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“Flattery and insults raise the same question: What do you want?” said Mason Cooley. Women receive both in abundance. So the question that should arise: What do they want? But is anyone asking the question? Very few it seems want to know the answer, especially not when it comes to flattery. It is all being lapped up so eagerly and happily by a substantial number of women.
Over centuries women have been fed a lot of gobbledygook which they have swallowed hook line and sinker. The worst of them is the flattery heaped on them, that they are this incredibly special breed of humans who are the sole repositories of qualities such as patience, caring, affection and the much touted of them all, sacrifice. Women pleased at being singled out for the honor, believed this to be true in their hearts and struggled hard to live up to the picture of themselves painted oh-so beautifully by those with a hidden agenda of their own.
For hidden agenda there definitely had to be. Somebody was surely benefitting from this arrangement and it definitely weren’t the epitomes of sacrifice so busy sacrificing. In Theophrastus words, “One may define flattery as a base companionship which is most advantageous to the flatterer.” Take note, to the flatterer, not to the flattered. The clueless women were playing into the hands of the true beneficiaries, the flatterers. They were those who put woman on a pedestal, sang paeans, and called her a Goddess. They knew they only had to invoke the supposed special abilities that woman (and only a woman) had, to get her to melt to a puddle at their feet and do their bidding. How convenient, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, this is still not a thing of the past. Even today we have men and women alike trying to make her believe she is this epitome of sacrifice who is (or should be) willing to sacrifice because she is a woman. That is the most ridiculous reasoning I have ever heard. Sacrifice, care, affection and a host of desirable qualities like them are not women-specific. They obviously are qualities every human can (and should) aspire for. I am sure there are a sizeable number of men offended by this unfair representation of facts. They not only have done their bit in the past but also sacrifice, care and show affection in the present, equally if not better than some women. After all, isn’t it an individual thing?
It is a shame that women are still being sold this concept again and again of they being the chosen ones to sacrifice, care and love. It is still more puzzling that there are women buying into this vison of themselves. Women, if you are smart, instead of melting and going all misty eyed at the mamta ki moorat, pyar ki devi and such drivel thrown at you, stop and take notice of what is being done to you. Liberate yourself from the necessity to fit into uncomfortable moulds created by others. Go ahead, love, care, show affection, if you want to, not because you are told that is your nature. If you feel sacrifice is a good thing, go ahead, do it, but ONLY if you want to. Let no one con you into believing that sacrificing is your very nature.
On this women’s day here is something from me: Promise yourself one thing, that you will not be so selfish as to hold on to these qualities as if they are your birthright. Be noble. Give others a chance too. Share. Allow others to do some loving and caring, graciously. Allow others too to sacrifice for you, gallantly. This Women’s Day if someone tells you that women are the epitome of sacrifice, look the moron person in the eye with amusement and ask, “Oh yeah? Nice try!”
Towards Harmony said:
Loved the post Shail! I was fuming this morning when I read Abhishek Bachan’s comment on ToI
“Someone asked why is there a women’s day and not a men’s day? My answer is women make sure that the rest of the year is men’s day by celebrating us. So one day in a year is the least we can do when it should be the other way round.”
I have been taught by society to live upto to the values of patience, caring and sacrifice and I fight them everyday and I succeed in being selfish, not caring and really impatient but I have to live with the GUILT that comes with defying what society taught me! Still working on giving up the guilt!
Your post definitely brought me a step closer! Thanks! 🙂
shail said:
Oh really Mr. Junior Bachan? So magnanimous. 🙄
Tell me about the lessons taught by society. It is so subtle and constant that most of us are unwittingly following them. When we fight it, we end up with feelings of guilt. Its a long way. I am glad this brought you a step closer.
shy said:
yes, me too join the party to the guilt trip. The conditioning is so strong in my system that every baby step is followed by a truck load of guilt. Fighting this demon is not easy..I rather fight and fail some, than just not try.
shail said:
The conditioning is extremely strong that we tend to be weighed down with guilt. Believe me, the journey hasn’t been easy, in spite of having always been a “questioner”.
Ruchira said:
Well said Shail. Very well said! The two sentences women get thrown at them most are “Please Adjust” and “Please Sacrifice”. It sickens me really!
shail said:
Someone recently tried to convince me (on FB) how women have this unknown source of strength, that they are any day superior to men and blah blah. I cut it short. ‘Don’t invest women with extra & superior powers. Just treat them as human. That is all what we want.’
Indian Homemaker said:
//women have this unknown source of strength, that they are any day superior to men// OMG 🙄
shail said:
Yeah, all the more reason to get women to uphold that honor which men cannot. What an excellent way to con women into doing that everyone else wants her to. 🙄
Bikram said:
well end of the day treat each other same as you want to be treated should help make the world a better place.
having these days celbrating ONE day , talking of what men or how men are so wrong.. etc will never help anyone.
A lot depends on where one is and where they live , it is funny everyone is going on and on about this one day, but do they realise that the woman sitting in her house out there far in the interiors does not even know its a woman day. She is still going through the same day in and day out.
Till each one of us treats other equal nothing will change .. and we all are guilty of it , women who say all this about men are they not doing the same what men did to them , so how can that be good..
society is what , its made by us Not just by men..
have a great today and Every other day too .. Sorry if i said something wrong.
shail said:
Bikram, I won’t say whether your comment is right or wrong, because it has got nothing to do with the topic of this post. My post is NOT about Women’s day, (though I have no objection to any day being celebrated, whether women’s, mother’s father’s or whatever), but about what is being commonly said to women on such a day. So I will only ask you to read it a second time, but this time read it without having decided beforehand what it is about. 🙂
Btw, it is not necessary that rural women know all that the urban women are doing. Both have different needs and lifestyles. Besides, what happens in urban areas is sooner or later enjoyed in the rural areas too. Its is just a matter of time.
Thank you 🙂
Bikram said:
Yes mam.
R's Mom said:
awesome awesome awesome awesome…the last para – *Stands up and salutes*
shail said:
Thank you *blush* 🙂
Sumana said:
innumerable times have i heard the phrase ‘ you are a girl and you cant afford to have a temper’. well bite me.
superb post!
shail said:
Why, is it too expensive? 😉 Jokes apart, yeah how many times have we heard such things?!
Thanks 🙂 And your post today is no less 🙂
Mysoul said:
I guess, when we cant afford something, we always have “hidden” costs..*giggling* Ever see girls who are Passive Aggressive? Oh man!! its worse than that temper we cant afford to have.
Jokes apart…anger doesnt discriminate, just like love doesnt. So I cant understand when people say that “Girls” cant have a temper.. Excuse Me!!! Boys also cant have a temper…If you(doesnt matter what you have between your legs) are angry, learn to acknowledge you are angry and voice your anger. There is always a way to do things without bringing about destruction.
shail said:
Oh yeah, ‘passive aggression’. Now that’s another story. Of course anger does not discriminate, just like love, jealousy, commonsense, idiocy… it goes on. Its actually gender neutral.
Farida said:
Reminds me of all those heroines in Indian cinema who have glorified this to the maximum…
I never ever imagined I could be one of those ideal woman, nor did I want to be. So I have always been a rebel, outcast, nutcase, rude and many such things and I have been happy. Once my husband Jayaprada of Haisiyat film as who I should imitate in my married life, and I said just pay me what she gets for three hours of pretending 😉
shail said:
Hahaha. Farida, that was some answer. 😉 I think rebels are actually more happy than the ‘ideal’ ones who always seem to have such suffering faces!
Indian Homemaker said:
LOL 🙂 Women should learn to say this in response to all the TV serials too.
Varsha said:
awesome reply farida ji!
TitoV said:
Bwuhahahaha… If the women who play various parts in my life were asked to sacrifice, they might just slap me and get away with it.
So lets just say that this is all changing and dont ask me how I know. Coz I do. and I dont have to prove it to anyone.
All this hue and cry is part of a greater conspiracy. Thats all I can say for now.
shail said:
Carrying coals to Newcastle huh? 😉 Of course it is all changing. You only know of it. I am part of that very change. Bwuhahahaha…
Hrishi said:
Whenever there is a sacrifice being performed, there is some one reaping it. The thing with human sacrifice is that it is not only death, but the eternal and continuous damnation be having that said person sacrifice themselves to by yielding their own for the sake of the other.
shail said:
Sacrifice is highly overrated. And I personally hate it when I am expected to be a sacrificing adarsh nari.
Phoenixritu said:
Adjust, sacrifice, behave, be humble, dont play rough games, smile don’t laugh … girls have to be tamed
BS
And why does a girl have to do all that?
I am glad at least some girls have started questioning all this
shail said:
“Tame” That’s exactly the word that comes to mind when you hear all this. Tamed and molded as required by vested interests.
Rinaya said:
I so agree with you…
My Mom was a lecturer..in Physics that too… got married because the society wanted her to..left her job ‘coz the in-laws wanted that..she bowed down to the society but thankfully has taught me & my sister enough to let us know our rights & not to ‘sacrifice’ our aims & happiness at the drop of a hat..it is tough to fight back but tougher to live a life with regrets…
shail said:
“…it is tough to fight back but tougher to live a life with regrets”
That says it. Glad to know your mother supported her children with the right attitude. 🙂
pixie said:
ah yes.. very well said.
I couldn’t formulate my thoughts this coherently!
I dont want to “celebrate” women’s day if it means being the sacrificial lamb for the rest of the year!!!
When basic rights and dignity are being suppressed for the rest of the year, what good will saying “she is special” on one particular day help?!!
I’m not sure if I’m making my point very clear… let me go now, think, gather my thoughts …
shail said:
It is not just about “she is special” on one particular day. Its about the ‘wrong’ specialty (epitome of sacrifice) being emphasized. By going on and on about it for one day, I wonder how many women they brainwash into believing they are the chosen ones to sacrifice? The rest of the year everyone else can relax, the message having been convincingly delivered.
So think, think 🙂
Kislay Usha Chandra said:
Awesome post 🙂
shail said:
Thank you Kislay 🙂
Soma Mukherjee said:
Shail Gotta share this one incidence with you, one of my classmates really good in everything she did and i met her after some 8 or 9 years in bangalore and she was doing absolutely nothing..with the kind of talent she had doing nothing to pamper them seemed crime to me and she came over to my house with her hubby..there he told me how she was doing this great job earning more than him and now in this great husband words and i quote:” i told her hey xyz you cook so well i take pride in putting out my tiffin in front of my friends in office and show them what lunch you prepared for me,,..i want you to be this wife every other wife is jealous of”
And my someday she was smart turned into complete ass friend gave up her carreer to cook yummy tiffin( which she was doing earlier too but now with out the job ) and be the kohinoor amongst wives who make tiffins for their hubbies
there is absolutely nothing wrong in making tiffins but to give up what she really loved for this!!!!what i am trying to say is look where a stupid flattery took her…
Indian Homemaker said:
Gosh Soma, this was so sad 😦 And what a clever, manipulative husband!
shail said:
How did I miss answering this comment? Hmmm… Yeah, that’s how this happens, all that flattery that some women cannot handle, closes their eyes to reality and ties them down forever. Worst is they don’t let others live their life and want to pull them in too. That’s where I want everyone to draw a line.
Say Cheese said:
🙂 Ok I promise.
Loved the post.
Indian Homemaker said:
I promise too.
Pingback: How do you celebrate yourself? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker
Small Town FemInist said:
Great post Shail! I absolutely loved the concept of birthright and selfishness in sacrifice. This goes on Facebook 🙂
shail said:
Welcome to Shail’s Nest STF 🙂 Thanks for the share. 🙂
Varsha said:
Good post….
I even hate that “women are strong, they can manage home and work with such dexterity” Damn it, most of them do it because they don’t have a choice!
I hate this alpha mom thing too…unconsciously burdening women to strive for excellence in all ways….be a champ mom cum cook cum cleaner cum blah blah. If its so special, why doesn’t any man volunteer to be an alpha dad!!
shail said:
Exactly. If its so cool, why are the men shying away from being everything rolled into one king-pins? The ‘women are strong’ slogans aim at making suckers out of women.
Thanks 🙂
Raghav said:
If women truly want equal treatment, they should aspire for a completely egalitarian society.
If women wanted to be treated as human and not as some supernatural beings, then please they should cast away the reservations in Indian universities and public conveyances as well (if the excuse is that they want to protect themselves from the roving male eye then smack those guys down, use physical force but please don’t ask for reserved seats) & only co-ed colleges should be allowed (and not women’s colleges).
Nobody talks about the discrimination men face in their daily lives due to these so called ideal Indian women.
shail said:
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. I’d suggest you read the blog a second time (and carefully this time) for it looks like you have missed its res by a mile.
I empathize with you that no one is writing about the discrimination against men by ‘ideal Indian women’. Don’t look at me, I certainly won’t. I write only what I want to write about. That’s a strict policy I follow. But it is funny, when a male friend of mine wanted to write about a grievance he had, what he did was go and write a about it instead of blaming anyone else for not doing it. .
But yeah I am surprised at this sentence of yours;
“If women want to be treated as humans..”
IF?? Lol, IF??
Here is news for you: Women ARE humans. So they HAVE to be treated as humans, It is their RIGHT to be so treated. There is simply no IF about it. When they ask to be treated like humans it is not as if they are asking for a share in somebody else’s ancestral property.
Wow, I am actually amazed at your suggestions to achieve equality. You say, “if the excuse is that they want to protect themselves from the roving male eye then smack those guys down, use physical force” I regretfully note that you have no corresponding advice for men on how to manage their hands and other body parts in a bus to achieve an egalitarian society. Now that is very remiss of you. How can we move towards an egalitarian society if everything is not equal? Seats should be equally open to both men and women in buses. Fine. Next, shouldn’t BOTH women and men keep their hands and other body parts to themselves? Now THAT would be real equality. So why aren’t you suggesting ways on how men can be taught to respect personal space? You were quick to point out what women should do. But about men and their roving eyes and hands you have nothing to say. You are implying that men will not change, but if women want equality they should take their due by using force. Tsk tsk, advocating violence.. And this, in the land of ahimsa!
Indian Homemaker said:
Very well answered Shail!! The comment and your response should become a post.
The next time I am given such arguments I am sending them this way.
delhizen said:
Isn’t it weird that educated women needs to remind and promise whatever you have said in this post?? or perhaps I am finding it diff to associate with it. All we need is confidence in ourselves, strive to be a good human being not a better ‘woman’ !! Let go off the baggage and help others those are actually suppressed ( the ones who are not educated to read the blog). congrats on the book 🙂
delhizen said:
Its weird isn’t it when educated women need to reassure themselves about the promises listed by you. I feel we should try to be better person than striving to be a better woman, what do you think? And I feel these words of wisdom need to communicated by us to women who aren’t educated enough to read this great blog. I am sure many of you must be already doing it! 🙂
PS: somehow my earlier comment on this post didn’t get posted so re writing it
Congrats on the book!
shail said:
Is it weird? Educated people are beating their wives, educated people are molesting children, educated people are making racist remarks, educated people are murderers, rapists. No, education does not automatically confer anything on us, though of course education should be helping us be better and capable humans.
But perhaps you missed the sarcasm in my asking the educated women to make a promise not to be selfish? We are taught to be selfless, especially the woman, right from the time they are born. Who cooks and eats last in most houses? Who makes do with the leftovers giving the choice pieces of food to others? Has education changed that? Not a bit because education does not seem to have had any role in changing that mentality.
Women who aren’t educated enough are not all that dis-empowered though we might think so. My maid coolly talks about ‘my money’ and ‘your money’ with her husband who is a laborer. They divide their expenditure, she refuses to meet some and keeps the money herself. If a middle-class woman does that the in-laws and the husband would brand her and probably dump her back home..
Thank you about the book 🙂
Anu said:
I’m often surprised (which again is a crime because why is it so surprising) when i’m chatting with my girl friends (over phone or chat), they abruptly end the discussion and say “oh ok, gotta go, my husband is home and i have to make rotis” I understand that it is not a big deal to make rotis to your husband”. However, what i question is how many men will do the same thing and what is so wrong in women expecting their husbands to do the same thing?I have never witnessed a single case where a guy says to his friends over the phone that his wife might be hungry so he has to run and get something to her. One piece of advice i give to girls out there is, men are conditioned not to think that way, so even if your husbands are those kind of men who believe in equality, they are not just not conditioned to be liberal to that extent. So, explain it to your husbands and am sure a sensible husband will see your point. Also, once he changes, you don’t have to treat him as God. Why can’t it be just a norm when husband cooks for her wife, why should he become this “God” who you are lucky to be blessed with? Appreciating and acknowledging the change is fine and this appreciating and acknowledging should be mutual and continued all our lives.