Recently there was an activity in a group I belong to, where each of us had to write a few lines (positive only) about another member of the same group. The assigned person for each was chosen randomly by picking a number. The whole thing of course had to be done anonymously. The write up was then posted by the designated person in the group on New Year’s Day for all to read.

When I saw my name and what was written beneath, I couldn’t help but smile and think up responses in my mind.

She says it like it is.
Mostly, yes. So guilty as charged.
She is always cheerful.
To a fault. Someone once snarkily, with an obvious sideways glance at me, remarked that “Some people smile for no reason!” So yeah, guilty.
She is very fair in her interactions.
You definitely got that right sistah. I abhor unfairness. Guilty, yet again.
She is an excellent writer.
Er… Umm… Now that is really not up to me, but the readers whom I kind of torture with my written word. Still, I thank you, unknown sister for saying it.
Her integrity stands out.
You noticed? I am thrilled and with good reason too. Integrity sells for peanuts always. Not many around who admire the quality or understands it, I assure you.
She may not realise the positive influence she has on others.
Hmm….You are right. I am actually very sceptical about any positive influence I have on others. Why are people always advising ME if I have a positive influence on them?!!! Sheesh, doesn’t make sense, does it?

And then I stopped in my tracks. Figuratively speaking, that is. If you must know I was already seated at my desk. Anyways, the next line read:
She is a leader.
Huh?
Wait.
WHAT?????!!!
No way!
Not again!
You see, this definitely was not the first time I was hearing this (to me) nonsense.

Let me take you back ages and ages ago to the time I was born. My paternal grandfather, who fancied himself an amateur astrologer of sorts, wrote my horoscope in the mode of the times, on coconut leaves. I still have it somewhere among my things. (The horoscope till the age of two only because beyond that could be written only after the child crossed the age).

I don’t really have memories of my paternal grandfather he having left for his heavenly abode much before my memory cells started firing up and recording everything around, which if you must know was when I turned three. Whatever he wrote, and said about the future me per se, was repeated over and over by other family members over time and is sort of imprinted in my head. The gist of it : I’d grow up to be someone like Captain Lakshmi. Brave and fearless. A leader.

I don’t blame you if you are laughing right now. I myself do, remembering my grandfather, supposed to be a man of temper but sold on his granddaughter being someone brave. How much more sweeter could it get?

The thing is, in each period of time in history, there are famous persons who are role models to others. And when anyone wants/thinks a child would grow up to be someone special, they take the name of one of them. Captain Lakshmi was my grandfather’s choice, a woman revolutionary of the Indian independence movement, an officer of the Indian National Army, no less. Poor man. I bet he had no idea how wrong his prediction would turn out.

You see, right from the word go, I was afraid (still am of quite a few things) of practically everything under the sun, roaches, mice, lizards, spiders, thunder and lightning, heights, deep water bodies, people who shouted, my parents when they were angry, the moustachioed school master twirling a cane, senior students in school, my maternal uncle, people who’d ask me to sing a song or recite a poem, my maternal grandfather who was a sort of Hitler by nature, cows left unattended on roads who shook their head at me… you get the picture.

A dreamer. That was me. I loved books and music and to be left alone to daydream. I could daydream for hours together. I assure you though, in none of them dreams did I ever see myself as a ‘leader’. A dancer? Yes. A singer? Oh yes. A library full of books? Definitely, yes. All the clothes I wanted? Yes. Travel? Yes, yes, yes. To draw and paint. Oooh, yes! A leader. Never ever.

The other day I met a friend from childhood days. ‘Chechi, you were our leader!’ he said reminiscing of the good old days we spent together as neighbours. Huh? Come again. I couldn’t believe my ears. Then there was the doctor, who also happened to be a counsellor, who asked me out of the blue if I had been a leader in my younger days. Huh? Or had I done any leadership courses? Of course not. Why would he think so? Frankly, I don’t remember ever being even a class leader in school!

Mind your own business and stay out of everyone’s way used to be my motto. Still is, as a matter of fact. In my own home though, things are different, and that’s the only place mind you where I take charge. (On my blog too, by the way!) But put me in any other place or situation and you’ll find me in a corner patiently waiting for someone else to ‘lead’. If you lived inside my head, which you obviously don’t, you’d have known this sooner and I wouldn’t have had to write this long essay.

And yet people think I am ‘leader’ material. Nothing mystifies me more.

©️ Shail Mohan 2025

Ha. Here I am, back to writing a typically Shailish too long blog. Don’t raise your hopes too high though. The next one might be only five sentences long or just fifty five words for all I know 🙂 And on that note, I wish you all a happy new year. A tad late, I know. But better late…. ahh you know that already. 😉