Tears and I have a strange relationship. They play really hard to get. They abstain from making an appearance when you normally would expect them to flow along smoothly. Nope. They don’t come easily like it does to others. Not when I watch the most moving movies or read books which I practically live in while reading them. The same movies, and especially the books, affect me enough to feel lost in the ‘real’ world I am living in. They fill me with varied emotions that I have to practically fight to stay focused in the here and now. But even the best of them fail to turn on the taps.
Rarely ever (or never) is crying an option I have considered when anyone falls sick or even when I hear of death. A curious detachment comes over me at the time, as if I am merely a watcher, a recorder of the event. I have mused on it. It is as if whatever has happened or is happening does not reach me, not deep enough, at least not at the level it moves one enough to shed tears. I have asked myself many times if I would ever cry if I were to lose the really close ones and the answer always comes back in the negative. No. Tears, it seems to me, is not my way of mourning a loss.
Did I hear someone use the word unfeeling?
Perhaps I am. I won’t dispute you of you do. I certainly won’t give such a nature as mine the much ‘glorified’ name of ‘strength’. My belief is it certainly is NOT. Strength is the ability to show emotions, not hide them securely under a neutral face. That concealing according to me is a form of cowardice. It requires a really strong heart to look within, accept what is visible there and also express it fearless of the possible reactions or repurcussions. So then am I a coward who is unwilling to look at some dark corner that holds the reason to my inability to cry? I know not, not yet anyway. For now, I just know that SOME things don’t reach the core of my being (having been stopped somewhere at the outskirts of the city gates so to speak), not enough to disturb me to flush out my tear ducts.
In spite, I feel ‘unfeeling’ would be a wrong word to describe me.
Some things, and some of them the most unexpected or unusual, do make me cry. Show me someone who sings exceptionally well, especially children, and I fight hard to stop myself from bawling my heart out. This does not happen when I listen to songs on the radio or an iPod etc. The saddest of them won’t move me to tears. I simply lose myself in those very songs and enjoy listening to them. But give me a live show, where someone is singing to an audience and then watch me struggling to hold back those tears.
There is another thing that moves me to tears: Nature in all its glory. Rugged, brown mountains, or the endless blue rising and falling in waves, the green spreads and the canopies over me, water meandering along in crystal clarity, dodging the impediments in its way and chattering all the while, dark clouds winning the battle with the sun, or the sun coming out after incessant rain, vast open spaces, the birds flying free in the sky or pretty flower growing among the rocks…. These and like things constrict my heart and make me want to cry even as I feel so indescribably happy. Of course I never do that, naturally so, the presence of others deters me. I smile and talk instead, saying a hundred inane things to cover up the fact that Nature’s beauty has just turned me to a puddle of mush.
Crazy? I have never doubted that I am.
Who else would want to burst into tears when praised? I knew a girl once, who in fifth grade burst out crying when the teacher appreciated her for being the topper. It was not as if it had been a special achievement. She was always at it and the teacher was merely appreciating the fact. Well, I am sort of her clone, except that to prevent myself from doing what she did, I have acquired a few weapons in my arsenal: nonchalance, cheeky rejoinders, indifference et al. Of course smiles and gracious acceptance (and joy) I picked up along the way. But, beneath it all the brine waits for a weak spot to burst forth. It is hell of a job to be constantly alert and reinforce those spots with the cement of iron determination.
Iron determination takes a solid beating when one has been ill, is physically weak and in pain. All it takes is for someone to come along and be solicitous for the dam to develop leaks. I have cried in front of total outsiders just because they asked me how I was feeling. The mortification of it all still makes me cringe after all these years. The most awkward times are when you cry for no reason while talking to someone you love and are conveying something or other that happened to you, which you probably have under control too.
I love the internet. I can keep my moods (and tears) my own over it. And yet here I am making a confession of it. Why? Today I wanted to tell someone that I had trouble holding back those tears even as I sent those cheery emoticons and thank yous. Once again the question arises, Why? You remembered, and you did this and this. For me. The tears were in thanks. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the support, help and affection, but most of all for the unstinting encouragement.
Santulan said:
And such is Ushu 🙂
Santulan said:
In a manner of speaking, the two of you deserve each other
Usha Pisharody said:
🙂
shail said:
Yes 🙂
wanderlustathome said:
Loved this one 🙂
Yes, nature in its glory, beautiful voice of young one….all the so called normal things leave my heart heavy. But then, my eyes well up for anything and everything that even passes me by 🙂
shail said:
Ahh…! 🙂 The L & M’s Aunt used to be like that. You just take leave of her and her eyes well up 🙂
Dagny said:
Unfeeling did you say? 😀 You know better, dont you?
shail said:
I do, Dagny 😉
Laxmi Chundi Addanki said:
The resemblance baffles me 🙂 I well up when I see others in pain. My own pain makes me see things in third person. Small things move me, painful things stone me. That was a beautiful post…psst…I read a quote about tears recently, and was kind of pondering over the same subject ever since :-))
shail said:
Hmm… one difference. I don’t well up when others are in pain. I am all strength and support at such times. People around would take me for a heartless being 😉
So when is your post going to be up? Waiting 🙂
Usha Pisharody said:
Thank YOU, Shail, for this 🙂 What more can one ask than that a teardrop expresses the unexpressed 🙂 My eyes grew moist as well 🙂
Unfeeling? You. Hahahahahaha!!!! I hope that conveys my disagreement. And not because of the tears that came either. I just know 🙂
Sigh. Feel good sigh. 😀
Tears and me have a close connection 😀 I guess in that sense I am the very antithesis of the person you describe – yourself. Senti senti me :P. A good book makes me cry. I cry at movies. Most of all, I cry when I get angry 😀 LOL. That has to be my utter undoing. That… all of that crying, I do not like about myself, but what the heck, that is the way I am 🙂
I’m still waiting for the next book 🙂
Santulan said:
Don’t remind me of the first book :D.. It was all so hush hush
Usha Pisharody said:
😀
shail said:
😉
shail said:
I love how you disagreed! 😉 In fact you made me laugh out loud too 😛
Crying when angry… the mortification! Yeah, been there, but have decided will never return 😉
The book, sigh yes! 🙂
Vivek said:
The reviews by Usha were spot on. Nice to have her on your side. As for tears being detached is a defense mechanism triggered unconsciously by most but consciously by you. That does not make you crazy. You are just trying to keep sane. 🙂
shail said:
Thank you, Vivek, ‘..trying to keep sane’. sounds better! 🙂
sridevi1974 said:
Such a lovely post this is and you have summed it up so beautifully 🙂 Tears or no tears , you are a beautiful , sensitive person and in the end that is all matters . The pictures you mentioned brought a lump to my throat too 🙂 Hugs 🙂
shail said:
Thank you for your lovely words, Sri 🙂 Hugs 🙂
kirti said:
“cry for no reason while talking to someone you love and are conveying something or other that happened to you, which you probably have under control too.”
DONE THAT , DONE THAT. I have done that with the person I love just because the person was willing to lend a sympathetic ear and try to understand me.
I used to be a very stoic person once but these days I am having overactive lachrymal glands.
shail said:
Yeah, sympathetic ears and understanding do tend to bring on the rains! 🙂 Looks like you are turning into a softie 😉
ashreyamom said:
i am just opposite.. i cry for everything.. after years, i have learnt to hold back my tears..
shail said:
You have company here! 🙂
hitchy said:
That is a beautiful post ! 🙂 Ushus is such a sweetheart 😀
Btw I must admit you are the first who I have heard saying she cries for the reasons you gave !!!! 😀
I generally never cry for any incident in real life… but movies !!! sigh… they bring tears to my eyes like anything ! I dont know why !
shail said:
I am, aren’t I? I knew it! Weird me 😛
Nowadays I am reading about quite a few men who cry at the movies! 🙂
Shilpa Garg said:
Such a beautiful post, Shail. Loved the way you have analysed! As for me, well, I can cry at the drop of a hat and sometimes even if the hat is in mid air! 😛
shail said:
Hahaha, I loved the ‘even if the hat is in mid air’! 😉
crunch said:
It’s much much harder to cry during such selective occasions than cry all the time 🙂 I used to be the ‘let it all out’ all the time type. While it did wonderful things for me when I was younger, I almost feel stronger now that I deal with most of these emotions sans tears. Unfeeling is hardly what one would think of reading your words. They convey more emotion than any drop of tear could. I’m moving to your side of the camp increasingly .. from having been on exactly the opposite side. It gives you an immense sense of control I think. And is hardly about weakness or lack of acknowledgement of emotions. It’s much much more liberating I think to calmly acknowledge and analyze your emotions and let the tears go only when something really really deep moves you. I think Indian drama, TV, movies and families have put immense pressure on us to ‘let it all out’. Having lived elsewhere most of my adult life now, I think this whole ‘let it all out’ is overrated.
shail said:
The less said about TV/films etc the better 🙂 Too much of drama, wailing and water-works. Thank you for the comment 🙂
76sanfermo said:
It’s an undoubtedly poignant theme , that of tears….
I still ignore the mechanism that triggers mine , though I’ve been thinking a lot about being controlled , unfeeling , or indifferent.
Your post is beautiful , by the way.
shail said:
Thank you. I ignored it for long too 🙂
seena said:
My tears never obeyed my heart. My eyes well up easily, even when I don’t want to cry. At those times, I keep telling my eyes to stop the nonsense, but it has mind of it’s own.
So I understand your tears are happy tears. Well, Kushi se bhari hui aankhen is more heartwarming than Gham se bhari hui aankhen 🙂 And tears to express Thanks makes the ‘Thank you’ much more than just words.
Congratulations on your first book ! Loved the cover of the book 🙂 Really want to read the verses too…
shail said:
Thank you, Seena. The cover was designed by my Second Born 🙂 I hope you like the verse too 🙂
Sandhya Kumar said:
No, you were never insensitive! People who love animals and nature, cannot be insensitive, Shail!
I am with you when you say that you get emotional when you see children sing well in reality shows! I get emotional too, watching them.
I can never speak without crying when people blame me for no mistake from my side.
When you have a soft-natured friend like Usha, I know that yours will be happy crying when you talk about her!
Very rarely we find good friends! Both of you are complementing each other…Nazar na lag jaaye, girls!
shail said:
Awww… thanks Sandhya 🙂 You are such a sweet soul!
wordssetmefreee said:
Beautiful post Shail.
I can relate to the some things …. children singing, their sweet voices rising up in the air – always gets me choked up. On the other hand, I’ve been known (when I was a child) to cry too easily – over every little thing. But then when my grandmother died, the tears wouldn’t come. I was so ashamed. I loved her so much. Everyone cried while I stood there feeling shocked, detached, my mind refusing to accept.
Now I don’t cry over ‘every little thing’ but unexpected kindness still gets me.
How we process things is so unique…..
shail said:
I can so relate to what you said about what happened in your childhood.
“How we process things is so unique…..” I couldn’t agree more with that!
Roshni said:
How lovely for you, Shail! Congratulations!!!
shail said:
Thank you, Roshni 🙂
phoenixritu said:
I cry as easily as I laugh, and funnily enough, anger makes me cry as easily as happiness and love does. I used to try and control it – but not any more. Such a cute post, loved it