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– a 55 word story
“Show me your lunch-box!” the mother-in-law demanded.
She obediently showed the small-sized rotis, the sparse vegetables.
“Three??!” she hissed spitefully, taking one out, throwing it to the dog.
At noon, her co-workers shared from their lunch-boxes.
Her eyes overflowed at their kindness, remembering with sadness, the unkind grandmother of the baby growing in her womb.
******* ******* *******
This is a fictionalized 55- word version of a real life incident that I came across a few years back. The lady was a well educated ‘working’ woman. Her lunch box used to be inspected daily by her mother-in-law before she left for work, for anything ‘extra’ she might be taking for lunch. She was allowed to take only 2 measly rotis with a little dry vegetable preparation. She was pregnant at the time I knew her. Not even the fact that the woman carried her grandchild seemed to make any difference to the old lady.
It certainly was not as if they could not afford a well balanced diet. Far from it, they were a well to do middle-class family. Perhaps the mother- in-law did not want her son’s hard earned money ‘squandered’ on her daughter-in-law. Of course it goes without saying that the old lady expected the daughter-in-law to bring home the money she earned as salary from her job outside and also do bhartr seva and mother-in-law seva.
Now don’t ask me what the husband was doing while all this was going on, his wife being overworked, not being allowed to eat enough to fill her stomach and his unborn child being deprived of valuable and necessary nutrition. In such cases they all do the same thing, sing ‘Jai ho’ to Mommy Dearest for carrying them for ten tough months (as if girl children weren’t born in a similar manner!!) and bringing them up with so much love (love?? WHAT love would that be when you make another human suffer??), conveniently forgetting by doing a perfect impersonation of a horse wearing blinkers, that that was exactly what his wife was trying to do . What they don’t see is not happening. Period.
What about the lady herself, an educated earning member of the family who silently goes through this humiliation, ill-treatment meted out to her?? Can’t she speak up for herself, the hordes ask in amazement, in obvious disdain. Why cannot she apprise her husband of the facts (as if he would help her!)?? Doesn’t she care about her unborn child?? Yeah, doesn’t she, indeed?!! Of course ideally she should maul out the eyes of speak up to those treating her thus. But the hordes who ask, are discounting one important factor, a tiny factor seemingly insignificant, which escapes their attention.
Most of these women have been brought up to believe that suffering silently somehow elevates them to the position of the ultimate woman. Now who doesn’t want to be the coveted ‘ultimate woman’ especially when you have been brainwashed into thinking that is nirvana, a goal that has been set out for them by everyone including parents??! She has been taught that the ideal woman has to take things lying down to earn the love and respect of her husband and his family. So unless the parents (= father AND mother) of girls dare look society in the eye and make it wilt and teach their daughters some self respect, how will she speak up against such injustice?? She doesn’t even know she is allowed to speak up!
Of course while they are at it, parents also have to teach their sons a few things as well, that women have NOT been created (by whoever does these things) for the express purpose of serving the man and his family, that life is about give and take, that women are thinking feeling humans like him, only biologically different. The practicals of these lessons start right in a man’s home by learning to respect his own mother and sister, treat them as persons, individuals, not as maids or housekeepers to him, till another one comes along to fill the post and the degree of In-Law is conferred on them, allowing them all to turn on the new entrant.
I can see some questions trembling on certain lips. Aren’t there mothers-in-law ill-treated by their daughters-in-law?? Of course there are. There are those who ill-treat their own parents too!! There is a tiny difference between the two forms though and that bothers me. When an older woman is ill-treated the society as a whole condemns it, but in the case of a young woman society gives its tacit approval, she is asked to accept things, adjust, change herself and ‘suffer whatever it takes’ to keep things going. This indifference of society and the sacrifice asked of a young woman, may I add a sacrifice asked of her unnecessarily and that which benefits NONE, even compromises the children, is indeed disturbing.
pallavi said:
What disgusts me most is the fact that WOMEN do this to other women. Why can they not be more sensitive?!!!
Me: The oppressed woman gets back (does she pause to think at whom exactly??) through sons for all she has gone through, by oppressing her own daughters-in-law. Strange, how easily she is able to forget her own experiences! It is the same with a lot of people. Grown ups forget what it was to be a confused teenager and are harsh with their children, those who have gone through the horrors of ragging in college are in the forefront of ragging the freshers…. Such short memories, such insensitivity, such lack of empathy, such love for power!!!
pallavi said:
Btw, a very good 55-er, Shail, as always.
Me: Thanks Pal! 🙂
Monika said:
I am trembling with anger right now.. do this to a pregnant lady? Wasn’t she ever pregnant herself???
These kinds of stories are make my belief that we are our biggest enemies even stronger… wondering how and when things will change?
Me: How can a woman do this to another?? A question without answer. I cannot imagine how you can deny food to a pregnant woman, even a stranger… and here you have someone in the middle of plenty refusing her own daughter-in-law from eating her fill. And she in all probability expects it as her right that she be taken care of by this same young woman in her old age!! I am not surprised you are angry, Monika, anyone with a heart would be.
Sraboney said:
A very good 55-er…
I really don’t know what to say…Like Pallavi, I too am wondering how a woman can do this to another woman…Women are their own worst enemies…This sati-savitri business is reinforced on TV and people like watching this stuff, so I guess, most people are not like you and I but like the MIL and DIL in your story…
Me: Thanks Sraboney. The soaps on telly go on and on with their stupid reasonings on how being the Doormat Woman is what womanhood is all about. BTW, I liked this post immensely, which spoke of Savitri in a different light! Sigh, I know most people are not like you and me, they really believe suffering quietly, going hungry et al will get them somewhere, yeah it will, to the nearest hospital or morgue in all likelihood!
Dreamer said:
You are absolutely right about the fact that society expects women to attain some sort of sainthood by being a doormat. I had a teacher in school who would tell us that women are supposed to “sahikkuka and kshamikkuka” and be like the “sarvam sahayaaya bhoomidevi”. Oddly enough there doesn’t seem to be any such gems of how wisdom teaching men how they should behave.
Me: I am a product of a generation that considered ‘attaining sainthood by being a doormat’ the ultimate for a woman. I despair seeing the soaps and films propagating the same ideas. Thankfully I have shaken off the indoctrinations like a dog shaking itself dry after a bath. Sahikkuka and kshamikkuka my foot! Likening a woman to Bhoomidevi, putting her on a pedestal, likening her to a Goddess and all such unnecessary and USELESS flattery only succeeds in keeping us women in fetters!!
hitchwriter said:
ridiculous ! totally thoughtless by the MIL !
Me: Ridiculous is right and extremely thoughtless. I was aghast and couldn’t believe my ears when I heard it.
Rashmi said:
Very nice 55-er Shailji.. the Sad Truth for many women.
I like sainthood yes, so in a way, I am the BooDevi, but I also know when to spew a Volcano, add a tsunami, bring in a storm, or have a wonderful grove of peace. ;).
Me: Thanks Rashmi. I liked sainthood. Note the past tense 😛 Lol. But I shed the image by the way-side. As for Bhoodevi and the volcano, tsunami, storm, grove of peace et al… of course you speak for me as well (as usual)! 😉
Lakshmi said:
Such a truthful post. You are so right in pointing out the notion about this “ultimate woman”. Uncountable faces come to my mind who could or strive to fit that definition. I sometimes feel guilty if I take the last piece of chocolate from the box, but I agree I do not want to be that “ultimate woman”.
Does the MIL not even have consideration towards her own grandchild who is growing in the womb?
Me: Welcome to my page Lakshmi. The present definition of the ‘ultimate woman’ is definitely not in woman’s favor. I know of a MIL who waits for her grandsons to go to sleep at night before she fries fish as otherwise she will have to give it to them too. As for the DIL she doesn’t even bother. The son is working abroad. And yes, this is ‘real’ life, sadly!
Sandhya said:
A very good 55er, Shail. ‘Penne pennukku yediri’ – Tamil proverb. Woman herself is the enemy of another woman. Very rarely we hear about FIL giving problem to DIL. Just insecurity, I think. This MIL is worse than the normal cases. She is hurting a pregnant woman, that too with her own grand child. I think the husband should be blamed for this problem if the woman has’t got the guts to do it.
Me: Thanks Sandhya. That proverb seems apt. I have seen the lady in question and believe me no one would believe on seeing her that she was capable of driving another, a younger one, almost to the brink of suicide. If the husband spoke up, it would definitely have helped.
Indyeah said:
:(:(
need to come later and re-read this Shail…the anger and the helplessness is too much…
Me: Indy, how nice to see you back. Congrats once again.
I can understand the anger on reading this. I shall await your comments.
Basanta said:
A very truthful post! Such incidents are very common in our society. And the real solution will start, as you have said, when parents teach their daughters self-respect and their sons respect to women.
Me: Thanks Basanta. Yes, instead of teaching wrong lessons of unnecessary subservience, lessons in self respect are what girls need. As for boys, their lessons in respecting women starts with the father respecting the mother is what I feel.
Phoenixritu said:
I read this twice Shail and could not bring myself to comment. It hit too close home. My mother in law was a similar control freak and I also went through a period when I tried to “attain the sublime self sacrificing pinnacle of womanhood”. Makes me puke to think of it ….
It happens, oh yes it happens ….
Me: Oh yes, it happens!! Especially trying to attain the ‘sublime self sacrificing pinnacle of womanhood’!! …..And it hits you even after years, even after you have left it all behind and become one strong woman. Yessir it does! Been there done that 🙂
balvinder said:
very pertinent post Shail. But this is a vicious circle. A girl is born. She gets married, is ill treated by her in-laws, particularly m-i-l, and when she becomes m-i-l she ill treats her d-i-l. This has to stop somewhere, and i think it is the husband and the father-in law who are in a position to do so. d-i-l can’t raise her voice for the fear of being shunted out or burnt.
So cruel of the old lady who is torturing the unborn baby by keeping the d-i-l hungry.
i have seen this kind of behavior from very close quarters that i will write about in my blog sometime.
Me: Hmm… right, the vicious circle has to be broken somewhere some time! We give strangers food when we see them hungry. How can an old lady do this to her son’s wife and grandchild??
Awaiting your post on what you have noticed, Balvinder.
Irina said:
I liked your post..warm regards.
Me: Welcome Irina and thanks. 🙂
arch said:
One person who could have changed the situation was the husband. Funny how its still the mother in law who is evil!! She might not know any better…she must have had to go thru the same things herself….no?
Me: That bit really puzzles. You go through an experience and come out of it, grow older (and wiser??) only to inflict it on someone else??!!
raj said:
FICTIONALIZED??? Agreed!!
Most of these stories (of suffering DIL’s) are one sided and fiction … and your arguments???…. I ask you, if educated women wearing latest clothes etc behave like such suffering DIL’s then its obvious… then whats the use of all that education?? or is it a personal choice to remain sufferers (or is it a ploy to wallow in sympathy of others?)
Its all individualized and not so prevalent everywhere as you are projecting…. its easy to be carried away by such sentiments.
Will you treat your DIL in such a way? if not, then most MIL’s dont.
Rgds
Raj
Me: Welcome to my blog page Raj. That’s an interesting observation/conclusion you make.
“Will you treat your DIL in such a way? if not, then most MIL’s dont.”
Hmmm… this means that if I were to kick my future daughter-in-law (Dear girl, wherever you are, please bear with me as this is one all important experiment that will have to be done, to prove once and for all if the world really treats its DILs the way I am going to treat you …. ahem… in some distant future), it then proves conclusively that most MILs in fact kick their DILs. Right?? 🙂 😆 If the rest of the world were to really go by my ways (which in itself is an impossibility) let me assure you there is going to be utter chaos everywhere. Lol, Are you really ready to take such unconventional behavior from the MILs of the world or even DILs??!! Hehe.., I bet no one is. So better not drag ‘me’ or what I would do into this.
Jokes apart, would you then say that because one government official does not accept bribe MOST ALL people working in our government offices don’t accept bribes?? Sorry, I don’t subscribe to your views.
It appears you have missed what I have already mentioned in my post about the possible reasons for women suffering silently. You rightly ask what has education done (modern wear or traditional does not make a difference is my opinion) in such cases. Yes, I ask too, what has education done?? But then the education is not only to help those oppressed to speak up. Education also has to instill other values in you, like not abusing power, not ill-treating those in your care physically or verbally, not standing mute when you see injustice etc So what are the educated MILs doing?? BTW, speaking up is not the prerogative of the DIL alone. If the equally if not more educated husband keeps quiet, of what use is his education??
As for ‘being carried away by such sentiments’, those who go overboard about things and those who deny it vehemently are BOTH in the same boat of sentiments, on opposite ends is all!! 😆 Moving to the centre helps understand matters better. I hope and believe that writing on this topic at my age, when I am poised to be an MIL myself, gives me the advantage of a ‘central’ view.
Anyway thanks for the feedback. Cheers.
raj said:
On second thoughts….
I read the responses of others and found not one single instance where they wrote about their own experiences with their MIL’s.
only strain of thought in all responses were… how could she do this to another woman..that too pregnant???
Thats why i say its all individualized and not a common feature.
Rgds
RAj
Me: An interesting observation again about ‘responses of others’ Raj. 🙂 Permit me to disagree with you. Those who comment are not under any obligation/compulsion to confess their own experiences (if they do have one) with their MILs, here in a public forum unless they want to. And believe me, a lot of us don’t pour out our bitter experiences here in deference to the feelings of our families.
Besides, when we hear of something that shocks us, even rare occurrences, isn’t it a natural reaction to ask, ‘How could she??’ What else do you think a HUMAN BEING’s first reaction would be on reading of such atrocities??
And it does surprise greatly that you did not find it shocking (leave aside its prevalence for the moment) that one human being was denying food to another which food was by right hers too. We feed even unknown beggars on the streets.
Renu said:
I feel so much frustration and anger at this treatment and then inlaws and husband expect the girl to respect them.
Even My MIl never wanted me to have any goodies, but my husband would never eat anything not given to me, and she could do all this to me when we have been staying together all her life, ( my FIL died long back) , even today after so many years, she hasnt realised that, I give her all the care in her old age, thinking that looking after her is better charity than going outside to do it.and decided then and there , that I will always love my DIL like my own girl.
Women are always enemy of woman only, men are still better.
Me: Exactly, where will the respect come from in such cases?? BTW that strategy from your husband was well done. See, this is what I mean. A mother’s irrational behavior can be countered by the sons. But I know many men who wouldn’t bother and expect the wife to eat what was ‘allowed’ by his mother. The puzzling question is, why the MILs cannot see that by such behavior they are harming the life of their own son??! And of course what we can do is not to be like them, never repeat their mistakes.
sumi said:
meanness is the MILs name. Blame it on the husband only for being a momma’s boy and not being a supportive husband. how cud one be so inhuman to the pregnant lady especially.
Me: Welcome to my blog Sumi. Quite a few of them are mean I agree. But they were daughters-in-law too once upon a time. How can they forget so easily?? Yes, in this case it was totally unwarranted and cruel behavior on the MIL’s part.
Govind said:
Why does everyone blame the son?
when its his mother the guilty one.
To her harassing is so much fun
A woman’s greatest enemy is woman.
Honestly does a man stand a chance against his warring wife and mother? Either he is called Momma’s boy or accused of hiding behind his wife’s pallu. There is no objectivity to his actions and reasons.Hope I have stirred the hornet’s nest. 🙂
Me: Stirred the hornet’s nest or not, I love your four-liner!! And to a great extent, I agree that ‘A woman is woman’s greatest enemy’ even before the MIL-DIL relationship starts. It starts with the mother. To be fair, the man’s role as I see it is one-third (though our society being man-centric, it certainly is more than that and the DIL’s role cannot really be said to be one-third in your wildest imagination, but leave it aside for the moment) And in that one-third responsibility that is his, the son fails in most cases. When his one-third is combined with the one-third of his mother’s role, they become a deadly duo against the new entrant to their house. Of course, tacit approval, non-committal silences are all part of the son throwing in his lot with the mother against the wife, though many men (mistakenly) think it is being neutral. (If a friend is unfairly accused a man jumps to his defence. But when it is his wife, he remains silent. What a skewed sense of justice is this??!) If it were real ‘nishpakshatha‘ (not taking sides) on the son’s part, then the DIL should be allowed to play her role as an equal; she should not be shackled in any way by unwritten rules and codes of conduct imposed by society that define what an ideal bahu is.
Of course the woman who turns into an ogre of a MIL AFTER herself undergoing such treatment at her own MILs hands is the most puzzling of all. Power goes to people’s head and makes them unrecognizable I guess. The secret is NOT to vest so much power in the hands of one individual (MIL). But what the sons and the monster society does is give more and more power to that one person by unwritten sanctions…
mythili said:
Shail
The woman who decides to leave is called the Troublemaker.isn’t life all about adjusting for no life is prefect is soceity motto.
For this life is not always rosy and adjusting is the way of life is what is preached by parents and relatives of the woman.If she ends it all and leaves , she has made poor judgement and does not want to make her marriage work.
Me: If life is all about ‘adjusting’ Mythi, my question is why not ‘adjustment’ to life after leaving someone?? Must the ‘adjustment’ be only done by staying with a person you cannot get along with??!! Weird ideas people have. So if life isn’t rosy, why can’t life be ‘not rosy’ by making a ‘poor judgement’ (according to others) and ‘not wanting to make your marriage work’ (again according to others)?? Why is life’s ‘non-rosiness’ acceptable to these others only when you adjust to a situation they want you to accept?? Life is not all rosy wherever you are. So it is for each of us to decide which non-rosy scenario we prefer, not for others to push down our throats is what I believe. Cheer up!
anjugandhi said:
hi first time on ur blog
a real touching narration.
somehow i really wonder how can a woman be the enemy of another woman. how can a mother in law forget that her bahu is her son’s wife and mother of her grandchildren. if a mil really cares for her son then she should take care of all those things which belongs to her beloved son but this is not so
even after so much education, so much enlightenment the conditions remains the same/
even the so called modern, educated young mother inlaws suddenly change their colours once they become mother in laws.
even i am a bahu and at times even i feel why should a bahu be subjected to so much pain.
how can a mother in law forget that even she had undergone the same treatment from her mil. rather she should be more understanding towards the pains of another woman
but may be it is like IF I HAVE SUFFERED THEN I SHOULD MAKE OTHERS ALSO SUFFER
and have you ever realized that there are different set of norms, values and rules for a bahu and a beti under the similar situations
sometimes i am ashamed of all those woman and myself also when i think that another woman like myself is being tortured by another member of my sex
shame on all those mils
and shame on all those bahus who tolerate it
Me: Welcome to my page Anjugandhi. I have read some of your posts and have seen your comments in some of the blogs I frequent.
I think along the same lines as you. How can anyone forget that this creature called ‘bahu’ aka DIL is part of the son’s life?? Doesn’t the MIL understand she is harming her own child and making his life miserable while alienating the DIL?? I have seen it among the MILs of my previous generation and now I am seeing it among my peers too. No mother who cares for her son, and I mean really care, not mere show, will ever alienate the DIL by oppressing her. It is so crazy how some of them go about establishing their ‘rights’ over the son, AFTER marrying them off.
Yes, I know too that different rules and regulations exist for the DILs and daughters.
Most pertinent question, how can a MIL forget she was a DIL once??!!
Maddy said:
Its Shail usual post on this topic.So I am not surprised.
I wonder what on earth the husband was doing in this case. I am sure husband can’t stand only one one side in all the situations and occasions.But this one for sure, he sholud know which side he need to take.
I agree with you – 1/3 of the problem lies with husbands.But when he excercise his bit of it,I doubt if that is taken in the right manner either by mother or wife.So,he is like cat in the wall.
In most of the cases like this… MIL & DIL drift apart slowly and develop a kind of hatred and trying to figure out the mistakes of the other and blow up the issues wheneven they get chances. From love(if at all exists from the beginning) the graph moves towards hate in MIL & DIL Case and no point of return.Whereas for Men, the hate doesn’t happen or happens very very slowly.
Me: First and foremost, what is a ‘usual’ Shail post?? If the word ‘usual’ is used in connection with me (especially my blogs), I take that as an insult. The maximum number of my posts deal with my family. So how did this become a ‘usual Shail post‘??!! Is there even such a category called ‘usual Shail post’??!!! *checks categories on right panel*
Ok, now that matter is out of the way.
“But when he exercise his bit of it, I doubt if that is taken in the right manner either by mother or wife.” Your words.
When someone does his or her bit, what is really more important?? I will give my answer because I don’t know how you or any one else thinks. My concern will be that injustice should be stopped. If in the process either one of the parties ‘don’t take it right‘ I will accept that with sadness. Sometimes people misunderstand your actions, does that mean you don’t do what is right?? How come a husband even thinks, whether the mother or wife ‘take things in the right manner‘ when someone is being oppressed?? Is ‘taking things in the right manner‘ the priority in such cases??
Definitely in most such cases hatred develops between MIL and DIL and goes to a point of no-return. Naturally the man does not develop hatred, remember, it is his mother !! If his father-in-law were to do something similar to this, the man would probably murder the FIL on the spot. But, when it comes to a woman the expectation still exists in everyone’s heart that she love and serve such a cruel MIL and earn moksha, unbelievable though it may seem.
Thanks for the comment Maddy.
Psst, just now I asked my friend, what he thought is a ‘usual Shail post’ and the answer that I got was this: “for me its something funny with lots of “digressions” but in which you always have something to tell”
My conclusion: You find what you look for. 😆 😀
Maddy said:
To answer to your question..What is a “Usual Shail post”? Its nothing but your writing and calling a “”spade a spade” on the subject and especially on MIL & DIL issues.
It was a compliment only and not otherwise Shail. I read your blog as “blog” only unless you specifically mention it as your story. So no question of… me connecting you or your family. There is nothing personal. If you feel so, please clear that from your mind.
“You said, If in the process either one of the parties ‘don’t take it right‘ I will accept that with sadness.” Do you think the mother would take it in the right manner, if her son point out her mistake? I am sure not. If she was capable enough to accept her mistake, she would not even think of doing what she had done.
You said…Sometimes people misunderstand your actions, does that mean you don’t do what is right??… Absolutely I agree with you. Please note I also insist, husband should stand for his wife in this case for sure. No doubt about it.
What I tried to say was, When husband tries to act according to his conviction(again we can argue- whether his convictions will be correct always), his actions might be misunderstood either by mother or wife because of not taking side with them( irrespective of who is right and who is not). This dilemma is there in general. Sometime it leads to inaction from his side or time lapse before his action.
I would agree what you said about SIL doing to FIL, but again I would relate that to similar hatred between MIL and DIL only. Still as husband loves his mother, a daughter loves her father and family, though probably she might not or allow to express.
Thank you with a handshake as “usual”.
Me: ” When husband tries to act according to his conviction(again we can argue- whether his convictions will be correct always), his actions might be misunderstood either by mother or wife because of not taking side with them( irrespective of who is right and who is not). This dilemma is there in general. Sometime it leads to inaction from his side or time lapse before his action. ”
Me: As usual, I can tell you what I will do. I will simply do what I think is ‘just’ because they are both people I love. If my children are having a fight, and one is hitting the other, I don’t keep silent thinking whether either of them ‘will take right‘ what I am going to do or say. I am not going to stand by idly letting one of them kill the other because I am worried about what they may interpret my words or action as. Of course, being a human, I may make mistakes in my decisions. But at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I tried to do what I thought was right, what I thought best for the moment rather than being a silent spectator and abettor of injustice.
I have given my example. I know others don’t think like me. So perhaps it is understandable 🙂
You say, ” If she was capable enough to accept her mistake, she would not even think of doing what she had done.” Does that somehow excuse a MILs behavior?? If so that is atrocious!! She won’t understand so let another suffer?? And WHY should a stranger who stepped into the family do that?? Besides, just imagine, this ‘convenient excuse‘ is something that can be used by each one of us to shield ourselves from the result of our wrong actions!! (I am not capable enough to understand my mistake, that is why I am what I am!) So if someone is not capable of accepting her mistake, you give her more power and let her sit on the throne and bow down low before her as is happening everywhere now ………or ask her politely, if not rudely, to get down, relinquish power?? I know what I’d do. 🙂
MILs who dominate and harass are nothing but plain bullies in mother’s clothes. Period. Now, if the son likes being bullied, it is his wish of course. But he has no right to let it happen to his wife. So the least a son can do is (my opinion of course) request his mother (kindly, no need even for firmness) that if she likes bullying so much, to confine the bullying to him and leave his wife alone. I think this any man can say to his mother?? I hope so!
As for the compliment of ‘calling a spade a spade’ (Yes I take that as and accept is as a great compliment) THANK YOU! I guess I did not understand what you said in your previous comment.
Lakshmi Rajan said:
Very good 55-f !
Lets keep aside the gender issue from this : Root of all such problem is created by a combination of insecurity in their own life , over-possesiveness and a sadistic pleasure.
Me: Right! But its hard to do that when this “combination of insecurity …… , over-possessiveness and a sadistic pleasure.” is explained away with ease by the other gender. It is surprising how many men fly to the rescue of a woman, the mother in the avatar of an oppressive MIL , with explanations to excuse their behavior. No sister, wife, daughter or girl friend, even if she were an angel in human form, would ever get the same treatment!!
BTW, welcome to my blog-space Lakshmi and thanks.
Govind said:
There is a song in Tamil,which goes like this’Thirudane parthu thirunthavittal thiruttai nirutha mudiathu’. Roughly translated it means unless a thief decides tochange his ways you cannot stop theft.
Hasn’t the MIL undergone harassment herself, will not stop her from harassing her DIL.
Hasn’t a student undergone ragging, will not stop him from ragging.
It is about the sense of Power one derives in these acts and nobody questioning them only encourages them. It need not be the son, it can be the DIL herself.
Like a bully, these characters slink away when confronted.It is the lack of confrontation which fuels their behaviour.I rest my case, your honour. 🙂
Me: That is exactly my point Govind. A bully MIL is at heart a coward and only thrives on the divine sanction given by a complaisant society. She will remain a bully as long as no one dares confront or question her actions, like it happens in every other type of abuse we come across. In fact it is her position as the Goddess Mother Who Can Do No Wrong and the power which comes with it that she misuses so blatantly, in spite of having walked the route of a DIL in her younger days.
You may rightly rest your case Mr. Nimishakavi. I am so happy somebody has seen this point.
Usha said:
Shail… long time since I was here 🙂 And glad to be reading once again from you! The 55 er was so so real, really! Succinctly captured the insidious horror, that no one really notices, and one, that as you have said, society sanctions blatantly!
The comments, too, and your replies are very very much in place!
Best wishes for the New Year!
Me: Usha it so wonderful to see you here. Society’s blatant sanction of this injustice and the refusal to teach our daughter’s some self respect are the two points that bothers me so much. I have noticed that girls with some self respect who stand no nonsense from the MIL are treated better by the MIL in spite of some tongue lashing when compared to the totally docile ones. They are treated very badly.
A happy Tweny Ten to you and yours Usha! And don’t disappear please!!!!!
antarman said:
very thought provoking..these situations are always double edged swords…Today I see many DILs taking MILs for a ride.and feel sad that will this circle of victimisation ever end..only victims are changing…I know of a friend who after being a victim of MIL gave her DIl everything she herself lacked, all the love, pampering, freedom, but what she gets in return..an ungrateful and rude DIl who never thinks twice before saying anything…so its a very complex issue and needs different solutions in different situations…sometimes an strong husband only spoils the situation, may be if the girl was righteous and strong and FIl stands for right, conditions may change.
Me: DILs taking MILs for a ride though not common has been around since long too. But like I have mentioned in my post, in the case of the DIL society, including her parents thinks it is NORMAL to be oppressed by MIL. So they expect her to stay put and ‘suffer’ (in every way) to gain their respect and achieve ‘moksha’.
Now I cannot agree with what you say that a strong husband will make matters worse and it is the DIL and FIL have to stand for right. WHY?? The son here is the DIL’s husband. Together THEY are a team, supporting each other. The husband HAS to stand up for his wife if she is picked on. Won’t you expect the wife to support the husband in all his difficulties?? So isn’t the duty of the husband the same?? FIL can support them if he so wishes. But as far as the son (the husband) is concerned he cannot get out of his duty of standing up for his wife. You are saying ‘may be if the girl were righteous’ Why only the girl, why not her husband?? It is his own house and if he cannot be righteous in his own house why do we expect the girl to have the courage?? Personally (and this is my very own personal opinion) I cannot respect any man who remains a mute spectator when his wife is being harassed by his mother/parents.
Indeed it is a complex issue and needs individual solutions in the different cases. But for any solution to be arrived at we should have girls brought up with self respect, boys who respect women. And that is the gist of my blog. Don’t teach the girls that it is alright to suffer silently or that she must do so. No good comes of it, not to anyone.
Happy Kitten said:
What a strong post as always….This world indeed needs more strong woman like you..
nd I agree, if all DIL’s can develop this strength then the MIL’s can be made to follow suit.. you have put it very well in your own comment..
“She will remain a bully as long as no one dares confront or question her actions, like it happens in every other type of abuse we come across.”
Even I blv in it.. one can isult you as long as one allows it.. or as Gandhiji himself quoted ..
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
but then problem is that a DIL (young as she is to the world’s ways) steps into a new environment expecting the support of those in it and she sees that not even her own husband who swore by the Gods to protect her, cherish her, love her has failed to do his duty…sometimes this fight is not easy..
and as Antarman commented.. I have seen DIL’s too who are the epitome of selfishness…
so we have all of them in this society of ours..
but let me vote for women who have a strong sense of justice and hence will not allow injustice to her own self too…
Me: The world sometimes makes strong women out of the not-so-strong too 🙂 Well, I actually meant that society as a whole and the son should also stand up against the MIL who bullies and also treat a DIL at par (after all she is an adult) to them and let her deal with the oppression rather than condemn her when she stands up for herself as unworthy wife/DIL material
You are absolutely right, DIL is young and in a new house and is being intimidated without any one standing up for her. It is an uneven equation. She is also bound by the image of the ultimate woman (who suffers silently) she has been brainwashed with.
As for selfish DILs they too have been around since long. The difference is no MIL is told by society or anyone else that it is her fate and she has to meekly accept it. But DILs are asked to accept any wrongdoing in the name of Pati Parmeshwar. A MIL can walk away (only if she has the means of course) from a selfish DIL. But for the DIL there is no way out.
No injustice to our own selves is a lesson girls need to be taught, rather than blind obedience.
Thanks Happy Kitten 🙂
Sorcerer said:
well written and touching 🙂
going through your old posts
Me: Thank you Sorcerer 🙂
indianhomemaker said:
I don’t think an MIL can get away with such horrible, inhuman cruelty without her son’s tacit support. If the Son’s feelings were not involved, the DIL would have no reason to put up with such indignity. When a husband supports his wife, I have seen nobody dares to bother the wife. Just ignoring her refusal to get her tiffin checked can be a form of support. There is a lot of brainwashing involved and son feels it’s his duty to ensure his wife respects his mother.
Tradition can make us forget common sense.
If the wife objects and the mother in law is offended – there is every chance that the ‘innocent’ son (who probably has no respect for his mother or any woman otherwise, in such a family)will ask her to apologise to the MIL. I know of a boy who wanted to divorce his wife for not ‘respecting’ his mother. The mother had assured the father of a two year old daughter, that she would get him a prettier wife.
Ideally I feel a young couple should live in their own house, so that there is one place that is ‘home’ to the girl also. A lot of such cruelty can be controlled if the couple has some personal space.
Me: Agree totally with your comment IHM. When that tacit approval exists, the MIL is emboldened for further action. A supportive husband can put an end to it. A man who cannot respect his wife does NOT respect or love his mother either. Period. It is only delusion on the mother’s part that a son who accepts mutely her autocratic behavior to his wife, is showing his love to her by remaining silent. He only cares about his own selfish self (my personal opinion) and not for either women in his life.
Of course a couple should ideally set up home away from both sets of parents. I am all for it. Less interference, less cruelty and better foundation to a marriage. Thanks IHM. 🙂
indianhomemaker said:
I agree with you Shail, “As for selfish DILs they too have been around since long. The difference is no MIL is told by society or anyone else that it is her fate and she has to meekly accept it. But DILs are asked to accept any wrongdoing in the name of Pati Parmeshwar. A MIL can walk away (only if she has the means of course) from a selfish DIL. But for the DIL there is no way out.
Me: Thanks IHM
crusader said:
I just wanted to say that YOU come across as an extremely JEALOUS and EVIL woman because you COULDN’T stand the LOVE your husband had for his parents.
You hated your husband’s innocent & loving parents because you wanted your husband to forget them just bcoz you were in his life and pick up fights with them (for no rhyme or reason).
You feel that men should forget their parents & siblings after marriage as if they never existed and if someone doesn’t, YOUR MONSTROSITY rears its ugly head.
Love your EVIL WAYS and DOUBLE STANDARDS for you think it is right if a man loves his wife & fulfills all her whims and fancies and still he isn’t a DOG but the moment he expresses his LOVE for his parents/bro/sis, he becomes a loyal DOG.
Any, SANE visitor who might chance upon your blog can see through your lies.
My heart goes out to your MIL; well not because you failed as a DIL (she didn’t even have those expectations) but because YOU failed as human being.
All your MIL wanted is that since she loves you like her own, you should also do the same.
The least she wanted was that you shouldn’t try to snatch the hubby from her for your hubby is her son first and what she did for him you will never be able to do for him (even in your dreams)
NEXT TIME, YOU SHOULD MISBEHAVE WITH YOUR OWN PARENTS (not your husband’s) AND ASK YOUR BROTHER & HIS WIFE (if, you have one) TO JOIN IN TOO AND THEN SEEK PLEASURE FROM THEIR AGONY.
shail said:
Excuse me while I laugh out VERY loud at your ridiculous comment my dear Crusader. BTW, WHAT exactly is your crusade about?! SAVING THE IN LAWS OF THE WORLD or something to that effect?
You poor misguided man/woman, I pity you your IGNORANCE. But hey, I won’t blame you, since you don’t know me or my husband or my in laws. But of course not knowing should not stop you from judging and assuming things. Lol.
Guess what, I really am JEALOUS AND EVIL. But kya karein, that’s how my in laws like me. Tada! Gotcha there! Too bad that you don’t approve or agree with them. So the least you can do is bugger off from my blog page and mind your own goddamn business while we continue our jealous and evil life. Or else they are going to be mighty pissed off with you.
BTW, my MIL says she has her own lawyer to plead her case and does not need the likes of you fighting for her. Thank you. She says, she’d rather die than accept your help.*shudder*
For your info, I regularly misbehave with my parents and whaddya know, my brother and SIL also do that. But we are all very happy with our evil ways. What I don’t understand is WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM with that?! If I may offer some unsolicited advice (the least I can give to the SANE person who dropped to my blog page and gave his unasked opinion of me) just get yourself tested for finding out why exactly you feel the urge to go and call people names on their blogs and make
ridiculousoh sorry, such wise conclusions about their life. I hope you get better soon. Do come back when you are.ddeepa said:
He he he, ROTFL! 🙂 I would say you need to see a doctor, but you’re so so so beyond help Buddy!
Anshuman said:
Wow – crusader! I am amazed that you could actually write this gobbledegood comment. So there actually are i*ots like you in this world. Makes me believe Darwin’s theory that we have come from monkeys even more. Though i am not sure I would use the word “evolve” here!
As for the blogger – Shail, please do keep writing. You have an amazing way with words and your posts are honest. I am sure there are many otehrs who feel the same way, and your posts remind them that they are not alone. Kudos.
shail said:
And I took the trouble of answering the moron’s comment above as a WARNING to other morons who might have similar ideas brewing in their no good heads.
ddeepa said:
I wish there was a Like button here 🙂
crusader said:
To cut things short, (well I had planned an extremely long post but I got accidently deleted; how amusing; isn’t it) I will just like to say that you paid heed only to the personal comments but not to the strong sentiment behind it for you feel that it is RIGHT:-
For a man to always stand up for his wife (no matter how evil she is) against his parents but a man can’t & should never stand up for his parents against his wife (no matter how innocent & kind his parents are & have been to his wife)
Now, before you say that definition of ‘evil’ is subjective, I would like to give an example.
I can cite several others.
A woman who harbours strong feelings of animosity for her MIL simply because she (ie, the MIL) is more gorgeous than her and the MIL’s style quotient is quite high compared to hers. (don’t laugh it off; there are such MILs & it’s not a fantasy) and secretly desires her MIL to splash acid instead of rose-water on her own face a part of her daily routine (and the DIL has plenty of time at hand to mantain hers, she isn’t expected by the MIL to work for her nor does she do it; it was important for me to clarify before you start offering your sympathy to the DIL) expects her husband to pick up fights with his parents misguided by her sinister intentions. It helps the DIL to vent her frustration/feelings (and she believes that turning the son (ie. her husband) against his own mother would serve her purpose(s).
So, would it be wrong if the husband is able to realize her motives and asks her to shut up and defends her own mother or should his mother now scar her own face to soothe her jealous DIL’s heart so that she can feel a great sense of relief the next time she looks at the mirror??
And, you shouldn’t speak for your MIL since you sincerely believe that the MIL shouldn’t meddle with DIL’s affairs so the reverse also holds true.
Maybe, you sought her permission (since this particular matter relates to her) before mentioning her opinion of me in your post, then that’s prefectly fine.
Yes, I made assumptions, quite intense ones because your writing always seem to have a tinge of anti-parent sentiment (ie for the guys’ parents) and is surely gives me and many other readers a fake impression that you strongly believe that a DIL is always tormented and the a married son’s/son’s parents are always wrong.
This is not correct and can never be.
You will and do certainly come across as someone who feels that a pain/love of a mother (who doesn’t deserve love & sympathy) of a son is less than that of a daughter & hence you would have certainly mistreated your in-laws.
Don’t let your close alliances that regularly visit your forum and routinely sing your praises here fool you into believing otherwise.
Your crusade against joint families by painting them as place designed for torture for the DILs (you cite your own life instances involving your own sons but there your own and involve your relation dynamics; why do you try to impose your way of living on others?)
You also feel that Indian society lends a ear to MIL woes but turns away from the DIL when in reality the image of a monstrous MIL has been fixated for too long in the minds of Indian society so much so that society/law naturally gives in to the DIL’s pleas (regardless of how genuine; they might/might not be)
You have divided the world into the son’s parents and the daughter’s parents (in your posts) there are people in between who have both sons and daughters. Now, let’s NOT go ahead and say that the same parents switch between alternating colours of black (as son’s parents) & white (as daugher’s parents) by the ‘power’ vested in them by the society.
What matters most is their inherent nature; if some one is inherently good and doesn’t know how to hurt anyone, he/she will always be good as a father/mother/FIL/MIL ( to son/daughter etc.)
You may not publish my comment but a little soul-searching is what you need.
Signing off
A crusader who justly supports the rights of people
shail said:
My dear Crusader. OMG! So the problem is you are a Gorgeous MIL and your DIL resents that? THAT is the root of all this? Calling me names and acting like a troll??!!
Please don’t expect me to answer all that trash you have posted. I will surely make a post of it some day perhaps,. But I have better things to do today. So keep visiting if you wanna find the answers.
Good day to you!
phoenixritu said:
Arent you a wonderful piece of work? You seem to think that daughter in laws are evil and instigate poor sons to leave their parents … tell me seriously, has your son done that? In fact after reading both your comments – and let me tell you it was hard to read through so much vitriol – I think he is smart if he did so. I sincerely advise you to go for therapy and take up meditation. It will help you through all the negativity that you have. BTW I am a mother in law and my daughter in law lives with me, happily. I do not inspect her tiffins or even care what she does during the day or evening. If we meet – its a warm thing. If we dont, which happens on days at end because both of us are busy, it does not matter.
shail said:
@Crusader, Excuse me, I am NOT going to publish anymore comments from you to me. If you want to keep writing essays, be my guest.
Give you MY view? Is this a bloody joke? First you brand me the EVIL and JEALOUS MONSTROSITY’ and then want me to answer your questions. Wow you have some nerve. This sort of manipulation is NOT going to work. Learn the basics of a conversation before you attempt one. Besides you owe me an apology for all the accusations you leveled against me based on YOUR OWN PERSPECTIVE and (LACK OF) understanding of what I write.
Vivek said:
Wow! What an outpouring of self righteous(?) anger and how very judgmental. Crusader of the Don Quixote variety, you have painted the relationships of the author with her husband and her in laws in such a manner that if they read your comments they will either start wondering whether you are a fly on the wall or you have the super vision of ‘Sanjaya’. However you have tried to redeem yourself a bit in your second comment by trying to be more balanced.
It is agreed that there are no clear cut villains or heroes in most cases but the 55er was not about that. It was a story of a woman wronged by another who happened to be her mother in law and who could do it exactly because of that relationship. Unfortunately for our society such cases are replicated, revised, refined over and over again. Of course there are cases of MIL’s being treated horribly too. But how many? Fortunately for our society, very less. If you have a story to tell about them you have your blog page to do so. Just to enlighten you further I will quote from a research paper
” The statistics on bride-burning, an arguable form of gendercide, are appalling and on the rise. For instance, India gained its independence in 1947. Between 1947 and 1990, approximately 72,000 young brides between the ages of 15-20 years old were burned to death, an average of 1, 674 murders per year. Between 1990 and 1998 alone, more than 20,000 women were killed, an average of 2,500 murders per year. In 1995, the Indian government reported that an estimated 6,500 women per year die as a result of dowry-related deaths.
However, this statistic is contradicted by other, unofficial statistics, which state the figure at approximately 25,000 women per year being murdered as a result of dowry related deaths.”
Mind you these are only dowry related death statistics. You might also want to read the full paper here
Click to access lakhani.pdf
On a parting note ” Loving the mother is absolutely great, but not loving the wife just because the mother does not approve of her is an unpardonable crime.”
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Roshni said:
Finally got the chance to read about your famous ‘crusader’!! ahahhahahahah!!!
I loved your 55-er, by the way! Let me tell you about my MIL. My MIL was treated very badly, probably in a similar fashion as your fictitious MIL, by HER MIL! So much that she promised herself that she would never treat any of her DILs the same way. And, she kept her word! She is the most non-interfering, helpful and affectionate MIL’s that I know of. I am lucky to be her bahu. The fact remains that we can break the cycle but we need to have the awareness and the compassion to do so, and we don’t need any man’s help or hindrance to do so!!
shail said:
That’s the exactly the point. You go through some suffering in life, you make sure it does not happen to anyone, especially not through you. Isn’t it? But you will be surprised to see how instead of breaking it the cycle is continued by many.
Mysoul said:
Oh Geez!!! what got her/his/its knickers bunched? Thank you for the laugh…Now, I will give no more energy to the great Crusader…
shail said:
Glad you could get a laugh out of it 🙂
Nirvana said:
OMG!!! The Crusader is for real??? Thanks for putting a link in your new blog – this was an eyeopener!
shail said:
Isn’t it? But he changes form, name and id and gets back to his game of haunting bloggers spouting nonsense. Talk about being jobless.