One of the first things I do as of a morning is to take a quick dekko at the spam comments on my blog page. I can well imagine a few of you going tap-tap-tap, with index finger on head, sounding like a bally woodpecker out in search of daily nourishment, indicating by that universally understood sign language that I must be loco to spend valuable morning hours engaged thus.

By the way, did you know that woodpeckers have over time, and I assure you I have this on excellent authority, evolved a number of adaptations to protect the brain from damage from all the hammering and drumming they indulge in on a daily basis? I mention this in passing, to remind you gently as it were, to go slow with the tap-tapping however sorely might you be tempted to do so when hereabouts, because humans unlike the woodpeckers, have not yet evolved any adaptations whatsoever to protect their brains from tap-tapping of any kind a la Obelix. And everyone knows that Obelix fell into the cauldron of magic potion while a baby and should be no role model for the likes of mere mortals like my readers.

Anyways, tap-tap-taps or not, I do enjoy my daily foray into the spam comments page dutifully cached for me by none other than Akismet that excellent successor to very bad Bad Behavior who locked me out of my own home. The cheek!

I have to admit though, not only do I have a weird sense of humor (Neptunian sense of humor differs tremendously from those of Earthlings) but as pointed out helpfully by a ‘well-wisher’ of a reader, I also unleash that weirdness unabashedly on the unsuspecting public aka visitors to my blog page, under the guise of blogs tagged as ‘humor’ making them wince and shudder. ‘You call this humor??’ he cried out, or rather his virtual voice did via the fonts displayed, themselves burning with righteous indignation almost burning up the display screen too and I literally cringed with shame. His voice (virtual of course) resonating with passion to free oppressed readers from the tyrant that was moi, concluded that this in addition to being an exercise in ‘boosting a sagging morale’ was also an attempt to hoodwink the gullible public into believing that the inferior product posted in these pages was in fact, the real thing. (OMG do you think this can go to the consumer court??)

Suffice to say, the cyber-ically booming voice jolted me awake from complacency, Remorse and chagrin stepped in taunting me for duping the innocent public. Sigh, of course I can see the feller’s view point. Come on, who really likes tyrants, especially those like me who hold readers at gun point forcing them to read and then horror of horrors, comment too, on said tyrant’s blogs??!! So I hereby tender my apologies for inflicting inferior brand of humor on ye and also solemnly declare that I shall be continuing to do so till my fingers retain their capacity to ‘tap dance on the keyboard’! To Read Or Not To Read is a problem that mercifully so, is not mine to decide. Thank God for small mercies!

OMG look how far I have digressed from the subject of spam comments. Now let me get back to one of my favorite hobbies, checking the spam comments every morning and evening and night for that matter. Initially these comments used to consist of links, more links and many more links. There were variations certainly. Sometimes they were merely passages in their entirety from some unknown book or other. But I am pretty sure the think-tanks back at Spamming Incorporated were none too pleased with the way things were going. The matter was probably thrashed at their frequently held sessions. Results, results!! Where were the results?? Heads rolled, mostly junior, a few senior ones too, I am assuming. The new ones recruited had to come up with better spamming techniques or else watch their own heads rolling as well which I know is a difficult proposition in every way.

Since it was evident that this Stone Age technique of hopping from one blog page to another dropping links like pigeons you-know-what on statues was not giving desired results, it was scrapped by the more ambitious among Spammers Incorporated. New creative geniuses, brains sloshing with ideas, came up with the All New Approach to Spamming. The new method entailed leaving spam comments disguised as and resembling as closely as possible, the real thing, namely genuine comments. Reading the post of course was optional. All that the minions, the on-site workers, had to do was to navigate from blog to blog page leaving comments chosen randomly from the brochure prepared for them by the Creative Geniuses.

I have been getting some of these priceless ones for long now as I am sure others have too. Here are a few comments (and my replies to them in italics) that made it to a couple of previous posts..

From the post When Mom is busy blogging…

Babafuisia: It is the second entry I read tonight. And I am on my third. Got to think which one is next. Thank you.

Hey Babafuisia, I made you ‘THINK’ which post to read next just by posting pictures of my dog? Oh boy, oh boy!! If only it were as easy to make the ‘thinking’ wheels turn in the thick skulls of some people I know. Sigh!

Earrings: Great article. Will definitely copy it to my website.

Now now Earrings. I greatly appreciate your endorsement of my ‘article’ with the ‘great’ tag. But tu-tut-tut, COPYING?? Oh no no no! Imagine the look of hurt on the face of your dog when you copy pictures of other dogs on to your website even though disguised as ‘great article’!? Click his pictures (if you want I can lend you my camera), put them up at your site and feel that extra glow of satisfaction when you get those extra tail wags and extra sloppy licks from your own dog.

Fred: Really great read – are you having fun with it? Keep up the good work and good luck with your site!

Dear Fred, I am simply amazed that you know to ‘read’ pictures. Please, pretty please, will you teach me too? Is it in any way similar to reading tarot cards? And gee, so sweet of you, I AM having fun, but not as much fun I might have once I learn to ‘read’ pictures of dogs.

Cheap V***** Online: Thank you very much for that superb article.

Well Mr, Cheap V***** Online, I am NOT going to mention your full name in my post. Oh no siree, I definitely am NOT. Do you want the wrong crowd to come stomping in looking for un-named things on my blog page? No, not at all. And thank you , ‘great article’ or not, my dog does NOT need v***** even if they come dirt cheap.

How I lost thirty pounds in thirty days without diet: Thanks for posting about this, I would love to read more about this topic.

My pleasure, How-I-lost-thirty-pounds-in-thirty-days-without-diet! Phew I need a glass of water for just calling you by your name. I am really amazed that you can ‘read’ dog pictures too. I shall post more pictures of my dog if you promise to read them for me. BTW I am sorry to say my dog weighs just about thirty pounds and I strictly forbid you to talk of ‘how you lost thirty pounds without dieting’ in her presence. OMG, I’d end up with no-dog at all if I go by your words!

From Identity Crisis

Furosemide: Hi there!

Yoo hoo there Furosemide!! 😀

Sdfsd: dv

Errrr… ummm… aq or for that matter cy or perhaps wpk or even glsfnxordaz, old chap. Please don’t mind the extra alphabets, okay? Being a woman and all I need those extra words unlike you the strong silent man. I am of course assuming you are a man by the very very very very brief comment you left.

Hinontangenag: Alas!

Oh boy, this sure puts me in a quandary dear Hinontangenag (by the way are you in any way related to Anant Nag, the actor and film maker?). What exactly do you mean by “Alas!”?? Is it sympathy for me or for the readers or….. OMG, is it for yourself, for having to be a cyber pigeon?!!!

Accercita: Is there a bus or train to the castle??

Sorry Accercita, I am ashamed to say I am a total ignoramus when it comes to buses or trains to castles. If you are particular, I have a brand new WagonR at my disposal and can drive you to the airport or railway station nearest to where I stay, and that I feel is a generous offer considering you cyber-pigeon-ed my blog site.

Fielaabarce: Do you sell envelopes??

Yo Fielaabarce, you are making me feel a miserable worm as I am unable to help you, not being a seller of envelopes myself. But tell me one thing, whatever gave you the idea that this was a stationery store?? I mean I thought I had it well camouflaged as a blog page and all. *baffled*

Now this last one takes the cake.

Bemthitte: Have you got a bigger one?

Still playing nursery games are we Bemthitte?? Tch tch tch… When will you grow up?? Does size really matter??!! And pray what would that bigger one be that I might or might not have?? You have to be more specific you know. Well I do have a few bigger ones, but I certainly am not going to list them here. Tchah to you! Hmmm… On second thoughts if you mean blogs, dear man, I am always trying to write bigger ones. But with the likes of Indyeah around, do I even stand a chance??! 😦

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This post about spam comments is inspired from a hilarious one done by my friend about spam mail which I am unable to link to unless of course he decides to repost it somewhere from where I will be able to. Thank you, Vivek.