Today my household help was telling me her story and something she said stood out and grabbed my attention enough to want me to write about it.
Her parents married her off when she was nineteen. A daughter was born to the couple within the year. For some inexplicable reason her husband decided that she should go in for a “family planning” operation soon after. She had been only twenty at the time. He succeeded in convincing her. Once the deed was done the no-good man left her to her resources and never returned. It was heard that this was his modus operandi. Marry, get the wife to sterilise herself then disappear. The ‘goodies’ the government promises/gives those who undergo sterilisation must have been what prompted his actions. So much for the baits!
About four years down the line, she met a man who fell in love with her. He married her knowing full well her past history. A couple of years into their married life, he changed colors and started throwing tantrums. I want a baby. That was the gist of his demand to his wife. Now the woman was in a fix. How could she conjure up a baby when she had already been sterilised? The man wouldn’t see reason. He would curse, rant and sometimes come home drunk and beat her up. The poor woman was at her tethers end when her mother in law stepped in. She had some questions, no, no, no; not for the DIL, but (Surprise! Suprise!) for her son.
Tell me something, do you want a wife or a child?
Both.
Hmmm….You fell in love with this woman and married her against our wishes, right?
Yes.
At the time you knew she could not bear children?
Yes.
(Pointing to the DIL’s daughter from her earlier marriage) Do you see that little girl?
Yes.
Like it or not, SHE is now YOUR child.
<silence>
Bring her up as your own. And put an end to all this nonsense.
From that day, the man never brought the subject up again. According to my helper, he has been a good husband and father, has taken care of her and daughter all these years. The daughter is now married and mother of two (12 and 8 years old).
What got my attention was the way the mother pulled up her son for his unreasonableness instead of blaming it all on the daughter in law, which is THE typical and most favoured way of dealing with things that we see commonly. How many mothers do you think will have the sense (and guts) to give the offspring a reality check in this manner? Unfortunately, not enough numbers. What the support-any-nonsense-the-son-says mothers or blame-it-all-on-DIL mothers-in-law don’t realise is the harm they are doing TO THEIR own SONS by their behavior. Honeyed words of support cannot ever take the place of a little plain-speaking when it is called for. It did not need education for this mother, a vegetable vendor by profession, to understand this truism.
Now, that is who I call a MOTHER. It is a mother’s role (also the father’s for that matter) to shape and discipline children. That duty gets over when children reach adulthood. But if at all the necessity arises, a true mother (or father) will not unfairly shield their children from truths that have to be faced and palm off blame on others. Sadly that is what we see in most houses. DILs take the blame for the sons’ actions. In her place some mothers would have rushed in to gloat and lend a hand in the family’s final disintegration. A new DIL is not hard to find, after all. There are foolish parents waiting to dump daughters. On the other hand this mother helped rebuild something that was about to break. This is my toast to the mother who by her simple words and judicious approach HELPED her son and his family.
Today she is no more. Her son is bedridden with some neurological problems. He needs help moving around in his own house. Guess who helps him when his wife is away trying to earn a living for both of them? It is the very same daughter from his wife’s first marriage, who he brought up as his own. Apart from looking after her own home (she lives close-by) she finds time to come over to check on her father, feed him and also shave his beard for him, her mother says, with tears in her eyes.
bigalittleamom said:
So heartening to hear about people like this, in any section of society!
shail said:
Indeed it is! 🙂
carvaka said:
What a remarkable and heartwarming story. Also, so much for needing a son to look after you in old age. I hope lots of people read this. Thanks for sharing.
shail said:
You are welcome Carvaka. I feel son-craziness exhibited by our populace is nothing short of utter madness. As per existing ways, they still have to get home a DIL to take care of elders. How many sons actually soil their hands with the nitty gritty of taking care of parents?
Indian Homemaker said:
Beautiful, inspiring story.
And I so agree with, //But if at all the necessity arises, a true mother (or father) will not unfairly shield their children from truths that have to be faced and palm off blame on others.//
shail said:
Thank you IHM 🙂
laharimikkilineni said:
I like yr maid’s mother-in-law.She is more educated than many mother-in-laws
Hrishi said:
Not educated.. Many educated people people act otherwise.. I think the words we should use for her are just/fair/true/having common sense etc.
shail said:
Absolutely right! And I am a huge fan of all those things, justice, fairness, commonsense et al. 🙂
shail said:
Educated i the true sense 🙂
Rachna Parmar said:
Lovely story! Very difficult to find such people around us.
shail said:
Indeed, they are rare!
Mysoul said:
My Toast too! May there be many more mothers like her.
shail said:
Amen to that!
Sajeevs blog said:
I salute that mother who took a great decision!
shail said:
She deserves it, especially when all around her people are so different.
Bhagi said:
This is called real parenting.
shail said:
Yes it is Bhagi! 🙂
R's Mom said:
isnt that amazing! loved to read this one
shail said:
Thank you R’s Mom 🙂
Vivek said:
A toast is indeed due!
shail said:
Yes indeed it is 🙂
Orange Jammies said:
What a wise soul. Bless her, wherever she may be. Loved that you shared this, Shail!
shail said:
Thanks OJ 🙂
Punam J R said:
“It did not need education for this mother, a vegetable vendor by profession, to understand this truism.”
and
“There are foolish parents waiting to dump daughters.”
said it all.
shail said:
Thanks Punam 🙂
Ash said:
What a touching story…. and hats off to the mother-in-law…. !
shail said:
Hats off to her indeed 🙂
phoenixritu said:
Common sense and logical thought is so necessary. Hats off to the old lady
shail said:
Wish there was some way to inject commonsense and logic into those totally devoid of it.
seena said:
Cheers to the woman who made the best of her role as a mother and an MIL and Cheers to you for sharing such a heart warming story.
I believe that a mother who truly loves her son would surely be a good MIL. The evil MILs just do the show – off of loving their son.
shail said:
//”I believe that a mother who truly loves her son would surely be a good MIL. The evil MILs just do the show – off of loving their son”//
i believe that too, absolutely!
BTW, welcome to Shail’s Nest.
Gulshan said:
I’ve often found
Wisdom profound
In my illiterate helpers
Who’re not complaining yelpers
“Deal with it”, is more often deed than sound!
shail said:
You nailed it with your limerick, Gulshan! 🙂
kenthinksaloud said:
A wonderful story which I hope a few of my readers will read as follow up to your post on MILs. I hear of, and experience, stories like this every day over here in Bangladesh where we are surrounded by poverty. Everything you mentioned happens all the time – the good and the bad. It amazes me both how cruel human beings can be to each other and how wise and resilient they can be in the face of stupidity and adversity. Inspiring post Shail! 🙂
shail said:
How true Ken. I have written about Saraswati (2 parts, yet to complete the 3rd) who is another inspiring soul that I knew.
~nm said:
Kudos to that MIL!
shail said:
Yes indeed 🙂
UmaS said:
Kudos to that lady who made all the difference in her DIL’s life !!!
And what contrast to my recent post !!!
shail said:
Kudos to her indeed. Will hop over to read your post 🙂
UmaS said:
Its such a pleasure to read your post Shail…have been missing this blogoworld terribly !!! Am taking my time to catch up with my fav blogs…hugs !!!
shail said:
Good to see you after a long time Uma! (I almost wrote Usha, missing her too) 🙂
gooseyanne said:
Great post. We have a saying in England `Do as you would be done by…`
shail said:
Thanks Anne. That’s a wonderful saying.
Ruchira said:
Such an inspiring read ! and very heartening !
shail said:
Thanks Ruchira 🙂
Smitha said:
So inspiring! Such a sensible and wise lady. And such a rarity. Here’s to more such women(and men).
shail said:
Yes, here’s to more like her, both men and women. 🙂
sos said:
Awesome and so heartwarming to read something like this
shail said:
Thanks. I felt so on hearing it. 🙂
metherebel said:
It is a very inspiring story!
shail said:
Indeed it is 🙂
ANILA NAIR said:
Very bold writing. Liked the blog very much. Thank you Shail. All the best 🙂
shail said:
Welcome to Shail’s Nest, Anila 🙂 and thank you. Errr… Have we met?
scorpria said:
This post made my day! 🙂 I’m so glad for all those people (who I don’t even know), for getting it right…and how! 🙂
shail said:
Thanks Priya. Indeed they got it absolutely right. 🙂
ashreyamom said:
great.. how i wish all MILs were sensible like her.. and help in integrating the family than disintegrating..
shail said:
Yes, when will people understand that disintegrating is a loss for all concerned?!
Anu said:
My deepest respect to the MIL, who in fact acted as a mother to both DIL and son! I would want to be like her and to the best of my abilities, will try to be like her. I’m so happy to know that such MILs also exist in this world!
shail said:
And an uneducated woman too. I truly admire her and the commonsense/logic she displayed! These are the people from whom we should learn 🙂