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Mother’s day euphoria hasn’t died down yet. So it is not surprising that I came across a poster on Facebook that gives the story about a son brought up by a single mother, who it seems wrote his mother’s name against the column that asked for the father’s. There is more. The mother on seeing that sheds happy tears. His mother could not have asked for a better gift, it goes on to say. Oh what a reward! My life has been made. End of story.
How many of you went ‘Awww…’ on reading that? Did the story move you?
Not me. It pissed me off, royally. Catch me shedding happy tears because my son called me Father, for whatever reason. In that mother’s place though, I would have shed tears, but for a different reason altogether: for my failure to have taught the son an important lesson, that a woman’s worth is not measured in terms of man.
Mother and Father are words indicative of difference in gender of parents, and should not be representative of the roles they play or the duties they perform. The male parent is called Father, the female parent is the Mother. That’s it. Fathers who cook or do household duties do not become mothers. They still remain fathers, fathers who do housework or fathers who cook perhaps, but still fathers. Mothers who work outside home and earn don’t become fathers. They remain just that, mothers. Mothers who have a career outside the home, mothers who earn or some such, but nevertheless, mothers. Even those fathers and mothers who do all of the parenting single-handedly, still remain either a Father or a Mother, not both.
Now we come to the implied elevation in status by comparing a woman to man. Some time back there was a hue and cry because the actor Priyanka Chopra’s parents said of her, that she is like a son to them. Such a shame actually. Why isn’t she just the daughter? Pray what’s wrong with being a daughter? Why was it said of her, ‘like a son’? In fact I have heard MANY parents repeat the same of their own girl children or about other girls they know. Earning, taking care of work that involves going out, fetching and carrying heavy things, all these when done by daughters entails parents sighing and dramatically announcing that their girl child is like a son to them.
Do you think these girls were special in any way? Do you think other girls would not have been able to do the same work? Of course they also could do the same things. When your mother sends only your brother to the corner shop to get onions, it is not because the shopkeeper will not sell you onions or because your legs won’t carry you there. Your parents have been conditioned to believe that going to the shop is a boy’s duty. And then when one day your brother has gone away to college or something, with no one around your parents want you to run to the shop, start doing all of the same things your brother had been doing. How do they reward you? They tell you, you are like a son to them. More importantly what would you do on hearing that? Simper proudly (like the mother in the story) or roar like a tigress at the insult? Okay, don’t roar, but would you at least explain to them how that is an insult?
I have two sons who cook, tidy up, serve. I don’t call them daughters, not because I consider it demeaning, but because I don’t believe these are jobs only daughters should be doing. If I have been asked once I have been asked hundreds of times in the past why it was that I was the one supervising school work of our children, how come the L & M was tidying up the house? Other males in my extended family snigger when they see him making the bed, stating you wouldn’t catch them ever doing what he does, as if that somehow makes them more of a male than he is. Another thing is how everyone thinks that disciplining the child is the father’s forte, pampering is the mother’s. And all I can ask is, ‘Says who?!’
None of us of either gender are born with roles assigned. Roles were assigned by the humans before us (no God does NOT enter the picture), not infallible ones at that, but pretty ordinary ones, people like you and me, who divided work according to what suited them best at the time. They are not rigid or unbreakable that we should treat them as sacrosanct and continue following them religiously. Besides a lot of them are just plain stereotyping being touted as veritable truths by the token of having been repeated more than a thousand times. (Men don’t cry, men cannot multi-task, women cannot drive/park, women are best suited to cook and take care of home, women are ambiguous, men come to the point, and the biggest lie of them all, that men don’t gossip) But when you in the present times do not question, only reiterate such preconceived roles again and again, at the same time projecting yourself as modern (pray, in what respect?), you are left standing at the same old spot where your previous generation stood, treated the same way, a woman whose glory comes from being compared to man. Is that what you want?
Shail's Nest 
I agree to your point of PC’s father calling her his ‘son’.
As for the mother’s case, rarely does any application asks for mother’s name. The boy did right because his mother also stepped in for a father figure and he just could not think of any other name. I see it as a wrong in the system where people are asked for Father’s name instead of a parent’s name rather than what entails being a father or a mother.
The system is wrong, but such posters are not going to help change it. Period. Besides, you very well know this is not about forms or names, it is the sob value of a single mother having done a father’s work that is the topic of the poster. And THAT is what I am talking about too.
When we are at it let me also tell you I object to being asked my guardian’s name. Guardian? An adult like me?!! Yes, I am supposed to give my husband’s name or if not my father’s name in the column. Is there a bigger insult?! And also those countries that ask for a written NOC from the husband for the wife traveling on her own before they issue a visa.
I agree on the guardian / husband /father part. As if women cannot live without one of them! bah!
Agree agree agree….especially when you say “Roles were assigned by the humans before us (no God does NOT enter the picture), not infallible ones at that, but pretty ordinary ones, people like you and me, who divided work according to what suited them best at the time.”
so so so true!!
Times have changed. We don’t travel by bullock carts, but we have to stick to the roles of yore 😉
“Our daughter is like a son to us”, this statement had no meaning for me except that their daughter must have made them proud, till now.
Now this simple statement feels so demeaning.
Thanks for sharing this perspective with us ignorant readers!
Great work maam!
Thank you, Ketan and welcome to Shail’s Nest 🙂
I can see your point, Shail. Some gender biases are so deep rooted in our society that they will require steady and constant work to uproot.
indeed. But first people should have the willingness to question/examine. Now that’s the most difficult part.
Actually this can be viewed as symbolic, a child does not understand gender roles well. So, when a child looks at other children with two parents, he associates traditional roles with certain actions. So, this is his way of showcasing acceptance. Is it problematic? Yes.
But, this is a child. He will learn in the future as time passes
The problem is, this is not a child, but adults who are making up this kind of stories with children as protagonists. 🙂 They think it will get shared on Facebook and sure enough people do, without thinking, or even believing it 🙂
But, the character is a child. I do not think the author should be held responsible for trying to portray the innocence of a child and their naivety about certain subjects. It is one thing to expect people to have knowledge about such things, it is quite another to ask them to make their characters follow the same ideology to become more politically correct.
Don’t get me wrong, I know where you are coming from, and the fact that one who assumes responsibility is suddenly to be termed “Father” might be wrong in the feminist sense. But, taking into account what the story depicts, it is sensible
Sorry, I will disagree. As a story-writer I do know that characters do not follow, should not follow, the ideology of the creator. 🙂 But I don’t consider Facebook posters to have any objective other than garnering shares by touching an all too ready to be touched chord 🙂
The point here was NOT the innocence or naivety of the child, but the mother accepting that as the best gift she got and also the many woman who seemed to think being compared to the father was such a great thing. Anyway, it is okay if you don’t see it as that, because this is how I see it 🙂
Facebook has it’s own sort of content creators and they should be allowed their own artistic freedom don’t you think? I think you undermine the entire artistic community when you say that a post serves no other purpose other than garnering likes and shares. Even if it is “only” for publicity, that does not diminish the artistic statement of the creator.
The mother’s character can also be interpreted in many ways. Traditionally the father figure is seen as the guardian (Most forms have “Father’s Name/ Guardian’s Name” as field to be filled up) so, I think it might be a statement of acceptance that the child offers, and that is enough for the mother. A mother can be happy with every small achievement of the child can’t she? And the fact that he resolves within himself that he does not need another parent, that his mother is adequate for filling both the roles, is a huge achievement in the psyche of the child. I am sorry but, I have to disagree with you 🙂
Oh wow, so Facebook content creators should be allowed their artistic freedom, but when I exercise my freedom to write about the so called art, I am ‘undermining’ them? Lol. That’s rich. You are merely stating the obvious in your comment while my post starts where what’s obvious ends. If you are not able to see that, (once again) lets agree to disagree.
Even I have often been said that I am like the “son” of my parents :-X And it does feel like an insult rather than a compliment.
Ahh, i can imagine that
I agree completely with the views expressed by you in this post.
However, I think you’ve overreacted to the story of the boy who wrote his mother’s name against the column that asked for the father’s. Before you pick up the revolver :-), let me state that I disagree with the person(s) who went gaga over the story as well.
There are so many possibilities in this story that one could write a long post about it.
I think any change in attitudes can be brought about slowly. For example, you have brought up your sons to have no gender prejudices. Hopefully, they will carry this forward to their wives and children.
Hopefully, some of your relatives and friends, and readers of your blog will be influenced positively into changing themselves. Hopefully, they will carry this forward to their spouses and children.
I’ve explained this in my post “Can India ever be clean? … Yes!” at http://proactiveindian.com/2013/07/25/can-india-ever-be-clean-yes/
Frankly I have not understood what your comment tries to convey (I have understood your comment itself). This post is exactly part of that slow change you talk about. So what’s ‘over-reacting’ about it?!
I agree with your reaction to the people who are going gaga over the story.
If the story is fiction, I agree with your reaction to it.
If the story is true, I think you have over-reacted to the story itself because there are many possible reasons for the boy writing his mother’s name against the column that asked for the father’s. Sometimes, we tend to read too much meaning into others’ actions. Sometimes, we see meanings where there aren’t any.
Lol, I have seen a lot of this sort of argument, where it goes back to the authenticity of the story, the reasons why the protagonists did what they did which actually have no bearing on the point being made. 🙂 This is something I have in my topics to blog about and I will one of these days 🙂
How about telling me what you think are the possible reasons why a child would do that?
From the information given, it’s not clear whether:
a. the woman’s husband passed away, or
b. they divorced, or
c. they parted ways before marriage, or
d. she adopted the boy as a single mother
If ‘d’, the boy most probably doesn’t know his father’s name. If ‘c’, it’s possible, maybe likely, the boy doesn’t know his father’s name. If only Father’s Name was asked for, he may have decided to interpret ‘Father’s Name’ as ‘Parent’s Name’ and then written the name of his mother as she is the only parent he knows. This could be a practical and unemotional decision, or it could be a decision motivated by love for and gratitude to his mother. If the latter, he may or may not have had a desire to make a statement to the world.
If he knows his father’s name, he may have decided there’s no point in writing the name of a person who is not a part of his life. This could be a practical and unemotional decision, or it could be a decision motivated by anger against his father (in case of ‘b’ or ‘c’), not by love for and gratitude to his mother.
Another possibility is his decision to write his mother’s name was motivated by love for and gratitude to his mother, but without any desire to make a statement to the world about his mother being more important to him than his father.
Another possibility is his decision to write his mother’s name was motivated by love for and gratitude to his mother, and with a desire to make a statement to the world about his mother being more important to him than his father.
If the form asked for Father’s Name and Mother’s Name, he may have written his mother’s name against ‘Father’s Name’ by mistake and not realized it, or he may have done it by mistake and decided to leave it as it is for any one of the reasons given above, or he may have done it deliberately for any one of the reasons given above.
I did not want to post such a long comment (almost as long as most of my posts, longer than some of them :-)), but since you asked for the possible reasons …
Yes, I did ask you what the reasons could be because your comment made me curious. After reading your reply above, I have to conclude that you have NOT “read” my post at all. Sorry. I have usually found your comments very insightful and rational. But here none of your points have ANY relevance to the topic of the post. Take this point for example: “If the form asked for Father’s Name and Mother’s Name, he may have written his mother’s name against ‘Father’s Name’ by mistake and not realized it” Seriously, are you making fun of me?!!! You read this post and come up with these irrelevant reasons?!!!!
Anyway, thank you for responding. I will not be responding to any further comments on this topic from you.
Agree with the point you make. But I have the same issue that Bindu has mentioned. Why do these forms mention father’s name only. What if I am filling the form? I normally scratch it and write my name after writing mother’s name there. I think this society needs to be more sensitive and gender neutral when it seeks information and assigns roles.
There! You have said it Rachna. You scratch out the Father, write mother and then your name. That’s what works. Not the sob story that has a mother thinking the biggest gift she got on Mother’s Day was her son equating her to Father. In the latter situation we are catering to society’s elevating woman by comparing her to man. In your solution, you are stating who you are: the mother. Though I didn’t point that out, this is exactly what i would have expected that child to do.
Completely agree with you! And I also concur with the points that Rachna and Bindu have raised, about mother’s name not important enough to feature in any forms! Its a shame that we have contrived this system in such a way that it just suits the patriarchal mindsets!
There was a time when mother’s name did not feature anywhere. But now it does feature in the birth certificate, school certificate etc. But yes, we still have a long way to go in this matter.
Soul sister, Shail! I’m very proud to see my older son, a brand new father, handle his baby daughter with ease and joy, along with cooking and other housework, amd generally being an equal partner. I still wouldn’t call him a mother, of course 🙂
Well, at least you got the point. Soul sister indeed 😀
my dad always called my sis his son, I was a bad boy always .. even if it was her fault always ..
Thankfully in our household Women are held in esteem, and my grandmom and mother are respected like that .. All my accounts are joint with my mom .. and other than one house , rest everything is in my mom;s name ..
Here in UK .. BOth parents name are written on the Birth certificate of the kids .. it has father’s name and mother’s name .. I wonder when it will be in our nation ..
and also nowadays women dont have to take their husbands name too and it is happening mostly ..
and yes a mother is a mother is a mother IS A MOTHER 🙂
I think birth certificates now have names of both parents. School certificates certainly have. I was actually amazed to see my name on the school-leaving certificates of my children because in our times it was not so. So yes, we are slowly inching forward. 🙂
He should have given his ‘mother’ credit by scratching father’s name. She must have struggled to bring him up all alone. Ho pe his surname is his mother’s.
If fathers are involved in housework, the sons will join in definitely. All these years males never entered the kitchen, wash dishes, sweep the floor. Now, most of the men do it and so the sons have to follow them. With the girls also working full time now, most of the boys are helping their wives at home. Times have changed already, Shail!
Yes. If she struggled to bring him up she is a Mother par excellence. Why equate her with Father?. 🙂
Even in the older generation many men do housework. But they usually were/are ridiculed. I don’t think my husband ever saw his father doing any housework, but he and his brothers never give a thought to doing anything around the house. 🙂
Ah….facebook posts on Mothers day were quite cheesy indeed….I saw one which said a woman leaves behind her home, changes her name, gives up her dreams, destroys her body, lets her career take a backseat when she becomes a wife and a motherr…#respect….was what the post was tagged as….. and you wont believe the amount of likes and shares it had….Mothers day and womans day are days for the social media to put up sheesy stupid posts on gender stereotypes….don’t u think ?
Oh, I saw that one too. So many cheesy posters were being shared. But what amazes me (and makes me write about them) is the people who share it all on their walls. They claim to be forward thinking, modern young people, but in reality have the same regressive mind-set of yore. Are they willing to examine that? A million dollar question 🙂
I completely agree with you. No matter how educated a girl is she is judged by how well she cooks, how much of the household work she does, etc. But take a boy who has been educated the same. No one bothers whether he knows to cook or not. All that matters is the educational qualification. And if a girl something that is considered to be a boy’s job and it is something that benefits somebody excluding her then she becomes the “beta”. But is she does something that is considered to be a man’s job for her own good, then she looked down upon. Why these differences?
Welcome to Shail’s Nest, Reema. Yes, we see a lot of what you have described. When will this difference go away?!
Agree with you on this.
Lets not insult our parents or our children by typecasting them into molds that don’t fit them.
Gender stereotypes are so ingrained in us that most don’t see how insulting this is.
“So ingrained” “don’t see how insulting”
Yes. In fact they will go off on a tangent, but sidestep the issue.
Well said! Can’t agree with you more Shail! It is up to each of us to break out of the moulds we have been forced into. Not hard if we want it strongly enough. A supportive spouse helps….a lot 🙂
Indeed it is up to us, I agree, ‘if we want it strongly enough.’ Yes!
equating daughters or even daughter in laws to sons is an insult but then there are some old school thought people who don’t understand this and that is what the battle is all about.
Yes. Add addressing Mother as Father to that list.
hah thank god I’m not the only one who saw red, scrath out father , write mother or better still parent and put the mom’s name. so simple eh…
I’ve heard the ‘ she’s just like a son, like a man’ being said to my mom when i did something non-traditional and made them oh so proud !!!! i get very angry, I’m a woman, i have breasts and curves and most important i gave birth to 2 kids, now show me 1 man who can birth children . Do not DO NOT compare me to a man. encourage my accomplishments, be proud but as a daughter not a son…
MR, I am glad you could see what this post was about. 🙂 And I hear you, loud and clear.
You have hit the nail on the head with this post, Shail! A lot of people do not think much when making these kinds of statements without realizing that it’s pretty senseless!
And as you can see, the point of the post went right above the heads of some. As usual with such comments, the points raised had nothing to do with the point the post conveys, which was simple: “respect and appreciate a mother as a mother, not by calling her ‘father'”.
Thank you, Roshni.