Tonight I am going to kill her. It is a matter of survival. Before she annihilates me, I have to move in and silence her, forever. Do you think it is easy taking the decision to end her life in this manner?? She is after all my essence. She has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. With her gone something will definitely die within me. I shall probably be a living corpse. Life, they say is precious and matters to each of us. By those rights, mine should for me, doesn’t it?? Hence, I have to kill her, to just go on living, a living corpse or not. It is just a matter of survival.
It is not as if I haven’t tried to tell her what was what. I have and a number of times at that. I have lost count of the times that I told her not to be so bloody naïve. Don’t. The things we believed in once upon a time do not really exist. I know our dreams were one and the same once upon a time. Stay within the security of the fortress I have built for us, I begged her. Do not cross the magic fence that I painstakingly built that singes and sometimes kills anyone who dares attempts to make the crossing. Yet she wouldn’t heed my words.
Today she sits staring into nothingness with vacant eyes, eyes that no longer have any tears left to moisten them. Why wouldn’t she remember my lessons?? Why did she have to be hurt again?? Why wouldn’t she stay within the stone walls of the fortress I especially built for her?? Why wouldn’t she thumb her nose, like I had taught her, at the hand that was held out to reach her?? What made her stretch her hand to meet it, in spite of my repeated warnings??
I tried to lessen the suffering with words of wisdom, of another lesson learnt, of staying within the walls and never venturing out. The words were meant for both of us. But it did not work. This time it is tougher. The wound is too deep that even words of wisdom don’t reach its painful depths. She hurts too much and I hurt worse.
Does she know how I feel watching her bruised and battered self from that incursion into that world outside our fortress?? What magic balm do I have to soothe her?? None. What magic balm do I have for myself?? None either. This unbearable pain is killing me surely and certainly, along with her.
I cannot let her kill me. Don’t I have the right to live?? Live without pain clawing at my insides?? Don’t I have the right to escape this molten sea of lava that rages, in which I am forced to swim, scorching my entire being?? I want to live, I have to live, survive somehow or other. hence, I have to kill… her. I have no more choices.
Tonight when she sleeps the sleep of the innocent as only she can, I shall throttle her and be free of her and her hurt ….at last. Yes, tonight I kill myself so that I can live.
The She*: Call her what you will, innocence, sincerity, spontaneity, love, whatever…. Sometimes you have to kill, die, simply to survive.
Edited and re-posted from sulekha.com where it was first posted with the title ‘The Murder’