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I remember the afternoon as if it were yesterday. Sitting on the cold floor of my bedroom I had cried uncontrollably, heartbrokenly. Please, please let me overcome this, I said to no one in particular. Please let me not disintegrate, let me just have the strength to bear this. That’s all I ask. I don’t know who I thought would grant me what I asked for. I did not believe in the power of a God to wipe away the impossible situation I was in. I knew of no human who could help ease the unbearable sadness I felt. Holding secrets in my heart that I could not spill, I cried, that afternoon, for myself, for what I never had, and yet was losing.
After some time the sobs that wracked me gradually stopped, so did my tears. But my heart was unbearably heavy still. Something rising from my heart was stuck in my throat choking me. An innate desire to scoop out its contents and free myself from the pain took hold of me as if what caused the pain was something tangible. The tears welled again. But the intensity had dropped. Now they flowed in silent helplessness down my cheeks.
The sun shone outside in all the brightness of a sunny December afternoon. But it was setting in mine, bringing on an early twilight. For no reason at all the title of a book I had read long back came to my mind, constricting my heart, sending fresh waves of pain all over my battered body. If it’s not forever it’s not love. I had picked it off the shelf simply because I liked the title. Yes, I am a fool that way, a romantic fool who goes by what her heart says. This time my heart had gone down the wrong alley. I hated it for leading me astray like this.
The red kurti with tiny unequal-sized checks in beige that i was wearing was rumpled. I smoothed out its edges and started counting the tiny squares. I don’t know why but it is something I do when stressed, start counting. I remember the many fights with Raj, the late nights when I couldn’t sleep. I kept counting the seconds in my mind, obsessively, my eyes following the needle of the clock as it went on its round. 1-2-3-4-5. I wanted my ‘5’ to coincide exactly with the needle’s completion of five seconds. Then I’d start again. It went on and on, 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5 all night long till sleep finally, mercifully graced me. That afternoon, I counted the squares on my kurti, horizontally, vertically, tried to group them according to shade, size, looking for a pattern to emerge.
That’s another thing I do, look for patterns in everything. Where was the pattern in my life? There was none. Tears welled afresh. Once again a plea rose from my lips. Please take this decision out of my hand. I cannot bear this life of reliance any longer. I did not know what to do, so hoped something would happen, something that would free me from taking a decision myself. Probably someone somewhere heard it. Or perhaps it had just been a random happening and I am succumbing to the human tendency to attribute reasons to everything, connect totally unconnected events. Whatever it was, I rather think my pleas were attended to, by someone with a weird sense of humor.
The man who came at me hadn’t been drunk. He was driving safely and on the right side of the road. But he had a cardiac arrest. I happened to be standing in the car’s way as it swerved dangerously and came the wrong way, right at me. How long does it take for a life to change? Not very long, I found. Mine changed the very second I was banged against the concrete wall behind the pavement. Probably so did the lives of the man’s family members, for he died on the spot. As for me, I wasn’t going anywhere any more. Not on my own anyway. The decision was taken out of my hands. My life was going to be one of dependence, after all. From my bed it looked like one too long. I wished the nurse would soon finish with Raj and come move me to a new position. My back was itching.
Linked to 3WW CCLXVIII
Prompt words: kept, dependence, rumpled.
oldegg said:
I am sure like many this beautiful piece of prose will be read as a possible failed love story but what you have done is created a work of painful realisation that the narrators life has been shattered for ever. I liked the reference to Raj not revealing whether he was husband, lover or friend but leaving us to wonder. Stunning writing.
shail said:
I am overwhelmed. Thank you for the appreciation, Oldegg
Usha Pisharody said:
Underscore what is written above my words here. Stunning. And with just enough ends loose enough to reconstruct and make what one will out of it. That is the beauty of the story, of any story, that it lingers with you, and you want what you want, out of it… or the thought that something else could happen. Or that it is just right. To flesh it out, more, to keep coming back to it. One of the most poignant stories I have read in a long long lonnnggg time. Bravo Shail! The dexterity of your thoughts, your writing, your expression continues to amaze 🙂
shail said:
I love loose ends. They have so much to give rather than everything tied neatly and served as whole. The possibilities of interpretation has more attraction for me.
And like I wrote above I am overwhelmed by your comment too. Thank you. You know something, I never intended this one to be for this 3-word challenge, but the words fit in anyways 🙂
Deboshree said:
I don’t know what to say. This was a tale that has its heart in the right place. All the poignancy, the lost days and nights, the suddenness of life’s decisions… I could feel them all. How do you do it so easily, Shail?
shail said:
For once I won’t deny that it came easy, I just wrote it in one sitting. No pulling out of hair and leaving it half way to come back later and try again. But as for the ‘how’ of it, well, no idea really Debo! If only I knew…. 🙂
Deboshree said:
😀 Aha, so you don’t want to leak the trade secret. 😉
Keep it up, Shail.
Jae Rose said:
Yes, fantastically poignant ending Shail…I liked how she coped by using patterns as well..like figuring out the real via the abstract..Jae
shail said:
Thank you Jae. ‘Figuring out the real via the abstract’ sounds just right. 🙂
Sheilagh Lee said:
such depth of feelings in this piece you can feel the pain of loss and understand how the person is feeling about all that had happened.
shail said:
Thank you Sheilagh. Much appreciated 🙂
Random Musings by Swati said:
Beautiful as always Shail! Loved reading it
shail said:
Thank you, Swati. Sorry for the late response!
Random Musings by Swati said:
Beautiful as always Shail. Loved reading it.