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My friend Cat Ruchi, wrote a post detailing ten things she learned about herself. Oh, don’t you worry. I am not planning to do the same (and bore you all in the process) since I have already done that, written twenty-five random things about myself back in 2009. In Ruchi’s post the last of her points is about what she thinks of herself as a writer. I was intrigued as what she thinks was so different from what I do of myself.

Even after writing close to one thousand four hundred and fifty plus posts (so says WordPress) here at Shail’s Nest and some more really depressing stuff in the name of poetry on a different blog, I am like the actor of long standing who feels jittery just before her next performance. Never mind that she has stepped on stage and faced the audience countless times before, she still gets cold feet before every show. Her palms sweat, heart beats faster, she’s afraid she might croak when she opens her mouth to say her lines. The same sort of nervousness grips me too before I hit the publish button on a post while blogging.

Substandard. Who wants to read this stuff anyway? Why am I even doing this? I should just forget about it. There’s another part of me that says, ‘Turn away now and you’ll never have the courage to make another post!‘ In my heart I know the truth in that latter statement. If I stop now, I’ll make that a habit, let doubt take the upper-hand and control me, prevent me from writing even. So I tell myself, or rather the first voice, ‘May be bad, but I am gonna post it anyway.’  Then I steal myself and hit ‘publish’. This happens every single time without fail.

Like Ruchi, I too go back and read some of my old posts, sometimes because someone mentioned something about it,  other times because I am searching for something and at still other times out of curiosity when Facebook throws up posts as ‘memories’. Not all of the old posts make me happy.  There are those that make me cringe, ‘What was I thinking?‘ and others that make my jaw drop, ‘I wrote that?!!!!! Like really?!!!!!‘ I know both kinds and those in between are all my work, but it happens all the same, this cringing and jaw-dropping.

Now to the question. Do I consider myself a terrific writer? No. Will that stop me from writing? No. And as long as I write, will I garner enough courage and hit that publish button? Yes. That’s where matters stand as of now. 🙂

P.S. With that I come to the last post of #SeptemberMusings (which has extended one week into October!). Thank you for reading and commenting (and liking). Till the next post, then.

©Shail Mohan 2018 

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