a joint family the MIL always feels that she has to have her word heard..Believe it or not MOL has already decided a name for my unborn kid 🙂
shail said:
Welcome to Shail’s Nest Orczy 🙂
Uh-ho, so it is already out of your hands 🙂 In our case I felt let down because we had already made the decision and she made this last minute announcement and expected us to comply.
Ruchira said:
I hate control freak in laws .. I swear I do !
I somehow like the name Vishak ! Its different I don’t know anyone else with this name
Ruby ko bandh ke rakha hai . ROFL…. How did your husband react to that !
shail said:
I hate control. Period. It makes me feel suffocated. Its Vishakh, with an ‘h’ 🙂
When I returned home I asked him what the bhaiyya had told him. He said ‘Yeah something about Ruby being tied up’ But it seems he assumed he hadn’t heard correctly and the guy had probably said Ruby was there doing soemthing or other. But actually he had been out playing with friends 🙂
R's Mom said:
So we had the same problem with R…you know I was going to do a post on this whole naming thing, but then you just wrote it all :):)
I will just direct people here 🙂
I had so much problem with R’s name..dont ask…I refused to listen to anyone..and thankfully in my case, so did RD…her name is not at all Tambramish and it has got nothing to do with the rashis or anything…but R is well, named R now 🙂
Hugs to you and kudos for standing up for what you wanted…My brother and your elder son share the same name 🙂
shail said:
R has such a lovely name. I am glad you both did not listen to anyone. Ahh your brother is also Vivek? 😀
Neha said:
Ok let me ask you..after you named your first born as per “your will”…were you considered ( by L&M and not you MIL) as someone who is head strong and not willing to adjust even a tiny bit for the sake of him or his happiness? Just curious?
I know I often face such dilemmas and to make my life worse everyoe including my hubby think that i’m just stubburn , which now a days is OK with me. But at times I wonder why dont they see the logic of my argument. or should I just throw the logic out of the window for the sake of massasging others’ ego…tough choice. I’m glad you made yours…..
shail said:
Oh I earned the name much before that without doing or saying anything against anyone. 🙂 Just being a daughter-in-law of the house is sometimes enough reason to be described thus. 🙂 If you are called stubborn when you really are not, it affects you a lot initially.
It IS a tough choice. But I never hesitated taking a stand when it came to matters regarding my children. 🙂
Anonymously Disguised said:
Let me first 😆 😆 at the funny incident.
I have heard of such bullying by MIL’s to keep the name they choose for their grandchildren. One of my friend was so so upset about the name her MIL chose for her daughter that she ran away with the new born kid and what all drama followed after that 🙄
err…and now let me tell you about lazy parents like us who took 3 years to name their son. 😐 I think had it not been for getting the boy a passport, we would be blissfully calling him all sorts of names for years!! and oh…horrors of horrors…we gave him a name which has a good meaning in Hebrew and Arabic but the boy might refuse to talk with us if he got to know the meaning of his name in Persian!! 😥
shail said:
Three years to name your child? Oh the poor child with both lazy parents 😛 😀
OMG don’t send him to Persia or wherever Persian is spoken I mean. And don’t let him learn Persian as well. 😛
Well, I don’t blame the girl who ran away. Really, I don’t 🙂
TitoV said:
😀
Not yet had the predicament but the names are already chosen.
shail said:
Ahem, you will have to consider someone else’s choices too. 😉
TitoV said:
I can be very persuasive 😛
shail said:
Aha! 😛
vishvanaathjee said:
Shail,
Enjoyed reading.
Struck a chord.
My comment is too long.
Take your time and when free and if inclined please read my comment here
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1523566/Shail.doc
Regards
GV
shail said:
That was quite interesting GV. You should have gone ahead and posted it here 🙂
Sandhya Kumar said:
Hmmm…I remember making out a list of male child’s and female child’s name in my office hours but in the end my first born was named by his aththai and the second one by his another aththai (my sis in law! I was a very timid girl then and gave in!
This will not happen with my sons. They will name their children.
Ruby story…I am still laughing!
shail said:
The unfairness of it gets to me. How easy it would be if each set of parents named their own children. Yeah, at least our children will not face such things.
Usha Pisharody said:
😆 at the Ruby part of the story.
Control freaks when it comes to naming children? Tell me about it! Actually I circumvented in, or rather, fate did, in a verrrry interesting way.
The first born was to be named Arjun; and apparently, a God’s name is what is usually said into the ear, and you can call him whatever after that! :-o!!!! I still do not understand that.
Arjun would be Arjun. Now, as you say, it is dicey putting your foot down, when you’re newly married and a newly born mother :D! And my grandfather was to do the naming, since he was the oldest Karnavar present there. He asked me what to name him. I said Arjun. And he said, Arjun Arjun Arjun into his ear. Period. 😀
And well, since Arjun is a close cohort of the Good Lord, I suppose acceptance was much easier :P!
The second born was named in Delhi, with only my mother present, apart from the three of us. Since I got to choose Arjun’s, the husband got to choose the second 😀 And Ashwin it became.
With an “h”, as he and I are always fond of saying! Hereabouts in Kerala, Ashwin is spelt more often without the ‘h’. Awful, if you ask me, and I’m a spell Nazi when it comes to names 😀
shail said:
Usha, I have to thank my lucky stars that it was the mother that had to do the naming. So I got to have my way. Or else it would have been a lost cause! 😦
Like your Ashwin, the ‘h’ in Vishakh also needs constant reminders. 😛 Lol, I love that you are a Spell Nazi 😛 😉
Lovely names both Ashwin and Arjun 🙂
Usha Pisharody said:
🙂 thank you 🙂
And I did want to add, I found out the meaning of “Vishakh” from here 🙂 I thought it might be after the holy month of Vaishakham, between the new moon of Medam and Edavam. Glad to know it is otherwise 🙂
I almost spelt his name Vaishakh as a lot of is spelt thisaway here. And then *(thank god for the spell nazi in me 😛 )* I checked :D. I dont blame him for not liking Vinay… a quality, though to be emulated 🙂 🙂
shail said:
Yeah, we have got a lot of Vaishakh instead of Vishakh in forms and such, followed by much pulling out of hair (ours) and running around to get it changed. 😦 I wish there were more Spell Nazis around! 🙂
sudhagee said:
It is the title of this post that brought me to your blog. Great post, Shail.
My mother will empathise with you, as she went through hell naming my older brothers. As per tradition, both of them were named after the grandfathers. That’s not where the problem lay; the problem was with the ghar ka naam. And there were battles galore. So today we have my parents and my mother’s side of the family calling them by one name, my dad’s side of the family calling them by another name. Officially they have another name ! Thankfully, the drama stopped with them and I am known by just one name all around. 🙂
I even wrote about the Tambrahm way of naming children in a tongue and cheek manner on my blog. It’s titled “What’s in a name?”
shail said:
Let me look that up. You have a wonderful way of writing and I have become a fan.
Btw, welcome to Shail’s Nest. And oh! I have written a blog by the same name too, but it is about the different names I have. 🙂
Rinzu Rajan said:
When I was being named my parents decided to go on with the usual “any letter” incy series mallu Christians were commonly following at that time.! Dad thrusted on mom that it should be Rinzy. But mom as you did took a stand. She said it sounds like any other name.! Then it came to be Rinzy which was also put down.! Because my mom is one of the lucky women who never had a battery of in-laws to stalk her she finally suggested a variation called Rinzu.! And then it just happened this is what “silk” is called in Japanese and its also the name of a flower in Japan.! And thus I got my name.! Uncommon rare japanese name.! With my brother on the way, mom decided on both the nickname and first name for him.!
as stubborn-ly as no one could ever imagine.! 😛 And out all these discussions I have always asked mom why didn’t the maternal grandparents have a suggestion to which she replied that they only made suggestions for her brothers children.! 😦 Biased parents of daughters we have.! Even though when it came to my brother my youngest uncle’s suggestion was accepted by mom, an English name.! By then maybe everyone knew that she was one of those firm and unmoving daughter in laws who didn’t let even a fly crawl on her ears when it came to her children.!
Rinzu Rajan said:
Oh sorry earlier it was Rincy.!