Me: Thanks IHM

Tradition can make us forget common sense.
If the wife objects and the mother in law is offended – there is every chance that the ‘innocent’ son (who probably has no respect for his mother or any woman otherwise, in such a family)will ask her to apologise to the MIL. I know of a boy who wanted to divorce his wife for not ‘respecting’ his mother. The mother had assured the father of a two year old daughter, that she would get him a prettier wife.

Ideally I feel a young couple should live in their own house, so that there is one place that is ‘home’ to the girl also. A lot of such cruelty can be controlled if the couple has some personal space.

Me: Agree totally with your comment IHM. When that tacit approval exists, the MIL is emboldened for further action. A supportive husband can put an end to it. A man who cannot respect his wife does NOT respect or love his mother either. Period. It is only delusion on the mother’s part that a son who accepts mutely her autocratic behavior to his wife, is showing his love to her by remaining silent. He only cares about his own selfish self (my personal opinion) and not for either women in his life.
Of course a couple should ideally set up home away from both sets of parents. I am all for it. Less interference, less cruelty and better foundation to a marriage. Thanks IHM.

Me: Thank you Sorcerer

nd I agree, if all DIL’s can develop this strength then the MIL’s can be made to follow suit.. you have put it very well in your own comment..

“She will remain a bully as long as no one dares confront or question her actions, like it happens in every other type of abuse we come across.”

Even I blv in it.. one can isult you as long as one allows it.. or as Gandhiji himself quoted ..
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
but then problem is that a DIL (young as she is to the world’s ways) steps into a new environment expecting the support of those in it and she sees that not even her own husband who swore by the Gods to protect her, cherish her, love her has failed to do his duty…sometimes this fight is not easy..

and as Antarman commented.. I have seen DIL’s too who are the epitome of selfishness…

so we have all of them in this society of ours..

but let me vote for women who have a strong sense of justice and hence will not allow injustice to her own self too…

Me: The world sometimes makes strong women out of the not-so-strong too Well, I actually meant that society as a whole and the son should also stand up against the MIL who bullies and also treat a DIL at par (after all she is an adult) to them and let her deal with the oppression rather than condemn her when she stands up for herself as unworthy wife/DIL material
You are absolutely right, DIL is young and in a new house and is being intimidated without any one standing up for her. It is an uneven equation. She is also bound by the image of the ultimate woman (who suffers silently) she has been brainwashed with.
As for selfish DILs they too have been around since long. The difference is no MIL is told by society or anyone else that it is her fate and she has to meekly accept it. But DILs are asked to accept any wrongdoing in the name of Pati Parmeshwar. A MIL can walk away (only if she has the means of course) from a selfish DIL. But for the DIL there is no way out.
No injustice to our own selves is a lesson girls need to be taught, rather than blind obedience.
Thanks Happy Kitten

The comments, too, and your replies are very very much in place!

Best wishes for the New Year!

Me: Usha it so wonderful to see you here. Society’s blatant sanction of this injustice and the refusal to teach our daughter’s some self respect are the two points that bothers me so much. I have noticed that girls with some self respect who stand no nonsense from the MIL are treated better by the MIL in spite of some tongue lashing when compared to the totally docile ones. They are treated very badly.

A happy Tweny Ten to you and yours Usha! And don’t disappear please!!!!!

Me: That is exactly my point Govind. A bully MIL is at heart a coward and only thrives on the divine sanction given by a complaisant society. She will remain a bully as long as no one dares confront or question her actions, like it happens in every other type of abuse we come across. In fact it is her position as the Goddess Mother Who Can Do No Wrong and the power which comes with it that she misuses so blatantly, in spite of having walked the route of a DIL in her younger days.
You may rightly rest your case Mr. Nimishakavi. I am so happy somebody has seen this point.

Lets keep aside the gender issue from this : Root of all such problem is created by a combination of insecurity in their own life , over-possesiveness and a sadistic pleasure.

Me: Right! But its hard to do that when this “combination of insecurity …… , over-possessiveness and a sadistic pleasure.” is explained away with ease by the other gender. It is surprising how many men fly to the rescue of a woman, the mother in the avatar of an oppressive MIL , with explanations to excuse their behavior. No sister, wife, daughter or girl friend, even if she were an angel in human form, would ever get the same treatment!!
BTW, welcome to my blog-space Lakshmi and thanks.

“You said, If in the process either one of the parties ‘don’t take it right‘ I will accept that with sadness.” Do you think the mother would take it in the right manner, if her son point out her mistake? I am sure not. If she was capable enough to accept her mistake, she would not even think of doing what she had done.

You said…Sometimes people misunderstand your actions, does that mean you don’t do what is right??… Absolutely I agree with you. Please note I also insist, husband should stand for his wife in this case for sure. No doubt about it.
What I tried to say was, When husband tries to act according to his conviction(again we can argue- whether his convictions will be correct always), his actions might be misunderstood either by mother or wife because of not taking side with them( irrespective of who is right and who is not). This dilemma is there in general. Sometime it leads to inaction from his side or time lapse before his action.

I would agree what you said about SIL doing to FIL, but again I would relate that to similar hatred between MIL and DIL only. Still as husband loves his mother, a daughter loves her father and family, though probably she might not or allow to express.

Thank you with a handshake as “usual”.

Me: ” When husband tries to act according to his conviction(again we can argue- whether his convictions will be correct always), his actions might be misunderstood either by mother or wife because of not taking side with them( irrespective of who is right and who is not). This dilemma is there in general. Sometime it leads to inaction from his side or time lapse before his action. ”

Me: As usual, I can tell you what I will do. I will simply do what I think is ‘just’ because they are both people I love. If my children are having a fight, and one is hitting the other, I don’t keep silent thinking whether either of them ‘will take right‘ what I am going to do or say. I am not going to stand by idly letting one of them kill the other because I am worried about what they may interpret my words or action as. Of course, being a human, I may make mistakes in my decisions. But at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I tried to do what I thought was right, what I thought best for the moment rather than being a silent spectator and abettor of injustice.
I have given my example. I know others don’t think like me. So perhaps it is understandable
You say, ” If she was capable enough to accept her mistake, she would not even think of doing what she had done.” Does that somehow excuse a MILs behavior?? If so that is atrocious!! She won’t understand so let another suffer?? And WHY should a stranger who stepped into the family do that?? Besides, just imagine, this ‘convenient excuse‘ is something that can be used by each one of us to shield ourselves from the result of our wrong actions!! (I am not capable enough to understand my mistake, that is why I am what I am!) So if someone is not capable of accepting her mistake, you give her more power and let her sit on the throne and bow down low before her as is happening everywhere now ………or ask her politely, if not rudely, to get down, relinquish power?? I know what I’d do.
MILs who dominate and harass are nothing but plain bullies in mother’s clothes. Period. Now, if the son likes being bullied, it is his wish of course. But he has no right to let it happen to his wife. So the least a son can do is (my opinion of course) request his mother (kindly, no need even for firmness) that if she likes bullying so much, to confine the bullying to him and leave his wife alone. I think this any man can say to his mother?? I hope so!

As for the compliment of ‘calling a spade a spade’ (Yes I take that as and accept is as a great compliment) THANK YOU! I guess I did not understand what you said in your previous comment.

I wonder what on earth the husband was doing in this case. I am sure husband can’t stand only one one side in all the situations and occasions.But this one for sure, he sholud know which side he need to take.

I agree with you – 1/3 of the problem lies with husbands.But when he excercise his bit of it,I doubt if that is taken in the right manner either by mother or wife.So,he is like cat in the wall.

In most of the cases like this… MIL & DIL drift apart slowly and develop a kind of hatred and trying to figure out the mistakes of the other and blow up the issues wheneven they get chances. From love(if at all exists from the beginning) the graph moves towards hate in MIL & DIL Case and no point of return.Whereas for Men, the hate doesn’t happen or happens very very slowly.

Me: First and foremost, what is a ‘usual’ Shail post?? If the word ‘usual’ is used in connection with me (especially my blogs), I take that as an insult. The maximum number of my posts deal with my family. So how did this become a ‘usual Shail post‘??!! Is there even such a category called ‘usual Shail post’??!!! *checks categories on right panel*
Ok, now that matter is out of the way.

Definitely in most such cases hatred develops between MIL and DIL and goes to a point of no-return. Naturally the man does not develop hatred, remember, it is his mother !! If his father-in-law were to do something similar to this, the man would probably murder the FIL on the spot. But, when it comes to a woman the expectation still exists in everyone’s heart that she love and serve such a cruel MIL and earn moksha, unbelievable though it may seem.
Thanks for the comment Maddy.

Psst, just now I asked my friend, what he thought is a ‘usual Shail post’ and the answer that I got was this: “for me its something funny with lots of “digressions” but in which you always have something to tell”
My conclusion: You find what you look for.