My friend of the shrink hen by dunking in bucket of water fame wrote a humorous post some time back about his fictitious (Hmmm.. at least I assume that it had been fictitious. But with such a guy as him one can never be too sure, so let my reservations about the matter be duly noted) experience at a dating site where he registered unable to resist the lure of the vivacious smile of the pretty girl in the ad who urged him to do so pronto. I remember laughing heartily at the …ahem, supposedly imaginary situation he landed himself in. I bet now it is his turn to laugh at mine. Please don’t jump to the conclusion that I have joined any dating site. I may be a crazy nut but certainly not that crazy a nut either, not that joining dating sites automatically makes one a crazy nut by default, just that it would make me one. After all once bitten twice shy and all that, if you know what I mean, not that that bite was via any online dating site either, rather the good (??!!!!) old-fashioned, marriage-broker way still popular in India. Besides, where is the need to join any dating site with the shaadi.com experience guaranteed at the many different social networking sites, let me add, for all ages?
The net has never ceased to amaze me. There seems to be a veritable sea of lonely XY people out there whose only purpose in life seems to be to pounce on you with offers of friendship as soon as your shadow precedes you into their ken always assuming of course that the light is behind you. You are buried in an avalanche of offers the minute you enrol somewhere. Now those of the XY category need not get all hot under the collar reading this. It is just that being from the XX group I speak of my own experiences. Period. I am not by any means saying that the opposite doesn’t hold true and the XX category does not converge on the scene when an XY form is seen on the horizon. Ask me, I still remember how the students of St Teresa’a College went berserk back in the late 70s on seeing the legendary Prem Nazir in their midst one fine day. Though he was only a fading star of the Mallu movie scene by then, the girls almost had him for breakfast. That he got out in one piece on his own two feet and did not have to be carried out in little bits collected in a bag is in itself a miracle.
Now I am a straight forward person. Though the cyber world gives you opportunities galore to hide behind avatars and stuff I prefer the inhabitants of this virtual world to know who I am just as in the real world. So I have my ‘mug’ duly displayed at sites I am member of. Of course it stops me from going #$%*&@#%&*@ at fellow netizens at times when the need so arises. But look at the positive side. Overcoming the urge makes me a better and more spiritual person as Wodehouse would say. Recently I joined a new site. It seemed a good enough place as some of my respected friends were already comfortably ensconced there. I hadn’t bargained for the deluge of invites that had me submerged, making me gasp for air. It looked like I would need more than either Noah’s Ark or Vishnu in his Matsyavatar to bail me out of this one. But I managed, in spite of being a non-swimmer.
‘I want to be your friend because I am your sibling’ read one such message which had my head spinning on perusing it. Imagine going through almost half a century of life believing that you have exactly one younger sister and one younger brother each, only to open your mailbox and find the fact contradicted by some total stranger. That my parents would hide the existence of this much younger sibling from me, a matter which I intend taking up with them when we meet next, had never occurred to me. Had they lost him in a mela (fair) in the manner made famous by Bollywood movies where the siblings reunited only in the last reels (which certainly brings up the question whether these are the last reels of my life)?? Hmmm… or had the daily recitation of the pledge ‘All Indians are my brothers and sisters’ in school deceived him into thinking that India was filled with his siblings?? I suppose he intends marrying a foreigner when the time comes. Or could it be that since the time I left school the word had taken on new meaning unbeknownst to me?
Just look at what Twitter did to me. ‘Twitter’ to your heart’s content says twitter.com and what do they do when I ‘twitter’ away putting any of those early-rising birds to shame?? They put a muzzle on me with their high-handed behavior!! As far as I know clams are burrowing marine and freshwater bivalve mollusks. Now why shouldn’t I ‘twitter’ about mollusks, either marine or freshwater?? Pretty respectable creatures of creation one would think they were. But ‘no’ goes the wisdom back at twitter.com Headquarters where anti-mollusk activities seem to be afoot. Each time I ‘twittered’ about the book and the clam, the higher-ups (or perhaps the minions) back at Twitter Headquarters promptly removed it revealing how sinisterly deep and widespread ran anti-clam feelings at Twitter. Sigh, this world is so confusing and I find I am digressing as is usual with me.
Now people, as you all are aware, I am no masseuse a la Phoebe from F.R.I.E.N.D.S., only a lowly home-maker who is forever asked stupid questions like “Do you work??’ by supposedly intelligent people. Yet much to my chagrin, I received a message that said, ‘Thanks for your massage.’ making my jaw drop in confusion. I swear I have massaged only three Martian (who like Oliver Twist always ask for more) heads in my life and that too with pure coconut oil from God’s own country. Yet here was a complete stranger whom I didn’t know from Adam, thanking me for the massage. Is it any wonder that my jaw dropped?? It dropped a notch lower on reading the rest of the message. ‘Please continue massaging me’ it read. Ha, catch me doing that. Fat chance indeed! Considering that a mere thank you note for a comment left on my page had magically transformed me from a lowly homemaker to a masseuse, I didn’t want to do any more massaging… ooops sorry messaging, for fear of further such unwanted transformations.
As I waded ashore, picking my way gingerly through these and like messages something caught my eye. I stared at it in disbelief wishing with all my heart that I could raise one eyebrow of mine just as effortlessly as Madhu had done (minus the wiggling facial muscles of course which according to me resembled more an attack of cerebral palsy rather than extreme emotion which it was supposed to portray), in a movie I happened to catch on television the other day when the girl for whom he had been singing and who (probably attracted by that very same song) had offered herself to him on a platter shocking him (one only hopes not unpleasantly) enough to raise that single eyebrow and also accounted for those gymnastics of the facial muscles. Watching the scene I had rolled on the floor, thankfully left clean by the diligent maid, laughing out loud all by myself. Anyway let’s leave Madhu and his histrionics behind and get back to the message I received which made me long to do the eyebrow trick.
He worked as an executive in some firm, the message read. He would like to meet me the next time he was in India it continued, to find out if matters could be taken further. Please respond only if you are serious,(which by the way I am not and which you must have guessed by now) he had written. ‘Don’t waste my time… (and this is where I had wanted to do the raise- single-eyebrow act) if you aren’t,’ he had written. Marriage was his aim, he had added leaving no room for doubt. Since at this point the eyebrow, the one which if I could have raised in a single perfect arch was already in a raised position (in my mind of course), there seemed no point in wishing to raise it any further as it would only have caused the one left behind to feel totally left out. So I left that thought behind and instead let both of them rise in unison, forgetting Madhu for the moment and making it a double whammy of raised eyebrows.
Do I see raised eyebrows asking me what all the fuss is about?? It is laid out clearly for the general public to lap up at their leisure in all the places I frequent that I have to my credit, one husband two children, one dog and sundry cats that enter and exit my life as they please. And yet here was a gentleman who wanted to marry me. What was I going to do with the one husband I already had?? Egad the bally chap was bent on having me a law abiding citizen to the core, arrested for bigamy always accepting of course that I took him up on his offer. Besides, what did I say a little while back?? Once bitten twice shy. So the answer was definitely a ‘No!’
I couldn’t resist adding a few lines in reply to him. “Dear So-and-So, I thank you for your kind offer. Since I already have one husband (and believe me one is more than enough in one’s life) who takes very good care of me (and has for more than a quarter century now), I don’t have any plans for either dumping him, exchanging him or taking on another along with him. If you had gone through my profile this matter would have been amply evident and the time you consider so valuable to yourself (come to think of it, it’s pretty valuable to me too), could have been suitably saved.’ Well, whaddya know. The Mr. So-and So replied and apologized. I am impressed.
©Shail Mohan 2009
I should quit coming here when I am officially supposed to be working.All those suppressed giggles got my facial muscles into a frenzy that could have outrivalled Mr.Madhu’s bhavabhinayam…
Me: Haha Madhu’s bhavabhinayam indeed and that too in office! Must have been worth watching. Sorry that I missed it though! 😛
on my y360 i put :”only 2 men in my life (son and husband)and i agree with you it is a hard work …….but i continue to receive “massages” ……
can I continue to “massage” you??
Me: Haha Isabel! Of course you may ‘massage’ me! 😛
that was really funny… !!
Like isable says… can i continue to massage you ?? lol !!
Me: Of course Dhiren! Hahahaha!! 😛
Hilarious story, Shail! Did you really answer him like that?:)
Me: This is the truth and nothing but the truth! Manju, I even tried to raise that single eyebrow. Of course I failed in that! 😀
That was hilarious :)))
Me: *takes a bow* Thanks! 😀
My time is never wasted when I read your blogs. Refreshingly hilarious as ever!
Me: The ‘masssages’ really inspire me a lot!! 😉 I’d suggest you read ‘Funny Invites’ if you haven’t already.
Hahaha. Hilarious, indeed. Incidentally, I’m following you on Twitter; just watch ot for any weird massages 😛
And since I have the luxury of anonimity:
Nice one, Shail!
Me: Ahhh the luxuries of anonymity!! You go girl! 😉 And well, I will be on the look out for those weird ‘massages’ on Twitter! 😉
ROFL! 😀 yeah happens and the ‘massaging’ is a sureshot way of knowing the amazing aatmas of the social networking world 😀
Me: You said it Indyeah! Lots of ‘massaginng’ on the networking scene. 😛 😀
LOL! What a lovely massage, that too for free. May you have many more…may you have many more…!
Me: OMG Pallavi, now that is some blessing! Lol. Fodder for more posts too!!
I guess most of get these messages and we either ignore or reply rudely.
ur response to the last message is brilliant
Me: Yeah and I use them for writing a new post! 😉 Read ‘Funny Invites‘ too. 😀
Indian Homemaker said:
lol lol rotfl :))))
This was so so funny, I loved the one eye brow raised …(only in your mind of course!)And you gave him good reply 🙂
Me: Thanks IHM! *takes a bow* Sigh, wish I could really raise that single brow in real too.
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Preeti Shenoy said:
🙂 LOL..somethings never change!! Could relate so well to that Prem Nazir bit..I think during my times he was replaced by Balachandra Menon 🙂 And hey–he apologised–so pls spare the guy! 😀
Me: Yeah, what impressed me was that he wrote back to apologise! This sort of ‘massaging’ is similar to those phone calls where people start off with their talk without verifying whom they have called. “Tell Ashwati to get dressed and be ready” a male voice ordered me one day over the phone line. Of course I would have been delighted to oblige. Only thing the Ashwathi I knew lived right across on the other side of the globe and I didn’t think she would have appreciated it if I had woken her up from sleep and asked her to get dressed. Imagine the embarrassment had she raised her single eyebrow (for real this time) and told me that it was none of my business whether she was dressed or undressed!! Positively disastrous scenario that! 😉
Hey Shaila that was a very humorous post…and I believe not totally fictional. Excuse my spelling errors as i am laughing my AO….generally it is the XY brigade that loves to give massages at least i haven’t received any massages from the XX brigade…hmmm that gives me an idea…shall I form a female ID and see the response? Shaila will you lend me your pic for that (to ensure maximum massages). On second thought i shouldnt do it as my experiments have always scalded me…the shrink hen project…then the join matrimony site project…the list is long…and the scars longer…
Me: Ha! I made you laugh your AO Vivek?? I hope there was no mass uprising of eyebrows in your office from your minions at this uncharacteristic behavior from the Boss while at work??! And oh Mistah Vivek, whaddya know, this is totally non-fictional, the same as your post! Can’t you hear the ring of truth in every sentence. I thought the noise was deafening!! 😛 You can have my picture for your maximum ‘massage’ experiment. What are friends for anyway! Just don’t land me in a soup!! 😛 😉 BTW, lets hear from that long list you speak of.
In mythology proposals came through swans
now they come from people who say they are fans
but like the dew drops on the lush green lawns
it is sure,they will disappear as every day dawns.
Me: Haha Govind, reply in poetic form for prose too??! Yep, they do disappear, especially when they are ignored! 😛
BTW, am in a hurry. Have a train to catch. So my reply is in sada prose form! 😛
In mythology proposals came through swans
now they come from people who say they are fans
but like the dew drops on the lush green lawns
they sure will disappear as every new day dawns.
HA HA HA i am still laughing 🙂 loved this one
Me: *takes a bow* And keep laughing!
Biju Mathews said:
Another of those best ones!! Good one!
Me: Thanks Biju! 🙂
Shail, congratulations on being featured on Blogadda’s Spicy Saturday Picks!
Me: Thanks Manju! 🙂
hell hath no fury like shail di scorned
Me: Hmmm… me and fury?? I thought I was pretty reasonable under the circumstanceS! And anyway who dare scorn me?? Bring them on!! *eyes red bricks* 😛
Good lord 🙂 LOL, What an interesting massage 🙂
Me: 😛 Lol yes! Thanks Chirag.
Hey,Shail..am in abit of a rush..hvnt read the post full.Just came here to wish you and your family a Happy Vishu.
Will come back to read the post in leisure:)
Vishu aashamsakal once again:)
Me: Vishudina Aashamsakal Deeps to you and family too. Thanks for your wishes! 🙂
If I said, “Will you make friend with me?” it would be soooo frikkin weird! I have had my share of such ridiculousness on orkut! 😀
Me: Yeah, we get to hear quite a bit of that too 😛 BTW, do we get to hear about ‘your share of such ridiculousness??
Very funny post! There’s lots of characters out there…you never know what will hit you next.
Every day’s a new adventure on the Internet!
Me: You bet everyday is a new adventure on the net!! I am waiting to see what will hit me next. As long as it makes a post I am not complaining! 😉 😛 Thanks!
Bob Hoff said:
Perhaps you are not a Physical masseuse, my writer/thinker/humor slant angle/ relationships angle/homemaker Friend, but for me you are a “Mental Masseuse.”
My wife Chris gives me physical facial/temples/eat massages to see if anything is stirring inside my cranium in the way of ever so slight brain activity. B:O)
I come to your writings to see the sun rise, “but even when your dander is up and your emotions are more serious”, your writing weather is refreshing and stimulating.
And that is my opinion/truth.
Right/Write On, HRP
Me: Bob, and tell me what conlusion did Chris reach after the “physical facial/temples/ear massages”?? :O)
Now that is a new term ‘Mental Masseuse’ Lol. Bob, I guess Chris’ massage stirs things up inside your cranium, enough at least to think up funny and interesting comments!! :O)
Bob Hoff said:
not “eat” massages, but “ear” massages. Good gravy, I better go to sleep before embarrassing myself further, no. Actually, Bob Hoff is my pseudonym in case I ever get famous. My real name is “Baroke O’Penniless.”
So much ado over eyebrows. Ha, you sure must have gone to the parlour lately.
Jokes apart, that was superlative writing. You are a magician with words. I hope my ‘massage’ is clear.
Keep them coming.
PS : Btw, do you work? 🙂
Me: Come to think of it Sal, you are right about the visit to the parlor! 😀 And thanks for the generous words of appreciation. Your ‘massage’ btw was loud and clear.
Indian Homemaker said:
Congratulations for this post being amongst the Spicy Saturday Picks 🙂
It definitely deserves that, had me laughing aloud, loved your raised eyebrows the most:)
Me: Thanks IHM *raises both eyebrows* 😉 😀
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ROFL ROFL ROFL!
The singlemost laugh riot of a post i read today…considering that i spent all day reading posts!
Damn…now let me “Submit Comment” and head to the manager, to explain short bursts of loud laughter and loud-but-short slams on the desk 😀
😉 Glad to now you had a good laugh! I had my share of laughter while reading those ‘massages’ 😉 😛 BTW, how did you explain your short bursts of loud laughter to your manager, not to mention the ‘loud-but-short slams on the desk’?!! *wonders* 😀
Well, explaining was tough — esp since he’s never read a blog his entire life — and didn’t quite get the whole point of reading about someone else’s day/plight/interests or whatever!
Anyway, by the time i was done explaining, his eyes had almost popped out and he put on his thinking-cap — and told me to blog about my first day at IBM! Uggghhh. Now I, being this very-honest-and-will-speak-out-the-truth types, wrote an honest blogpost about it, and he wasnt very pleased — tho he was polite about it 😀
My appraisal’s going on…and I’ll charge any bad rating on to you! 😛
G Vishwanath said:
Thanks to Scorpria for leading me to this hilarious narrative. Would have missed it otherwise.
My! My! I didn’t know you had such gems tucked away in your archives. I am only a recent reader of your blog, and I can now boast of serendipity as one of my talents. Would I have discovered this blog but for this quality of mine?
This weekend is reserved for your old offerings.
Even if they are only half as entertaining as this one, it will be time well spent.
Thanks for this opportunity to indulge myself today.
Regards and best wishes
GV(a confirmed XY)
Thank you for the generous words of appreciation :). This one is on the side-bar as it is one of the Blogadda picks 🙂
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