Warning: Long post ahead. Perhaps this post is not as coherent as I would like it to be because the thoughts connected with it are too many and they tumble out haphazardly. Perhaps I have left out things I wanted to say and stressed too much on something else. Anyway here it is as it is. This post was written as a continuation of the dialogue here. It contains my personal views. If your views differ you may state so, I will counter it if I have something to say against it, or agree to disagree as the case may be. At no time will I tolerate disrespect to either me or other commentators here. Let me also make clear I am writing about marriage in the Indian context. AND don’t waste your time talking about what the Indian culture and tradition says about marriage. I really don’t care much for a culture and tradition that worships women verbally and then keeps her in servitude as also gropes her slyly in public places. Newcomers to my post, I would advice you to read about me here before commenting.
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To find if anything is overrated or not, we have to first to know what that something gives you and what it is that it takes away in return. So, how does marriage, the much touted institution, fare in that regard??
I have here an answer by Preeti (I am not sure how old she is) which I found on Google Buzz,
“…what do I get in this system of marriage that I can’t have otherwise …. to me its NOTHING .. and I lose a lot ..so the choice is easy … stay single stay happy”
It admirably sums up what I myself have to say. Marriage is nothing but a highly overrated institution the way it exists at present.
I know by saying that I call into question the antecedents of my own marriage, my age, the state of my mental faculties and what not. All these are supposed to influence the opinion anyone holds on marriage according to some. All the unhappily married people are supposed to be against marriage and all the happily married pro-marriage. In the same way those belonging to the older generation are automatically supposed to be pro-marriage (defending their own life perhaps) while the younger generation against it.
Excuse me, please don’t belittle my intelligence or those of the others engaged in this dialogue or judge our joint capabilities to look at things objectively by your inability to look beyond the tip of your own noses set boundaries. So I request that such ridiculous thoughts be put aside and an objective look taken at marriage and why so many of us think it is overrated.
As it stands today, what has marriage to offer a woman?? Please leave out the exceptions, they are too few in number to be counted. Let us talk about the ‘the rule’ only.
Just take a look of the role of women in society. She is not at par with the male of the species. Not yet anyways. Even in the house she grows up in, she is discriminated against. We don’t think a brother making a cup of tea for a tired sister as normal behavior as yet. We are wont to look at it with awe and too much of appreciation. What a good boy he is. But if a girl makes tea for her brother it is passé. Perhaps an appreciative nod to show she is learning her job, to be a good wife and daughter in law, learning how to purport herself as the member of the house she would eventually belong to, is all she gets. Of course it goes without saying that there are no corresponding lessons simultaneously being imparted to the boys on how to be good husbands. More is the pity.
From the frying pan that is her home the woman is dumped into the fire that is her in-laws home by this widely acclaimed event called a wedding which is nothing but the ritualistic and official handing over of the daughter by a set of parents in front of witnesses (who are lavishly wined and dined) to another family after having suitably begged, bribed and convinced them to please take her off their hands for the duration of her lifetime. Puh-leeeze!
A little harsh do you think?? My personal opinion has been (still is) that parents of girls are stupid fools of the highest order spawned by the monster society who instead of setting up their own daughter for life, donate everything and her, to a stranger’s family to do with as they please. Once their great sacrifice is done, they are free to relax. Only few, not even a handful, are bothered about their daughter’s life or welfare from then on because whatever happens post-marriage is her ‘fate’. How very convenient for everyone concerned except the poor woman. The only word a daughter can expect to hear from them is the by now notorious one, ‘adjust!’ Puhleeze!
The families on the other side of the equation, who are the receiver of goods, human and otherwise, act coy and snooty all at the same time. They do the acceptance only after much deliberation, a trifle disdainfully too and after making sure this is the best deal available for the son they have auctioned in the marriage market. When they find the deal satisfactory, they induct the new entrant into their ranks, as the lowest in the pecking order.
Now everyone concerned is happy, the parents (both sets), the extended family (both sets) the neighbors (both sets), the ubiquitous well-wishers (both sets) and the faceless society (one and the same). Culture and tradition have been upheld. Time to rejoice, one more has been successfully caught in the marriage web and throttled. I pity the men who make jokes and make a show about getting ‘hitched’ and losing their freedom. Poor souls, they are talking through their back teeth, because WHAT the bloody hell do they know about this life long serfdom?? It is not just losing your freedom, it is losing your own self that marriage is to a woman.
Of course in the past this very thing was upheld as of great virtue. The woman, the great nurturer, the upholder of family values, the personification of sacrifice found her own salvation in losing her self and putting her family, the recently acquired one that is, before her. How noble she is for doing this. Such and other flattery of similar nature, were rammed down her throat to make her feel good about her helplessness and suffocation. What a royal con!
The woman’s life changes overnight in her new house. What she wears, eats, even the quantity of it, the books she reads, how she combs her hair, where she sleeps, where she sits and how, how she speaks, who she speaks to, who she can speak to….. her whole life is stage managed by others after her marriage. Whether a stay at home person or a career woman, she is expected to be a Super-Woman, up and about at all times at the beck and call of others.
I am not writing anything more about life post-marriage for a woman as I am sick and tired of it all. Each one knows what women are going through even in the present. Read more about a married woman’s plight here. If the woman is not strong in spirit (which very few are by the way they are brought up) by now she just gives up, and unwilling to fight fate any longer joins the throng and sadly becomes part of that very system that victimized her. Can it get any worse than that?? She can’t beat them so she joins them for the petty scraps they throw her way by way of power for favors rendered.
Now tell me frankly, who in their right minds would want to marry to lead such a life??! Who would want to give up the option to a self respecting life, financially independent life, being with friends and having lots of laughter and fun, the freedom to pursue your interests to this _______ (I don’t even have a name for it)??! As an empathizing soul, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this degradation, instead would want each and everyone to lead a life of freedom and joy and more importantly, self respect.
Desi Girl says, marriages were sold to women on glossy covers.
“….once a woman got married she got to wear good clothes and jewelry that was forbidden for single women. It gave her a free license to talk about sex and sleep with a man who everyone assumed would love her. For all these benefits all she had to do was cook, clean, make babies and keep every one happy. Yes in lieu of her services she is provided a roof over her head, food and protection from other predatory men.”
True enough. But, isn’t it time to put the past behind us?? Don’t fall for the glossy covers sold any more. The pages inside are rough, yellowed and stained. What is it that a woman cannot have for herself without the entanglement of marriage?? Why cook or clean for a bunch of ungrateful strangers (or even the grateful ones) and like a sick puppy wait for their pats of approval?? Can’t women cook and clean for their own selves, their own homes?? Can’t they lead a single life and be happy about it?? She can sleep happily under her own roof. What the hell, she can talk sex or even sleep with a man as she pleases. And to hell with the double standards of society. If they want a kid, they can have one if they are ready to bring it up or even adopt one. And to hell with people who say single parenthood doesn’t work. Oh really??! I don’t see anyone in a tearing hurry to marry off widows because her children need a father. Not in the past, not now.
Whenever I read what people who defend marriage have to say, I find that I don’t even have to punch holes in their argument, the holes are all too evident. Companionship, people to take care of you in your old age etc are some of those put forward as plus points. In answer, I ask the same question I have quoted above. How come no one thinks of the widow when the topic of companionship comes up?! She lives her life doesn’t she?? Besides, is it not for the individual to make the choice whether she wants companionship or not?? As for children to take care of you in old age, I would like to know how many of those with children have them close by to take care of them in their old age and how many if they are right beside you are actually doing it?? Would you even want to ask your children to leave their jobs to come and hold your hand for you??! I definitely agree with the lady in this post who says, when she is older she would like to spend her time in a community for older people closer to her age.
I know the post is pretty long already. But I cannot help but talk about a comment I read before winding up. The lady in her pro-marriage comment said ‘marriage is not about sex and procreation alone’. THAT my dear lady is exactly my point! It is NOT. BUT that is how it has been in the past. Period. It is still viewed thus by a lot of people to this day.
The ‘arranged by the family’ marriages and the obsession with first-nights proves beyond doubt that marriage was considered the license for sex. What else is this first night rather than two total strangers indulging at the first opportunity they get?? And yet people dare say marriage is not about sex??!! What a joke. The fixation of the population with the expected arrival of the baby (which mostly happened exactly 9 months and a few days after the wedding) and the frequently asked questions of newly weds for ‘good news’ proves that marriage was indeed about progeny and carrying forward of the family name. And to a great extent it still continues to be so. Get married, have sex, make babies. Getting to know each other?? What’s that??!! Go and make the iddli-sambar (or alu-parantha) you silly fool! The fancy ideas the young generation has. They want to get to know each other, huh??!
In fact marriages of the past never meant for husbands and wives to be companions, if at all that happened, it was only incidental. Even to this day I hear curious older ladies asking, ‘What does she have so much to talk about to her husband??’ if they see a husband and wife deep in conversation. Who is not aware that in the past (still so in many families), the wife only saw her husband during the nights?! You have to agree that was not for talking purpose or for fostering camaraderie!
Many men (and the women in his house) forget that the woman he marries is his wife not the family’s new all-in-one caretaker and maid. I have said this to many people in real life and I repeat it here again. If men want their physical needs satisfied and also their family to be looked after, the solution to it is NOT marriage. When it comes to taking care of the family either the man has to do it on his own or has to appoint a home nurse, and pay him/her for the services. As for his physical needs, they also can be met in other ways. But there are those (both men and women) who DO want more out of marriage than mere food, clothes and shelter, sex and progeny and the taking care of his parents. Such people also look for mutual respect, equality, mental compatibility, companionship, emotional attachment, togetherness and all that, and rightly so. And of course they also look out for the welfare of her parents (because parents you see are parents, his are no different from hers) too. May be for such people, marriage is a viable institution. For the rest I’d say, run for your dear life.
Other posts on the topic:
Marriage- The great Indian scam
Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?
Shail's Nest 
Shail, in the Jaat hinterland, brides are not meant to sleep with their husbands. It would foster companionship. How can the family allow that? He has to come in unobserved and consummate the marriage. It often happens when the bride is asleep or unprepared. I have always viewed it as marital rape. There are cases when the marriage gets consummated about a month after the wedding, what with the MIL and SILs ensuring that they dont have a minute together.
@Phoenixritu, OMG !!! Thats terrible, Ritu.
@Phoenixritu, Yes and we see an example of this in ‘Honeymoon Travels Private Limited’.
@Phoenixritu,
It is indeed marital rape. No other name for it! Unbelievable. 😦
I agree with a capital A. As I have always said, Isnt it better to be in the driving seat of your own life rather than get married and let your life be driven by someone else, where you wldnt even have half a chance of back seat driving 🙂
But all said – there are happy marriages, there are couples who are actually perfect companions and best friends, but in our country, they are still a minority! One should not assume that marriage always equals slavery and hence decide to stay single but one should not look at the glossy exterior and get married without thinking deeply about it simply because one HAS to get married !
Also – since IMHO marriage should only be about companionship – there really shouldn’t be a set age for marriage! Why not marry at 50 if you find someone you like then !
@Ruchira,
The minority that are happy do not owe their successful marriage to the system as it exists. They or their families have broken the mould in one way or another, that’s why they are happy.
Yes, one should not marry because one has to bu because one really wants to. I so agree with the companionship thing. yes, and that can be at any age actually! Do read this story Uncle Narayan.
Shail, first, please take a bow for this bold and outright post. It is honest, to say the least. It hits hard, and makes one think. And try to acknowledge hard facts about the way our Indian society treats marriage. You hit the nail on the head, with this line ‘I really don’t care much for a culture and tradition that worships women verbally and then keeps her in servitude as also gropes her slyly in public places. ‘ So so true.
As for marriage itself, we definitely believe that for a man, marriage is the license for free sex. For a woman, of course, it indicates ‘getting settled’. I have nothing to add, Shail, you have said it all, and so well!!
I am waiting for the day, a new bride will wake up later than her husband, to find breakfast served with a smile! And with the in-laws not GAPING as if they just got to watch free porn!
@Writerzblock,
*takes a bow*
I have real contempt for a system that worships woman in the temples and speaks of Ma ki Mamta, woman as Goddess etc and sits back to be waited hand and foot by those very people, not lifting a hand to help them, expecting the service by women as they birth right, not to mention the humiliation made to suffer at public places. I am damned if I revere any system that does that be it the most revered one in the world.
Don’t worry, this ‘gaping’ has happened in my life many times over! 😉
Kudos to you, for this hitting the nail on the head kind of post.
Yes, agree with u totally !! The approach to marriage is certainly not what every woman wants, but is forced to accept, by ppl around her. She is either physically or emotionally or financially tied up with a marriage that is not her vision of companionship !!! And the parents ditch her after marriage….Is this what we want our children to experience ???? Isnt there any mother who values the happiness of her child more than the customary and forced marriage ????
Recently, a family friend’s son, a widower married a divorced lady with a daughter. He has a son thru the first marriage. I was very happy to see this marriage happen.
@UmaS,
Thank you. Yes, the happiness of your children should be of essence, instead, the rule seems to be marry the daughter off at whatever cost, or else ‘what will people say’?! Sad, isn’t it??
I am also happy to hear of such things. a friend of mine, at fifty married a 40+ lady with two grown up daughters. 🙂 The camaraderie is wonderful to watch. 🙂
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Good post, as always.
Actually there is something which only married woman can experience! If you want to go shopping, dont feel like going alone, none of your friends are available, and your husband is busy with some not so critical work, you can say ‘as my husband it is your duty to accompany me shopping’!! doesnt work with live-in relationship. Just kidding…;)
I completely agree with your take on single parenting and widowhood. I am a strong believer of ‘it is better to have a stable happy home with single parent, than living in an abusive household with both parents’.
Yes marriage in the current form is all about sex or more specifically producing a baby! I think it is high time we came out of this ‘sex is a taboo’ thing. Of course there is progress, with the younger generation more aware and having at least a vague idea about what they want, but more clarity is needed. Personally I would not make a life time commitment to a man without knowing whether he can perform or not. And I say this whole first night thing is bullshit! As far as I could gather from friends cousins etc, irrespective of whether it was an arranged or otherwise ceremony, by the evening of you wedding day you are so nervous and tired that you can barely sit up straight let alone make love!! Even of you managed to, you couldn’t enjoy it. I am yet to meet a woman who had sex for the first time on her wedding night and enjoyed it! And here I am talking about the big ceremonious wedding with lots of people.
@BlueHornbill,
Haha! Actually all my shopping is done with the L & M 🙂
I agree there is more need for clarity of thought. And yes, I have yet to meet a girl who has enjoyed her first night. I have heard from quite a few girls of the insensitivity of some men who insist on going through the ritual of first night without any sensitivity to their plight.
You got it right..I loved Rituji’s post as well…When I wrote the post, I felt sympathetic for NK…I still feel.when I see her at work everyday, it makes me sad that an independent girl needs to go through this adjustment thing….my problem is with the fact that why does the woman always have to adjust…I am sure there are plenty of super successful marriage including my parents..but when we look at the entire institution generically, I do feel its over rated…there is nothing that I couldnt have done even if I wasnt married that I am doing now that I am married !
@R’s Mom,
I feel for people like NK, feel strongly about them. It angers me when people (especially women) giving explanations and advice on what she can do or how she should go about making things work. What about the other person in the equation?? What is his role?? You will notice in a comment below how it is mentioned that a husband did a great service by getting a cupboard for his wife. Wow! A cupboard from the other end of town! If this is the mentality with which men get into marriage….?!!
Yes, when you look at it generically, it IS overrated. And that sentence, “there is nothing that I couldn’t have done even if I wasn’t married that I am doing now that I am married!” is the essence of why it is overrated.
Hats off Shail 🙂 You covered all the aspects .
I agree with you on every point . Marriage is definitely an overrated institution. Anyway I have never believed in the institution of marriage .
There should be more to it than a rope-tying-ceremony to make two people belong to each other .
If it does so in the course of time , then it is worth it . If it doesn’t there is no point in keeping it for the sake of some silly reasons or for the sake of society .
And if two people think they should live together for the rest of their life and form a family it should not be just because they are married . But because they need each other .
@Krishnaleela,
Ooops, how did I miss replying to your comment?? :O
“There should be more to it than a rope-tying-ceremony to make two people belong to each other.”
I am reminded of the movies where the villain tries to tie the mangalsutr forcefully and everyone is so frantically trying to stop him. As if a thread tied by just anyone forcefully makes it a marriage!! My family and I are helpless with laughter over this drama. What stupidity!!
I read an interesting article, a suggestion by a Mr. Arun Nair in Sulekha. I am trying to locate the post. Of course people left outrageous comments at his post. But I felt what he said had matter in it worth looking at.
I agree with you: ….it should not be just because they are married . But because they need each other.
“And to hell with people who say single parenthood doesn’t work. Oh really??! I don’t see anyone in a tearing hurry to marry off widows because her children need a father. Not in the past, not now.”
The concept of a ‘normal family’ as a dad and a mom and a huge extended family is not really accurate, children thrive in a loving, happy environment – with single parents also.
@Indian Homemaker,
Also known as the “traditional” family. As people would have you believe, families haven’t always functioned as mother and father. But the notion of family has always changed throughout history. But pusher’s of ‘normal families’ often ignore this fact.
I came from a single parent home, and I turned out fine, unlike some friends I have who come from “traditional” families and they have a shit load of things wrong with them.
@Indian Homemaker,
I absolutely agree with you IHM . I know some who have been brought up by single parents . They are far far better than others .
And by any chance we should not belittle the great work brave widows and widowers have done bringing up their children . And what about the army wives and wives of men who work abroad . They all do single parenting in a sense. And most of them manage to do a good job too.
Children need a happy , confident environment . That is more important .
You have said it so righty!
Loved your post and what you have said… managed to convey everything I wanted to say too in such a better way!
Marriage is not a license to have sex, its not, for the woman to be a care-taker for a hostile family!
And I agree to the last lines of what Pals has written as well!!
The last couple of lines kind of sums up the argument quite well!
@Pixie,
Is this your first time here? If so welcome to Shail’s Nest. I read your post too and yes our thoughts coincide. Thank you 🙂
@Shail,
Hi! I think I have commented on a few other posts… not very regular here, remedying that now to make sure I drop by much more regularly!! 🙂
@Pixie,
I thought so. I just asked because your comment went to moderation 🙂
Applause !!!Very well-written Shail.
“She can’t beat them so she joins them for the petty scraps they throw her way by way of power for favors rendered.”
Couldn’t agree more !
@s,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you. Yes, this is how the DiL hounding MiLs are born and all the others too!
Agree with every single point you have written.
When I was a kid, I didn’t like what I saw in what was labelled a marriage. I decided to stay away from it. I used to have many arguments with family and friends about the need for a marriage. I couldn’t express it clearly so mostly I attributed my resistence to over population. That is until I met this wonderful person and understood what a marriage could be, should be.
Some reasons I have heard from prospective brides and grooms about why they are getting married
1. People think that something is wrong with me and I can’t lead a normal life (read gay/lesbian). And my parents can’t handle the pressure
2. I need to make way for my younger sibling to get married
3. I am bored of living alone. All my friends are married and nobody wants to go to a movie with me
4. I need to repay the loan my parents took for my education [Disgusting!]
Gosh! How much pressure the society (we) exerts in the name of marriage!
Having said that, I have forever wondered what is the need for a marriage. How did it come into existence? Who came up with the brilliant idea and what was the intended purpose? Although, it is more prevalent in our society, world over women have been asked to be the subservient one in marriages for ages.
I have two theories about it.
1. Humans followed thier natural instinct and created babies. There was no accountability and there was chaos all over. So, one brilliant person said ‘This is not working. If you are creating a baby, you need to be responsible for it, its deeds and well being (at least upto a point). So, if you want to have sex and make a baby, you need to enter into an agreement and you will both be responsible for the children you have’.
2. A person with a devious sense of humor was so bored that he/she said ‘Lets play big boss. Lets put two people in a house and see how they react.’. Then they said, ‘This is fun. Lets add some chaos, lets add relatives of one side to the picture. Now, there’ll be a bully and a gang of cronies. We’ll see how the other person reacts’. Then they said, ‘Wonderful! This is fun. Lets not end this, lets just continue it for life and for generations’. The person who was being bullied said ‘I dont like this’. So, they said ‘Alright, you can join the bullying gang when a new member arrives’. Turned out that the women were easier to bully. And just so the exit route is firmly sealed, they called it ‘Holy Matrimony’. And yeah, the big boss had to have a name and they said ‘FATE’ so everybody could wash thier hands off thier deeds and responsibilities.
I like to believe it was the first one, but it could well have been the second.
@A Colorful Story,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest 🙂 Indeed those points you have elicited s reasons for marriage really shows the pressure with regard to marriage that people feel. I like your story regarding the origin of marriage 😆 You have quite an imagination.
And I am glad you found someone who knows what marriage means. Good luck to you! 🙂
Pssst! You really used the over-population card?? How sweet! 😉
Too many hapazardly tumbled thoughts, incoherent? Not you Dear Shailji. You said what most Indians like to gloss over or make trivial. Marriage is a Pain, especially when it is Marrying into Slavery. I cant argue with any of the points you make as all of it is true.
I do think Marriage is over-rated but I do acknowledge it works for some. Since marriages arent going to dissappear anytime soon in the Indian Scene, heres what I would like to see- I want a Giving Away of the Man to the Girls family in a Marriage Ceremony,with rules and consequences similar to that for a Girl in the Guy’s family.
LOL @ Get Married, Have Sex, Have babies. And there are still people who think we cant have sex without marriage? I guess they have no concept of contraceptives eh? no signs of pregnancy means no sex *giggling*.
I wait for a time when people understand that the trace for “Actual Heir carrying the family name” is in the Woman’s Mitochondria and not in the Man’s cells. So no matter who the Family Heir is, the Stamp is still from a WOMAN.(Yes! as illogical as it is, for a time I want Women in the SUPERIOR position to compensate for all the time we have done in servitude) I am seeing changes, although it isnt enough for the over Billion Populuation India has…but it is changing.
@Rashmi,
I really meant it 🙂 I have too many thoughts on the issue and I had to pick and choose to present it in limited words (limited words!!!) I wasn’t satisfied because of that perhaps. But if you think it has come out well, then it must be okay! 🙂
Now this giving away of the man in a similar manner to how girls are is something I’d like to see too. Of course marriage works (works in the non-slavery terms) for some. But that number is actually too low to count.
Ahhh about the “Actual Heir carrying the family name” being in the Woman’s Mitochondria and not in the Man’s cells. Lol, what do you think will happen if that is publicised?? They will say its the Western world trying to confuse us since of course we Indians know where the heirs come from! Lol, the aam janta doesn’t even know where the Y chromosome comes from, not yet any way! Sigh… too long a way to go.
Wow! Very well written.
Even in American culture, marriage is still seen end all, especially for women. Even though it’s no longer essential for a woman to marry (like in many places women get married for financial security) it’s still pushed upon us. Even if a woman is independent, has a fantastic career, and accomplished, people still pity her because she doesn’t have a husband.
I guess in our culture marriage has to be sold differently, since it’s no longer a financial necessity to be married, now people have to marry for love. But the pressure to be married is there. It’s like, if you’re not married you’re going to alone and miserable.
@RenKiss,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest and thank you. I wish people learn to leave others alone. Next I will be asking to hold the moon in my hands I guess!! 😆 Jokes apart, this pressure to marry is a huge burden on everyone.
To marry or not to marry are options which should be left to an individual to choose from just like whether to have veg/non-veg for lunch/dinner and nothing more than that. The brouhaha over marriage/celibacy (for that matter) is over-hyped than the institution/concept by itself.
@Geetashree Chatterjee,
Welcome to Shail’s Nest. Yes, the option better be left to the individuals concerned. 🙂
u wouldn’t have been in the world and have family time, get educated and enjoy good upbringing without a marriage happening in the first place.
@JAT,
…And what if I weren’t??!! Obviously I wouldn’t need education, marriage or family time, since I don’t exist! 😛 And the world would go on as usual! 🙂
Hi Shail
You said it. The ignominy and insults a single woman faces is sometimes a little too much. Just to cite 2 instances from ur own comments section…..a gentleman who thinks all extramarital affairs men commit involves unmarried ladies and a lady who said single women who also happen to be aggressive give feminism a bad name….Thats the kind of pressure in virtual world. The real world is downright horrid. Thanx for this piece. It was reassuring to hear someone speak the plain truth for a change.
PS : I have broken ur rule to treat comments with respect. I am sorry I couldnt.
@los,
Lol, yes I remember both. But hey, your comment is not disrespectful! 🙂 Even a married woman who has to stay by herself due to the exigencies of her husbands job is not left out. That reminds me I must write about my experiences about that!
Oh man, what a post, esp the part abt single parenting and widows. way to go Shail….this post is the most coherent take on this question, I’ve read so far!!!
@starry eyed,
Tnank you and I am left wondering why the coherency is not visible to only some 🙂
Makes me angry each time I hear stories of the way widows were treated in the not distant past. And even in the present in so many places.
I just read your long rant!
I also read the comments of all your cheer-leaders so far.
Let me sing a different tune.
So what is the alternative?
If marriage is over rated, what would you suggest we do instead of marrying?
Live with promiscuity in our midst? (Animals do that )
Go through a lifetime of spinsterhood/bachelor hood valuing independence and then secretly regret missing all the opportunities, when we get old and health starts failing us and we have no one for emotional or economic support when we need it the most?
Have a “Living together” relationship? If so should that be temporary or permanent?
I agree marriage does not guarantee happiness for a woman (and for a man too) but should we not think of reforming this institution rather condemning it?
Today’s marriages have fewer ills than those of the last century.
Today, even in arranged marriages, girls are allowed to see, meet and assess their prospective husbands and say NO if they don’t feel the boy is right.
Our grandmothers did not have this privilege.
Today, the number of marriages without dowries is increasing. I didn’t take a pie from my father in law. Nor did I give a pie to my son in law’s family.
Today, girls are getting educated, and they are successfully balancing a good career with family life. Earlier society frowned upon a woman working outside the home.
Today women re-marry after widowhood or in case of a divorce and no one raises eyebrows, no one is scandalized.
Today Women inherit property.
So we are making progress, at least in middle class and upper middle class families.
Let us continue to make progress. A lot more needs to be done, I agree.
It is said Democracy is over rated. But every other form of government has proved worse.
Similarly, I agree the institution of marriage is not perfect. So let us work to perfect it.
Condemning it is no solution.
The alternatives to marriage are worse.
I am glad my parents were married and lived together all their lives. I would not prefer to be a child of a single parent. Such a child is of course innocent and I don’t blame it but merely feel sorry for it.
Look into the heart of an innocent child of a Single parent, A child who goes to school and watches other children enjoying the love of both their Daddies and Mummies. Do you feel such a child will not feel underprivileged/handicapped?
Why force this situation on an innocent child?
I am happily married for 36 years and so is my wife.
We have our differences, we have our fights but neither of us can consider not living together.
By the way it was a conventional arranged marriage and she is the only girl I saw and I am the only boy she met. We decided to marry after just an hours conversation with each other. I had my checklist of the really important things I wanted in my partner and she scored 7 out of 10. I don’t know if she had a similar checklist but we have made a success of our marriage.
So,
VOTE FOR MARRIAGE!!
Marriage Zindabad!
Okay, let the brickbats come in.
I won’t duck.
Regards
GV
Dear GV
I am one of Shail`s cheerleaders and I am going to take the liberty of responding to your comment. First of all, none of us here are condemning marriage. All we are saying is that marriage should be for the right reasons (as Shail pointed out – marriage is perfect for people who “look for mutual respect, equality, mental compatibility, companionship, emotional attachment, togetherness and all that”)
What we are saying is marriage is not the be all and end all of life. marriage should not be a social compulsion, something you are forced to do simply because you must !
And I agree with you that women now have more rights than they did earlier. I also agree that it’s better to try reforming the institution of marriage rather than condemning it.
Having said that, this is what I would like to comment upon:
[Go through a lifetime of spinsterhood/bachelor hood valuing independence and then secretly regret missing all the opportunities, when we get old and health starts failing us and we have no one for emotional or economic support when we need it the most?]
So suppose a person (both male and female) is not married is he/she not going to get any emotional support from their birth families?? What about brothers sisters, cousins, friends?
Economic support – I think this is the worst reason to get married for. isn’t it a better idea to empower and educate ourselves so that we become self reliant instead of just getting married so that we are “looked after”. This is what all of us have been screaming against – getting married for all the wrong reasons !
As for being looked after in Old Age – Yes companionship is important in old age. But what if your spouse dies early, what if you don’t have kids?, what if the kids decide to settle down abroad ? In this jet-set age its foolishness to depend on others (even ur kids and spouse) to be looked after in your old age. You must learn to be self reliant. And god forbid if the day comes when you need physically looking after will your birth family not help and support you if you are single?
This attitude of “if you are single then you will be left alone and uncared for” is what I so badly want to change !
[The alternatives to marriage are worse.]
How so GV? Lets take two scenarios – 1)unhappy marriage, wife is mentally abused or physically tortured – so what is better living alone with peace of mind and self respect and dignity intact or continuing in that hell of a marriage.2) A girl is not married (for whatever reasons, personal decision or she couldn’t get married)– is marriage the only thing a woman can derive happiness and contentment from? Isn’t the freedom to follow our dreams and aspirations and live our life the way we want enough to make us happy? Wouldn’t a woman who hasn’t found the man of her choice, be happier living alone, doing what she wants, instead of getting stuck in a marriage where she lives a stifled existence?
And as for your comment on [children of single marriage are unhappy ]– Believe me, there is no child unhappier than a child who has grown up seeing a abusive, unhappy marriage. That does awful things to a child psyche and is much worse than not being able to enjoy” the love of both their Daddies and Mummies”.
Just my two cents !
@G Vishwanath,
First, I take exception to your calling my fellow bloggers as my cheerleaders. By doing so you are questioning their credibility as well as mine. Their comments are not an exercise in cheer-leader-ing. They reflect the feelings of the writers just as much as your comment reflects yours.
Second, I doubt if you have really read my post since the answers to your questions are already contained there. But if you want I can answer them again for you.
1. So what is the alternative?
If marriage is over rated, what would you suggest we do instead of marrying?
Not marrying.
2. Live with promiscuity in our midst? (Animals do that )
No marriage = promiscuity??! And marriage = non-promiscuity??!
Really?? Please tell me this is a joke because I cannot see it as anything else!
As for living with promiscuity, since no one has wiped a sizeable number of humans off the earth yet, I conclude that it IS possible for humans to co-exist with the promiscuous among them.
Yes, we do a lot of things that animals do and don’t do certain other things. So who decides which are acceptable and which are not??
3.Go through a lifetime of spinsterhood/bachelor hood valuing independence and then secretly regret missing all the opportunities, when we get old and health starts failing us and we have no one for emotional or economic support when we need it the most?
Ruchira has answered, but let me give my views as well.
First, all of us humans have regrets about something or other in life: some major some small. We wish we had done this or not done that. We cry over lost opportunities, people we have pushed aside, careers we could have had, relationships that could have blossomed, regrets about death, about birth, about killing, not pursuing a dream… the list is endless. Regrets are part of life. Some brood about them, some forget and move on.
So what is so different or special IF AT ALL someone has regrets about not having married?? It is just another of those regrets like the rest. Besides how different is it from the regret a married person feels for having married??
Second, for failing health in later years or even before, what we need is a doctor and good health insurance. Being married will not help.
Third, marriage for economic support?? Have I read that right?? I have a maid for part time work and what I pay her is called salary. She did not have to marry me for that.
4. Have a “Living together” relationship? If so should that be temporary or permanent?
This is the problem with Indian parents. Whether grown up kids want to have a live in relationship and whether that itself should be temporary or permanent is up to them. Let me clarify though. This has nothing to do with my post which is about the institution of marriage being overrated.
5. I agree marriage does not guarantee happiness for a woman (and for a man too) but should we not think of reforming this institution rather condemning it?
This post is about whether the institution of marriage is overrated (as it stands today). I reserve the right to condemn it if I so wish and I do so vehemently. But… if you notice I have also mentioned that it is for people who are ready for it as equals in a relationship, NOT as a means of finding a suitable woman caretaker for a man and his family with enough money from her parents for her upkeep.
6.Today, even in arranged marriages, girls are allowed to see, meet and assess their prospective husbands and say NO if they don’t feel the boy is right.
Our grandmothers did not have this privilege.
Sorry to ask this, but… So??! Nobody is doing anyone a favor by letting girls see or meet the grooms. If grandmothers did not have the privilege, it was a sorry state of affairs. Just because now girls are allowed to see the groom and assess (in 5 or 10 minutes??) no one is doing them any great favor. People who are going to spend their lives together should be given the opportunity as a right.
Besides, just how many do you think have the right to say ‘NO’?? This is not about exceptions but about rules.
7. Today, the number of marriages without dowries is increasing. I didn’t take a pie from my father in law. Nor did I give a pie to my son in law’s family.
Okay, you give me the statistics to prove that and I will accept it. Or is it like when the courts banned bandhs they mysteriously took on the name of hartals?? Is dowry now known by some other innocuous name to escape detection?? One Mr. Vishwanath not taking dowry is NOT the question. It is good that you did not. But exceptions do not make rules.
8.Today, girls are getting educated, and they are successfully balancing a good career with family life. Earlier society frowned upon a woman working outside the home.
Beg your pardon for repeating this but I cannot help but ask…, So??! I am ashamed when I hear the word successfully balancing. Yes, they are doing a balancing act so that they can have both worlds while one half has to do only the office work. But if everyone did their own work, the women need not have done this difficult balancing act. Isn’t ti all the more reason why women do not want to marry??
9. Today women re-marry after widowhood or in case of a divorce and no one raises eyebrows, no one is scandalized.
Today Women inherit property.
So we are making progress, at least in middle class and upper middle class families.
Good that things are happening. But please, divorce still raises eyebrows and parents of girls still tell her to adjust’ and bear all troubles as fate because of that.
Of what good is women inheriting property as long as man is considered the superior one and his family holds the whip?? I know of women who had to transfer their entire money (given by parents) over to their husband’s names because…. Hold your breath, if they had money in their names, they were liable to run away with other men. Can it get any demeaning than that??! Her own money!!
Really speaking HOW many widows do you find being ‘allowed’ to remarry?? Yeah, sometimes they are forcefully married off to the husband’s brother to keep her money in the family as has happened in the case of some soldiers’ wives who died in Kargil war.
10. It is said Democracy is over rated. But every other form of government has proved worse. Similarly, I agree the institution of marriage is not perfect. So let us work to perfect it.
By all means let us work to perfect it. But that work does not start by refusing to acknowledge the flaws of either democracy or marriage. The ‘putting things right’ starts with identifying the flaws not glossing over it which is what your comment does. None of the comments above by others speak of personal experiences alone. They are eyes and ears that have seen more than they could bear and felt the need to speak up, just like me.
Who says democracy or marriage is the last in line, the ultimate?? If they could evolve over time, there is all possibility that something else which is as yet not evident to us may evolve to replace both these! We have not reached the end of evolution with democracy/marriage. Have we??
11. The alternatives to marriage are worse.
That is your opinion. I don’t agree to it.
12. “Such a child is of course innocent and I don’t blame it but merely feel sorry for it.
Look into the heart of an innocent child of a Single parent, A child who goes to school and watches other children enjoying the love of both their Daddies and Mummies. Do you feel such a child will not feel underprivileged/handicapped?”
You have been seeing too many Bollywood movies. Lol.
Like I have asked in my post, this question is irrelevant in a society that has not cared too hoots for a widow or her children. Wasn’t her children innocent enough for the society to notice them?? Why all this gushing of sympathy and concern for the child of a single parent only??
If children of widows can grow up to be wholesome kids (many have too) there is no earthly reason why children of single parents cannot achieve the same.
It is not the single parenthood that causes the problem, but the unnecessary drama by those around, singling the child out for unwanted attention either in the form of meaningless sympathy or barbs, making ti feel under-privileged or whatever that does the real harm. If these no good well wishers and family left the kids of single parents alone, treated them like any other and the kids would grow up to be fine, much better than those from dysfunctional families in fact.
13. And finally good to know you have a happy marriage of long standing. But, one swallow does not a summer make. Many of us have happy marriages, but that is by fluke, a stroke of luck (by which I mean it happened in spite of the system), not because of anything great with the institution of marriage as it exists at present.
@Shail,
Absolutely agree with you Shail ! A well needed comment .
I am tired of hearing about this single parenting . What about the widows or all those mothers who have to bring up their kids alone ?
If you say a child needs both parents even when they are abused then you haven’t seen enough abuse or you haven’t come across the ones with real reasons . I salute the mothers and fathers who had to bring up their child alone . Whatever the reason may . And what about those poor ones who doesn’t have a father or mother ?
And I don’t believe marriage can restrict a man’s or woman’s sexual preferences and way ward nature . I don’t believe fidelity is some thing that could be imposed . It all goes down to the make -up .
I think no man can never understand/ comprehend how a girl’s life changes once she gets married . They will just wave off and say we are over reacting or we are feminists . Whenever I ve tried to speak to men about this I ve seen this understanding settling in . Yesterday I was discussing this post with hubby . In b/n he smiled and told me . ” Don’t get so emotional . take it lightly ” 🙂 They think these are silly things even when they support women’s freedom and independence and all.
And not to say about the in-laws . How can they think a girl who was the pet of a family will turn into a servant -like – figure with no rights / opinion/ favourites / friends / whatso ever over night is some thing I cannot understand.
@Krishnaleela,
Yes a woman’s very soul is lost in the way marriages are today. True, I wonder how anyone can expect a woman to become the unpaid maid for her husband’s household. For centuries this has been happening and some people are worried about a bally cupboard that had to be transported. I asked my husband about it and he laughed so hard. He simply could not understand what the big deal about it was. 😛
About people thinking our problems are silly things… however much you try, this is the reaction you get. And it is for that reason that I say, just 24 hours, only 24 hours do I ask for all men in this world to turn to women. After the 24 hours, they can go back to being men BUT with the memory of the 24 hours they spent as women. A lot will change. We will no more hear of words like ‘silly’ etc in association with our problems 🙂
Single parents rock. They are doing good work. Instead of recognizing that people are bent on discrediting them. That is what makes their life tougher and that is what makes their children suffer too.
Shail, you have hit the nail on the head and have done a perfect analysis of this over rated institution. If people are happy in this institution, the credit does not go to this institution but to other reasons. I know of live-in couples being totally devoted to each other and married people being promiscous. So GVji, your assumption that living -in is synonymous with promiscuity and being married is synonymous with non promiscuity is a wrong one. Old age does not come with any kind of guarantee…one could lose a spouse and be alone despite having a few kids. Besides a woman could always marry even in old age if she feels the need to. One does not have to marry young so as to not miss this “wonderful opportunity”! In fact marrying old will be a better option for Indian women, they might get to escape all the agony as there would be fewer members in the husband’s family(siblings all married, old in laws) long gone by then.
All I can say is, “Bingo!” You said it.
this is preeti you quoted ::).. am 30 , divorced after a love-marriage that my parents were happy to arrange within a month . Single , independent and loving every bit of it .
when I said marriage don’t offer me anything right now and it takes away a lot , I am just not talking about me I am talking about most of the women I know. As much as I don’t like traditional Marriage, i equally hate live-ins ..they provide You no benefits of marriage and You have all the burdens of marriage. Even the so called sex-life is worst in marriage (if U know what good sex is ).
I have to write a post on this :):)
@sexandtheindiancities,
I loved your answer and quoted it here. 🙂 You go girl live the life of your choice! Waiting for your post 🙂
REPLY AT BLOG-CHECK
leo paul – ahh..one of the two questions which are making waves in hostel-discussions here..the other being religion..i agree to most of what is said in your post…but while you have tried viewing it through the eyes of an ailing and impoverished indian ‘nari’ i want to add something more..not that i don’t agree with what you have said…iam all for what you have said ..but before going all out and saying that girls are the only losers in this ‘arranged marriage’ scenario-for thats what we’re talking about anyway…i would urge you to think about the boy’s side too..
Two reasons why iam urging you to do this..’cos the indian girl’s jail-dom if i may call it that doesnt start with marriage…it starts off immediately after she is born..so why get sore throats crying hoarse over how you get a raw deal with marriage..the second ..the boy isnt without his share of worries anyway..yeah i know that his worries are far less when compared to the girl..but that doesnt make them go away does it?..all iam saying is that instead of saying that the present system of marriage is not good for girls lets say that it is not good for both of em..instead of thinking of only the drunkard who beats his woman and the ones who dont care for the ones they married, iam asking you to think of the other chunk who are actually good husband material but are teriffied of getting stuck with the wrong woman..where do you think the caption “all men are not stupid.. some stay bachelors” comes from? and that fear is not unfounded..cos for the hapless husband who has to balance a nagging wife and his own complaining parents..plus the ever demanding work pressure..it is sheer torture..everyone at home wants their wishes fulfilled..what do they expect the husband to be?- a magic worker who can fix everything?from leaky ceilings to babies..do you have any idea how it feels to have a wife and your parents at loggerheads..and still maintain ur sanity..on a lighter note-no wonder we are the ones who end up with a receding hair-line 😀 but seriously its not only the girl who faces uncertainity when things dont go right with marriage; boys get a share of the torture too..its the system of marriage that is to blame..it is not a relation with mutual understanding or consent..it is more of a society imposed set of rules..it is not well-thought out..simply because the guy has a high-paying job and the girl is ‘good-looking and well-mannered’ and the in-laws are ‘nice people’ doesnt mean that it is a recipe for a ‘happy married life’ ..it might be safety measures to a certain degree but what of pairing up total strangers..what kind of luck are we hoping for that will make them good for each other?its like we dole out a lot of money and like u said ‘witnesses (who are lavishly wined and dined)’ have a merry time and then hope that some sort of magic will occur that will make two perfect strangers right for each other..it is even funny to think of the caption ‘marriages are made in heaven’..,the parents or whoever fixes up these things are literally rolling the dice for someone else’s lives..and what a shame that we continue to put up with it..some of them are not even ready for marriage and some dont even want other people in their lives ..and its better not to think of the horror of children born out of such wedlocks..they are born into a world so terribly out of place..so instead of weeping for the girl in marriage I’d say swear at marriage in general and look at the mindsets of girls in general in india..EditMar 25 (edited Mar 25)DeleteUndo deleteReport spamNot spam
Shail Mohan – @Leo,First, You should have written this at my blog page and second, Leo, Leo, you must remember what I told you!! Divide what you have to say in paras.
Now to your comment
1. Looks like you have not read my blog or have given it only a cursory glance and have filled in the details from your own imagination. I have already written about when a woman’s troubles start. If the emphasis is from the period of marriage, that is because this post is about (hello) marriage being overrated.
2. I will NOT say the present system is not good for boys AND girls. Why should I?? Who said I am representing the boys here?? I am writing this from the point of view of women. If men want to present their views, they are welcome to do so. But please don’t tell me that I have to do it for them. (That too?? Can’t they even do that now/?)
3. Shame on any man who says he is hapless trying to balance between his wife and mother. A woman leaves her family, and everything behind, to start her family and also faces problems at the husband’s place; and all a man can do is is whimper about balancing act between mother and wife/?! He better grow up and learn to do at least that.
4. Regarding receding hairlines, it is beneath my dignity to even answer that. Visible signs are not in any way superior to invisible signs of struggle or scars.
5. I have mentioned that I am speaking of the ‘rules’ and not the exceptions.
6. I simply fail to understand why when anyone talks of problems of women why (and only then) some others (there are more like you) have to say, ‘men suffer too!’ like nursery kids saying, ‘Teacher isne bhi mujhe maara’.
7. ‘It is more of a society imposed rules’.you say about marriage. Where have I said otherwise?? So what do you think I meant by the term ‘monster society’ that I have used?? What do you make of the fact that I said the girls parents are fools ‘spawned by society’??
8. The only mention in this post about men is when I say, the poor fools don’t even know what they are talking about when they joke about getting hitched. So why this unnecessary defense of men??
9. I don’t understand when anyone says, you should write about it this way or take a look at things that way. With due respect, “Oh really?? Says who??’ is my polite answer to that. Why cannot I write about the aspect I wish to??
10 And to put it mildly, I have condemned marriage. How does anything change just because I wrote it from the woman’s point of view?? Isn’t marriage between men and women, or are the men going to marry each other??
Goodnight Leo 🙂
Though I agree that this institution is dumped on women and men by society, it is the woman who gets the rawer deal because she has to stay with the husband and his people and has responsibilities there unlike the man who does not have to shift to the girls parents’ house. Even if this did happen, men would get VIP treatment as “mapillai” in his in-law’s place.
My comment might not be good enough or put in the best way for some, but I do hope I have managed to convey what I’ve wanted to say.
Yes you have, Bhagi and I so agree with what you have said.
@shail
so sorry to have got your blood boiling..anyways..to put things into perspective seeing that they aren’t..
1.I didn’t say that you should drop the “suffering and tortured indian wife” line. i merely said that if you are going to speak of the institution of marriage attack it from all corners.Or the heading could be mistaken as only against marriage rather than a cry for women’s rights (ahem) ‘especially after marriage’ that you want to portray. Iam not asking you to struggle for ‘mens’ rights’ post-marriage, for you are free to bring out your views at your blog i was just adding my views about “marriage being an overrated institution”..
2. The major part of what you said dealt with how the young wife ‘has to adjust to a new environment, take care of her in-laws, her husband and kids and still work and manage the tensions there’..i’ll quote from your article. I did read the blog earlier you know… 😀 though you can say that i might have lost the chronological order of the way things were stated..didnt someone say it is human to err? 😀
“The woman’s life changes overnight in her new house. What she wears, eats, even the quantity of it, the books she reads, how she combs her hair, where she sleeps, where she sits and how, how she speaks, who she speaks to, who she can speak to….. her whole life is stage managed by others after her marriage. Whether a stay at home person or a career woman, she is expected to be a Super-Woman, up and about at all times at the beck and call of others.”
You know i cannot agree more to the fact that a modern working wife has to deal with a lot of tension. More than the husband. taking care of the whole house-hold and her work-place is over-kill..i still don’t know how they manage it..Though how many actually do it is a different matter..And how to remedy the suituation is also a tough issue..for I strongly feel that women should be employed in whichever field they want; but then you do want kids in society or are we talking of the end of days? So taking care of the kids and balancing her job will always be a reality for the woman..And so the solution you say is to avoid the boy’s side? less tension? The way i see it, where husbands understand the issues of their wives and help them out in house-hold work and with the kids has shown wonderful results in society today. Now you are not talking of these ‘exceptions’ you say?
3. thirdly when you mention the tortures that the indian wife has to face, i cannot help but remember it was ‘saas and bahu’ primarily where the problem usually starts. So I wonder why do women not protect their own kind? so shouldn’t mother-in-laws understand that their daughter-in-laws face the same problems they faced when they were in their place? Before you drag out the examples of drunken husbands beating their wives..help me understand this sadist tendency that is prevalent in the said lot..
4.When you refer to husbands ill-treating their wives and not caring for them, it is more of an inherent criminal nature and no amount of condemning marriage is going to set that right. these are the same people who go about being a threat to society.
5.And
“I simply fail to understand why when anyone talks of problems of women why (and only then) some others (there are more like you) have to say, ‘men suffer too!’ like nursery kids saying, ‘Teacher isne bhi mujhe maara’.”
I’d like to make the issue clear here. It was not a case of vying for attention. Just trying to portray that the system is vexed rather than being a gender problem. Of course women suffer more, but haven’t i already stated that in my comment. You missed that? 😛
6.Since you go on and on about girls leaving ‘everything behind to start a new home’. A gentle reminder: when one of my cousins got married he had to drive to the other end of the city where my sister-in-law’s house is to pick up her WARDROBE.NOT HER CLOTHES BUT THE WHOLE DAMN CUPBOARD AND RIDE INFRONT OF THE CIRCUS THAT WAS THE TEMPO CARRYING THE SAID ORNATE CUPBOARD TO ‘INSTALL’ IT IN HIS ROOM. Now I find it ridiculous that for marrying a girl you have to marry her cupboard too. Now before you get started on the ‘silly cupboard’-it is just symbolic of what happens..Overnight everything changes to suit the girl’s wishes. From the colour of the bed-sheets to the way we walk and talk the girl has her own ‘remedy’ to everything. And you are ‘not a loving partner’ if you don’t respond to her wishes.It happens vice-versa too. So isn’t it that a marriage between two individuals who are not ready for it or who dont want each other the problem rather than ‘the male factor’? Its just my take on things. You are welcome to disagree
Respect and equality for women should be taught in families and the failure to do so shows up in our system. To marry a partner of your choice after a period of courtship is fast becoming the norm these days and women are given the choice to refuse at will. You are talking of the traditional norms i know, but aren’t we looking at reform?
@leopaul,
I am really sad to note that my post has not been read before comments have been made. I attempted to answer your questions once. Really sorry. But I am NOT going to do so again.
If you check back to the blog, you will find the answers there or in the my reply to your comment I have given above. If you cannot find them there, then however much I try it is not going to happen.
So I agree to disagree with you.
BTW, very sorry to say, you have not made my blood boil. How easy it is to jump to conclusion about others. I simply despair. There is a difference you know.
@Shail,
thats alright..nor have i managed to convey to you my views…
Shail,
Using the word “cheerleaders” was mistake.
I apologize. I didn’t mean any offense.
I read Ruchira’s reply and also your reply.
There is serious difference of opinion here between you and your fellow bloggers on one side and I.
I stand by all that I opined.
I also respect your views and that of your fellow bloggers and supporters.
Let us agree to differ.
I have been unwell for the past two days and am unable to reply point by point to your rebuttal and also that of Ruchira. I also don’t see any point in replying as the differences in thinking are basic and fundamental. Neither will be able to convince each other.
I am taking a short break and will return to reading your blog a little later.
Regards
GV
@G Vishwanath,
Thank you.
Yes there is a serious difference of opinion and agreeing to disagree seems to be the best option here.
Get well soon and be sure to get back to reading blogs 🙂
Looks like a lot of byte space has been spent on something that is so over rated. Marriage is an institution that reflects the good and bad in a particular society at a particular time. Like all social institutions it should evolve with time and reflect the aspirations of both sexes or one day it will become obsolete. This essay seems to tackle one particular type pf marriage viz “arranged marriage”. I agree with Shaila when she says that this type pf marriage is or has become over rated. This is primarily because it has failed to address the aspirations of the important half of it, the woman. To a large extent the dynamics that govern our society also govern marriages, so unless we change or dismantle those dynamics the institution of marriage will degenerate further. Without going into the post wedding scenario vis a vis arranged and love marriages at least in a love marriage it is done by ‘informed’ consent of both parties involved. So at least they have a good beginning. Our society should encourage more such matches and relationships (not necessarily weddings) even if they transcend caste,class,state and religious or even national barriers.
A very timely and relevant essay Shaila. I hope it raises awareness and will lead to a better dialogue and solution primarily for uplifting the status of women which will automatically lead to a more relevant institution of marriage.
P.S.
I am all for the institution of marriage.
@Vivek,
I am overjoyed by your comment. You see I was beginning to despair that there was something wrong with my post that prevented the male of the species from grasping the essence of it.
To put it bluntly, among the males, you are the only one who has ‘read’ and also understood this response of mine. You have put forward a meaningful solution (uplifting the status of women which will automatically lead to a more relevant institution of marriage) too. I can now rest assured that what I wrote is not lacking and is clear enough even to the males. Phew! 😉 😉
Of course I know you are for marriage. 🙂
shail, looks like a thought provoking post.
could not read as I m moving to india in 2 days .
packing shacking …….
shall read it deffinately later.
pl accept my comments a few days late .
@kirti,
Enjoy your holidays and come back to read this 🙂
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But I thought, by now, the marriage of second kind, which you mention in the last paragraph, is the one every educated person is opting for. Is it not true? However, even for this second kind of marriage, I think it is over rated. The first kind is stupidity of first order. Cant imagine people are still opting for it.
Yet another G? Welcome to Shail’s Nest 🙂
Ideally that is what anyone would expect every educated person to opt for. But hey, that’s not what’s happening. Stupidity rules it seems and what’s more, there are hordes to defend and perpetuate it as well.
I agree with you that even that second kind is overrated.
Thanks for dropping by.
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I haven’t known many malayalee women talking like you, except a few exceptions, so this had made me gloriously glad.! In a few words, if I put this “Proud to read this coming from a malayalee woman”. Because the malayalee women I’ve seen and known other than mom are women I would never wana emulate in my life.!
I agree. However, I do see a small change now where they are fighting for themselves. Have met one during a India trip a few years ago. We def need more women like Shail and the person I spoken too;.
Thank you 🙂
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I can’t really relate to this post because all the marriages I’ve seen have been happy. Even the arranged ones. And I don’t think marriage is an overrated institution, I think it’s beautiful. But maybe that’s co is watch too many movies.
I don’t know how I missed this comment. Thanks for your opinion. Yeah, I feel too that you have been watching too many movies 😉
Marriage is an individual’s choice and decision and till it is accepted like this in our society it will remain over rated and over hyped.
I agree! 🙂
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I agree with each word of yours…..have seen the “glossy covers” unravel around me many a times. Ugly truth its is…. 😦
Thanks for reading 🙂
Hey Shail,
I know this was written 3 years ago, but I have gotten into alot of discussions relating to this topic and I was able formulate my own view regarding this concept as I always think about it and go back and forth whether or not I should get married.
Marriages are supposed to have a certain meaning..love, unity, joy, and everlasting friendship with your spouse. However in today’s world, there really is no meaning. It’s a lot of work and in MOST marriages (over 90% I’d say), regardless of what country/culture one is from, there is only 1% happiness. Learned that from someone I know personally who had gone through her own struggles of marriage. Those who have very happy marriages are covered in luck (but there are very few people who are lucky in life and don’t really need to put in an effort to make things work, most of us have to suffer).
I agree that Marriage is not the be all end all aspect to your life. There are so many advantages and disadvantages in both being single and getting married. If you’re single, you can be more productive in society, help civilians, make society a better place, get your own needs done, fulfill personal desires and wishes, and also it will be easier for you to care for ailing parents/relatives. You can’t do that if you have a husband and kids. You will feel accomplished and satisfied with your life, and believe it or not, there was a survey recently done in the US, regarding who is more happier whilst being single or married, and it’s the single people who are the more happier than those who are married. However the downside is there may be a sense of loneliness when you are much older and are more prone to illness, and may be harder if you don’t have anyone close by to check on you once in a while. But there is a counterargument to this part, as we all know that life is not all in its glory form and curveballs are often thrown at us where we are in a deep pit suffering for some time. Many people lose their spouses young, or children lose their parents at a young age, so obviously they will have to endure the hardship and live single. DIVORCE is another thing as well. I don’t know how to put it, but I guess that by pointing out that counterargument, getting married or choosing to not marry is irrelevant to how it affects one’s life, we are prone to living single even after marriage because life in general is hard for MOST people since no one knows where life takes us at any time.
But in Indian society, it’s a big deal especially when you realize it’s conducted as a business and people rush to go shopping (get it..you have to pay to marry your spouse !!) for their bride/groom within a small period and just marry to avoid ridicule and meet societal expectations barely knowing the person and knowing what marriage really entails. Also they probably fear that they will be shunned from society if they don’t marry. But then again, luck strikes some and those who are lucky don’t really realize it. So yea the dowry, expensive gifts, sari shopping is all there. I don’t know if you know, but Kerala Catholics arrange a spouse for their son/daughter, get them engaged and THEN marry them off in within one month !. It’s BOOM BOOM BOOM ! Elsewhere, people take the time to know each other through dating, then engage a few years later and then marry a year or two after that (I prefer this method). I always questioned, why the rush? One thing I keep hearing is age. It is true to some extent, but in Indian society they freak out if you don’t marry and have kids (that’s another issue-you must have kids RIGHT AFTER you marry !) by like 24 ! Then you are too “old” !Thankfully the kids there are smarter and know better than the elders (thank god !) and trying to change things for the better, even though it’s seen as going against “culture and tradition” (would it matter? Culture and tradition in the sense of lifestyle change and evolve overtime, in ALL cultures)
That said, I agree about the role of both spouses in a marriage. It’s still 18th century style where women are left with the burden of all the responsibility and is the weaker one. Worst is the men and the in laws are entitled to treat the DIL as some kind of rag cloth whom they can abuse and manipulate easily. Only exception is when the couple moves from India, I tend to notice that men also take part in some of the responsibility-childcare, and keeping the house clean. (maybe not with all families). Nowadays, with the ever changing world, it just doesn’t work where one person does all the work and the other can just laze aroudn, and most women cannot nor dare speak up and keep hush hush. They are even afraid of leaving the marriage or divorce because of society stigma. I wish India can offer to teach women they are human beings too and not just robots who are enslaved after they are married. I mean, they deserve to live and enjoy life too !
To be honest, I feel apprehensive about marrying someone from India, unless the person grew up in the metros like Bangalore, and I’ve been warned to be careful and not fall into any traps, which I have seen happen with others. The pressure is already on me, but I’m not ready to marry anytime SOON, plus I would rather find someone on my own, get to know them for sometime, then decide whether to go further-rather than going through the so called “marriage market”, which I find pose alot of risks. We’re not items to be sold in Walmart! We’re people!
Also to forgot to add. So is marriage an overrated institution? My answer is to some extent, but not entirely. There are def good things about marriage, and it’s ok to encourage to marry, but it has to be up the person whose life will be a turn around depending on what is decided.
Thanks for your comment. My view has already been expressed very clearly in the blog and also in the comment to GV.
I have issues with some of the points in your comment. May be I will do a post or point them out in a comment when I do have time. 🙂
I feel I know what you were getting at, but needed to write what I personally felt. Sorry if I offended you in anyway, but feel free to point out what you disagree with. Def will use it as a learning opportunity 🙂
Reblogged this on Rashid's Blog.
Hi! Very interesting and candid post. Agree with most things you say despite being “happily” (insofar as that phrase applies to a relationship!) married to a guy who is more of a liberal and feminist or rather ‘equalist’ than me!
I believe change will come slowly. I observed the equality in my parents’ relationship and so am better positioned to negotiate equality with my spouse. I think we need to change the discussion from one about marriage to one about companionship and shared values. For those of us who want to live life on our terms, we need to know what we want and what we are looking for. And we need to have the space to make mistakes. Relationships get screwed up all the time! So what? A dear friend once told me that every friendship has an expiry date and that she would be happy to see me move on if I no longer cared for her! I’ve taken that advise very seriously, in being able to move on but also in taking care to nurture the relationships I care about. The same applies to a marriage. Women need to blot out the opinions that others (including their parents) might have and focus on on what they think and want. Easier said than done, but for the few who have the opportunity to exercise these principles to bow to an overrated sense of society is unforgivable and tragic!
Apologies for getting back so late. I think you make an excellent point.