Accept a simple fund transfer to my account, that’s all I asked of the stupid bank. But when the sender tries transferring the money, the bank’s database spits out the message: “The payee name you entered does not match with the name present in our bank records. Please be sure before you proceed.”

Of course the sender is sure, He, unlike the bank, is not a moron. He knows my name and has typed it correctly. With this message popping up in his face, he has checked and even double checked. But to no avail. There apparently is no one by my name in their records. Helpless, he sends me a mail with an accompanying  page print.

How can that be, I put the question to the Lord and Master when he returned home. Is not ours a joint account?? Or has the bank forgotten to add my name??

The next day, a phone call reveals that yes, it IS a joint account and my name does exist in their records. Then what is the problem?? God alone knows, because the minions at the bank don’t seem to. What is the advice meted out?? The receiver (me) can please tell the sender, who then has to tell his local branch, who in case of any clarification needed can contact the local branch here, who will then say that they have approved the matter of the receiver receiving money.

Oh really?? How exciting and extremely easy and quick work all this looks! A veritable communication adventure.

Pardon me, when I opened an account with you (and you were supposed to do all your checking and approval sessions prior to opening that account for me) dear bank, my intention was not to twiddle my thumbs and let it remain idle, for your kind info. Bizarre as it may seem to you, I definitely had plans of using my account. Receiving and transferring funds was part of that plan too. Does that seem somewhat out of the ordinary to you, something no one does perhaps??!!

What I cannot believe is, now that your Lordships have approved that I am fit to receive money via fund transfer, you think it is MY job to do all the running around for the goof up on your side, eh?? !!!!!!!! Excuse me. You seriously don’t expect me to go the I tell him, he tells them and they tell yet another someone routine, do you?? The way you outline things, it will be much easier (and faster) for the sender to just walk into the nearest post office and send me a Money Order! Going back to the dark ages, are we?? Do I need your services for that??

I am damned if I do business with you in the future unless and until you pull your act together. I opted for net banking to get things done with a click, not spend time opening and maintaining communication channels inter-state. If there is something wrong with your database, the least you can do is buck up, rectify it and update it as also DO SOMETHING to get the transfer of funds done.

Of course an apology would be in order first. Imagine opening an account and a month later being told your name does not figure in the bank’s records by the damn thing you call your internet database while it does hold the name of the other holder, the L & M. If I did not know better I would accuse you of gender inequality. Adding insult to injury is the fact that you say the problem might be because the initials in my signature differ from that of my name on record. OMG, you really must think I am some dumbo to swallow that. Pray tell me, what does the letter that makes up my initial in my signature have to do with my name being or not being in your records??!!! And when you yourselves confirm that my name has been spelt correctly, how does my signature matter??!!

For your info, dear bank, I just called my other bank and they gave me explicit instructions to transfer that fund in minutes, even though it is not from a branch of their own bank. If that doesn’t work, there is always the option to avail the facilities at the Post Office, but certainly not at your stupid branch. Tchah.

Updated to add a relevant post from Scorpria:

Customer ser-vice: the icici way