I am awed and impressed by those who write reviews. The aplomb with which they write on book/movie/music and the knowledgeable analysis of the same that they present has held me spellbound. Unfortunately for me, the words that spout freely and plentifully (when I blog), as if water gushing forth from a broken pipe that the municipality neglects to fix, dries up the minute the topic of a review comes up, like the tap that inevitably dies out on the Bollywood hero at the precise moment he has lathered himself liberally with soap suds from head to toe.
Now if you were to simply ask me whether I like something or not, you’d have got your answer in a jiffy. No dilly dallying, oh no Siree. In this, I would probably take the wind off the sails of the on-screen lawyers we see thundering ‘Yes or No?” at hapless characters put in the dock, who chafe under such restrictions and are dying to break free from narrow constraints.
Just for a moment, let us imagine that Mr. Lawyer is actually questioning me, in true Bollywood style. (Remember, all the answers given by me are in a ringing tone, audible clearly, except where otherwise mentioned.)
Mr. Lawyer: Is Ritu Lalit your blogger friend?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Do you know her debut novel is out?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Do you know it has been published by Rupa & Co?
Me: Yes.
Mr. Lawyer: Do you know it is called ‘A Bowlful of Butterflies’?
Me: Yes.
Mr. Lawyer: Do you know it is available at flipkart?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Do you own a copy of ‘A bowlful of Butterflies’??
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Has the author signed it for you?
Me: No
Mr. Lawyer: Hmmmm…. have you finished reading the book?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Did you like the book?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: Did you tell the author so?
Me: Yes
Mr. Lawyer: (unnerved at the opportunity not having presented itself for his thundering act, sips water to buy time and think of some new way to trip me)
All well so far. But Mr. Lawyer returns with more wind in his sails.
Mr. Lawyer: (resuming) Have you written a review of the book yet?
Me: (hemming and hawing) Errr… Ummmm…
The chance that Mr. Lawyer has been waiting for is right there and he sharpens his claws in anticipation of stealing the thunder or rather letting the thunder fall and thus win a thunderous applause for a performance expected of him.
Mr. Lawyer: This is a court Ms. Shail Mohan. No Errrs and Ummms. Please answer the question, Yes or No?
Me: (mumbles) mnogoodatreviews….. so I…
Mr. Lawyer: (in louder voice, very close to that thunder now) No one is interested in what you are or not good at. Just tell us, have you written a review, Yes or No?
Me: (smallest ever voice) Actually, I meant to…
Mr. Laywer: (exultantly gives in to the much awaited full-fledged thunder) YES OR NO?!
Me: (whispers) no.
Thunderbolts meant for you cannot be deflected forever. Now that the thunderous performance is over, Mr. Lawyer is thunderously magnanimous.
Mr. Laywer: (in gentle tomes) Can you please tell the court why not?
Me: (shamefacedly) I don’t know to write them.
Mr. Laywer: (raises eyebrows dramatically, accompanies it with derisive laughter taken up by onlookers) Ha! A likely story!
But this is not a story. It is truth, the absolute truth and nothing but the truth. Of course I am not talking of the fabricated scene above. I simply suck BIIIG time at writing reviews of books. You will not find a single one on Shail’s Nest though I read fairly lot. In fact you will not find a single review on anything, be it books, movies or music….anything at all. The one time I wrote about the one who makes me indescribably happy, I made a mess of things. I could only write about how I came across the musician and what his music means/did to me but nothing about the music itself.
One big hurdle for writing reviews is an undeniable fact, oft repeated, but nevertheless not something that can be swept under the carpet. I am different. Period. I notice things that no one ever does or deems important enough. That sort of makes me shy away from this whole business of reviews. I have stopped trying to analyze why I like/dislike something because it definitely is NOT in the same terms of why the public does. I have my own reasons and till the time as I meet up with them Neptunians from my home planet, they are best left to my own self.
Sorry Ritu, you cannot call this a review by any standards, just a non-review. But lemme tell ya, I liked your book. Congratulations on your debut novel and wishing you the best on the second which I hear is already on its way. For those who want to read a review that does justice to the term and the book, I’d recommend that you read one by Tikuli, here and another by Athira, here.
Here is the book trailer video:
In the meantime, if anyone is taking classes on writing reviews or knows someone who does, please let me know. 
Shail's Nest 
Ha ha, what a lovely non-review!!! I don’t think I can do reviews either.. I end up putting too many of my own thoughts into it, rather than focussing on the book itself 😉
@Writerzblock,
Thank Q 🙂 Putting your own thoughts is good too. But I simply shy away from doing even that. 😛
Ah…i know what you mean. I can’t write a review either! The only review I ever wrote wholeheartedly was for “Life of Pi”, which again is technically a “non-review” 😀
I really don’t know how I managed to write the review of “I have a dream”, but well, blogadda demanded I write one, so like an obedient student, I wrote on. Honestly, it’s the crappiest review ever written about any book. People have been polite and nice to me in their comments though! 😀
@Scorpria,
You read Life of Pi? 🙂 Let me go read your non-review than 🙂
I so loved this one!! A refreshing change from the booooooring actual reviews. And this non-review managed to convey compact information – just right, without actually making the reader feel there is any opinion coming through. Nice! 🙂
@Ashwathy,
Oh wow. That makes me feel good 😀 One thing I feel is, no amount of anyone saying a book is good/bad/whatever is any good actually. People have different tastes and what’s interesting for one may not be for another. When anyone tells me a movie/book/music is good I immediately ask them what other movie/book/music they like, to get a general idea 🙂
@Shail, That’s also there 🙂
@Ashwathy,
🙂
rofl Shail this really made my day and woke me up from the dopey Sunday syndrome. Thanks for mentioning my efforts in review writing. It’s a pain :p I prefer to write mushy poems 😉
Great job here . Cheers!
@tikulicious,
Nice to see you here 🙂 Yeah, your review is a good job. If I were to write one, by the time I finish the book, I would have forgotten, what it was I intended to say about the beginning or middle of the book!
ROFLMAO! Loved your non review. Thanks, this saaass is different baaasss! Really different
@Phoenixritu,
Ahh the author laughed! 😉 Thank you. 🙂
LOL! Funny non-review! And I say that as a “recovering lawyer.”
@Madeleine Begun Kane,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. Lol, a recovering lawyer?? 😀
I love your limericks 🙂
Great review of your book, Ritu.
@abha, I agree, really creative
You know I have not reviewed any books nor read many reviews… I do believe in reading myself… and what appeals to me might not appeal to someone or the other way round… so if the topic appeals just go for it or give it a pass… judging and all that better left to critiques !
I’d rather be the common guy buying the book and reading it away
@hitchwriter,
I do read reviews by others to get pointers to books/movies/music, but I don’t write them. (It is like I write poems, but rarely read them 😛 ) I NEVER let the reviews influence my decision to read/watch/listen or buy. After all I am I and my tastes can be expected to differ. 🙂
Nice non – review !
@Aathira,
Thank you 😀
I dont think I am that good to write a review of a book, especially when written by people from whom I have learnt to write , whatever i manage ..
But i liked this non-review 🙂
Bikram’s
@Bikram,
Thank you 🙂
Shail, this non-review is plenty to get Ritu Lalit a ton of fans:):) I’m definitely checking out her book:)
@Kala, Me likes this
@Kala,
Do check it out 🙂