But a stimulating thought (as always)!

Me: Enikkum oru cheriya doubt, how did this happen to be tagged ‘humor’!! *Answering Jithin’s question in all seriousness* No you won’t find any humor in this post even after marriage! So quit pestering your Mom to look for a girl for you to get married to (that’s in case you aren’t married and are a supporter of the variety of marriage that falls under the category ‘arranged’)
Thank you!

Me: The fact that many women as a rule face this situation without any eyebrows being raised, as if this is how life should be for them in itself makes it different from the one faced by a man. It does not mean some men aren’t facing the situation as well. (Well, its something like this. The backward classes need special help because they have gone through lot, been oppressed and never allowed to be educated etc etc. But that does not mean there are no poor and needy among the forward castes.)
The difference is when a man faces a similar situation others including women sympathize with him. Besides he does have the opportunity to walk out without facing stigma or ostracism from the society. In fact he can remarry as well without any problems. So, as far as I am concerned the situation faced by women is different and far worse. Unless women are taught self respect and self-reliance and are able to stand on their feet, they are left with no choices except suffering silently. lunatic asylum (like one of the commentators said above) or in extreme cases suicide when they face unfair situations where a whole family which is supposed to care for her turns against her.
Thank you for the comment.

Me: Welcome to my page Oldmonk. Looks like you have not read my conclusion. I have ready talked about the change that lets us ‘adapt and find equilibrium.’ and also about how the mingling of ‘past and present’ can lead to ‘a glorious future’.
I cannot equate a man returning home earlier after marriage or the changes of growth from a child to teenager, parent etc to an adult woman (DIL) being forced to stop doing something in her spare time just because the MIL feels she has to show off her power. ‘Quite natural’ is not how I would describe the changes so asked from a DIL, but as ‘dictatorship’ over her or plain masochism.
We all change from time to time as per requirement, definitely, BUT that change should not be because someone feels insecure and wants to test their power and for that reason alone oppresses the one easily available.
You find little boys by the roadside throwing stones at a sleeping dog and making it yelp in pain. We don’t call that ‘natural change’ even though we know many boys go through this stage. We scold the boys and tell them not to hurt the dog. The only difference is that in our society, when a MIL/husband’s family in effect does the same things, the DIL is advised to ‘adjust’ and is even supposed to accept it as ‘natural’ and for the ‘betterment of the family’!! Strange logic, I must say.
BTW my father is a pure vegetarian and my mother a non-vegetarian and we managed quite well, without any drama of anyone changing for the other. I cannot see a single justification in asking a person to change his/her preference in cuisine for the other, unless the person does so willingly and of their own accord.
Life is indeed about adjustments, for ALL concerned not the ‘skewed adjustment’ we see as of now, making one person (DIL) adjust to the rest (husband and his family) and that unfair change requested is the topic of this post.
Thank you for the comment.

Me: You ask them that Hrishi! The situation as I see it here is totally skewed. First the girl’s family gives dowry (shhh… not legally but everyone knows they do!) and then sends the girl off to the boy’s family (one wishes the girl’s family had more sense and gave her the money and set her up in a job rather than squandering it on a man and his family randomly chosen out of the blue on the basis of matching horoscopes!!! Sheesh can it get any worse??) and then she has to adjust make sacrifices and have a ‘wise’ head on her young shoulders and take things philosophically from the cranky older woman who is hell bent on making her life miserable because she is plain jealous of her role in her son’s life and then there is our hero, who watches all this and says, ‘love my mom as your own!’ and goes back to reading his newspaper or TV watching coz like you said that is what he did before he got married (how can he change??!!!) at that particular time each day!!! Will you call this an extreme case scenario?? I wouldn’t. I see it all around me even today. The best part is I see women taking it. Sad!

I really wish more people understood the way you do: CHANGE IS FROM BOTH SIDES!

You have summed up the truth pretty well…. there is no use if one changes just to please others… they shall never be pleased and one will continue pleasing without any happiness for oneself…

as for me, I can relate more with Deeps..my MIL and FIL are caring persons… though I have an independant streak in me being an Aquarian, it was actually my Hubby who taught me to be assertive… we had our clash of personalities but I think it has helped us both in a positive manner and we may both have changed for the better over the years…

I think every girl should just be herself and also remember that none can please everyone….

Me: Welcome to my page Happy Kitten and I really love that name! Your last sentence sums it up excellently. Being oneself is the best and yes we better learn early on in life that we cannot please everyone. Parents MUST play a role in inculcating self-respect not making doormats out of their daughters before they marry them off. Thanks for dropping by.

I remember how mom-in-law,who used to hate cooking,especially in the evenings would make mutton curry for dinner,a favorite dish of mine and wait for me to get back from work to surprise me. Oh how elated I used to be with that kind of a surprise after a hard day ! When it was the season of mangoes,despite parents-in-law and R hating even the sight of them, pa-in-law used to go in search of the sweetest of mangoes and bring home just for me.

So when Mummy,a devout follower of Mata Amritanandamayi,expressed her desire to take me to Vallikavu,I agreed to go with her despite having my own reservations about ‘Amma’. I felt this was the least I could do for someone,who cared for my minutest likes. The look of sheer happiness when she showed me around the place and when she introduced me to her friends in the ashram was hard to miss,Shail. I was so glad I didnt let my rigid stance come in the way.

You know I used to be very shy and meek before marriage.But over the years I learnt to be more assertive and surer of myself. And I would give sole credit to my husband for making a stronger person today. He used to always push me into coming out my shell,to speaking my mind out.He still does that when he senses I’m pulling myself back in.
R,on the contrary used to be this detached,blunt to the point of being insensitive person before marriage and now over the years he has mellowed down a lot.He is much calmer and a lot more sensitive and tolerant.

So I believe any change,which is for the better and of course two-ways should be welcome.you cant expect only one person to accommodate.if the other person is as sensitive to your needs and likes,only then can a relationship work.

That is what love,for me,is-to make a better person out of each other.

I’m sorry to have used up so much of your space. Had so much to say!

Thank you so much for this brilliant post,Shail

Me: That was an excellent comment Deeps. I wish more people would read it to see how much happiness lies in growing. changing together, rather than making one person take the brunt. Life is about give and take which seems to be the case in your household. And yes, individual pluses and minuses rubs off on each other and makes us better persons. That is the way it should be. It is sad that there are people who still think the ‘great sacrificing bahu’ is the best species for their homes. What such households need are trained ‘zombies’ or robots not ordinary human beings!

Me: Welcome to my page Priya. Changing just to please and gain respect gets you nothing in return. You are right, being yourself, is always the best. Good advice to your sisters and friends!
Thank you.

Mine is an arranged marriage and I suffered trying to fit in. The very folks I trusted and cared about hurt me. I finally found the courage to put an end to my misery. It is funny how folks who drag you through elaborate process (horoscope, bride seeing, engagement and marriage) once you enter their house start to change you. You are right most times it is the girl’s own family who begins that process and why then the in-laws would spare you? For the sake of pleasing the society every wrong is overlooked. It is not due to want of courage Shail that most times us women keep quiet. When one has been brought up with certain value system it becomes hard to fight the elders despite knowing too well that they are just screwing your happiness and interference will never stop unless you take the initiative. Your post made me cry. I will never ever forget the sarcastic remarks, rejections and public insults. Thanks for being the voice of so many like me. I had feared ending up in an asylum. Books, cooking, gardening and dancing, keeps me sane, though the hurt persists especially when painful memories cloud my thoughts…

Me: Welcome to my page Geetha. I only understand what you write too well. I agree we have been brought up a certain way that is why we keep quiet and take lot of b***s***. “For the sake of pleasing the society every wrong is overlooked” I agree wholeheartedly to this too. Indeed, why do people go to great lengths to ’search’ for the right person for their son, match horoscopes and simper and smile at the wedding?? And how come when that is all over their attitude changes?? Then the girl becomes an unnecessary liability and their punching bag. And why do parents let this happen?? Is this why they brought up their daughter, to be given to a household to be insulted and humiliated??
The hurt never goes away! I can ’see’ clearly the path you have been through. I am glad you stopped to write about what was in your heart.

Gosh, am i making any sense!! guess not!!

So just lemme put it this way… this is a brilliant post.

Me: Yes Sakhi, you made sense! And thank you!

Think I don’t need smileys for this comment. :0

Me: lol @Think I don’t need smileys for this comment.
Hot and cold to make it lukewarm is what is expected Waiting for the deadly storm.