Dear Person That I Want To Tell Everything To, But Too Afraid To

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I am participating in the 30 Days Letter Challenge where you write one letter each day. The 29th in the list is a letter to, ‘The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to’

 

Dear Person That I Want To Tell Everything To, But Too Afraid To,

In my head are pages that I write daily, about the day’s events, the sights and sounds; moments of unbearable lows and the ecstatic highs; of instances when feelings of inability to cope overwhelm; the certainty I feel of being an alien in a strange planet: the exasperation caused by failure to make myself understood; the bird that flew in through the door and caused a furore; what the dog barked at; where I am traveling next and why; what some pompous ass full of hot air said; the kitty-party gang on Facebook and its malicious back-stabbing ways; why I am against bans of any sort; that I am feminist; how gender inequality bothers me; how beautiful Wayanad had been; the plight of girl children; the unfairness of it all (the world sucks); the neighbors who cut their tree without informing us only to have it fall on our side of the wall which could have ended in an accident; how Luci makes me smile, smile and smile; how much I loved Big Sur; the black kite that flew low but which I could not capture quickly enough; what I made for dinner or lunch or breakfast; the theory of karma; the new restaurant I went to; the dress I bought after searching for long; how my back aches; the headaches that won’t go away; why I feel like crying, why I AM crying; how dark and rainy the day is and how I am enjoying it; how much I love kadwa karela; the movie I liked, the one I hated for its sexist approach; my favorite guy Psmith; how cornered I feel; that the modem has gone kaput and how I had to get a new one; how much I love my Kindle; the long train journeys I took and enjoyed; who hurt me and how; that I am going to see the doctor for my plantar fasciitis; how annoying bsnl is; what my next blog is about; why I prefer to wear shoes; how I feel tired all the time and how it makes me feel miserable; that I shampooed my hair; the college reunion I am going to; how I long to buy that new lens for my camera; why you must read a post I wrote; how my words were twisted out of shape and thrown back at me; the first flower that bloomed on the plant that I got from the nursery; how hopeless love is; the snooty butterfly that refused to pause to be clicked; that I am thinking of cutting my hair short; my fears that I have messed up; minute analysis of my role in life so far; the songs I got on iTunes; my dislike of religion, of people who do not speak the truth; dreams that have been buried, those still left; fears, tears, hopes, love, loss & acceptance………….

The pages are covered finely with words written in a smooth uninterrupted flow without pen or paper, with never a pause to find the right word that fits. And yet, I am afraid to tell it all to you, because *you* are just a figment of my imagination, *you* are only a dream that will disintegrate into nothingness when faced with reality.

Yours

The one who does not know what to do with all those filled pages and is looking for the raddiwala.

 

* * * * *

©Shail Mohan 2014

 

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