Parenting needs no license. More is the pity. That is the thought that passed through my mind as I struggled to hide the shock and dismay I felt listening to the lady who sat across me.

She had just told me very matter-of-factly that her five year old daughter begged not to be left alone at home with the orderly when she and husband attended the ‘children not allowed’ parties in the Officers’ Mess. Apparently they totally disregarded her entreaties and continued leaving her with the very person she objected to being left alone with.

“One day we returned from a party to find the orderly sprawled on the carpet in a drunken stupor…” she said calmly as if that were an everyday occurrence in most homes “…and my daughter had locked herself in her room. She had been crying.”

How many of you are feeling yourselves grow cold at this point of the narration?? To this day I remember the chill of dread I felt that day more than two decades back.

I somehow found voice to ask her if their little girl was okay staying home with the new orderly, for I assumed that they had sent the other one packing. It turned out that I was wrong. Not only was the same man being retained (because he knew all the work and was familiar with things you know) but was also continued being entrusted with the job of taking care of their daughter while they partied with career prospects in view.

“Oh, she refuses to come out of her room when we are away. She stays locked up in her room till we get back. I cant stay back. My husband insists that I attend parties with him.” she added as if that settled matters for her.

I was silent. I was a junior officer’s wife, new to the station. Protocol did not allow me to counsel the L & M’s boss’s wife. Besides, my own retiring nature balked at the thought of interfering in other people’s business (which is a shame in this case).

I tentatively asked the lady if she knew why her daughter refused to come out of her room while the man was around.

“We don’t..”

She shrugged her shoulders as if the matter of finding out why exactly her daughter felt unsafe was of least importance.

How could she?? How could he?? How could they as parents not ‘hear’ what their child was trying to say?? Why leave your child (and that too alone in a house) with someone she seemed to be frightened, someone with whom she did not want to be left alone?? It simply seemed to defy any sort of logic to me. Was the ambitious father’s career, to help which the mother had to be by his side socializing, take precedence over the welfare of their child?? The dam burst once I was back home and I vented my feelings without restraint to the L & M. But a fat lot of good that would do to the child.

This neglect on the part of parents was generally known and discussed in hushed tones by the rest of the crowd, some of them scornful about the parents, others pitying the child and still others cursing the orderly. But none of us sadly enough, took the initiative to take up the matter with the parents, to help the child.

I still think of her and wonder how parents can be so callous as to dismiss the fears of their children because it disturbs the way of life they have outlined for themselves. I remember her with guilt, with a feeling of failure for not having at least spoken a word to help the child.

“Child Sexual Abuse is a topic which is rarely discussed in India thanks to the social stigma and cultural taboos associated with it. Nonetheless, research does show that over 53 per cent of our children, across SECs, geographical locations and age groups report some degree of sexual abuse.”

That is the official figure. But if you really get down to it and speak to those around you, you will find that 90 per cent of all of us have in some degree or the other experienced some form of sexual abuse as children.

This month (April) has been devoted to the cause of spreading awareness about the menace that is Child Sexual Abuse, across blogosphere, by the initiative of two dedicated ladies, Monika Manchanda and Kiran Manral. It is commendable work they along with their friends Boo, Iya Malhotra and Sunayana Roy are doing, especially in the face of harassment from trolls and skepticism from some more.

One of the points that have been mentioned by experts is of ‘taking due note and acting on it when your child refuses to be with someone or other’ which is when I remembered this incident that happened years back, where the parents failed miserably (and so had the onlookers who did not try to help, even with words).

Please listen to the children, believe them and help them. Most of all don’t betray them by sweeping under the carpet what they have to tell you and forcing them to continue as if nothing untoward has happened. The least you can do is accept the existence of wounds and try your best to heal them.

Child sexual abuse has life long repercussions. It is not just something that you read in the newspaper, something that happens to someone else’s child. It happens right in our homes under our noses because in most cases, it involves people known and trusted by the family. Don’t be one of those foolish people who think only girls are affected. Boys are equally at risk and affected just as much.

The answer begins with staying aware and vigilant at all times. So please all of you, go through the survivor stories, tips on how you can help an abused child, how you can recognize if abuse is happening and other means of increasing awareness at the CSAA blog here. Also take a look at this report,  Study on Child Sexual Abuse 2007 (a downloadable pdf file).

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