I woke up from my deep slumber early morning today to find I had unexpected visitors. It turned out that there was only one of them, but the impression given by that solitary guest was there were a horde of them stomping around gleefully. Now, a word about myself: I am a very hospitable person. A more cordial host you may not find. Besides I love having company over, but I draw the line at guests who make their appearance uninvited and unwanted at unearthly hours when you are comfortably touring dreamland without so much as a by your leave and make themselves at home, especially so when they belong to the family of Heteroptera or Hemiptera and most definitely so when they illegally enter and occupy my ear.

One such bug, misguided and delusional, with the spirit of a true pioneer sailing into uncharted waters, crawled into my left ear while I slept the sleep of the innocent. My brain, alert and sensible as ever, jerked me awake even as the intruder was at the gates. I tried frantically to preempt the forward march of said bug. But my frenzied efforts went in vain for the bug by then was snugly ensconced in the cosy confines of my ear. It then proceeded, no doubt in celebration of successful entry into a human ear (oh what a story to tell the rest of the family of Heteroptera and Hemiptera) to tentatively try out a few steps of salsa or whatever dance form is common among the Heteroptera and Hemiptera family

“Wake up!!! Wake u!!!” I said urgently to the Lord and Master

No, I didn’t scream or shriek or do any such thing. Like a true soldier the L & M was up in a jiffy ready for action. He ran to get the light I wanted. Its dark in there little bug, come out into the light and go home to your Momma. But would it?? No. All it was interested in was doing a few more dance steps with its many legs making my skin crawl. Ewwwww. I controlled myself with great difficulty from screaming.

The bug meanwhile, the investigative kind that it was, went on the prowl. Let’s see what lies in the inner ear of Shail. So just like some humans who resist following the path of light but are drawn towards the dark and the unknown, the bug decided to delve deeper into the recesses of my ear and I went aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. There is a Mallu saying that goes, Ammaykku prasava vedana, makalkku veena vayana. (Loose translation: While for the mother it is the labor pains, for the daughter it is playing the veena). Technically speaking neither was I in labor nor was the bug my daughter, but you know what I mean. The bugger was jauntily exploring while I writhed in pain.

The insensitive and selfish little brute that it was, not a whit did it care This was getting too much for me. Invasion of personal space is not something I take to kindly, not from homo-sapiens and definitely not from anyone belonging to the family of Heteroptera or Hemiptera. The bugger of a bug was not listening to reason or rather seeing the light the L & M was helpfully holding for it to find its way out.  The inquisitive bug seemed to have bitten the bug badly. No turning back when the mysterious darkness that was Shail’s inner ear beckoned. ‘Onward’ seemed to be the only mantra that the bug had ears for.

I realized drastic measures were needed to dissuade the Marauder Bug. The ahimsa way was not working (Sorry Bapuji) and opting for himsa seemed to be the only recourse I had. So off the L & M went to warm up some oil. Tchah to you bug, I thought, mentally sticking out my tongue at the Bug Aggressor, see how you are going to like having an oil bath. The duly warmed oil was poured and the B****** Bug now started doing the Shiv tandav in the confined space of my tiny ear making me go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh again. The L & M looked on anxiously.

Like the candle that blazes into a brighter flame just before being extinguished, so had that mad caper been fortunately so the last dance of the Invader Bug before it breathed its last. Thereafter merciful silence reigned. But the bug had the last laugh after all, because though we waited and waited, the bug just hung on and refused to flow out of my ear with the oil that had drowned it making my ear and surrounding areas ache.

“I want a doctor!!! I want a doctor!!!!” I clamored and the L & M obliged.

Off we went riding the Fiero into the sunset… errr… no, actually to the hospital and to the ENT specialist. One look and the doc found the Offender Bug tenaciously sticking to his position even in death. He had to be forcefully pulled out with those pincers of his. And I went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh for the third and final time. The oil-soaked Bug that Bugged, the intrusive illegal occupant, was at last evicted and duly laid out for display making the L & M’s eyes widen in surprise at its size. Phew what a relief to be the sole owner of your ear-space.