With my connivance
you annihilated me…
my vocal silence, a potent acquiescence
aiding and abetting you in every way…
I sharpened the blade
so you could carve me with ease
in designs you chose
superfluous bits thrown away
to putrefy
where no eyes could reach…
My eyes begged you for a swig
from the goblet of poison, sweeter than nectar
and drained it rapidly, to the last dregs.
As it spread making me weak… weaker
I waited eyes closed in rapture
the last tantalizing drop on my lips
an invitation to you… or an entreaty…
‘Bring me back to life!’
With fragrant oils
when you anointed my pliant body
I held a lighted matchstick
so you could set me ablaze…
Dancing flames rose
licking in lascivious joy
enveloping me in a smoldering embrace
turning life to flying ash.
Taciturn and compliant
I helped you all the way
colluding in my own annihilation
an accessory to the crime
of self-destruction…
I am the reason I am no more.
I plead guilty
Will I be charged??
– Shail Mohan (May 2010)
Shail's Nest 
Emotions,pain,trauma and guilt painted this masterpiece to pefect shades.
You are wonderful with words Shail 😀
It’s a pleasure to read your works 🙂
Thank you Chatterbox 🙂
Can a victim ever be guilty?
for an act that is so wily,
was it for freedom from misery?
or to punish somebody?
you be the judge and jury.
Absolutely fantastic work.Shaila, you deserve an award for this.
The person here has colluded in the crime. 🙂
Thank you Govind, that’s awesome praise.
Profound. Old Hindi proverb : The person who suffers injustice is more guilty than the perpetrator of the injustice
Yeah, that means the person above is equally guilty. 🙂
Do you know what I loved best in this? How you masterfully adhered throughout the poem to its central theme – your complicity in your own misery. And the end is so fitting. Poignant and effective.
‘Your complicity in your own misery’
That’s exactly what I wanted to convey. 🙂 Thanks Roopa.
Wow this is good!!! But I agree with Govind. My verdict: Not guilty. 😆
IHM, how about you look at it as plight of women?? Does that give a different picture??
Very painful feeling, but in these circumstances, it is done mostly to punish the person who hurt you, am I right? Again, you play with words, Shail.
Govind expresses so many things in his 4 liner comments, thanks to both of you. I never had the patience to read poetry until I started reading your poems, Shail.
Hmm… please read Madhu’s comment below Sandhya. 🙂 He has got it right.
Thank you for your appreciation of my efforts.
Goosebumping good!!!
Once again i ask, how do you do it??
Not magic I swear! 😉 Thanks Noor.
Shail, this piece is too overwhelming.
Why do I feel that its a story of a woman who sacrificed her self,her own identity and now is lost …..her own being now flying as ash ? Did she do it because she was weak , or for the love of her life?
You deserve “the best emotional expression “award.
Kirti, maybe I should try for a PhD on the topic! 😉 Madhu below has got what I had meant to convey.
That was spectacular!!!
Thanks Pal. 🙂
A tad too melodramatic.
What seems melodrama for one is the reality of some other. 🙂
Enjoyably written, though the theme leaves a sadness within. We do this in so many forms, from addictions to substances to addictions to certain patterns of behaviour.
I plead guilty to within my own court of justice…Thank you, 🙂 for bringing attention in such a beautiful manner.
Yes, this can be seen in various forms. Rashmi, I shouldn’t be surprised that you get what I write all the time. 🙂
Well written, once again…making me strive hard at words. 🙂
Thank you Uma.
Looked at this in two different ways Shail.
One as Govind has written…and Kriti too perhaps in a slightly different manner.
And another where I remember some of Ushus’s writes and cannot help but think of love and its ecstasies.The way one sometimes gives one’s all to love . And without pain too at that! Joyfully. Happily. Willing to be sacrificed. If it can be called sacrifice when it comes to matters of the heart.
Wondering at all that went through your mind (and heart) when you wrote this.
*waiting in anticipation*
Indy you are right about love. Of course you can look at it in various other ways too like Rashmi says. And like I wrote in reply to IHM if you look at it as from women about their plight… Are you able to do that?? Also read Madhu’s comment. That’s pretty close.
I am sorry I had to keep you waiting!! 😀
I am damn sure you wont be charged… !!
wonderfully written ! 🙂
Thanks Hitch! 🙂 As if any body would dare! 😉 😆
Wandered in, it’s been a while and sorry for that.
Read this a couple of times and my poetry challenged brain does not accord me the luxury of interpreting this as an obvious narration of a victim being torched ; There are layers(?)..
The plan and connivance is meticulous and for a reason. The victim does not have the typical victim psyche and that seems more by choice than circumstance ; The victim knows the attacker intimately ,loves him and is willingly abetting in the hopes of gaining something – respect, closure, elusive love ..
My guess :
1. It is about a woman who lost herself to her love despite him not being true to the love and the ashes signifying her life after and not ashes per se.
2. The sane part of a split/multiple personality realizing how the common denominator – body is controlled by the dominant, destructive part and acquiesces to it’s destruction – hence potentially guilty of silence – , knowing well it is better that way ..
Whatever the answer, it was brain fuel 🙂
Madhu, I am repeating this, for someone who says he is poetry-challenged, your interpretation comes pretty close. ‘The victim who does not have the psyche of one’…. I wonder how you homed in on that.
“The victim knows the attacker intimately ,loves him and is willingly abetting in the hopes of gaining something – respect, closure, elusive love ..”
I could not have put it any better. And ashes here do signify her life after.
Thanks Madhu. 🙂
BTW welcome to Shail’s Nest.
I plead guilty
Will I be charged??
There is no more charges required as already Self destruction happened.
( Meanings for few words I learned today!!)
Oh really?? 🙂 Just like posthumous awards, there can be posthumous guilty verdicts too! 😛
Shail…only a woman can express what love truly does to her..so beautifully expressed are the emotions….loved this
With my connivance…………Taciturn and compliant
I helped you all the way
colluding in my own annihilation
an accessory to the crime
of self-destruction…
I am the reason I am no more.
I plead guilty
…….We become the victim, all in the name of love..we fall in love, wanting to rise in love…..but that doesnot always happen,the embers, the cinders remain alive till they finally become ashes…..Shail indeed of all the pain , to love is the greatest pain…..only in love can we be self destructive.
Thank you Poonam. You are absolutely right!
That was wonderfully written, Shail!
Thank you Deeps 🙂
Very interesting poem and well-written, Shail. You write so strikingly wonderful.
As Poonam J said,”only in love can we be self destructive.”
For me, without writing a poem, I jump to this conclusion: “only in “avoiding the experience of love” do we walk on the path of self-dustruction to the end of our days.
We have more to chance to fulfill every human potential with love within and about us. At least as I see it. 🙂
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Since you’re reading/have read I guess you will appreciate the idea of ‘Sanction of the victim’
A victim is to be blamed when they offer themselves up victimization.. When they know that they are being taken advantage of, being destroyed but do nothing about it. They may not necessarily win it, but they must still choose to fight it.. If they don’t fight it, then they are part of the blame.
God! This is so vivid; and each chilling metaphor drives home the piercing dagger of empathy. Guilty or not, you’ve voiced some very real experiences in exquisite poetry. Take a bow!
Thank you, Usha. *takes a bow* 😀
Atta gurl 🙂
Superb way with words Shail. Pierces the heart.