Unfortunately not everyone can sing. Sadly enough not everyone who attempts singing can match a pitch. Lastly, and saddest of all, those who cannot match a pitch are totally ignorant of the fact that they are singing out of tune. That’s a really harsh truth.

We come across the last category a lot at informal parties and gatherings. Interestingly, they are those who when they get hold of the microphone, stick to it like leach. It is almost impossible to prise it off their hands. They insist on singing – assaulting the sensitive ears of listeners would be a better way of putting it – song after song, oblivious to the murder most foul of music that’s being perpetrated by them. Meanwhile, it is all I can do to not cover my ears with my hands and and cry out, “Shut up! Please!”

Believe me, I have wanted to, multiple times. Only my good upbringing and iron self control has stopped me from doing so. Still I am afraid one day I might do it on reflex, without actually thinking because that is how painful out of tune singing is to me.

Sigh.

Incidentally I have come to understand that it is not entirely their fault. The ability to match a pitch evidently is genetic to a large extent. I learnt of it when I did a DNA test and learnt that I have the ability to match a pitch. It said so right there in the report. Uh-ho, I remember thinking on reading it. That would mean there are people who cannot match a pitch too.

By the way, this simple logic that if we can do something, there will still be others who cannot escapes most people. Look, they’ll say, I can do it. Or, I learnt this. So why can’t you? I find this the most stupid kind of attitude. You are you and I am I. Your strengths may not be mine, my talents may not be yours. But no, most of the world functions on the assumption for example that if they like a song, then it is liked by everyone else. Gah!

Anyway, I have digressed. Nothing new there. Getting back on track.

I was saying that our genes seemingly play a significant role in our ability to match a pitch. Hmm.. That means I must needs cut some slack and not go around saying unkind things like ‘shut up’ to those who sing out of tune. Not that I have ever done so, not yet, mind you. But I have come close, very, very close. It is sort of an involuntary reaction, this wanting to stop tuneless singing (Can one even call it singing?!). Pronto. You see, I find it extremely, painfully unbearable.

Does this reaction too have a genetic background to it? I have no idea. Even if it does, how many would actually understand, accept or forgive me? None, I am afraid. So I have only one option. I need to resort to that iron self control I mentioned earlier whenever I hear out of tune singing. If I can remove myself from the premises, well and good, I can leave quietly.

If not….

Clench those fists, Shail. Grind your teeth (The dentists can easily replace the worn out caps of my molars). If that too doesn’t help, bite your tongue and not let that cry of agony at the murder most foul happening, escape your lips. Yup. That’s the only way out. Bear it stoically. Grinning though, is optional.

©️ Shail Mohan 2024