– a short story.
Delusions. Beliefs based upon a misinterpretation of reality. I live in my world of delusions. Delusions of timeless and eternal love. A love I feel across time across space. You tell me you love me. Do you?? I tell you, I love you. Do I?? Is it all a delusion, your love for me and my love for you?? Did you even tell me so?? Did I?? Am I living in a world of fantasy??
Do you exist?? How do I know?? You could be a figment of my imagination, the one I created, just a mirage in the desert that is my mind. A dream I created to rest awhile tired from traversing the hot sands of that desert. Your love feels like a cool breeze on my burning brow. I feel it like something tangible. Is it real?? The love I have for you, the all-consuming feeling of longing to be in your arms. Is that real??
Or is it delusion all?? A false judgement or conclusion.
Have you written to me?? Are the letters I read real?? I feel the paper. It feels smooth. Or does it?? My eyes skim across the contents. Are the words that join together and form meaningful sentences real?? What if you have written, ‘I hate you’ and I read it as, ‘I love you’?? Have I made it all up from the secret longings of my heart??
Did you call me?? I heard a voice say, ‘I miss you.’ Or did I imagine it?? Have I made up all the conversations between you and me from a fevered imagination?? Did some long felt need of mine propel me to do so??
I look at myself in the mirror. Is that me, the image that stares back?? Does the mirror really reflect the one standing in front of it?? What if it doesn’t?? Am I seeing what I want to see, an image I would like to be?? What if I am an ugly harridan reflected as a beautiful woman?? But, what is beauty?? Is ‘ugly’ ugly??
A lone kingfisher alights on the branch of the leafy tree outside my window. But is there a tree outside my window?? How can a kingfisher alight on it if there isn’t?? What if they were all things I have imagined?? Maybe right now I am lying beneath a shady tree beside a gently flowing river. I can almost hear the lap of water against the banks. The green canopy above and the flowing river. So soothing. But is there a river?? Do rivers exist?? Is there a green tree?? Perhaps they are just images of my longing heart.
Maybe I am lying on hot sand with the sun beating mercilessly down at me. My body is ridden with blisters. The vultures are gathering. Vultures are patient birds. They are waiting for me and I for them. Vultures mean certain death. Let this be real at least. The hot sand, the blisters and the gathering vultures. Let the vultures peck and tear and release me forever….
How can the vultures release me?? I am in a barren cell, locked away for life. Cement floors and bars on the locked door. But I like it here. I can lie here on the cold floor and dream all I want. I can create and recreate everything, deluding myself all I want. Of love eternal, yours and mine. I can be with you forever and you will be mine forever too. Nothing can change it, not even you. Isn’t that funny?? Yes, not even you can change the way I want you to feel about me. I am safe in my world of delusions. Why do they scare you??
I hear footsteps. It is the guard coming to look in on me. Don’t they have to check to see if the unmoving form lying on the cold cement floor has life still in it?? But, what if there is no guard, no cement floor or even locked doors with bars on it…..
Showcased post from shail-mohan blogs @ sulekha.com
Intense and fascinating! Would love you to write a Part II
Thank you Ritu! Hmm… a second part?? Aaaaargh I will have to get into her head again to find what else she thinks!!
I loved it, I loved it, I loved it 🙂 …at least that is no delusion. a little bit of faulkner, a little impressionistic, a little stream of consciousness technique – pretty impressive 🙂
Roopa, I am inclined to float away after reading your comment! *checks red brick tied to leg to anchor self* Yep the brick is in place!! 😉
It seems as though there are two parallel universes and she is confused while moving from one to the other. I agree, intense story!
Thanks Manju. Glad the confusion got across.
Woah! This some writing, shail.. I continue to be amazed at your repertoire of expression!
A sort of fuzzy feeling, both warm and chill descend with the write…! I don’t know how to explain it really, and to have evoked that means that this is extremely well written! Kudos!
Usha, oooh another comment that makes me glad I am well anchored with red brick tied to my feet. Thanks for the lavish praise.
hey! u write so well! i think it is the SHAIL effect 😉
Shaili, welcome and thanks. Lol @ SHAIL effect.
Is that a delusion
Or maybe a solution
Is that a she
Or maybe a he
Lets make up more confusion!
Gulshan, I guess the story reveals that it is a woman at one point. But other than that, sure it could be a man speaking as well. 🙂
I can never write such hi fi stuff 😦
Thanks IHM. You write stuff which I personally wish I could. Really I do!!
Oh that was fantastic!! Has a mesmerising effect on the reader. How I wish I could write like you.
Pallavi, welcome and thanks for the lovely words!
An experience thru the mind of the “I” here!!callin this fabulous would be an under statement!!:)
Sashu, thank you for that unreserved appreciation!
Shail, thanks for dropping by.
I think this is meant for bird-brained people like me.
Anyways I present you with a M.D.- Master of delusions(or should it be Mistress)
*Gladly accepts the degree conferred* Thanks PRG! 😛
What I wanted to say is “this is not meant for bir-brained people like me”. My head is in a spin.
Is it because of the vultures?? 😉
Well written, especially the part where vultures come in. The wish for vultures to eat you was quite something. You hit a high note then. Nice!
Rhett, thank you!! Glad to read the words of appreciation. 🙂
:)… Oh the delusions! you and I should get together and build some grand mansions out of nothing or maybe with sand and if everything exists not, we could have mansions of thought…and wonder if thoughts exist when we don’t or do we?
‘Mansions of thought’ Oh yes Rashmi, lets get together and build those ‘mansions’ out of nothing!! Yeah, if thoughts exist and we don’t, do we?? Ahhh Rashmi now you have given me something to build more of those ‘thought mansions’!!
Loved this one, Shail! You do abstract-and-imbalanced so well and I mean that as a compliment. 🙂
OJ, thanks a ton for the compliment! 🙂
A poignant one indeed.
I am sure we all know Lord Krishna’s famous quote in Gita : “maya tatam idam sarvam” (everythin is maya)
But my favourite quote on the subject is : “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
Thanks Salil. Yeah, all is Maya. …And hey, your quote gives me hope!
Got something for u on the new post I have.. 🙂 Do check 🙂
Its on to your page right away Usha!!
A fantastic post,shail!or am I in a delusion?maybe there is no post and its just me imagining there is:)
I sincerely wish I were as expressive. Honoured to have you visit my blog,else I would have certainly missed out on stumbling upon such an amazing blogpage as yours. You are up on my bloglist.will look forward to reading more of your posts.
Deepti, welcome to my page. Err… maybe there is no page and its all an illusion!! 🙂 Thank you for the lovely words of appreciation and for having me on your blog list!
Is this comment even here? What post did I comment on? Can you read it? Is it the same thing as what I read?
Let me just say I know what you’re saying 🙂 I’ll be over more often 🙂
-a fellow cancerian
Hey there fellow cancerian. Glad you decided to pop over. Your post reminded me of my story. Thanks for that apt comment Gauri.
I want to say it’s a fantastic story. But then I thought, is ‘fantastic’ really fantastic, ‘good’ really good? I might not even have read the story. I might be imagining reading this. This laptop, this blog, these fingers on the keypad could all be… just figments of my imagination.
haha intense story.. I loved it!
Me: Thanks Anjali. Love your questions. Goes with the story I guess. Or rather it makes you think that way?? 🙂
Okay. I just read the comment before mine.. oops I was trying to be creative! =P
Me: No worries. Many of us think independently on the same lines! 🙂